Sunday, March 10, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #372














WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"The idea for a more compliant workforce just popped into my head while I was pounding my sex doll."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The idea that maybe someday we'll get funnier entries popped into my head when I read this week's batch, but you work with what you have. Instead of “sex doll” maybe “inflatable love-mate” would have given this more street cred, but the intend is clear: Management favors compliance over competency the way Anti-Cappers favor juvenile, sexually tinged entries over everything sensible.)
SECOND PLACE
"Jeez. I kinda hate to tell him that he's been replaced by an Argentine Jesuit."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As is so often the case, there is depth here that may have eluded the Anti-Capper. The new Pope is an Argentine Jesuit and while he seems like a breath of fresh air for his apparent disgust at the opulence that ignores the needy, he is like a wind-up doll when addressing reproductive rights and marriage equality. Also, he gives no indication that he will oppose the designated hitter rule. In other words: More of the same )
THIRD PLACE
how are so many anti-cappers missing the other wind-up guy?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Anti-Cappers missed something? Go figure. This would have been much better if it began with an uppercase letter and had quote marks around it to ensure that it was meant as a cap. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"It really sucks around here since Steve Jobs died."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jobs encouraged workers to unlock the shackles of conformity. His legacy endures.)
"Hey, Harry, what do you make of the fact that a mouse appears in two Contests in a row?"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which Harry would say: So what? TimH has had his bland and mediocre caps appear in the last 100 caps in a row.)


"I thought these new droids weren't supposed to look at porn."--reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This would have been better if there was any hint that porn is actually appearing on their screens. OR, reading deeper, maybe they are tech manuals appearing on the screen which may in fact be droid porn—just speculating.)
"I hired a couple of widgets. I hope you don't mind."--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic pressed into service. Widgets are not typically robots, but we'll let that slide.)
"The hours here are byzantine*"
*Relating to, or characterized by a devious and usually surreptitious manner of operation (a byzantine power struggle.)--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic. The need to explain it somehow diminishes it but also makes sense.)
"So which one's Keyser Söze?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: References an appropriate character from the film, The Usual Suspects. Also includes those two dots over a letter which shows attention to detail.)
"Fuck you!...that's his name. He's from Mitch and Murray and he's on a mission of mercy."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And this one is from “Glenn Garry, Glenn Ross.” The story line deals with marginalized workers so this works a little bit but they don't seem to be self-loathing. I mean where's Jack Lemmon?)
"They're wooden soldiers driving Barnaby and his bogeymen from Toyland...using drones of course."--NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you are familiar with the 1934 Laurel and Hardy film “March of the Wooden Soldiers” and the ongoing drone program – this makes a little bit of sense.)
I'm trying to set him up with the pretty blow up doll in accounts receivable.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like this week's the winner, but not nearly as good. Sadly, boneguy's slump continues. )
I can hear the turning of the key
I’ve been deceived by the clown inside of me
I thought that he was righteous but he’s vain
Oh, something’s a-telling me I wear the ball and chain--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here again we see yet another failed effort to out-Dylan the Judge. This is from an obscure song “Abandoned Love.” Johnny, no doubt, found that out by Googling “Dylan” and “key.” I found that out by knowing it. It happens to be one of my favorite Dylan songs. It also includes these lines: “Everybody’s wearing a disguise/To hide what they’ve got left behind their eyes.” In other words “Something is happening here but you don't know what it is. Do you Mr. B?”)

I tried giving Johnny B a couple of extra turns but still nothing funny.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Your time would be better spent pulling on a bull's tits in the hopes of drawing milk.)
"We should just hire Asians because they work this hard with no breaks anyway. Is this racist enough for the real contest?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references my recent non-contest blog enter. Always nice to see someone's paying attention.)
Removed by anticaptioner--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Discretion is the better part of valor. I include this to applaud what was undoubtedly a wise move. You listening, Mr. B?)
Jenkins, meet al's replacement. I told you a mindless automaton could do it.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A mindless automaton with the patience of a saint, a propensity to make type-o's, and, of course,  an encyclopedic knowledge of a lot of shit most people are clueless about, you mean.)

84 comments:

reid savid said...

"His wife has AIDS, again."

reid savid said...

"I thought these new droids weren't supposed to look at porn."

boneguy said...

Basically , they're screwed.

boneguy said...

I say "stop screwing up" at lot less.

boneguy said...

If it wasn't for his range anxiety, I'd ask him to lunch.

Jess said...

"I hired a couple of widgets. I hope you don't mind."

NJ-to-TX said...

"If we're not careful, this is where we'll all wind up."

JohnnyB said...

We have to buy them all key man insurance.

JohnnyB said...

This guy is twisted.

JohnnyB said...

I can hear the turning of the key
I’ve been deceived by the clown inside of me
I thought that he was righteous but he’s vain
Oh, something’s a-telling me I wear the ball and chain

JohnnyB said...

This is a turn key operation.

JohnnyB said...

It's a New Yorker cartoon. There are no Black Keys.

Anonymouse said...

"He's one of our key employees."

Kathy H said...

"Perhaps you've heard of his family: The Florida Keys?"

LR said...

"And this department is run by a real backstabber."

LR said...

"I ask them why they stop working sometimes and they just mutter, 'Spring break...'."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Bill Buffington, the excutive on the left, is scratching his tiny balls, with his tiny hand, and could care less about Andrewoid #163!"

Anonymouse said...

"I knew one of us Harrison Triplets would make it big one day, but who would've guessed it'd be Jazzbo?"

Kathy H said...

"For the record, does "Key" rhyme with "Vey?"

Kathy H said...

"I understand his great-great-grandfather wrote the Canadian Winding Up Act."

Steve_O said...

