Monday, October 5, 2009

Anti-Caption Contest #211


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WINNERS


First Place
..the fuck's your problem?--john
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Honorable Mention But Not as Funny as mypalmike's Dept.
"Fucking Russians!"--dwilk

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Honorable Mention: Funnier Than dwilk's (But what's with the ellipsis and let's not forget the quote marks, mister?) Dept.
Fucking Americans... --mypalmike

Honorable Mention: If It Means That Much To You Buddy Dept.
"Thank god you're here! Do you also have the technology to go back in time and change last week's Runner-Up from 'dwilk' to 'Steve_O'?"--Steve O.

Honorable Mention: Made Judge's Wife Laugh Dept.
"Suck it, moon hobo" --Sarah

Honorable Mention: Just Sayin' What Everyone's Thinkin' Dept.
"No, I haven't seen Radosh, or any of his guest bloggers. Now either give me some water or fuck off."--Richard Hine


Honorable Mention: Does Johnny B. Have Anger Issues? (Or is he just a fan of 'The Honeymooners' ) Dept.
My wife was a beautiful, maddening woman. She was full of desires and talents repressed and suppressed by society but burning within her veins and sinews. She threw those crushed hopes and dreams at the only target she had: me. She aroused in me so many violent and contradictory passions. One day I would promise to fuck her so hard she would experience Heaven and Hell in a thundering destruction of trembling climax. Then the next day I would threaten to punch her so hard she would fly to the moon. Brandishing my fist right beneath her nose, I shouted, over and over, "To the moon, Alice! One of these days, right to the moon." And one of those days she grew tired of it and she walloped me. And here I am. What's your story? --Johnny B.

Honorable Mention J.D. Makes An Excellent Point & Would Have Won If He Wasn't So Fucking Long-Winded Dept.
"The constant repetition of this seemingly innocent cartoon cliche -- that only a distressed, homeless or crazy man has a long beard - creates an amazing amount of bias against cultures where beards are customary or mandated by spiritual belief. Hassids are fortunate to have media protection, but such dehumanization makes it so much easier for the US government to continue its genocidal crusade against Muslims with their bearded Imams and Ayatollahs, and for the cognitively deficient to bash Sikhs, one of the most peaceful and industrious people on earth. Of course, police and airport security are blessed with superior intelligence and would never be so shallow as to profile a person based on something as harmless as facial hair, right? Just curious: what are adult men who shave trying to accomplish? Denuding their faces -- why? To pass themselves off as ravaged adolescents? Feminizing themselves to please mannish women? So many shaved men do resemble eunuchs or semi-butch lesbians. Just sayin' ..."--JD

34 comments:

JohnnyB said...

TOLD you it was fake!

dwilk said...

"Fucking Russians!"

Tim H said...

"Got any Tang?"

mypalmike said...

Fucking Americans...

Damon said...

"How the hell did you fit inside your lander?"

Charlotte said...

"Richard Branson, you are now officially an American"

NAMBY said...

“Houston? I've encountered that crazy bastard Fusilli. I'm going to ask him how he is. Over."

JohnnyB said...

...so, then we taught the apes to speak and they became our servants ... come on, take off the spacesuit and grab a seat; this is going to be a long story and -spoiler alert - you've landed back on Earth.

JohnnyB said...

So just tell your commanders you found life on this planet. You don't have to tell them it is based on banal, hackneyed New Yorker cartoon premises.

dwilk said...

Yo Al! Credit for the Honorable Mention caption regarding TB last week should go to Steve_O, not me.

JohnnyB said...

Wy wife was a beautiful, maddening woman. She was full of desires and talents repressed and suppressed by society but burning within her veins and sinews. She threw those crushed hopes and dreams at the only target she had: me. She aroused in me so many vilolent and contradictory passions. One day I would promise to fuck her so hard she would experience Heaven and Hell in a thundering destruction of trembling climax. Then the next day I would threaten to punch her so hard she would fly to the moon. Brandishing my fist right beneath her nose, I shouted, over and over, "To the moon, Alice! One of these days, right to the moon." And one of those days she grew tired of it and she walloped me. And here I am.
What's your story?

Kathy H said...

"Sorry, you must be this tall to get on this ride."

Anonymous said...

"I've got one question: Unless you've just now fallen to your knees, how is it you are leaving distinct footprints? I'm just askin'."

john said...

..the fuck's your problem?

JohnnyB said...

Someone turned over the "M" at the begining of my last caption entry. It shouls say "My wife..."

Richard Hine said...

"No, I haven't seen Radosh, or any of his guest bloggers. Now either give me some water or fuck off."

Richard Hine said...

"If you haven't got any water, what about some of that vacuum sealed ice cream?"

Richard Hine said...

"Given the fact that I think I'm dying of thirst in a desert and you're an astronaut in a zero-gravity space suit who thinks he's on the moon, I'm guessing one of us must be a mirage."

Richard Hine said...

"The last thing I remember, I was a British cop listening to that Bowie song Life on Mars. Then somehow I was in New York doing the same thing, only this time Harvey Keitel was there. Do you think maybe I'm in a coma or something and imagining all this?"

Sarah said...

"Suck it, moon hobo"

dwilk said...

"Yeah, you want to play with my robotic dog? It's a hundred dollars for thirty minutes."

dwilk said...

Yo Al! You're not already outsourcing the Anti-Caption Coentest to Joel and Ethan, are you?

Tim H said...

"...I've...got...just...one...thing...[cough, cough]...to...say...cough: Too much starch in the flag...[cough]."

Kathy H said...

"The Astros suck!"

Boris Talzhoff said...

"I'm not going to move. You fucking move, you fucking douche bag."

dwilk said...

"Christ, Houston, it's just like fucking Earth!"

NAMBY said...

"I take it you just got in from Minnesota. Welcome to Yankee Stadium."

mypalmike said...

[I vote for Sarah's.]

Anonymous said...

"So, how'd that writting gig at the Daily Show work out for you Dan?"

Limpy W said...

"Take me to your litre ....of water....I'm terribly thirsty"

Steve_O said...

"Thank god you're here! Do you also have the technology to go back in time and change last week's Runner-Up from 'dwilk' to 'Steve_O'?"

Tim H said...

"Don't worry, they're sending those rockets into the NORTH Pole of the moon, not the South Pole...At least, that's what I think they said...WTF???!!!"

Anonymous said...

"The constant repetition of this seemingly innocent cartoon cliche -- that only a distressed, homeless or crazy man has a long beard - creates an amazing amount of bias against cultures where beards are customary or mandated by spiritual belief. Hassids are fortunate to have media protection, but such dehumanization makes it so much easier for the US government to continue its genocidal crusade against Muslims with their bearded Imams and Ayatollahs, and for the cognitively deficient to bash Sikhs, one of the most peaceful and industrious people on earth. Of course, police and airport security are blessed with superior intelligence and would never be so shallow as to profile a person based on something as harmless as facial hair, right? Just curious: what are adult men who shave trying to accomplish? Denuding their faces -- why? To pass themselves off as ravaged adolescents? Feminizing themselves to please mannish women? So many shaved men do resemble eunuchs or semi-butch lesbians. Just sayin' ..."

J.D. said...

[Above entry mine, of course.]

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.