WINNERSFIRST PLACE"I'm Ordinary Man."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At first we shrug and ask, "Yeah right! What's his special power, polishing a barstool with his butt?" But maybe this is a statement about how people with no looks, brains or social status can still belly up to the bar called life. Heros come in many forms. Simple, yet profound. )SECOND PLACE"Whose cover do I have to blow to get a drink around here? ('cover' is code)." --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This reminds us once again that sex is often a form of currency. Typically, bartenders would rather have the cash.)
THIRD PLACE"Really? So no one here can help me change a fucking tire?"--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's not that they can't, maybe they just don't want to. Lose the F-bomb and what we have here you is a contenter for the real contest.)
HONNORABLE MENTIONS "Alo, I ees welcoming your customers to Comic-Con 2012 in Anaheim. Tacos en me El Camino; nerds want?" --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Funny, ironic or insightful not this is.)
Sorry buddy- "No super powers- no service!!!!" --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Rule of thumb: If the bartender calls you "buddy" they have a Pabst on draft.)
None of them saw the Gingrich thing coming. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This tries to make a statement but even the party faithful realize there are no heroes vying for the nomination. )
"Which one is Romney?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The shallow one with the perfect hair. I for one suspect Mittis a droid.)
No liquor bond? I expected you to lie. Four sasparillas, you crazy bastard! How are you staying in business?--JIm Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which mean the happy hours there are obscene. Jim keeps the classics flowing like Jim Bean at a dive bar. )
I only have two questions. Why did the gentleman behind me stick his finger in my ass just now? And why did he stop?-- Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe he hit pay dirt.)
CLARENCE (appreciatively): That's a good man. I was just thinking of a flaming rum punch. No, it's not cold enough for that. Not nearly cold enough . . . Wait a minute . . . wait a minute . . . I got it. Mulled wine, heavy on the cinnamon and light on the cloves. Off with you, me lad, and be lively!
NICK: Hey, look mister, we serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast. And we don't need any characters around to give the joint atmosphere. --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: al in la: Hey look Anonymouse, we post lame caps in here for malcontents who want to get laughs fast. etc. etc . )
"You know what tops this, Henry? Burning Man." --Quinn the Eskimo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Burning man is nice if you like naked chicks with tatoos. If you enjoy using a working bathroom, not so much. )
"Actually, I'm a copyright attorney." *bar clears out*--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, it's more of a trademark issue.)
"70 years ago today at Pearl Harbor we had some real heroes." --Shelly. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Submitted on Dec. 7 so we get the meaning. But this better not be a tribute to Japanese fighter pilots.)
"This is not the end," Alinla sobbed, clutching his heaving buttocks, oscillating to Forest Gump's karaoke version of "Onward Christian Soldiers," and pausing only occasionally to scratch his itching left armpit while his sapphire eye patches, brimming with crocodile tears (ala Contest # 307), turned helplessly toward the gibbous moon that hung in the brooding sky like a tobacco-stained nail paring --Dr. sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: ...As the others in the bar edged away, he downed yet another shot of cheap whiskey, paused momentarily and said "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.")
80 comments:
"Mister, I don't like the cut of your jib."
---blw
"I'd like a hero sandwich. Also, do you serve food?"
"I'm about to be finger-raped from behind by a big, gay superhero. So, I dunno...scotch?"
"Actually, I'm a copyright attorney."
*bar clears out*
"Whooa Duude, This is like the Fortress of Drunkitude."
"I liked it better when there were Hero Drink Vending Machines!"
"I'll have a Flaming Dr Pepper, and for my gay hero, a Corn N' Oil!"
"Hmmm!? I guess sometimes with great power comes great irresponsibility."
Sorry buddy- "No super powers- no service!!!!"
"Robin's outside. I put 5 cents in the meter. Told him they have strict licensing laws in this country and a boy his age isn't allowed in drinking tavern."
"It actually pisses them off that everybody knows their name."
"Word to the wise- you don't want to follow 'The Thing' in the john."
"Is he going to stick that thing in my ear?"
"It's not a gay bar? I dunno; I just kinda thought it might be a gay bar."
"Tell the guys they have five minutes to finish their drinks. Then they're back in the van."
"I'm "Super Sperm", undercover!"
"Whose cover do I have to blow to get a drink around here? ('cover' is code)."
"I'm "Captain Condom", undercover!"
"What kind of non-alcoholic beers do you have?"
"Did anyone find a red cape and a blue unitard with a big S on it?"
"So - what does a guy have to do around here to get a drink."
"Well, this is comical."
