WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"Under
Obamacare this is what I get as generic Ambien."--Shelly
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Stupid but it makes its point. There have been countless
ill-informed assessments of the Patient
Protection and Affordable Care Act which, of course is never referred
to by its actual name. If Romney gets in [science forbid] we can call
his plan the Insurance Company Profit Protection Act. Also, generic
Ambien is pretty inexpensive. At Costco, 30 pills go for about $8.
Take one and wash it down with a glass of wine. You'll sleep.)
SECOND
PLACE
"NYU
frat party."--Steve_O
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Frat party,
sure, but why pick on NYU? Why not _______ [fill in name of school
you hate—everyone has one]. Also, so long as there are keg parties attended by freshman co-eds, there will be no need
for frat guys to do ewes.)
THIRD
PLACE
"Pa
and me done reckon a town big enough to have 5 burros is pert nar big
enough to have 5 sheep."--Billy-Bob
Knob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice word play. You'd be amazed how many
Californians can't name all five of NYC's boroughs. I once spoke with
a guy who insisted the Statue of Liberty was on Staten Island. When I
politely told that I lived on S.I. for over 25 years and that the Ms.
Liberty could be found on Liberty Island. He said, “I'm pretty sure
you're mistaken.” I let it drop.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"They
said they haven't had sex acts with sheep in Times Square since
Dinkins."--NJ-to-TX
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Once again the target is all wrong. Even in it's hey day,
the abundance of sexual decadence available in Times Sq. did not
include non-human sex acts—there was never any need.)
If
I show them a few sites, some asshole chef can put "locally
sourced" on his menu.--boneguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: No doubt, by
“asshole chef” you mean shrewd business man who is not adverse to
taking advantage of assholes. Fun Fact: When he was running for VP,
Dan Quayle’s bio said he was a “Viet Nam-era veteran.” It was
based on his brief stent in the Indiana National Guard at a time when
non-rich kids were dying in South East Asia. So technically he was deceiving but not lying.)
"We
have to take the subway because of Bah-mageddon."--Damon
(JUDGE'S COMMENT:
Here in L.A. “carmageddon” is the term used to describe the
weekend closing of a highway [they call them “freeways” here for
some reason]. Even worst, they won't let bikes or skateboards use
the abandoned road because the cops here total control freaks.)
Come
and meet those dancing sheep
On
the avenue I'm taking you to
Forty-Second
Street
Here
to seek, Little Bo Peep
It's
the flock I love the sheer shock of
Forty-Second
Street.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Our research department tells me this is the first poem ever
submitted by JohnnyB. Once again allow me to damn you with faint
phrase: It's not your worse caption, not even close.)
The
Taking of Sheepshead Bay 1 2 3!--Dr
Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There
is a section of Brooklyn called Sheepshead Bay. I always found that
gross. And, movie-wise, the original was better than the sequel, if
you ask me.)
Please
do not refer to them as "sheep". They prefer "Fox News
viewers"--boneguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is an insult to sheep. Besides, loyal Fox News
viewers are more like a cross between rabid dogs and fungus.)
"Don't
say I never warned you when your train gets lost, Bo Peep."--NJ-to-TX
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Just remember this: If I don't make it, I know my baby will.)
“My
name is Sam. I cowrote "Brownsville Girl."--Angus
Podgorny (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: The author/actor Sam Shepard
did in fact help write that epic 11-minute song which is included on
Dylan's 1986 album Knocked Out Loaded. In 1978, he also appeared in
the classic four-hour film Renaldo andClara. For the last the time
people, don't try to out-Dylan me!)
No,
Mr. Baaaaahnd, I expect you to dye."--C.
Woolery (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
Actually, this is not terrible.)
"Don't
mind us folks. We're just in from--London."--Kathy
H (
The link takes us to a news story with the headline ANIMALS SUSPECTED
IN SPREAD OF NEW VIRUS. Remarkably the story does not include quotes
from any animals other that humans. That's bias journalism if you ask
me—and believe it or not I was once employed as an editor.)
