RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #244

Note: The caps entered for this contest could be divided into a few basic categories. Apart from the predictable sex and carnage jokes, there were plenty of alligator and crocodile puns. A few people took a swipe at that sacred cow, BP, some mocked the cartoonist (rightly so) and others mocked me (which really hurts).
Sadly, few of these entries were particularly interesting, disgusting, preverted or thought-provoking; and fewer still were amusing. Also, I feel obligated to note that the five-cap-per-person limit was widely flouted, as was the 25-word limit on each cap.
Like a bouncer at a biker bar, I know better than to make a big deal out of small shit. Just know that I know. I should add that I am frequently impressed my the way people reach deep and wide to find something--ANYTHING!-- to throw on the stack. There even people who waste their time are thoughtful enough to add links to their caps or use big words no one has ever heard of. So, I applaud the effort, if not the end result.
Moving forward, I'd like to encourage people to enter caps that other people may find slightly interesting. Keep them short and if you enter more than five caps I may seriously consider deleting your entry and blocking your ass another strongly worded admonishment. You never know with me.
Here are this week's winners and my two-cents. Leave a comment that demonstrates your appreciate, indifference or command of grammer.

WINNER

"I think now she's right about here. Sorry about bringing him in on 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day'."-- LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT Gruesome yet slightly topical. This really works if you imagine it being spoken by Fester [pictured right] from the old New Yorker cartoon "The Addams Family." Not the first time a naive kid got eaten alive in an office setting, so there's also a cautionary tale here.)

SECOND PLACE
"Don't be naive, Barbara."--Mike Mariano (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short, dumb, vague and somehow completely appropriate. This is also something publishers say when editors ask if they can run something that may piss off an advertiser. Also, I think Mike is new to the contest so I want to juice his interest. Congratulations Mike! )


HONORABLE MENTIONS
"He ate the dog that ate my winning lottery ticket."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT Granted, there is humor, irony and bad taste here, but this cap would work better if the guy was holding a letter opener or a chain saw or something. Maybe he is waiting for the dog to pass through the gator, [which of course would create a whole new meaning for the term "dog shit."] )

It's not what it looks like.-- mort drucker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It looks like a guy fondling an alligator but denying the obvious is essential to the human condition. Made me laugh.)

"Don't think of it as losing your cat on Bring-Your-Pet-To-Work-Day. Think of it as the day you finally found someone to eat your pussy...What? Too soon?"-- NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Similar to this week's winner, but the first part is clunky. I like the "What? Too soon? " but the cap was already over the 25-word limit before it got there. The pussy pun is juvenile but not necessarily tasteless--if you get my drift.)

"He's napping now, but this one's a leader -- spirited, religious -- and we can totally revamp his throwing motion before the season starts. Did I mention that he's a quick study?"-- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I like the out of the box approach even if it makes no sense. The Mets just completed a sweep of Baltimore [still counts!] so the I'm in baseball mode. )

"And for your chin implant we'll be using a rib from right about here- hell, I might as well get one, too."-- LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I do not think reptiles have ribs but this is clearly a statement about the cartoonist's talent--or lack there of.)

No, Mr. Croc. I expect you to lie. No, not like that. Lie in court. Tell them you wanted those wetlands for condos. You and the rest of your savage, backward, creepy crawly brethren.-Grant (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A meandering spoof on a classic that makes a statement about the importance of intimidation in the business world. I think Grant meant to say "back wood." As it happens, crocs can not move backward. )

Years of Ayurvedic study has permitted me diagnosis and treat with great precision the maladies of all of God's creatures. In this case, the beast is quite dead. But I imagine the advanced stench of this closed space forewarned you of that? mort drucker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: More high brow than funny but the effort is there. Also, I when I look at the "beast" I think of the line from Dylan's song Joey: "He ain't dead. He's just asleep." I have other reasons for believing he is just snoozing [see below].)

"Miss Jensen, my blow-up doll seems to have sprung a leak! Did you let Tony Hayward and his tiny prick come in here?"-- cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And so begins our BP-bashing. Hayward is CEO of the petro-giant-turned-arch-villian. This is a reach and not funny, but if it makes you feel better...)

"He's been out as Izod Lacoste's logo for years, but belly-up and covered in oil, he'll be a perfect logo for BP." -- RV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice merger of two beleagued corporate images. In college, the stoners refered to the preppies as "alligator shirt assholes," and the punks refered to the stoners as "alligator shirt wanna-bes." Maybe that's why Izod changed the logo. Expect BP to do likewise.)

"All BP employees get to have one dead animal for the day. It's supposed to give us empathy."-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Dead animals are associated more with dinner than empaty, so maybe it'd be better if BP staffers just bicycled to work for a while.)

"Ms. Harris, either someone has replaced my Braille notebook or there's some crazy shit goin' down."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not really funny but he does look like someone reading Braille. It's perceptive. On that much we agree.)

Full belly, you crazy bastard! Who the hell's in there?-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: CRC seems determined to carve out a niche as a classic cap connoisseur. So be it.)

