Monday, December 26, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #316





WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
After a long ride, this friar could use some Tucks. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again boneguy over thinks this shit and backs into the winner's circle. Here we have a painful (and annoyingly itchy) pun, gross imagery and a relatively obscure reference. For those just joining us: This is how to do an Anti-Cap. )
SECOND PLACE"I hear Mexican hell is just like this, but with Kryptonite locks." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually Mexican hell is a hot dusty place with sticky sidewalks, very young kids begging, rampant crime and, even worst, A Hard Rock Cafe--the locals call this place "Tijuana." )
THIRD PLACEWhat the fuck; we're supposed to have wings. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Johnny seldom unleashes the F-bomb. When Lenny Bruce did it he risked arrest AND was funny. [You get my drift, J.B.?])
HONORABLE MENTIONS"Well, Schwinn did promise us chains. " --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was briefly pegged as the top winner but on refection I feared people would think I was just being passive aggressive.)



"Oh, here comes Bil Keane. Just ignore him." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not a chance. I take no satisfaction from his passing, but I assumed Family Circus would perrish with him. No luck. Calvin and Hobbs (1985-1995) is gone even though its brillant creator Bill Waterson, age 54. is very much alive. In an 2010 interview he said: "It's always better to leave the party early. I think some of the reason Calvin and Hobbes still finds an audience today is because I chose not to run the wheels off it." God bless you Bill with two "l's"!)


"I didn't expect heaven to look like Katie Couric's colon."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not to be gross but to certain microorganisms that type of environment IS heaven. True story: I once met Katie at a press event for colon cancer prevention. [it's what claimed her husband.] Remember: regular testing saves lives.)
Christ, what an asshole we seem to be inside of. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to a classic using the same ill advised imagery as the previous entry.)
"So we both molested little boys, and that's it? Our 'punishment' is having to ride in crappy sandals?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Perhaps you'll meet other bikers along the way--bikers who themselves where molested.)
give it up judas , everyone knows your halo is a clip-on --not jesus (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And what if he runs into one of the other apostles? Talk about awkward. Another classic nod.)
That long white cloud is goin' down I feel like I'm cyclin' on heaven's floor. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Saw a documentary on Billy the Kid. Turns out he was only 5' 3". Kris Kristofferson, who played him in the 1973 film Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid, is 5' 10." Bob Dylan, who recorded the music and had a bit part as a character named Alias, is 5' 6." He would have been a better choice considering that the movie sucked anyway, except the sound track, which is where the song referenced here can be found.)
"Cool, no helmet law . . . even though that's how I got here."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And yet you still think the absense of these sensible laws is somehow cool.)
Happy New Year, Al. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why would an angel on a bicycle in heaven say this?)
"You al's dad? I'm Hitch, and I'm just as shocked as you are."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for the nod. Two smart men but in very different ways.)
"This week's caption contest is a chalk outline on a psychiatrists couch. I think the psychiatrist says something like, 'Hey Al in LA, are you dead?' Ha, ha, you know, because he hasn't updated his site yet - maybe he's dead."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Dead is as dead does, Mr. Anonymous. Sorry I skipped a contest. Here's your winner: "Why so quiet today?" )
Re the comment above about alinla's possibly being dead ("Maybe he's dead."): Thirty years ago, Madden Ann Madden, the editor of the (almost) weekly New York Magazine Competition compiled some of the best entries to her contest into a book entitled Maybe He's Dead. So, maybe she was some sort of Nostradamus. Or something. --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yawn. What's far more interesting is that the woman's first name was the same as her last. And please Tim, is wasn't HER contest, it's ours.)

118 comments:

Blonde said...

Dirt nap bikers!

Blonde said...

When you said you wanted to go "off road biking" this wasn't what I imagined-.

Damon said...

"Duh! Schwinning!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm Anti-Halo Helmet! We're already dead!"

Richard H said...

"It's amazing what you can do in the cloud these days"

JohnnyB said...

What the fuck; we're supposed to have wings.

David Macharelli said...

"You'd think that earning our way into heaven would come with a decent metabolism, but even here, God's a dick."

JohnnyB said...

That Jew, Jesus, refuses to buy oil from the Muslim Heaven.

Anonymous said...

