WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"Oh
Fuck! ... I just spit some Red Man on my 'Jimmy Choo Zinc Metallic
Cracked Leather Platform Sandal'!"--Dr
Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Google search confirms that Doc has used
the correct name of shoes that offer no protection from the rain,
yet are priced
at $1,095. Red
Man is indeed a popular brand of chewing tobacco. Together they
create a stupid pun. And maybe I'm projecting but it seems the
gratuitous use of a four-letter word was Doc's way of saying “Fuck
Choo.” Nicely done.)
SECOND
PLACE
Man
I hate "Run Like Kirk Gibson Day".--boneguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Dodger slugger, hobbled by bad knees, belted
two home runs against the Mets in the 1988 NLCS. He then hit a
decisive HR against the A's in the World Series. Sure it was all
very memorable and heroic, but as a Mets fan, I choose to recall that
when he ran the bases wincing in a pain, he looked like a girl in
high heels. I was going to pick this as the winner, but I didn't want
to seem like a score loser holding a grudge more than 25 years later.
So I picked it to come in second.)
THIRD
PLACE
"My
favorite player? Pumpsie
Green."--Anonymouse
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: As a die-hard hater of the [last place] Boston Red
Sox, I knew off hand that they were the last major league team to add a black
player to their roster. It was 12 years after Jackie Robinson's debut
in 1947 that Pumpsie Green joined a team that could have been called the "All-White Sox” up until then. Another fun fact: The first
black player to wear a Yankees uniform was catcher Elston
Howard. A NY sports writer famously observed, “The Yankees finally added a negro player, and wouldn't you know it, they got the
one who can't run.”
Pumpsie,
by the way, only played in the majors for five years and,
predictably, ended his lackluster career playing for the NY Mets. He
is also believed to be the only man in the history of the world to go
by the name “Pumpsie.”)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"C'mon!
C'mon! My stockings have more runs than you assholes."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Calls to mind the creative taunts I have learned as a Mets
fan: “You couldn't beat out a rug!”...“You couldn't catch a
cold”...“You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a
boat!”...“Put a tent on that circus!” … and, of course, “Hey
ump! You suck!”)
"I'd
give my left nut to have this contest judged, if I still had
one."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
Kind of a foul ball, I suppose, but I don't judge lifestyles, just
captons—when I get around to it.”)
62 comments:
"Wait'll I get my hands on that equipment manager!"
"Now I know why Joe Jackson was shoeless."
"Yeah, that Kinky Boots is a helluva show."
"Joe, what's the sign for the hit and sashay?"
"Hey ump, if I knew you were working today I would have worn my 'Bite me' shoes instead of my 'Fuck me' shoes."
"That's right. I started out in the Broadway Show League."
"Strike? It was low again!"
"You pull the pitcher. I don't think I can make it to the mound."
"Take a little break from the chew, Frank. Your saliva has been stinging my sores."
"We want a catcher, not a belly scratcher. We want a professor, not a cross dresser."
"I'm not wearing a cup."
"What? A pin-stripe jersey with solid white pants?…I'm gonna challenge that!"
"We'll never win without killer PEDs."
Ok Sparky, give the "you had me at hello" sign.
And after the game I'll be the catcher.
"It's ironic ... Baseball without balls!"
"Tryin' somethin' different. Rally caps don't work worth shit."
Man I hate "Run Like Kirk Gibson Day".
"He should take a Walk...on the wild side."
"You think my shoes are odd. Well, what about the fact that we're a football team?"
Money Balls or Loose Change
He is the most outstanding swinger in his field. Left of center of course..
He is the most outstanding swinger in his field. Left of center of course..
Boxers or Thong
"I wear my Jimmie Choos in homage to my favorite player, Choo Choo Coleman."
"Man, my dogs are barkin'! And my feet hurt, too!"
It didn't seem right otherwise, wearing the panties and all.
I've scraped gum off the last pair of cleats. I swear it.
You think THIS is a bad owner's idea? Whoever that new guy is on the bench is from the Braille Institute.
Then he says "If you don't want to get traded, get a Coach purse and spit only in that during the games."
"This is awkward ... When they walk me ... It'a be 'slow, heel toe', slow, heel toe'!"
Before integration the only place to play was the All-Transvestite League.
I figure if we pull Lincecum from the rotation no one will notice my shoes.
"When I click my heels together three times, steal home."
"Go get my glove--it's the white one."
"The bitch got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
"All this shit started with Gehrig's ice bucket challenge. He wouldn'ta been the luckiest guy on the face of the earth if I'd a gotten hold of him."
"That's right, Harry. I'm in a league of my own."
"This season, road greys are the new black."
"As Lady Gaga said ... 'This Is Who The Fuck I Am'!"
"I wish Deebs would handle my rosin bag that gently"
"Baseball Is a Funny Game."
"Hey Zim, If I hoist my pants like this don't my balls kinda look like camel-toe?"
"Yes Jenkins, I'm also wearing lacy panties and a bra. What the FUCK does that have to do with anything??"
Who does a guy have to fluff to get some balls on base?
"Swenson, keep looking straight ahead but tell me—do I look taller?"
"It's a strange fetish: He runs on the field naked, security gets him down and I go out and put the squeeze play on his balls with these stilettos…He pays extra for that."
I wish the pitchers would stop getting so nervous when i send them to the showers.
Metropolitans? I thought it was short for Metrosexuals.
"My feet are killing me."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Oh, right, and if I take my heels off, Baseball isn't gay!?"
"For the last time, Frank, transvestite is NOT the same as gay."
"Management has put me in a new position ... 'Switch Catcher'"!
"So my zipper was down, and everybody started screaming ... 'FLY BALL, FLY BALL!"
After the war, Corporal Klinger caught on with his beloved Mud Hens.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Wow, a change-up. I didn't expect that."
"Walk him down the runway and pitch to the rhino."
"Yep. We just changed our team's name to the Killer Heels."
"Yep! I put the wild in wild card!"
"I'd give my left nut to have this contest judged, if I still had one."
"This may be my last chance to really spike Jeter: Put me in coach."
I'd give my left nut, too. If I had one.
John Kruk
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