"It really sucks around here since Steve Jobs died."

Anonymous said...

"These aren't the drones you're looking for."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"So which one's Keyser Söze?"

Richard H said...

“Since we were acquired by Bain, we’re manufacturing all our new executives in China”

boneguy said...

I'm trying to set him up with the pretty blow up doll in accounts receivable.

Satireguy said...

"As you can see, it's literally a turn-key operation."

Anonymous said...

"Fuck you!...that's his name. He's from Mitch and Murray and he's on a mission of mercy."

boneeguy said...

We recruit exclusively from BYU.

boneguy said...

We recruit exclusively from BYU.

Anonymous said...

"We should just hire Asians because they work this hard with no breaks anyway. Is this racist enough for the real contest?"

boneguy said...

Jenkins, meet al's replacement. I told you a mindless automaton could do it.

Dr Sumguy said...

"The only downside ... An occasional hereditary hydraulic leak that runs in their jeans!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"A few have disappeared ... We think the're hitting 'Ctrl Alt Delete'!"

Anonymous said...

I tried giving Johnny B a couple of extra turns but still nothing funny.

Tim H said...

"Hey, Harry, what do you make of the fact that a mouse appears in two Contests in a row?"

Steve_O said...

"The idea for a more compliant workforce just popped into my head while I was pounding my sex doll."

Jess said...

"The hours here are byzantine*"

*Relating to, or characterized by a devious and usually surreptitious manner of operation (a byzantine power struggle.)

Dex said...

It's my new marketing staff. First the wind-up, then the pitch.

Anonymous said...

"Quick, give them a cappuccino."

"That's no longer necessary. dumb fuck."

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"If you remove the key, their 'Petseleh and Nuts' fall off ... It's the best holiday snack...ever!"

Dr Sumguy said...

Maybe 'Petzel's and Nuts'!

NJ-to-TX said...

"Don't even think about it. Read the company's sexual harassment policy."

Tim H said...

"I don't know how good he is, but I like the cut of his jib. And that key."

Kathy H said...

"Yes, studies have shown that having your replacement just feet away makes for a more efficient worker."

Anonymous Coward said...

"I think Jenkins is wound a bit too tight."

Hypocritical Idiot said...

"We were going to stick the keys someplace else. However, the union reserved that orifice for their own use."

Dr Sumguy said...

"His key is rotating counterclockwise! ... We think he's gay! ... Push in his stool!"

Satireguy said...

"As you can see, it's been our key to success."

boneguy said...

Welcome to the Museum of the Great Recession. You are looking at our first permanent installation, a faithful recreation of The Country Wide Robo-Signing Division.

Anonymouse said...

"Jeez. I kinda hate to tell him that he's been replaced by an Argentine Jesuit."

Pete Gibbons said...

"You're shitting me right!? We just wind up our Doppelgangers, sneak out the back, smoke a few bowls, then go for happy finishes at Cho Cho San's Handjob Factory and no one's going to notice? Fuck yea, I'm in!"

NAMBY said...

"They're wooden soldiers driving Barnaby and his bogeymen from Toyland...using drones of course."

Satireguy said...

"This is Peter Vey but we call him P.C. because he works at a personal computer."

Steve_O said...

"Now don't fall for it when Johnson asks you to twist his crank."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Everybody thinks it's rehab ... But ... It's actually a 'Crank Lab'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

Removed by anticaptioner

Anonymous said...

"He used to be a keynote speaker until he lost his notes."

boneguy said...

It's not every day you see the Romney boys all in one place.

NJ-to-TX said...

"I had this wind-up woman once who ended up accusing me of date-rape. I mean, you could still see it turning a little bit."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I can't stand that fucking buzzing sound anymore!"

REX said...

"Changing their batteries led to harassment complaints, so..."

Anonymous said...

"Fucking Geek Squad techs can't even figure out AOL dial up."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"On the org chart, he's under Warren T."

Anonymous said...

"C-section baby or she's dead."

Anonymous said...

"Dick here once got recalled when he was deemed a choking hazard."

smuck said...

"This is Tom. As you can see from his surgically-implanted tag, he was employee number eight. What a trooper. Well, anyhow... Let's get out of here and grab some more caviar and champagne at Le Riche Fuquades."

Kathy H said...

Mr. Machine, all growed up.

Anonymous said...

"He can't blow himself either."

Anonymous said...

I'm just the oily slick
On the windup world of the nervous tic
In a very fashionable hovel

Richard H said...

"This is why Marissa doesn't allow any of us to work at home anymore"

Anonymous said...

how are so many anti-cappers missing the other wind-up guy?

Angus Podgorny said...

"Oh, I get it: office workers are automatons in cubicles! Gosh, that trope never gets old! I bet their handles are a symbol of the infinite repetitions of it I could enjoy! Now if only my tie had a cute little curl in it, I could forget about the fact that our hands are smaller than our noses!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Our biggest problem ... Every time they hit the 'Colon' key they defecate!"

REX said...

"Where DID you think SPAM came from?"

Don Don said...

"They know they are dead but every day they show up for work."

Anonymous said...

"Their purpose is to make sure we don't run out of wind up keys."

NJ-to-TX said...

"They all look alike?"

Anonymous said...

"Yup, they defecate right in their chairs as if they're playing slots at a casino."

Anonymous said...

"The best part is mid management is now scared shitless."

Anonymous said...

How many swastikas can you count in this blatantly anti-semitic cartoon published by the "racist" New Yorker?

Anonymous said...

"Jew eat yet? The commissary's whipped up some pig's knuckles with bacon bits in a nice reduction sauce."

Anonymous said...

"You should see him go when I put my big crank in him."

Jim Cavanaugh

Satireguy said...

"Our employees are a bit wound up."

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