"I didn't expect heaven to look like Katie Couric's colon."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"You al's dad? I'm Hitch, and I'm just as shocked as you are."

Jim Cavanaugh

Satireguy said...

"Frankly, I'd rather be driving a Hummer in hell."

Glenn said...

"So we both molested little boys, and that's it? Our 'punishment' is having to ride in crappy sandals?"

Tim H said...

"Oh, here comes Bil Keane. Just ignore him."

Anonymouse said...

"Yeah, I like scratching my butt, too."

Glenn said...

"I can't wait to get my wings. I'm really getting tired of riding back and forth on this guy's colon."

Glenn said...

"I can't wait to get my wings. I'm really getting tired of riding back and forth on this guy's colon."

David Macharelli said...

"I say fuck Clarence and his superior new winged friends!"

boneguy said...

Was it too much to expect that when I died the Porsche would come with me?

Dr Sumguy said...

"Is that a banana under your Cossack, or are you glad to see me!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Personally, I had better luck with a puppy!"

Dr Sumguy said...

(After years of monk enforced silence).... And Another Thing!

Damon said...

"I hear Mexican hell is just like this, but with Kryptonite locks."

Glenn said...

"We can't ride in these robes. Wanna get naked and ride tandem? I have some chain lube."

Anonymous said...

Christ, what an asshole we seem to be inside of.

Dr Sumguy said...

"My ass is killing me! How about we exchange your halo, for a donut cushion!"

Blonde said...

Typical!! Ed's lost in the clouds again!!!

Dr Sumguy said...

"How much for Rock Hudson's bicycle seat?"

Damon said...

"I checked with God - it was the sodomy. Everyone else gets Harleys."

boneguy said...

Since I took up biking, I had to ditch the fuck me pumps.

boneguy said...

I just saw Rock Hudson. Let me tell you, his rectum's gone to hell.

Blonde said...

Sooo dio ya think calling our biking club "Hell on Wheels" is a tad over the top ???

Glenn said...

"My Livestrong bracelet from Lance obviously didn't work. And where are we supposed to get our performance enhancing drugs?"

Blonde said...

Heaven my ass! - you think at a minimum they'd give you a padded bicycle seat!!!

Dr Sumguy said...

"Is that a seat post under your cassock, or are glad to see me!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Is that a Cossack under your cassock, or are you glad to see me!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Purgatory? One click down the road, and then take a left on Everlasting Damnation!"

Anonymous said...

"The wheel...is on...my FOOT!!"

Estragon said...

"What the hell are we doing Vlad, waiting for Godot?"

Satireguy said...

"I wonder what it's like in BMW heaven?"

Glenn said...

"I'd be in absolute heaven if I could only take a leak right now."

boneguy said...

Forget the party on cloud 9. They're only serving virgin bloody Marys.

Anonymous said...

"I know we have the spare tubes up there, but what about a pump?"

Anonymous said...

"We'd be a lot cooler if Gahan Wilson drew us."

Blonde said...

Yeah Yeah! The halo and robe are OK but where the hell is the yellow jacket?

Dr Sumguy said...

"I just found out our halos are fake! Their actually small Papa Johns Pizza's, supported by tiny wires imbedded in our corpus cavernosae! No wonder every time I get excited, my halo does a Heil Hitler! ... whew!

Dr Sumguy said...

corpi

Dr Sumguy said...

"As a former Hell's Angel, I used to hide my meth in the Harley crankcase ... hence ... Crank! Now it's under the seat. Care to try some ... Stank!

Dr Sumguy said...

I know. I know. Shoulda stayed with MY corpus cavernosum.

Shelly said...

"Kind of like Prince Charles with Camilla, I dreamt of being reincarnated as LiLo's tampon. I just didn't know it would be so rough and dry in here."

Austin said...

Nice lugie. Ten bucks I can hit him with a snot rocket, too.

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"C'mon Saul, admit it. Joining Biker Jews for Jesus saved your tokhes."

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"Quite frankly it makes St. Peter a little numb."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I need a lawyer! Last nite, smog abatement cited me for nocturnal emissions!" ... (I know, there no lawyers in heaven).

Dex said...

"I kicked the butts of a couple of Mormon guys to get these."

Anonymous said...

