RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #228

NOTE: It happens a few times every year: The New Yorker takes a week off and consequently so does the Caption Contest. This means the image used for the Anti-Caption contest languishes like potato salad in the hot sun. If your web habits are anything like mine, you eventually cruise by Radosh.net. to see the latest Anti-Captions, roll your eyes and wonder why JohnnyB someone would post something so lame. You grown, cackle or just sigh, then you move on--but you know you'll be back for more. When a cartoon is stretched out over two-weeks, it feels like a flight delay, a traffic jam and an old South Park rerun all rolled into one. This is the grotesque reality beauty of the Anti-Caption Contest.

This Anti-Cap contest (#228) will be officially judged by Harry (the other every-other-week judge). The selections I have included here are strictly for entertainment purposes. As an extra bonus, I located what I believe is an image of each Anti-Capper and included a link. (This is what happens when I have two weeks to screw around with it.) As always, I welcome your comments, insightful, obnoxious or otherwise. --al in la

WINNER

You know, from this angle it does look like I might have hung that baby gate a little bit high. -- Adam (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What can I say? This made me laugh. I also wondered why a sheriff's office would have doors usually associated with a saloon. Adam saw it, as did the critters. They are demanding an explanation.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
NEXT ANTI-CAP RESULTS:http://www.countdowndays.com/8441/
-- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: dwilk found a web site that lets you count down to any specific momment in time. Check it out. It suggests that he looks forward to the results. I want to encourage that.)

"So, he's fumin' 'bout his taxes. What's he fixin' to do, drive his stage coach through the wall?-- Rosey (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is inspired by the guy who crashed his plane into the IRS office in Austin. It's topical, insensitive and includes the old west colloquialisms "fumin' " and "fixin'. " What's not to like?)

"So a priest porcupine, a minister squirrel, a pastor baby, and a raccoon rabbi walk into a bar..."-- Don (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The problem with this cap is the baby can't yet walk. Still, those saloon doors make you wonder: is it a sheriff's office or a gin mill?)

"Y'all look a lot older in person than in yer Craigslist ad..."
(P.S. Two weeks = ten caption limit, right???)-- Wile E. Chipotle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Older? But it's a baby! Really dumb cap, but I was impressed that Wile E. would ask permission to inundate us with his unique brand of humor.)

"I can already tell this is going to be a tough decision. Each one of you seems equally well-suited for the job of not examining rape kits."-- t.a.m.s.y. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another cap ripped from the headlines. Police in a Chicago suburb said they simply couldn't be troubled with all this science stuff. Too expensive.)

"Come on, this is a joke, right? A whiner, a prick, a masked man and a nut-sucker walk into a sheriff's office..."-- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good one, Anon! Although "nut-sucker" makes no sense.)

Since this contest is lasting twice as long as normal, I've submitted twice as many captions. If this is bad, then please note that I'm feeling twice the remorse.-- Konrad Schwoerke (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I like the smug self assurance, although "normal" makes no sense, not here anyway.)

"I find the process of writing Anti-Captions frustrating, tedious and probably pointless...especially given my gross inability to gracefully articulate my thoughts in light of the strom raging in my head." --Joe S. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is taken from the six-page rant published by the IRS-plane-crash-guy. Naturally he did not mention "Anti-Captions," but it seems to work. If they have web access in hell, maybe Joe will see this.)

You been waitin' two weeks fer the circuit judge to pass through these parts. Well, he'll be dispensin' justice tomorrow. Most of you'll be hanged.-- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hanged...Ingored...Whatever. I like that JC didn't use "hung."

Aspiring entertainers wait nervously at a Ukrainian Idol regional audition.-- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A narrative caption that makes clear our cultural superiority to former Soviet Bloc nations. At the same time, American Idol reminds us of who we really are. So I guess it's a draw. UPDATE: mypalmike has claimed credit for this. So be it.)

"SWM 40 (T-Stone, AZ & vicinity) -- Lawman seeks G,S or B LTR. Loves outdoors, organic food, cuddling. D/D Free, Non-Smoker. No pretensions. Not afraid to show emotions. Must be down-to earth. Teeth optional." [Happy Valentine's Day Anti-Cappers!!!] -- Susan Hart Woman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sign of the times: Even a pedophile who's into bestiality insists on a non-smoker. Why he'd have all the respondents to his ad meet him at once, I don't know. I do like the Valentine Day theme. Nice work, SHW.)

"Stupid taxidermist got the baby all wrong."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Never a good idea to stuff OR mount a kid. Also, now that you mention it Rob, the kid's body does seem disproportionate to it's head. Nice catch!)

