Anti-Caption Contest #211

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WINNERS

First Place
..the fuck's your problem?--john
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Honorable Mention But Not as Funny as mypalmike's Dept.
"Fucking Russians!"--dwilk
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Honorable Mention: Funnier Than dwilk's (But what's with the ellipsis and let's not forget the quote marks, mister?) Dept.
Fucking Americans... --mypalmike

Honorable Mention: If It Means That Much To You Buddy Dept.
"Thank god you're here! Do you also have the technology to go back in time and change last week's Runner-Up from 'dwilk' to 'Steve_O'?"--Steve O.

Honorable Mention: Made Judge's Wife Laugh Dept.
"Suck it, moon hobo" --Sarah

Honorable Mention: Just Sayin' What Everyone's Thinkin' Dept.
"No, I haven't seen Radosh, or any of his guest bloggers. Now either give me some water or fuck off."--Richard Hine

Honorable Mention: Does Johnny B. Have Anger Issues? (Or is he just a fan of 'The Honeymooners' ) Dept.
My wife was a beautiful, maddening woman. She was full of desires and talents repressed and suppressed by society but burning within her veins and sinews. She threw those crushed hopes and dreams at the only target she had: me. She aroused in me so many violent and contradictory passions. One day I would promise to fuck her so hard she would experience Heaven and Hell in a thundering destruction of trembling climax. Then the next day I would threaten to punch her so hard she would fly to the moon. Brandishing my fist right beneath her nose, I shouted, over and over, "To the moon, Alice! One of these days, right to the moon." And one of those days she grew tired of it and she walloped me. And here I am. What's your story? --Johnny B.

Honorable Mention J.D. Makes An Excellent Point & Would Have Won If He Wasn't So Fucking Long-Winded Dept.
"The constant repetition of this seemingly innocent cartoon cliche -- that only a distressed, homeless or crazy man has a long beard - creates an amazing amount of bias against cultures where beards are customary or mandated by spiritual belief. Hassids are fortunate to have media protection, but such dehumanization makes it so much easier for the US government to continue its genocidal crusade against Muslims with their bearded Imams and Ayatollahs, and for the cognitively deficient to bash Sikhs, one of the most peaceful and industrious people on earth. Of course, police and airport security are blessed with superior intelligence and would never be so shallow as to profile a person based on something as harmless as facial hair, right? Just curious: what are adult men who shave trying to accomplish? Denuding their faces -- why? To pass themselves off as ravaged adolescents? Feminizing themselves to please mannish women? So many shaved men do resemble eunuchs or semi-butch lesbians. Just sayin' ..."--JD

Anti-Cap Contest #206

Thanks to everyone who entered. Feel free to use the comments section to lavish praise or, if you don't agree with these picks, offer encouragement tempered with mild disappointment. Try and be good natured and supportive and please leave my mother out of it. As I've said, this is a new undertaking for me so be gentle. (Yeah, I'm talking to you Francis.) And don't forget to enter your Anti-Cap for this week's contest............................................................................................................--al in la
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WINNER

"Apparently, Mr. Radosh, you did not read the fine print." --Tim H


HONORABLE MENTIONS

HONORABLE MENTION: Same Last Initial/Same Topic as Winner
"I'll tell you why. 'Cause it's fish or cut bait, that's why. Either you write for Jon Stewart or you run your stupid blog thing. But you can't have it both ways. Capiche?" --Kathy H

HONORABLE MENTION: Old School Anti-Cap
"Let's fuck." --Francis

HONORABLE MENTION: Selective Breeding/Pot Reference
"Counting on your dominant cancelling out my recessive is just too darn risky. Do you want to have a fucking donkey? Remember, Mendel was a pot-smoking douche." -- Rich Lather

HONORABLE MENTION: Male Organ Reference
"And yet somehow we're both hung like hamsters." --J.D.

HONORABLE MENTION; Male Organ Reference II
"I understand the tiny penis, but why the long face?" --Richard Hine

HONORABLE MENTION: Bad Pun
"I can't place the face, but your mane is familiar."