“I prayed for this day . . . but then, you’re no Katherine Ross and I guess I’m no Paul Newman . . . well, it is about to rain, though.”


---RR

Anonymous said...

“’Sons of Anarchy’? I don’t think so. Someone got their wires crossed.”


---blw

Satireguy said...

"Shit, you didn't get a bell either."

Satireguy said...

"I was kinda hoping for a used girl's bicycle."

smuck said...

"The salesman said this hybrid bike would be good on both cumulus and cirrus clouds. But it just fucking sucks everywhere."

Anonymous said...

"All the derailleurs went to hell."

smuck said...

"Well, Schwinn did promise us chains. "

not jesus said...

give it up judas , everyone knows your halo is a clip-on

Anonymous said...

"Shwinng!"

boneguy said...

Let's hit the party on Cloud 9. I hear they're serving bloody Virgin Marys.

Kathy H said...

Halo, everybody, halo. Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair. So, halo, everybody, halo!

Dr Sumguy said...

"This adhesive sucks! Next time I'm going to use toupee clips!"

Anonymous said...

"I was eaten by a green giant, and he wasn't the least bit jolly."

Austin said...

So I told my wife, "over my dead body." She always had to have the last word.

Anonymous said...

"Cool, no helmet law . . . even though that's how I got here."


---blw

boneguy said...

After a long ride, this friar could use some Tucks.

Sarah said...

"Occupy Heaven sucks."

Dr Sumguy said...

"As a cartoon character, I'm conflicted between the Privacy and Freedom of Information Acts!"

JohnnyB said...

Happy New Year, Al.

Sam A. said...

"Look, just shut up and start popping wheelies. God loves wheelies."

Rich Lather said...

"Holy shit! is that a Bowman Mantle rookie card in your spokes?"

Jagger said...

"Hey, hey, Hugh, Hugh, get off of McCloud's bike"

Anonymous said...

This is how we holy-roll.

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"Last month they gave us camels, and mine had a vapor lock!"

ABBaybe Grown said...

Im a little concerned about riding this Huffy in sandals. rwmember Tisha's toe....

Steve_O said...

"If I had known that this was my reward, I would have just let that George Bailey fucker drown."

R. Barrick said...

"Dude, I hit that altocumulus full speed and was all like errrrrr-sproioioing, and like totally raunched my balls and went all kerrplooooge fuckin' endo, total hedder. I'd be hella fuckin dead if I wasn't dead."

R. Barrick said...

"Dude, I hit that altocumulus full speed and was all like errrrrr-sproioioing, and like totally raunched my balls and went all kerrplooooge fuckin' endo, total hedder. I'd be hella fuckin dead if I wasn't dead."

stcoleridge said...

"We must be God's messengers; these are fixed gear bikes."

Glenn said...

"None? Anywhere? But where can I get a venti nonfat caramel iced macchiato with whipped cream and nutmeg??"

Cub Shlub said...

As classic a case of penis envy as I’ve ever seen

Anonymous said...

"This week's caption contest is a chalk outline on a psychiatrists couch. I think the psychiatrist says something like, 'Hey Al in LA, are you dead?' Ha, ha, you know, because he hasn't updated his site yet - maybe he's dead."

Clyde said...

"Oh, it's not a bike. This is my Grandpa. Heaven's weird like that."

Tim H said...

Re the comment above about alinla's possibly being dead ("Maybe he's dead."): Thirty years ago, Madden Ann Madden, the editor of the (almost) weekly New York Magazine Competition compiled some of the best entries to her contest into a book entitled Maybe He's Dead. So, maybe she was some sort of Nostradamus. Or something.

Eric G said...

That long white cloud is goin' down
I feel like I'm cyclin' on heaven's floor.

Pearl E. Gates said...

"I can't explain it either!? Back on earth, I was an anti-caption contest."

JohnnyB said...

Zuzu's pedals!

Dr Sumguy said...

"Hi! My name is Al. OSHA sent me to personally inspect this cartoon site!"

David Macharelli said...

"I don't get it. Are we Franciscans? Angels? How are these wheels staying up with no spokes?"

Anonymous said...

Listen guys, I know there are people who will argue the point but I can't see with what basis, Bob Dylan is WAY, WAY overrated and honestly has zero talent.

