New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #403

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

In my day a hard drive was crossing a river with crocodiles.--gfwrite (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Poachers are probably a greater threat than crocks, but let's not quibble. This is, by far, the funniest, most creative cap entered. It seems gfwrite may be emerging as our next Anti-Cap star. A bit like being the best ice hockey player in Trinidad, but still.)

SECOND PLACE

Christ, kid you have it easy. When I was your age I was living in a zoo and working for peanuts.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Elephants are extraordinarily smart and there are many people who feel they should not be held in captivity. So if they ever developed opposable thumbs this seems a plausible scenario. I'm just sayin'.)

THIRD PLACE

Are you saying just because we're Republicans, the ACA website won't work for us?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Or, more likely, because they're Republicans, they DON'T WANT it to work –not for you, not for elephants, not for anyone.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Ever since that trip to Alabama my Tuscaloosa."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Groan inducing-- yet clever. Stupid puns like this are like a glue that simultaneously holds this contest together and gums up the works.)

"I remember when we needed to use a mouse. That was some scary shit."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Again we are left to wonder how the hell an elephant can use a computer. Made me wonder why no one suggested the elephant was trolling for a date on the “Misc Romance” section of Craigslist or, continuing the Republican theme, Christian Mingle. )

"move your ass so i can watch the pillow--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Calls attention to the odd design on the pillow. Yes, it could be a TV. So a great eye for detail renders an absurd caption with zero entertainment value.)

"Are you ready for the judgement? Are you ready for that terrible swift sword?"--Bob is tired of waiting (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The very instant I came to this cap, a Bob Dylan song came on the radio station I'm streaming from Nashville [WDVX]. The song mentions “the coast of Californ”--which is, more or less, where I live. I read somewhere that deceased loved ones will reach out to the living with a song timed at a precisely appropriate moment. Also, the cap is based on a song from the Dylan's 1980 Christian-themed album, “Saved.” AND it is a cap that calls attention to my inattention to this contest...It's all kind of spooky is all I'm saying.)

"Stop browsing for porn and judge the damn contests!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A lot you know! You don't have to browse for something you have already bookmarked. Also, if this cap is from Mrs. al in la I really don't appreciate you humor, dear.)

You enter a contest with the judge you have, not the judge you want.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bastardization of Rummy's famous quote explaining his blunders as Sec. Of Defense during the Iraq debacle. He was mostly interested in defending his incompetence.)

Look at the bright side. al is in no
way judgmental.-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You really get the sense that the absence of results hit boneguy particularly hard. )

Was the loss of JohnnyB the beginning of the end for al?.......just wonderin'--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not really, but soon after he departed I got an email from Johnny saying he found it tedious that I included so many Honorable Mentions. I had always assumed that was a good thing.)

"My turn, Nova. Grandpa needs to placate his minions"--Peon, Me (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you only knew how poignant this is. Nova believes the only worthwhile use of my “pewter” occurs when she climbs up on my lap so we can watch cartoons on YouTube together. On many days I agree.)

"When al was alive, he used to judge the contest every week."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See below. )

"Hey, you remember New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #397, where the Grim Reaper came in as relief pitcher? Al was next batter."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm touched that some may have speculated that the absence of Anit-Cap results was a byproduct of my untimely departure. It's like someone hears their paperboy died they invariably think, “That's too bad. Now how the hell am I supposed to get my paper every day? )

'Do you know what's weirder than a kid elephant using a laptop? People who keep entering a caption contest where there is never a winner."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Weirder still is the incessant need for validation in even the most trivial matters.)

"Daniel Radosh had his faults, but Contest abandonment was not one of them."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Four minutes after entering this Ms. H added: "What I mean is that when he did abandon the Contest, he gave two-weeks' notice.” I remember once back in NYC, I quit a job and gave two weeks notice. About an hour later, after my boss saw me reading the paper, munching on doughnuts and making personal calls, he said “Why don't we make this your last day?” This somehow made me think of that.)

Get a life, people.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I sense this is a reference to the caps beggaring me. Still, telling someone to “Get a life.” never prompts them to say “Okay, will do!.”)

"Can we just cast a vote amongst ourselves for the winner?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If life worked like that I'd have my Pulitzer Prize displayed along side my Oscar and my Heisman Trophy.)

"Do a search for 'alinla'."
-- Jim Cavanugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Appropriate for the image and the circumstance, I suppose. This blog is in fact the top result that surfaces when you search Google for “al in la.” Finding the real al in la proves to be a bit more complicated, I'd be the first to admit.)

"Remember, it's not the judging. It's the contest that matters."--al in al (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was, indeed, posted by yours truly. It is telling for a couple reasons. Even as I continued to post the contest –which takes about two minutes – I am well aware that I had not offered results in several weeks. I felt the need to communicate something that might be somehow comforting to Anti-Cappers. The image of an old elephant making a remark to someone on a computer prompted this. It was hastily added as a means of suggesting that you don't need a weather-man to know which way the wind blows. Still, I look at it now and see that, in my haste, I wrote “al in al.” Not to be clever. Just a consequence of my chronic sloppiness. So I'll share this with you: one of the reason's writing comments is a pain in the ass is that I almost always see type-os when I read what I've posted. I think it compromises my stature as a writer [wait for laughter]. Actually it just annoys me. It's a recurring issue, is all I'm trying to say.)