HONORABLE MENTION; Really Bad Pun
"Are you here for the support group for humans with grafted-on animal parts?" "Nay" --mypalmike

Anti-Caption Contest #205

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Much to my surprise, Radosh.net posted last week's Anti-Cap contest. This is a welcome development for those who enjoy the contest. Still, given Daniel's new responsibilities at the The Daily Show (i.e. teaching a poverty stricken nation to laugh again) it seems the Anti-Cap. is a not a priority for our beloved blog meister. It's a dilemma, of course. Specifically, slogging through the many unfunny entries is tedious. But if it is the Anti-Cap contest that has brought validation, adulation and web traffic, how can it be abandoned? For some reason, I thought of this while reading the L.A. Times' review of Liza Minnelli's recent two-night gig at the Hollywood Bowl: She wears her aching vulnerability on her sequined sleeve, turning the audience into her collective caretaker, if not her enabler.

Anyway, due to extremely modest demand, I have selected winners for last week's Anti-Cap Contest. In an effort to enhance the entertainment experience (and because there is nothing good on TV), I made up several new honorable mention categories. --al in la

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WINNERS: ELITE DIVISION*

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WINNER

Rob: "We'd better hurry back to Radosh.net; Daniel is gonna be re-starting his Anti-Caption Contest today..."*bars come down*

Al: "None of you are going anywhere. You're all going to sit here until you can think of something anti-caption-y to say for my blog, just like you did last week."

Rob: "Um...okay." *whispers* "C'mon guys, hurry!"

Mike: "The prison rape here is obscene."Shirley: "Warden, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Rob: "I'm...sure glad there aren't any black inmates here to see this...?"

Al: "Nice effort. Go to hell." *poison gas*--Damon

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HONORABLE MENTIONS: ELITE DIVISION*

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"So, it's agreed. Next year, Martha's Vineyard."--Kathy H

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"I guess at this point we're just waiting on the judge."--Richard Hine

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*Elite Division is comprised of entries posted exclusively on this blog.

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WINNERS: RADOSH DIVISION

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WINNER

The rule of thumb is if they forgo the body cavity search, the pizza will still be warm. -- boneguy_97

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HONORABLE MENTION: GROSS BUT FUNNY

"What's it going to be Mr. Murphy? Do Sally and I have your blessing or do I have to skull-fuck you in front of my future mother-in-law? Take your time, I've got all day." --R.K.

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HONORABLE MENTION: CRYPTIC POLITICAL COMMENTARY
"Fuck Yea. Some Tit-tays and furniture. Gitmo's not so bad anymore. Freedom may not be free, but it's plush. 8 more years! 8 more years!" --Rich Lather

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HONORABLE MENTION: OBSCURE GOODFELLOWS' REFERENCE

Johnny Dio would put the Fritos in a bowl. He smelled up the joint something awful and the hacks used to die. -- tritter

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HONORABLE MENTION: BAD TASTE/PREVIOUS CONTEST REFERENCE
"The self-locking shower doors seem to put off our Jewish overnight guests. Well, it's getting late." -- LV

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HONORABLE MENTION: OBSCURE BASEBALL REFERENCE
"I wish they'd hurry. If I'm not traded before September 1, I can't play in any post-season games." --Tim H

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HONORABLE MENTION: RADOSH MENTION

"Shit, looks like it's time to go post on radosh again." --Pandyora

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Comments??