I have never owned a single record of his, as a kid or now. Not until Friday that is. My brother-in-law bought me a book with VH1's 100 greatest albums of time. I have became a "student" of the music and have really enjoyed it. I am buying some albums that I would have never owned if not for this book and it has really opened my eyes. Well Friday on the way home from work I picked up Aretha Franklins "Lady Soul" and Bob Dylans "Highway 61 Revisited". I have never bought much other than rock, both vintage and heavy, blues and country. Both these cds were out of my usual listening quite far. Lady Soul is an absolute joy, what a genius she is vocally and as an entertainer.

Dylan, holy moly, that cd is CRAP, I mean CA-RAP. What in the living hell do people see in this guy? Like I said, I am looking at this stuff as a student. No preconceived opinion, just show me what you have and I will enjoy with new eyes. I just can't believe this no talent bum has gotten the respect he has. First, he was on acid when he wrote it, he was on acid when he recorded it, and you need to be on acid to "see" something in the rambling nonsense he mumbles throughout the song. I really believe he adlibed the entire album! The guys on "Whos line is it anyway" do a better job than this clown!

Now, I am no educated intellect, but I am a thinker. I can listen to just about any complex concept and get it after a while. This dribble is just trash. I don't think it is that I don't have the intellect to understand it. I think it is that I have the honestly to admit it is CRAP.

I think what happened was some "guru" of the day like Andy Warhol or Wavy Gravy was on an acid trip heard Dylan and in his hallucinogenic state "heard" something meaninful in the gobbily gook that was falling out of Dylans mouth. Then he told everyone how wonderful Dylan was and you would feel stupid if you disagreed. That is the only way I can figure that this guy got to be known as the "great poet".

If you can enlighten me,al, please do. Pick a song, any song in this album and just translate it to normal english, that would be a good starter.

smuck said...

'Do I want to go for a bike ride with you? Why not, Bil Keane?'

Mike Cr. said...

Hey Anonymous, Go Fuck Yourself. Keep your meaningless opinion to yourself, especially in light of our unpaid moderator/judge being a huge Dylan fan. You're going out of your way to be a dick. Go do it elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

You don't get it, do you Mike Cr? I'm just trying to figure out if al is still alive...or a least available.

M. Cr said...

Anonymous, my apologies if your Dylan email was simply a decent-natured taunt designed to wake up our holiday al. Nobody messes with alinla!

As for Dylan, he's more of less the first rapper, just slower. Stream of consciousness, statement on the Time. As for songs, try I Want You, Not Dark Yet, or Like a Rolling Stone (the obvious). That's my meaningless opinion.

Anonymous said...

No harm, no foul, M Cr. I actually love Dylan and just googled some quote from an obnoxious source to hopefully get al back with the program. I could have worked over the Mets instead, and it's still a bit strange that he hasn't at least posted this week's fantastic DD cartoon.

Anonymous said...

"Are you following the Dylan debate down there??? It certainly beats the hell out of the current Republican efforts at meaningful dialogue . . ."


---left coast wayne

JohnnyB said...

Hi, Hitch.
Hi, Al.

Steve_O said...

"So you're saying it's a depressing line of work, but that nothing else is open to a chalk outline...Wait! What the fuck!!? Are we STILL in last week's cartoon???"

Anonymous said...

"It's more enjoyable to ride when you take the seat off and ride the stump. And, yes, I learned that in seminary school."

Anonymous said...

"T.A.Wincheler Name Plates Ltd., Greg speaking."

Anonymous said...

"With this damned robe, I've learned to ride side saddle. Actually, I kind of like it . . ."


---blw

Damon said...

"All I'm saying is that the longer we wait, the more distance we'll eventually have to make up. [looks towards fourth wall] How true that is."

Anonymous said...

Theory #1

He watched the 60 Minutes segment on Alex Hannold and said, "Shit! I can do that."

Suzanna L. said...

I heard if you give him a fruit basket and a hug, all is forgiven and you get wings, too.

Anonymous said...

What are they gonna say about him? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans, man? That he had wisdom? Bullshit, man!

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

I hear Hell's Angels get Harleys.

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

Ken L said...

I heard that the top ten finishers in the Tour de Heaven get their wings automatically.

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