RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #224

NOTE: During the recent TV special celebrating the 20th anniversary of The Simpsons, one of the show's insiders was going on about how they routinely get abused in Internet chat rooms. The show is a classic, of course, but people still unload all manner of vitriol and vent their discontent. This is probably a good thing because rage, like flatulence, needs an escape valve. As a native New Yorker I also believe that complaining is a natural body function. We live in a tawdry and vulgar age, why should Anti-Cappers be any different?
I bring this up because I was amazed at the number of Anti-Caps last week that mentioned and/or attacked me. Some people are steamed that I would impose a 25-word limit on the Anti-Caps. (Never mind that there is a 250 character limit demanded by the "real" New Yorker contest.) Of course, it's always hard to tell if the nastiness is genuine or just garden variety sarcasm advanced by self-loathing slackers. In any event, I believe it's relevant to note that I have worked as an ice hockey referee. (Below is a a photo of me officiating a game at the Staple Center in front of 17,000 fans.) This was a good experience for me because players, coaches and fans can be cruel and manipulative. Even when they know they are dead wrong they try to get a call their way. I would ask Anti-Cappers for civility, but that might only show weakness. So, to show that I'm completely passive aggressive a good sport, I've included a number of Anti-Judge Anti-Caps. (The "game," by the way, was high school kids playing between periods at a Kings game. Still counts.)
Yes, the barbs baffle me, but they do not bother me. What's more I want to remind every one that 25 words is not a hard and fast rule--just a guideline. Epic-length captions just gum up the works and they are seldom funny. I will continue to use my special Radosh-approved powers to delete the XL Anti-Caps and I will sleep soundly at night.

With that, here are the winners for last week along with my two-cents. Feel free to leave a comment.

WINNER"How long am I expected to stay at Flight Delay Training Camp before you let me go to the airport?"--RichardH (Judge's Comment: Every time I looked at the cartoon I thought of the time I was stuck at O'Hare for 12 hours. This is not that funny but it hit me on a gut level.)
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HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Is it Haiti in here, or is it just me?"-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's topical [and tropical], insensitive and it includes a stupid pun. Also, many of those poor souls in Haiti looked like the people in the cartoon--only the quake victims are black, bloodied and in desperate need of help.)
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"So, Mr. District Attorney Vance, we simply want to know, who stays and who gets the ol' heave-ho?"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference to Cyrus R. Vance, Jr., who became District Attorney of New York County on January 1, 2010. Apparently these is a bit of dead wood in that office. I just want to show I have Google too.)


"The aliens left only the 27 of us alive. Somebody fuck somebody with working ovaries."--Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I think "functioning" would have worked better than "working" but here is someone who took the trouble to count the bodies. "A" for effort.)


"As Moses' attorney I implore you to let his people go...or at least go to the bathroom."-- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Made me laugh. I'll bet the lawyer is Jewish too.)


"Worst. Orgy. Ever." --Austin D (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short. I like em short. )

"I know you guys are all exhausted and dispirited after our failure to prep adequately for the Yoo interview, but come on--we still have a show to write for tonight!"--The Confidence Man (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a thinly veiled reference to Daniel Radosh's gig as a writer for the Daily Show. [Yoo authored a memo that legitimized torture for Bush/Chaney.] I too thought this cartoon was some kind of writer's room--only they wouldn't be dressed as nice.)

"The protesters, that I represent, demand that you allow them to protest or they will continue lay down and DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"-- Grant (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We could lose the word "that" but I also thought this was some type of sit-in. Maybe the are protesting the 25-word limit.)


"I believe I speak for all assembled: ...ahem...The hours here are obscene." -- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You see? That's why they're all so tired. They work long hours! It is also a perennial. So. . .)


"The towers here can't be fully seen. Because of the fog."--Mike (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another perennial--although not especially funny, I admit.)


ANTI-JUDGE/ANTI-CAPTION CAPTIONS"You just had to go off and scold JD last week. Well, welcome to your pathetic, little JD-free world. No homo references, no political rants, and no color. You suck!"-- Sarah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I call 'em like I see 'em. Funny thing is: JD has not been chased away [see below]. It's like my father with the seat belt law, he's learned to adapt.)


“My apologies, Alphonso. I could swear you said twenty-five turds or less."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even though there are more than 25 people--or "turds," if you will--in the cartoon, this is pretty funny. Also: I kind of like "Alponso.")


"Previous entry violates all rules of play. The addition of structure is taking the "anti-" out of this beloved little diversion. You have become yet another puppet of the Man." ??--WW-JD (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But I am "The Man." Besides even a diversion has guidelines--that's why people wash their hands before fisting.)


"We forced them to read J.D.s last entry."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You see JD? Not every one loves long-winded, self indulgent drivel disguised as an Anti-Captions. Brevity is the soul of wit.)


"Radosh knew not to give these puns-referring-to-a-previous-winning-caption any handouts. But now, like metaphorical squatters in an office suite..."-- Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is true but I'm all about volume. Besides, Radosh is busy doing "other things.")


"Keep the unruly 8th graders Players locked up until I post & judge next week's contest Radosh goes home so they don't compromise the expediency make fun of our humble little contest my very small penis. "--m hartman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The genius who posted this could not figure out how to do a strike through. I have added the needed HTML code because I thought it was funny. It also shows he is reading my blog.)


"So, Dunworthy, my clients are entitled to a hearing discussing the matter of their health benefits being eliminated merely three months after wage reductions of nearly ANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! REJECTED!!!!!
EXCEEDS TWENTY-FIVE WORD LIMIT. -- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm like, my God, could you be just a little more mellow-dramatic? I mean, as if. )


"I'm sorry but Al posted winners and the new contest promptly. Any captions about hanging around waiting for the results are just not going to work.(Was that too long? Do you think he'll reject it? Probably he'll make some snide comment about how many captions I submitted. God, I hate this contest)"--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One man's "snide" is another man's "insightful." I'm just glad SOMEONE noticed the promptness of my posting.)


"I'm.... speaking.... very ..... slowly..... because.... alinla..... is.... insisting.... I.... adhere..... to.... a.... twenty-five..... word.... limit...." --RichardH (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I can only assume this is posted by Calvin from Calvin & Hobbs. Talk about passive-aggressive. And ellipses, by the way, are only supposed to have three dots with a space between each dot. So there!)


"They all exceeded the 5 caption limit. You still want 'em castrated?"
--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No Jim. Just admonished.)


"Welcome to another meeting of Al-Anon in LA."-- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, a previous grand prize winner, seems to be obsessing a bit.)


"This is what happens when I let you assholes judge the Anti-Cap Contest?"-- m hartman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Noted.)