"Why can't you shit outside like the rest of these critters?"--Konrad Schwoerke (JUDGE"S COMMENT: I believe Konrad is new to the contest. While I won't endeavor to pronounce his last name ["Shoe-War-key," I'm guessing], his story checks out. The link to his blog tells us he's from Chapel Hill, NC married and an aspiring cartoonist. This Anti-Cap is the best of five he entered in one fell swoop on Sunday evening. Many a diaper-weary-parent has considered the possibility of letting their toddler roam around bare ass naked in the backyard. So this is sort of funny in an Anti-Cap way. What's far more interesting is this mock cover of the New Yorker, that appears on his blog. "For the last couple of years, The New Yorker has had a contest to update their dandy icon, Eustace Tilley," writes Konrad who created the one I"ve included here. I'm not sure what it depicts but Konrad confirms that it's "probably the most juvenile entry they’ve ever received." So I can only guess the cover boy is consuming his own boogers. While I don't endorse this type of behavior, I believe Konrad is one of us. Welcome my friend!)

I got your proposal for a new animatronic song and dance show. Um... you do know this is Westworld, not Disney World, right?
AL in LA version:
I got your proposal for a new animatronic song and dance show. Um... you do know this is Westworld, a high tech Wild West interactive theme park populated by realistic robots that disastrously goes wrong in a 1973 futuristic action movie written and directed by Michael Crichton and starring Yul Brynner, not Disney World, a popular theme park in Florida featuring rides and attractions based on characters and stories from movies from Walt Disney Studios including many animated films that portray talking and singing animals, right?-- Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Walt is obviously an uptight asshole person of great sensitivity, but I'll bet he didn't know half of this shit off the top of his head. Any idiot can Google, Walt. Still to prove that I don't give a shit what you think I am an impartial judge, your entry--the first part, not the snotty part--does merit mention. )

JUDGE'S COMMENTS: 25 Words or Less. --Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference to Walt's meandering attack-caption. Thank you, for pointing out his blatant disregard for the 25-word max, Rob, but "comments" should be singular.)

"I can't quit you!"--Ben C (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Off of the top of my head I believe this is a reference to a 2005 film directed by Ang Lee starring Heath Ledger and some guy named Jake whose last name I can not recall. Sure, I could Google it but I have more integrity than that!)

"Badgers?? Badgers?? We don't need no stinkin' badgers!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again, off the top of my head, I believe this is a reference to "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre" starring Humphrey Bogart and directed by John Huston. [I don't know the year. Maybe Walt can Google it for us.] Of course the line was latter a trademark of John Belushi on the early SNL. Oh yeah,and it's funny because there are no badgers to be found.)

"Good news, woodland critters, I found this here manchild fer y'all to sacrifice. Hail Satan!"--Wile E. Chipotle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Best...South....Park....ever! [Said the boy with the red puffball hat] )

"I too thought that by now making fun of alinla would be considered a classic"-- Brian L
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sarcasm is the opiate of the disenfranchised. )

"How about THE VILLAGE PEOPLE?"-- Don't Hit the Hair (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The caption is slightly funny, but the more esoteric cultural reference is the nom de plume. I believe it's from the 1977 film "Saturday Night Fever" starring John Travolta as some guy from Brooklyn named Tony. When his dad whacks him up side the head, he says "Don't hit the hair!" The movie changed my life: I kept saying "Don't let this happen to you!")

"No, Mr. baby, I expect you to bond....with me...cause I'm your pa." --Celeste (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A particularly creative take on the "Mr. Bonds" classic cap. Good use of "Pa.")

"Look, baby, this here's a decent cartoon, an we ain't gonna tolerate no more of yer self- defecating humor."--Wile E. Chipotle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Baby's do indeed crap themselves. This is also a play on "self-deprecating," which is a similar form of self expression.)

Too bad y'all got Judge "Hang'em Harry F-in High" prizahdin' this week. You'd a been let off with a bland blog comment and a fine for too many words if Judge "Fee-Yoot-Al in La La Land" wuz sittin' on the bench..."--His Majesty Tar Man (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Bland?" My comments are bland? I'll look past that because I was impressed with the word "prizahdin.' You have learned well, Grasshopper.)

How's about a sasparilla, you crazy bastards?--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You adapted a classic to fit the period. Nice work Rocko.)

I'm OKAY Rigatoni, you nutty bitch. How's that irritable bowel syndrome treating you? --al in bklyn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To much info.)