Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Good News!: Dylan has a Christmas video, I had a colonoscopy, Anti-Cappers have their winners for last week

Amid all the disheartening news we hear these days (Sarah Palin's refusal to do Letterman, the Eggo Waffle shortage, chronic unemployment, et. al.) I come bearing some good news:
First: American genius and versatile troubadour, Bob Dylan, has released a music video for 'Must Be Santa," a song from his brilliant new holiday album, Christmas in the Heart. The new vid is a rollicking polka tune that has people celebrating at a house party. It is somewhat at odds with the other songs on the CD. (I don't know who wrote it, but it rhymes the reindeer name "Vixen" with that of the ex-President "Nixon.") The director says Dylan had fun doing it.
Overall, with its raw and somber tone, the CD is perfect sit-in-front-of-the-fireplace and-drink-brandy music. It captures exactly what many feel during the holidays--especially now. If you love Paul McCarthey's "Wonderful Christmas Time," you'll hate it, but that, I believe, is the point. Moreover, proceeds from the CD will go to three charities that aid the hungry. The 15-song album debuted last month. The music video is unlike any holiday music you'll (or shoudl I say "yule?") hear. It is bound to be an instant classic. Thank you Bob! You captured Christmas as only you can. (I mean that in a good way.)
Second: On a deeply personal note, I had a colonoscopy yesterday. This is good news because I avoid intrusive medical procedures like I avoid assholes (pun intended). But I turned 50 a few weeks ago. Also, I lost my brother Bill to Cancer when he was just 58. This procedure can spot trouble early on and may be life saving. It was more time consuming than painful. I urge everyone over 50 to grin and bare it. (Not to worry, I promise I will NOT be posting the video.)
Finally, another non-sequitur: I am posting winners for last week's Anti-Caption Contest. While I realize I am supposed to post and judge the contest on alternating weeks, the other guy did not pick winners for last week. (I'm assuming he was either drunk or in jail too busy.) So, responding to very modest demand, I humbly present the winners for Anti-Caption Contest #216. Also, because I can, I've included a Judge's Comment with each. I don't want to be the butt of any jokes, so I'll admit my personal narrative influenced the results. I guarantee you, this is the only post you'll ever read that references Bob Dylan, my innards AND the Anti-Cap Contest. ( I welcome your comments.)
"I'm the intestinal tumor fairy, and you should be glad I got here as soon as I did. You'll want to call a doctor to help retrieve the 50 cents I'm going to leave in your colon, though." --Francis
(Judge's Comment: I try not to wonder why someone goes to med school and than probes butts for a living. I'm just glad they do!)
"I am the ghost of Christmas past. The plunger and the jug are just a part of the scene I'm going to show you. Yeah, I'd look queesy if I were you too." --Johnny B
(Judge's Comment: I've never met Johnny B. But I know I'd like him. I mean here's a guy who posts like 10 Anti-Caps a week, enjoys potty humor AND Jackson Browne.)
"But the craigslist ad said you were looking for a fairy to come over and pump your toilet."
-- David
(Judge's Comment: Great Anti-Cap! Would have won if David had thought to make it a 'Bottomless fairy.' Also, extra credit for using the word 'but.')

"Hi, jerk. I'm an anxiety dream. I'm here to remind you that women despise you. Also, don't forget: you have a broken toilet, a termite infestation, and a growing dependency on alcohol. Loser."--mypalmike
(Judge's Comment: mypalmike throws a lot against the wall. Sometimes it stinks, sometimes it shines, sometime it does both.)

"Good thing Abner Louima isn't here to see this." -- J.D.
(Judge's Comment: As an ex-NYCer I knew this was a reference to a 1999 incident involving a Haitian immigrant who was assulted by a cop using a broomstick. Unlike my experience yesterday, Mr. Louima he did not get anaesthesia before the procedure and I'm almost certain he didn't get Jell-O afterward. He is, however, now a multi-millionare.)