I'm going back to the Gator Country where the wine and the women are free!-- Danny Joe Brown RIP (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The RIP leads me to believe this is posted as a memorial. Maybe it was a last wish. That's not something I'm prepared to screw with. )

In here it's Milburn and Miss Jane and for this three-way to work stay away from his teeth.Ellie May says he's a Clampett!-- JETHRO BODINE (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this because it was posted by someone who knows Mr. Drysdale's first name. And, yes, the woman in the cartoon does resemble Miss Jane. The last part makes no sense, though, so consider my praise lukewarm.)

"A pipe made from a beer can is so 90's... get ready to smoke some croc pot."-- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just a dumb stupid pun that somehow makes sense. Congrats!)

Reptilian, you cold-blooded bitch! How the hell are you not related?-- Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic cap bastardized beyond recognition.)

"Did you bring a couple of midgets?"-- Johnny V (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic cap that actually makes perfect sense here, it should have included some variation on "I hope you don't mind." but I don't want to split hairs.)

The devourers here are serene.-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am too lazy busy to check, but I think this one was entered in a previous contest. Still, it does make sense so let's call it an encore presentation.)

"There's a gator in the office, he's calling my name, And a saying come on boy, you better make it back home again. Fwop, bop, bam, boom."-- Molljeff Hatchet (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is from Molly Hatchet's "Whiskey man" which appeared on the album "Flirtin' with Disaster." I'm not proud of the fact that I know this, but I also know all the words to Dylan's "Idiot Wind" off the top of my head so...)

"Please tell my 4:30 I'll be a couple minutes late -- I just have to give croc here his happy ending." -- Jared S (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of several croc/cock caps this week. Can't a gator-brother get a belly rub without you people sexing it up?)
.
"Jane! Good, come in! I just want to run an idea bayou!"--cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is not nearly the worst pun. read on...)

I'm afraid this crocodile is done, Dee.-- Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty bad but it gets worse...)

No, Miss Findlay, I asked to to find me a tile rep!-- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very clever. Makes up for Johnny's other caps this week which included "Yes, I'm taking requests. What can I play for you?" Way to hang in there after striking out!)

"They said litigator? What the fuck's a litigator?"--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe the best of the worst puns. Reminds us that trying to help is different from actually helping.)

"Seems like lately the competitors are just crocodiling it in."--Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I just figured if we are going to have a pun ghetto I might as well use them all.)

The original Croc-O-Dial had the rotary right here on the soft underbelly. -- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A little better, but not much.)

"Poor fellow! He ate both Stephen King and Dan Brown this morning. Now I think he's suffering from writers cramp."-- cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is awful. Not Anti-Cap awful, just awful. I include it because it could have been half-way decent if the man was telling the woman that his gator became constipated after consuming these authors. He could then pay it off by adding "I guess he has writer's block." Now that's marginally funny! [And as long as I have you, let's not forget the apostrophe in "writer's block." It's something we own, ] Nice overall concept, though. No one can take that away from you.)

"Janet told me you've been dying to fuck a guy with a huge croc. Well, do you believe in fate? Because she also mentioned your physically requiring a freakishly small penis."-- t.a.m.s.y.(JUDGE'S COMMENT: In the same vein, I include this because it would have been a lot better if it ended after the first sentence. It's almost like t.a.m.s.y. told the joke and went on to explain why it's funny. If it's funny, you don't have to explain why [unless you volunteered to judge a contest or something.] )
.
"One by one I'm putting those allegations to sleep." dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And, here I go again, this would have been much, much better if it said "to rest." You put allegations to REST! This cap could have been a contender, but dwilk nerded it up by trying to be technically accurate! Too bad.)

“Well, this certainly explains the recent staff massacres down by the water cooler!”--blw(JUDGE'S COMMENT: The water cooler is the closest thing most offices' have to a swamp, and people often languish there like clue-less antelope waiting to be snatched and pulled under. I get that. But "massacres" is not the right word. Maybe if it said something about "staff turnover" or "attrition." Just sayin.)

“Good news, Miss Kelly. Our little friend here has ingested both McGaugh and Anon_mous . . . making the world once again safe for Anti-Captions!!!”--blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This addresses a tedious exchange of attack-caps. We seen this before. It will blow over.)
.
"Ms. Howell, can you please take over tickling this alligator? I'm very late for the Roger McGaugh vs. Anon_mous prize fight at the American Airlines Arena in beautiful downtown Miami, Florida."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'd love to know why this included a link to the arena's web site. And this is not a spat likely to draw an arena sized crowd. In fact it's more of tussle. Just remember: The five-cap rule is in effect. If you want to squander them on cheap shots and insults, feel free.)

It's alinlainalligator. Yep, swallowed him whole.-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: CRC again proves his mastery of the English language. Still, if there is one thing that sustains me during times of depression and despair, it's the knowledge that I am too big to be swallowed whole. I would counter by telling CRC to "swallow my hole" but I like to think I have higher standards that that.)
.
I don't know what's more dead. This or alinla's career.-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, both are just sleeping.)