The Taking of Sheepshead Bay 1 2 3!
ReplyDelete"I'm missing the 'Sheriff's Girl'!"
ReplyDeleteHow do I get to the garment district?
ReplyDelete"They said they haven't had sex acts with sheep in Times Square since Dinkins."
ReplyDelete"They're toilet trained all right. Watch."
ReplyDeleteThey're looking for someone called Mary.
ReplyDeleteIf I show them a few sites, some asshole chef can put "locally sourced" on his menu.
ReplyDeleteThey're headed uptown to hang with some black sheep.
ReplyDelete"Oh, is this car full? We'll take the next one."
ReplyDelete"Hey, you gals want to party?"
ReplyDelete"Would you believe ... I ordered a 'Subway Lamb', and ......
ReplyDelete"NO ROOM! ... Well I'll be Flocked!"
ReplyDelete"SILENCE ........... lambs cover your ears!"
ReplyDeleteCome and meet those dancing sheep,
ReplyDeleteOn the avenue I'm taking you to,
Forty-Second Street.
Here to seek, Little Bo Peep,
It's the flock I love the sheer shock of,
Forty-Second Street.
"YEAH ... And 'Baa-Ram-Ewe' you too!"
ReplyDeletePlease do not refer to them as "sheep". They prefer "Fox News viewers".
ReplyDelete"Lady, you're living in the Twentieth Century. Our marriage has been legal in New York since 2021."
ReplyDelete"Because the sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick."
ReplyDelete"Under Obamacare this is what I get as generic Ambien."
ReplyDelete"I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis."
ReplyDelete"If any y'all is lactating, we'd be happy to take the next train."
ReplyDelete"Stop me if you've herd this before."
ReplyDelete"Hey, can one of you guys drop them off at the Fordham Rd. stop?"
ReplyDelete"Hey. I'm just a shepherd-in-training."
ReplyDelete"I said shepherd-in-training."
ReplyDelete"Don't say I never warned you when your train gets lost, Bo Peep."
ReplyDeleteMy name is Sam. I cowrote "Brownsville Girl."
ReplyDeleteIs this the Rock Island Line? I've got all livestock.
ReplyDelete"Sheep and all aspects of comedy go hand in hand".
ReplyDelete"Is it that they're sheep, or that they're all draining my spunk?"
ReplyDelete"I'm taking my sheep to Citi Field's Bark in the Park 'cause I taught them all to bark. Y'know, like dogs."
ReplyDelete"No, Mr. Baaaaahnd, I expect you to dye."
ReplyDelete"When I say, 'Does the downtown subway run all night?' you say, 'Doo-dah! doo-dah!'"
ReplyDeleteAfter I laminated my t-pass all hell broke loose
ReplyDeleteI know woolite will take care of the jizz stains, but what about the DNA
ReplyDeleteDidn't you read that sheep futures are worth shit in today's Wool Street Journal?
ReplyDeleteShepherd: "Fresh condoms! Get your fresh condoms here!"
ReplyDeletePolice Officer: "Sir, I can only assume that, by `fresh condoms', you mean to slaughter these sheep for their skin. You can't do that within city limits."
Shepherd: "...tampons! Fresh tampons!"
"Where's the Subway? No! The SUBway!"
ReplyDelete"Lassie, come home!"
ReplyDelete"We're trying to find the 'Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask II' auditions."
ReplyDelete"Thre're from the cast of '42nd Street, the Ungulates' ... Music by George Shearing ... Lyrics by Hannibal Lecter!"
ReplyDelete"Mutton, honey."
ReplyDelete"Merino...Dan Merino, and we're in a five wide spread."
ReplyDeleteThey're enjoying their last few hours of leave before deployment to Afghan.
ReplyDelete"Is the Meadowlands pasture stop?"
ReplyDelete"Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. A kid'll eat ivy, too. Wouldn't you?"
