WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"None
with dicks in the last batch, either. Fuck!"--NJ-to-TX
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Crude yet insightful. Calls attention to the
lameness of this cartoon and the dubious nature of the whole Noah's
Ark concept. Finding a male and female for every species on earth
would be a major challenge. Safe to say giraffe genitalia would be
more easily recognizable than, say, that of a flea. But the point of
this cap is well taken. )
SECOND
PLACE
"We're
gonna make an unscheduled stop in Great Neck."--Anonymouse
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Simplistic but
clever in a regional sort of way. Great Neck is neighborhood on the
north shore of Long Island. It is near the L.I. Sound so an ark
carrying giraffes could conceivably stop there.)
THIRD
PLACE
The
Bush Library called. They want to change their order to 27 ostriches
.--boneguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: A pointed political statement that plays into the
wide-spread disgust many of us have for Bush. I'm fine with
ostriches, but weasels, pigs, snakes or rats would have also been
acceptable.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"It's
official- the number of brown giraffes has just surpassed the total
number of black people in New Yorker cartoon history."--LR
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is no way to
verify the accuracy of this, but it advances a running joke. So be
it. )
"All
I asked for was one fucking cat. You're a dick!"--Emzara
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: In fairness, a
cat would be easier to clean up after. )
"They
think it's a pleasure trip but I'm really taking them to a plantation
owner in Virginia."--Satireguy
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: A thinly veiled reference to slave ships. Still, I doubt
the human cargo shackled below ever thought anything good was coming
from their trip.)
"What
can I say? I'm a Toys
'R' Us kind
of kiid."--Anonymouse
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: The
toy-store chain does in fact have a giraffe in their logo. Also the
red-faced author of this cap went back and added “...kid” in the
next cap to correct the type-o. Very conscientious.)
"Let's
get a drink. The highballs are on me!"--cta
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This
works a little bit because giraffe balls are, by definition, up high.
Would have been better if it somehow worked in the word “cocktail.”
)
"We're
gonna need a bigger...uhhhh....a bigger........shit, I can't think of
the word."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: “Vocabulary” is
the word you are looking for.)
"All
I'm saying is, with The
Hangover Part III,
giraffes have finally crashed through the brown-spotted
ceiling."--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: The take-away: If you are towing a giraffe
in a trailer behind your car, when you approach an overpass, roll
down the window and yell “duck!” It will be very messy if you
don't.)
"...and
sometimes the fucking weatherman is right."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, I like to
assume, is a reference to Dylan's line that says “You don't need a
weatherman to know which way the wind blows.” We're not getting a
lot of Dylan references anymore [hint, hint] so this will have to
do.)
"The
moment I stepped on board, I said to myself, 'This would make a great
New
Yorker
cartoon.'"--Anonymouse
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: The only thing great
about this lame-ass cartoon is the lengths to which it goes to
justify itself. )
"If
Derrick's gonna sit on his ass all playoffs, then I need rebounding
help."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: An
apparent reference to Derrick Rose, an oft-injured guard for the
Chicago Bulls. Our first ever NBA-related cap. Esoteric but
pointless—just like him. )
Bored
with simply colorizing, Ted Turner also made the bible more
giraphic.--Hanoi
Jane (bitch) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very dated,
profoundly stupid and, signature-wise, mean-spirited. Still, it is
the only cap that references the New Yorker's occasional use of
color, so there's that at least.)
"Alright,
here's Comment
#100.
Now, where's my goddamned prize??!"--I
Ain't Got All Day (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: It is nice to see that the number of comments has swelled to
three figures once again. The real contest reportedly gets upwards of
4,000 entries a week. I would hate that. [Who has the time to sift
through that kind of muck?] So think of the Anti-Cap Contest as a
boutique and the real contest as huge cold conglomerate. This
linked to a ridiculous cartoon of a giraffe, by the way. )
Wow,
the whole premise of the Anti-Caption contest has been forgotten.
Sad.
(Except this one: "It's official- the number of brown
giraffes has just surpassed the total number of black people in New
Yorker cartoon history.")--Joshua
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: As is the case
week-after-week, every Anti-Capper offered an entry in the spirit of
amusing everyone else, except this douche bag: Joshua. So what's your
point, babe?)
98 comments:
"He said "Get me two of every species." So I said, "How about 25 of one species?" And he said, "Sure! That'll work."
"What can I say? I'm a Toys 'R' Us kind of kiid."
...kid
"I said, ' carafes!'"
"I understand giraffe tastes just like chicken. "
"I stick my neck out for no one."
"And none of them can 'Row' ... Although I expect there'll be good 'Waders'!"
Welcome to the world's first and last gay cruise.
"And where we first make landfall and set foot on the dry earth, that place shall be called 'Long Shlong Island'."
"It's official- the number of brown giraffes has just surpassed the total number of black people in New Yorker cartoon history."
"We're gonna need a bigger...uhhhh....a bigger........shit, I can't think of the word."
If I can get $2.50/lb., I can pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a street mime.
I think I dream in black and white....no wait, make that color.
"All I'm saying is, with The Hangover Part III, giraffes have finally crashed through the brown-spotted ceiling."
"What's that? I'm going overboard? That better be a rhetorical statement."
"Dear, I have a confession to make ... I've had a vasectomy!"
"Thank God that the ferry stand-by line allows up to 25 giraffes. Next stop: Martha's Vineyard!"
"So I say to the bartender, 'Do you have any longnecks?'"