Anti-Caption Contest #204

A NOTE ABOUT THE

ANTI- CAP CONTEST

(See Winners below)

First, a big thanks to all those who submitted Anti-Captions last week. As many of you know I am using my blog in a fledgling attempt to continue the New Yorker Magazine Anti-Caption Contest pioneered by Daniel Radosh. The talented but mistake prone writer has been catapulted from the literary fringes to a plum job as a writer for The Daily Show. Remarkably, the show's talent hounds where reportedly wooed by Daniel's blog. This is the rough equivalent of a beer league softball star making the Yankees. It's both baffling and encouraging.
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Like many of you, I became acquainted with Daniel through the Anti-Caption Contest. As I visited Radosh.net to check or post entries, I came to enjoy the sly wit and nebbish charm of the blogmeister himself. I must admit I even share his mild (and completely healthy) infatuation with the Clique Girz as well as his deep contempt for needless censorship and Bil Keane. Like someone who wonders into a quirky little restaurant to use the john and ends up having dinner, I came for the Anti-Caps and stayed for wit and wisdom.

Radosh writing for the smartest and most entertaining news show on TV is well earned but his decison to no longer post the Anti-Cap Contest each week is, for me at least, terrible news. As a cynic with a prankster's wit. I love the Contest. I'm one who believes cleaver trumps brilliant and I refuse to apologize for my impulse to spew bad puns (Don't you think I would stop if I could?). So I have dutifully entered Anti-Caps every week for more than two years and have even won several times. It is in that spirit that I plan to post the contest on this blog each week and pick winners before day break on the following Monday. (Day break in L.A., I mean.)

Judging the contest, I picked winners based strictly on what I thought was cleaver, made me laugh or simply was impossible to ignore. I want to note this up front because I never did buy into the criterion that supposedly deemed the "worst caption" prize worthy. In my view, the Anti-Cap Competition endures as a cherished symbol of contemporary humor because the rules are different. We Anti-Cappers exist in a parallel universe where absurdity, cheap shots and foul language are the currency. And, yes of course, the hours are always obscene. --al in la

WINNER
"You'll like this one, Gloria. So, Bill was asking how you could possibly have deep-throated your way to the top with such a skinny neck, and I was like, 'because she was blowing a guy with a mouse-dick!' Good one, huh?"
--Matt

RUNNER UP
Jim: "What goes squeak, squeak, bang? A mouse in a minefield!"
Mouse: "That's funny, Jim. Here's one for you: who screws up quarterly sales on a regular basis, and has to suck dick for cab money at customer summits?"
*silence*
Deborah: "Wait - I just got it. Minefield! Ha! BOOM!"
--Damon

HONORABLE MENTION
"Alright, people. We're up for the Kraft account. Any ideas? I mean other than 'Let's eat it.'"
--Kathy H

HONORABLE MENTION, (OBSCURE REFERENCE*)
J.D. said...
"Julius Streicher was hung at Nuremberg for portraying people as rodents. Walt Disney became a national hero for doing sort of the same thing. Go figure." --J.D.

HONORABLE MENTION (Radosh Reference*)
"FUCK!!!"*
*this simple entry is in honor of our "past" leader Mr. Radosh who loved any submission with the word! You'll be miss my man but the "AC" is in good hands! Thanks Al in LA!
--Anonymous


*New Category

Anti-Caption Contest #202

NOTE: Like many who regularly visit Radosh.net, I was stunned by today's bombshell announcement that Blog Master Dan is going to work as a writer for The Daily Show. This is wonderful news for Daniel and I wish him the best in his new gig, but this also means he will no longer post the Anti-Caption Contest. As a long time participant in the contest this is sobering news. I recognize that the contest has a devoted following so I am going to gamely attempt to post the contest myself and offer my judgment each week. I am beginning with Anti-Caption Contest #202. I will note that this particular cartoon is pretty lame and I was not completely comfortable with the use of the word "box" as reference to, well, you know. But it is what it is and the there is always next week. Use the comments section to offer your feedback. --al in la

WINNER
"Don't you hate it when you get sand in your box?"
Richard H

RUNNER-UP
I spend thousands of dollars on this realistic female doll and I wind up spending more time playing with the box it shipped in than having sex with it. Go figure.
Jeff

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Billy Mays Here!!"
Tim H

S'awriiiiight!
therblig

"Oh fer fuck's sake close yer eyes and point to pick the winning anti-caption. How fucking hard could it be??!!"
J.D.