New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #353

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"The hours here are obscene."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See? They are screwing in a work place which is why the hours there are obscene. So, here we have a rare verbatim use of a classic Anti-Cap inserted in a manner that is actually a nice tight fit. Tim put very little thought into this, which is why it is so fucking good. [puns intended] )

SECOND PLACE
Eventually, Ben was able to settle into his job as a quality control engineer at Real Doll, Inc.--smuck

(JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is, in fact, a company by that name that claims tomake "the finest silicone dolls in the world.” (See photo. Now do you believe them?) Ben is testing one. Got it. I thought maybe I should get one for the car so I can drive in the HOV lane without getting a ticket. That way Mrs. alinla can use it (her?) too.  

THIRD PLACE

“Well, at least the Dow is up.”
---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could win the real contest. But it also happens to be true. So why are all these Wall Streeters against Barry? Maybe they don't like basketball.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Governor, you're no Jack Kennedy."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Say what you will about Mitt Romney -- he's a duplicitous power hungry lying douche bag who would make a disastrous president, for example – but I don't think he screws around on his wife. Even so, I'll take horn dogs like JFK and, of course, Bill Clinton over someone who will fuck the non-rich.)

After the first debate Mitt celebrates by trying to do to Ann what he wants to do to 47% of the electorate. His staff is left to explain why he's not the man he used to be.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ironically, it was a Bush that screwed everything up.)

"That was wonderful, Mitt. Maybe after they count the votes you can do it to 99% of the country."

--Ann (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a perfect world, after the count, Romney will call the President to concede. He'll then return to France where he'll spend the rest of his life going door-to-door trying to get people to stop drinking wine and convert to Mormonism. Soon after, a Taco Bell will open down the block from where we live. That's in a perfect world.)

"The accountants and marketers have drained every drop of fun out of a porn shoot."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The 1997 film “Boggie Nights” was on last night. Made me wonder how anyone could do it with so many people watching. [I feel weird if the TV's on] Still, if they did drain every drop, at lease the director would be happy.

"Well ... You did say you wanted a 'Firm Mattress'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And no doubt the box spring is included for free!...Okay, my pun is not as good. I admit that.

"Oh, thank God it was all a dream! I thought I was being held captive in a New Yorker Anti-Capton Contest!"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worse, the guy next to you was named Tim. But it was just a dream. Y ou're okay now.)

"You're not getting laid because the fluffer was laid ... off."—NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMENT: In the porn business a fluffer is like a coach who pitches batting practice. I once say a bleached blonde with too much make up driving a new Lexus convertible. Her vanity license plate said “I [heart] 2 fluff” This told me two things: It pays well and the people at the DMV are clueless.)

"Christ, what an unmitigated asshole you are. Mitt."--mel (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In keeping with the sexually nature of the image, this made me think that “Mitt” would be a good name for someone who likes it in the butt [Because he'd rather catch than pitch. Get it?] P.S.: Not that there's anything wrong with that. )

"It felt silly, you crazy bastard. How are you?"--Trixie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not really a compliment but I guess “silly” is better than “shitty.” Anyway a classic is a classic.”

"I don't think he was pissed off, and I don't think he just didn't feel like judging it. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Stupid? Busy, indifferent, uninspired, preoccupied with paying jobs—maybe. But NOT judging the Anti-Cap is to stupid what entering a Anti-Cap is to brilliant.)

"I don't think they're leaving until you get out of bed and judge the contest, al."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Than can someone at least get me a cheeseburger and a cold Heineken—maybe a bag of chips?)

Wake up, alinla! Wake up!--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Done and done!)