"God told me he got pissed off at mankind and wiped everything out. Things should be improving now."
We're moving the Sophie factory to China.
"We're gonna make an unscheduled stop in Great Neck."
"...and sometimes the fucking weatherman is right."
“I know my papers and yours are in order, but
I’m not so sure about the iraffes-gays."
"The Ark if Noah had married Jeanine Giraffalo."
"On my mark, we'll disembark the ark!"
"The moment I stepped on board, I said to myself, 'This would make a great New Yorker cartoon.'"
Bored with simply colorizing, Ted Turner also made the bible more giraphic.
"I said, 'Jew-raft'!"
[nod to Tim H.]
"The irony is that I hate giraffes."
"They think it's a pleasure trip but I'm really taking them to a plantation owner in Virginia."
"The giraffe lookout's have been great. ... We haven't hit anything since our near miss with the 'Andrea Doria"!"
Thank God we brought along a wildebeest . It plugged the hole in the hull perfectly.
"Right about now ... I feel like Leonardo Dicaprio on the bow of the RMS Titanic!" ... Being pursued by the U.S. Border Patrol ... For the illegal importation of 32 Mexicalli Giraffiti ... One of who is known as 'Carlos the Gackle'!"
"Let's get a drink. The highballs are on me!"
"We need to find land soon or the steaks are going to be high."
"I suck at math."
"They were on special."
"Somebody better invent a zoo, fast!"
"I just feel bad for the ones in steerage."
Tim H married up.
"I smell Ararat"
"Because they make good look outs. That's why."
"Don't worry, the bridge is really low."
"I started with two but it turns out giraffes fuck like rabbits."
"This is the easy part. Getting through the subway turnstiles, not so much."
"Hey. Wanna neck?"
"Maybe God's a giraffe."
"I was kinda wasted, but I think this is what He told me to do."
"You can't seem him, but there's also a gerbil."
"You can't see him, but I also have a gerbil."
"I just realized our kids are going to be knee-deep in incest. Just like all these damn giraffes."
Anyway, like I was sayin', giraffe is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, giraffe-kabobs, giraffe creole, giraffe gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple giraffe, lemon giraffe, coconut giraffe, pepper giraffe, giraffe soup, giraffe stew, giraffe salad, giraffe and potatoes, giraffe burger, giraffe sandwich. That- that's about it.
And then the bartender says "Why the long neck?"
So, do you have any life issues that you need help coping with?
How's the weather up there? Is it still a flood?
Compensating? What do you mean compensating?
I could say anything at all and I'd beat JohnnyB, even this.
So, have you put any more thought into that 27-way?
Day three since going undercover on the giraffes' secret boat. No one suspects a thing.
I'm so ossicone.
We had to cut dragons and unicorns to make room, but these things are going to catch on, I promise.
I think we've got that cruise limbo competition in the bag.
"Honestly I did not think this thing would float and I did not think the flood would be too deep: So it is a win win situation."
The Bush Library called. They want to change their order to 27 ostriches .
"Anna Wintour says that big brown spots are the new "black.'"
"Considering the cargo, I'd like to rename the Ark ... The 'USS FLATTUS MAXIMUS!"
"Next ... Cancel the Komodo Dragons, and pick up the Montana Sheep (Where men are men, and sheep are nervous)!"
"We can drop one overboard every day to check the water level- for almost a month, anyway."
"We seem to have gotten into an ark tangent."
"I lent one of them a twenty and damned if I can't remember which one. Y'know. Because they all look alike. Giraffes."
"I keep telling 'em to spread out. I guess they don't understand Aramaic."
"I don't think that bill of lading said anything about giraffes."
Have you seen my new reality TV show, Biblical Hoarders?
"Call me meshuga, but I'm gonna open a restuarant called Quilted Giraffe."
...restaurant
"I wanted a couple of Johnny Bees, but there doesn't even seem to be one any more."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Don't be naive, Beckie."
"Godammit."
"Quick ... Tell Stevie Wonder the navigator ... Take a hard right to starboard ... There's a Giant Schwanzstucker off our port bow!!!"
If we stack them all on top of each other when we get to Mt. Sinai, maybe we can get at God's prostate.
"Hey baby, you can just call me Chuck. Wanna see how natural selection works?"
"Seaman on the poop deck, here I come!"
"The beauty part is that after 24 giraffes at full fare, you get a discount."
"Alright, here's Comment #100. Now, where's my goddamned prize??!"
Not only is Anonymouse having spelling problems, she can't count either.
"I think we're going to need a bill of lading ... Long Form!"
"Estelle, number 26, requests a Tampax, and some 'Even-Toed Ungulate' latex gloves!"
"It's not quite camel toe, but it'll do."
I have examined Anonymouse's books and have found them in order. Anonymouse counted 26 giraffes: 25 standing tall and 1 poor fella who was seasick and hanging over the rail. The ledger shows that 24 were paid for in full (as noted in the comment) and that the 2 others received a discount.
I stand corected.
corrected
I'm sorry but if it's a Dirty Sanchez you're looking for, the party ark left at 3.
Minority..what are you talking about?
"I didn't say anything about necks. I said I wanted to give you a pearl necklace."
Wow, the whole premise of the Anti-Caption contest has been forgotten. Sad.
(Except this one: LR said..."It's official- the number of brown giraffes has just surpassed the total number of black people in New Yorker cartoon history.")
"Hey! Who's cleaning up the animal crap if you're hanging around up here?" (And Happy Mother's Day!)
"I'm tired of looking at genitalia."
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