ReplyDeleteDon't mind the sheep. They are their way to redeeming a Groupon for a racquet string factory tour.
ReplyDeleteMarzydoats and dozzydoats and little lamzydivey, a kiddlee divey doo, wooden shoe.
ReplyDelete"Does this train have a bah car?"
ReplyDelete"It is amazing how filthy rich they are and how little they get out".
ReplyDelete"But we came all this way! Are you sure? Shari Lewis is dead?"
ReplyDelete"La vÃa del tren subterráneo es peligrosa."
ReplyDelete"Your safety is important to us. Please stand clear, of the ovine feces, as trains enter, and leave, the station....Your safety is important to us. Please stand clear, of the ovine feces, as trains enter, and leave, the station... Your safety is im..."
ReplyDelete"Tell the black ones to get off in Harlem."
ReplyDeleteSeamus used to take them at the clifffs in Glasgow. I'm gonna "Seamus" all over the platform, I said!
ReplyDelete"Pa and me done reckon a town big enough to have 5 burros is pert nar big enough to have 5 sheep."
ReplyDeleteJohnny B is telling his age.
ReplyDelete"My rod and my staff, they comfort me."
ReplyDelete"The sign says 'no spitting.' Is says nothing about defecating and urinating."
ReplyDeleteI told you this town is shear madness.
ReplyDelete"Don't mind us folks. We're just in from London."
ReplyDelete"I said Peep. Bo Peep. Anyone? No?"
ReplyDelete"I thought I was buying The Cheap Guide to New York."
ReplyDelete"Can I interest you in a seven-way?"
ReplyDelete"...then the little girl answers, 'Does my mother having sex with sheep bother me? Naaaaaaaaah'..."
ReplyDeleteEveryone please make room for the Cultural Affairs Section of the Australian UN delegation.
ReplyDelete"These are 'Dacron' producing sheep ... Originally conceived by mating Poly with Ester ... Now used in making Crash Dummies for the Dodge Ram!"
ReplyDelete"We have to take the subway because of Bah-mageddon."
ReplyDelete"Move the damn train! I'm cooking mutton on the third rail."
ReplyDelete"Is that the 2? They all have to go #2."
ReplyDelete"Hello Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly ......!"
ReplyDelete“Shepherd’s Bush? No, that’s on the Central Line. But thanks for the offer.”
ReplyDelete---left coast wayne
"NYU frat party."
ReplyDelete"Hurry up! After Big Bird, Romney's coming after Little Sheep!"
ReplyDelete"Where are the black sheep? They got off in Harlem."
ReplyDelete"Google me at sheeptickets.com."
ReplyDelete"We're on our way to the groomer's; they're infested with fleece."
ReplyDelete"I had a slight misunderstanding with my client about what type of voter they wanted".
ReplyDelete"What are the chances of me -- a shepherd -- coming down to the subway and bumping into a flock of sheep?"
ReplyDelete"Excuse me, but Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly and Dolly here have to get to a funeral right quick."
ReplyDelete"Does this train stop at Shepherd Avenue?"
ReplyDelete"Yes, they are Yankee fans. Why do you ask?"
ReplyDelete"Once again an important nationally- televised debate ignored the growing problem of lack of proper sheep transportation options! Why?!"
ReplyDelete"Do I take the M train or the J train if I'm looking for mint jelly?"
ReplyDelete"I am taking them to the slaughter house or the Romney campaign head quarter, either one."
ReplyDelete"I am their pimp".
ReplyDelete"Hey! No fair everyone knows that Alinla is a Mets fan."
ReplyDelete"Waited and waited for Al to do the 4-H sheep judging. Then finally said fuck it, lets all go to New York and hang out in Times Square."
ReplyDeleteBacked Up!? http://www.rotorooter.com/
ReplyDelete"Ha Ha, Shepard Fairey—that's a good one. Double mastectomy?"
ReplyDelete
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