New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #354

NOTE: Having lagged so far behind, I tried to play catch up. I completed two contests in a single day--but with other obligations to tend to and my head about to explode, I asked Mrs. al in la to step in. She graciously agreed to select the winners and add her two cents. She is the only one in the world I would trust with this scared duty and, more importantly  the only one who would agree to do it. [There was a trade-off but that's our business.] Thank you my love.--al in la)  

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Now drop your shorts ... Cough ... And we'll check out your 'Penis Fly Trap'!"--Dr Sumguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: My husband may argue otherwise, but I'm among those who believe that puns are the lowest form of humor and, yes, I maintain that sarcasm is the grumy man's wit. Hope this gives you a heads up on how the selections for this contest will go. Besides, compared to my husband, I know dick about Dylan [and I know a lot about Dylan]. So if I missed any cute little insider thingie that Al would have known, then you may be disappointed. Try again, he'll be back soon--and all will be right with in the Anti-Cap world. Unless Barry loses, in which you'll likely find us both curled up in fetal positions.)

SECOND PLACE

"Lemme guess. You're a big fan of Robert Plant? Right? Am I right??"--Anonymouse (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: I saw Led Zeppelin in 1972. And yes, I remember the show. LSD doesn't screw with memory. Now, don't ask me to tell you about Black Sabbath [saw them in 1972 as well. Not much to do in Tucson, Arizona back then] cuz that show I only have an old ticket stub to prove I was there, but before whatever it was I took kicked in I clearly remember that YES was the opening act and I have remain a loyal fan some 40 freakin' years later. Old hippies never die, we just wax nostalgia for past concerts we've seen—or believe we've seen.)

THIRD PLACE

"Don't get too excited, you'll soil yourself."--Utellme (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: I laughed, I cried, I was tired and wanted to go to bed. Sometimes a choice is as simple as that.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Christ, what a knothole!"--Dex (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: And in the long standing tradition of Anti Caption classics here is this week's “winner” because, frankly I'm sick of Mr. Bond, clip-on parrots and hours of any kind—obscene or otherwise. There I said it!)

"I'm afraid you have 'Aphids'! I'm going to prescribe 'Ladybugs'!"--Dr Sumguy licensened in Borneo (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Our 21 month-old granddaughter loves ladybugs [and no matter how many you've seen A Bug's Life, trust me she's seen it more.] I feel this is a fair pick cuz if Al can have his Dylan rule, I can have a Granddaughter rule. Nuff said.)

"Hey, maybe you know. Why are they called the Toronto Maple Leafs instead of Maple Leaves ?"--Anonymouse (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Welcome to my world! Married to an editor who, for reasons I can't explain, thinks ice hockey is an important sport. Go figure [skate].)

"I hope you have plenty of sick leave."--Kathy H (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: She and her links are here nearly every week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.)

"Your chart has a typo. It says Leif Ericson."--Kathy H (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: And Kathy scores back-to-back! Wish I could say the same for the Lakers. Less then 100 days until pitchers and catchers.[By the way: It's a mixed marriage--he loves that N.Y. team that's not the Yankees, and I bleed Dodger blue. Somehow we make it work.] )

"No you can't see my bush. You know I am a lesbian, right?"--Jess (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: What is it with men and Lesbians? Even the crew-cut butch ones.)

Under Obamacare, your saplings are covered until their 26th growth ring--boneguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Then vote for Barry! Like many of you who need health care, I'm too young to be old and too old to be young!)

"I don't treat the uninsured, but if you go back to your apartment and wait until you're on the verge of death, we'll send over an ambulance and take you to the emergency room."
--Mitt For Brains (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: If you vote for Mittens, you don't want me to come to your house a few years from now and explain why you fucked up. Trust me.)

"Clip on Leaves, Spotted Boxer Shorts ... So you wanted everyone to know ... You ran the 'Bay to Breakers', in a record (for you) of 46:81!"--Dr Sumguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: The annual footrace in San Francisco is actually 7.46 miles. Runners wear costumes and because it's San Fran there are varying degrees of nudity. I don't get the “46:81” reference, but hey, I knew about the friggin race. Props for the Mrs!)

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a gardener!"--Bones (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Ah, a boomer cap! And I know there is a generation of folks who love and know Star Trek lines [like certain husbands who endlessly quote The Godfather]. But for those of us who watched the show's first airings, it's a badge of honor. And we have a secret club. Don't tell Shatter though. He's a bit of a dick.)

"Cosmetic surgery won't make people like you, Mr. Cilantro."--Damon (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Second only to flys and Tea Baggers, I will never understand why this awful weed exists. My daughter says you're either born with the “cilantro gene” or you're not. All I know is I don't need a gene to know what tastes like shit.)

"Drink lots of water and if you see any dogs, keep moving."--Don Jr. (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Don has had better entries in past contests, but truth be told, he's my baby brother so this pick is blatant nepotism. Deal with it. And Don, step it up a bit, nepotism gets you only so far. And the fact that Al's favorite Anti-Capper, JohnnyB, was ignored in favor of your cap, well, we'll all have to live with that.)

"Take two aspens and call me in the morning."
--Jim Cavanaugh (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: See pun explanation. And, Jim, you too could step it up a bit.)

"I suggest you cut back on the medical marijuana a touch."--Satireguy (MRS. al in la's COMMENT: Don't joke like that. Ever. Okay? Now what was I saying?)