"Hi! I'm from the 70th Precinct. --Deborah
(Judge's Comment: That's the Brooklyn precinct where the attack took place. The cop, Justin Volpe, was from Staten Island, as am I. He has 20 years to go on his 30-year sentence.)
"My dad, Pig-Pen, met a mosquito and Glenda the Good Witch at an SLAA meeting. They all totally humped, fuck-you-very-much." --Boris Talzhoff
(Judge's Comment: I too thought of the Pig-Pen reference, but I had to Google SLAA. Also the mosquito reference is confusing --I mean, was it a three-way?)
Yes, Higgins---you, too, have the power of the Fart Cloud within you! Now we shall begin the extraction. Then...we FLY!" --Mike Mariano
(Judge's Comment: Great Anti-cap! More gross than funny and using the Higgins name makes it very New Yorker-like. Nice job Mike!)
"The outhouses here are pristine."--t.a.m.s.y
(Judge's Comment: What can I say but thanks for keeping tradition alive! Now tell us what the hell t.a.m.s.y. stands for.)


J.D. said...

Hey, a.i.l.a., thanks. Congrats on your healthy colon. I hope Abner Louima's colon gives him no chronic problems either now these dozen years after it was ripped up by NYPD. Speaking of which, I remember my jaw dropping when I first heard the radio and TV news bulletins. The weapon was initially described as a toilet plunger handle. Later the mainstream media started changing that to "broken broomstick," and kind of alternated that with toilet plunger. Correction or bowdlerization? Wikipedia in its fairly good article reflects this inconsistency in the contemporaneous reporting:

" ... Volpe kicked Louima in the testicles, then, while Louima's hands were cuffed behind his back, he first grabbed onto and squeezed his testicles and then sodomized him with a **broken broom stick**, causing severe internal damage to his colon and bladder that required several operations to repair. Volpe then walked through the precinct holding the bloody, excrement-stained instrument in his hand, indicating that he had "broke a man down." ... Louima's teeth were also badly damaged in the attack by having the **plunger handle** jammed into his mouth. ..."

"Plunger handle" is sourced to the BBC. From an Alexander Cockburn opinion piece at the time:

"They haven't found, thus far, the instrument used to torture Abner Louima, but if they ever do, you can be sure that the prints on the **toilet plunger** won't belong to the prime suspect, police officer Volpe."

"Giuliani was particularly edgy about Louima's memory that one of the cops torturing him -- one of New York's finest -- said, "This is Giuliani time, not Dinkins time," as he shoved the **plunger handle** up the Haitian's rectum."*

I dunno, what was strapping young NYPD Officer Volpe more likely to find handy in the toilet stall where he'd dragged his young and very dark-skinned, very full-lipped torture-by-rape victim -- a broomstick or a toilet plunger? At the time "broomstick" sounded to me like a desperate attempt at spin, based on the notion that in the public's mind ramming a broomstick deep up a guy's ass, twisting it, and then shoving that shit- and blood-covered object in the guy's mouth and knocking out his teeth is somehow less barbaric than ramming a toilet plunger handle deep up a guy's ass, twisting it, and then shoving that shit- and blood-covered object in the guy's mouth and knocking out his teeth. "Broomstick" certainly was not to save the victim any humiliation -- NYPD propagandists initially circulated the monstrous lie that Louima's injuries resulted from consensual gay S&M, and media energetically spread that idiotic and very telling slander around. Volpe's team have been for some time, after all, actively engaged in securing sympathy and parole for him, who but for this "30-second mistake" was, of course, a choirboy.
*The "Giuliani time" thing was later recanted. Spoken or not, we all knew it was the unspoken code, the subtext informing the environment where such atrocity seemed to Volpe & Co. like only following orders. The Cockburn piece is quite good regarding pre-9/11 policies of torture and institutionalized scapegoating of patsies in America:

t.a.m.s.y. said...

The answer may surprise you! Actually, it probably won't, because I just told you.

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