New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #362

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Every fucking cactus is giving you the finger, asshole!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not especially funny, but it contains a literal truth presented in a manner that is absurd, juvenile, simplistic and inappropriate. As such, it's not without merit. [Note the skillful juxtaposition of “finger” and “asshole”] It gains top honors to confirm that the judging criteria is consistent, even if the judge is not.)

SECOND PLACE

"You know those sadists at the New Yorker deliberately left us here for two whole weeks while a bunch of assholes try to think of something funny to say."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another “asshole” delivered anonymously. Cheap shots aimed at the NYer are always welcomed here but never mistake laziness with sadism, even if they often yield the same unfortunate result. [See: Bush, George W.] )

THIRD PLACE

"Damn. Did I leave the oven on??"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT : Remarkably, Kathy did not provide a link to confirm that an oven is a common household appliance that generates heat. This gets props to encourage her continued participation which, in turn, facilitates my continued ridicule. Call it the “Anti Cap Circle of Life.”)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"We're like a couple of sperm in Demi Moore's cooter."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nasty, but it confirms that even B-list celebrities are fair game for mean spirited quips. From this we can deduce that the veteran actress is unable to bare children-- we already knew she couldn't hatch a decent movie. [See what I mean by “mean”?])

"In all my years of cross-country skiing the Mojave Desert, I've never seen a player as good as Jimmy Chitwood."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references the reluctant weird-looking hero who led his H.S. basketball team to victory in “Hoosiers.” The film, starring Gene Hackman as the coach, was released in 1986, which is also when I was covering the film industry – so I knew this! In my gameshow fantasy, I buzz-in and say: “'Late '80's Movies' for a hundred, Alex.)

"No wonder Polish names end in -ski."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT : Get it? Polish people are dumb and only a dumb person would ski in the desert. But would they have the self-awareness to disparage themselves like this? Someone once told me “Jet Ski” was Russian for “jet.” Made me laugh. )

"Christ, you're an asshole!"--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They're both assholes, but Steve is no asshole. He gets my blessing for resurrecting a classic. Praise be.)

"I'm haunted by the chafing of my rectum."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Despite the discomfort, rectum is a fancy way to say asshole, so here we have a gruesome classic evoked in a classy way.  [It's a twist on “I'm haunted by the faces of my victims." ] Remember, the judging powers here are extreme. )

"...must...get...home...to...judge...Anti...Cap...Contest...."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins a string of Anti-Caps that call attention to the sporadic nature of the judging process. It's only when your absence goes unnoticed that you fail to be relevant. Nice job Tim! I have been home all this time but, sadly, the lost-in-a-desert metaphor is fitting.)

If only I had changed my will, bequeathing the contest to Mrs. alinla.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: First-ever use of the word “bequeathing” in this contest. Congrats! The Mrs. jumped in around Thanksgiving but this contest is hardly a treasure to be enjoyed by generations to come. The Anti Cap contest is more like a special needs person – a blind quadriplegic with Tourette syndrome, say. If the primary caregiver goes, it's only right to ask who will take responsibility. Arrangements must be made. Besides, she's already getting my Dylan collection and my Mickey Mantle-autographed baseball.)

Here's one: How is al like Romney? 
Ever since Obama won, neither has done shit.--Ken (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here's another one: How is Ken like Romney? They both annoy al. This cap reenforces the notion that if you haven't done anything for me, you haven't done anything at all. They should remove “In God We Trust” and put that on our currency, you know, for the sake of accuracy. )

"What's the point? Al's not coming back."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If your contribution is aimed only at acquiring validation, you have indeed missed the point...Now go.)

"...al in la? Oh, I hear he's been traded to Toronto."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT : An obvious reference to R.A. Dickey. Works on several levels. I have been told I bare some resemblance to the author/knuckleballer who instantly became a former Met when he won the Cy Young award. It's their perverse incentive program: do well and we will send you away. I can relate.)

"If I die here and now at least I will be remembered as the last First Place winner in alinla's stupid Anti-Caption Contest."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not anymore. Besides, I clicked your self-serving link and it was Mrs. al in la who gave you top honors some weeks back. That's like your mother telling you you're handsome. Also, "stupid Anti-Caption" is redundant.)

"Well, as they say...dying's easy, comedy's hard. And apparently judging comedy is hardest of all."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Judging is easy. It's the accountability that's burdensome.)

Will somebody turn the lights off?! This moribund blog is wasting bits on the interwebs.--Hypocritical Idiot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if! That's like saying bleach is wasted when used to create blonde hair. Sometimes the ends justify the means. Redeeming value: First use of the word “moribund” in this contest.)

What's the rush? You think this contest is going to judge itself?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This calls attention to the expanded window of opportunity that exists when the judging is sluggish – I think.)

"This must be the vast, arid wasteland known as a neglected blog."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which he other guy says, “Now you tell me!” Point taken.)

If al was torn apart by hyenas, who on earth posted
 this?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks man! I have been dutifully posting the cartoon week after week. A high school teacher buddy of mine once told me he shows films when he's hung-over or just not into teaching.  Same philosophy applies.)

Why am I surprised that the same guy who thinks a Fiat is a French car would get us into this mess?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah I get it. You're right. I was wrong. But scrutiny is only valid when the scrutinized give a shit what you think.)

Jesus al if I hear "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me" one more time I'm going to shove this ski up your ass.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I never say shit like that, but if you're going to sodomize me with a ski, at least have the decency to use extra wax and go pointy-tip first.)

In the new year I resolve to cut Al's ration of shit in half.--Hypocritical Idiot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Notice this doesn't specify which new year.)

"You'd think........after two weeks of crawling...in this treacherous sun.....that that asshole would have posted.......the NEW CARTOON!!!!!"Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT : Done and done. And that's "JUDGE Asshole" to you, mister.)

"I wish Al were here. He'd know what to do."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'd make a signal fire by using my glasses to magnify the sun onto a pile of flammable items like your caps and gloves [which I can't believe you're still wearing]. While waiting for help, I would use your skies and jackets to make a shelter. I'd use the tips of the polls to extract moisture from the cactus and share with you the now-melted, but still delicious Snickers Bar that I had in my pack all the while. But before I did any of that, I'd make fun of you for trying to ski in the desert.)