Grim group. This looks like a job for Paxilman.
Woah. I guess elections do have consequences.
"I'm haunted by the faces of my depictions."
Superhero Handler: "He'll have a diet soda and the sugarless pie, because he really does look fat in those tights."
"Dude, stop it. I've told you how many times now...it doesn't matter how many tall buildings you leap in a single bound if you're a thumb-sucker."
"This is not the end," Alinla sobbed, clutching his heaving buttocks, oscillating to Forest Gump's karaoke version of "Onward Christian Soldiers," and pausing only occasionally to scratch his itching left armpit while his sapphire eye patches, brimming with crocodile tears (ala Contest # 307), turned helplessly toward the gibbous moon that hung in the brooding sky like a tobacco-stained nail paring.
They weren't kidding when they said the Blackwater commissary was a trip.
"Like I'm real impressed, barkeep. What is this, Ladies Night? Shut up and give me your best shot . . . make it a double."
---left coast wayne
"Which one is Romney?"
Would you mind telling them the network passed on "America's Next Top Superhero"?
"Your toilet's clogged, by a captains log! Ah, hey thanks for the stool!"
“You’re probably wondering why I called you all here today.”
---blw
"I'm from S.H.I.E.L.D. We're reassembling The OnaBenders"
"70 years ago today at Pearl Harbor we had some real heroes."
The Night The Singapore Sling Wasn't Invented
"What time does Happy Hour start?"
"Is this some sort of joke?"
"Four Cosmos."
Jim Cavanaugh
"I'd like to start with a cape and tights, and then work my way up. How does "Captain Ejackulator" sound to you?"
None of them saw the Gingrich thing coming.
"You all wouldn't be here unless you were ready for the question---'Are you ready to be born again?'"
---Rev. Ike
"Is there a dress code?"
"I am health inspector Slam Dunkleberg. Somebody reported a tattoo parlour masquerading as a superhero bar!"
"They've been like this ever since the world was declared 'perfect, as is'."
"Alo, I ees welcoming your customers to Comic-Con 2012 in Anaheim. Tacos en me El Camino; nerds want?"
"Ever read vol. 3, issue #221, where Bartender Man gets shot in the back of the head and robbed? Let's roleplay."
"Do you think Albert Pujols is worth all that money?"
"I'm looking for the other gay bar. The one with the Village People."
"I'm Jerry -- I'm looking for Captain Underpants."
"That wing-headed bastard is about to give me a wet-willy, isn't he?"
"Man, I could hardly even get to the bar. This is the best Invisible-Ladies' Night to date."
"Why do these guys even show up on Krypto Night?"
“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis."
"You're in deep shit. Rocket Man left here totally bombed out of his mind and now 28 people are dead - Oh, wow! Shatner's version!"
Could you tell the guy driving the Batmobile he left his dual front cannons on autofire?
I forgot my costume . I'm really Thor-ry
“Me? I’m the Fart-Meister. One Super-Duper drink special, on the house, or I’ll clear the room.”
"I'm Ordinary Man."
Pretty sure that guy just put that finger in my B hole....
I'm assuming everything here is super.
"I just took a dump on your floor! Could you page Captain Ass-Wipe?"
"Did you hear the one about the senile superhero who flashed himself in the mirror?"
"How cold was it? It was so cold that Mongo Flasher, could only describe himself!"
"You know what tops this, Henry?Burning Man."
"I know they'd be a lot happier if their creators had only given them genitalia."
"And another "Shirley Temple" for the Hulk, who is probably unaware his foot is lying on my enormous, but now limp penis!"
That guy that looks like a wall of cement? His wife just left him. He's taking it pretty hard.
Capt. America over here just left a Tea Party, so I'm trying to get him to drink like a real man. Let's start him off with an Apple Martini, shall we?
"Do you have a pipe I could hold onto? I need to serve Electric Man with a subpoena."
"Of course you don't recognize me. Just show me to the back; I'm Gloryhole Man"
"Make me a Superman"
http://www.drinknation.com/drink/superman
"The Jolly Green Giant is coming! The Jolly Green Giant is coming!"
CLARENCE (appreciatively): That's a good man. I was just thinking of a flaming rum punch. No, it's not cold enough for that. Not nearly cold enough . . . Wait a minute . . . wait a minute . . . I got it. Mulled wine, heavy on the cinnamon and light on the cloves. Off with you, me lad, and be lively!
NICK: Hey, look mister, we serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast. And we don't need any characters around to give the joint atmosphere.
I'll have a shot of human growth hormone. On second thought, make it a double.
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