NOTE: More winners from an anonymous interloping judge. The effort, though uninspiring, is appreciated. -- al in la
FIRST PLACE
"I have to show you this trick I learned from Bill Cosby."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: NJ-to-TX starts strong right out of the gate. For those of you who don't watch the Cosby Show, he is referencing the 17th episode in the 2nd season where Dick Van Dyke played an out of work magician trying to stay sober so that he could marry his sweetheart. Cosby worked his own kind of magic and helped Dyke stay off the booze and get his lady. That episode was so memorable and well acted that many professional critics mark it as the height of the Cosby show before the downward cycle of ratings began. Subtle 70's television references seldom go unrewarded.)
SECOND PLACE
"So far so good. This is usually where my date disappears."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim is speaking from experience here. I remember the night he took Kathy H (when her name was still Kathy) to a magic/jazz combination show in New Orleans. When the lead magician/saxophonist transformed a flat into a sharp, Tim leaped onto the stage and revealed the trick for what it was: A poorly concealed array of mirrors and fishing line. That was when Kathy disappeared into thin air for a week, an event Tim still attributes to the magician/saxophonist as revenge for revealing his illusion. Tim knows this for a fact because Kathy didn't pick up the phone for the duration of time she was made invisible.)
THIRD PLACE
"So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy, who he's sawing in half right now. What'd you say your name was again, kid?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The implications of this comment are terrifying. An incestuous group of only a handful of people comprise the entirety of al in la's fan base. The numbers are undoubtedly inflated because many of you have multiple names and make numerous anonymous posts. And for what? So you can receive validation from an inattentive, and frankly rude, father figure who rarely takes the required five minutes out of his day to hand down contemptuous judgments? I say nay. We can do better. Daniel Radosh would be ashamed. And I should know.)
"Winner: "The hours here are obscene" - Boneguy - a classic, however irrelevant, is a classic.
2nd place: "Liberty is just equality in school." - Anonymous Anonymouse - Dylan lyrics, however misapplied are always winners.
Honorable Mention: "Fuck!" - Dr. Sumguy - Profanity, however offensive is always cool
Honorable Mention: "Art LINKletter" - Kathy H - Kathy H's links, however stupid make you want to link up with her.
Dishonorable mention: All puns - Puns, however funny , are never winners. Deal with it.
- al in la"--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Now we are diving into a bottomless meta contest where judges judge each other while pretending to be people they are not. That being said, I find JonnyB's impression of al in la to be quite pedestrian. Leave the judging to the experts, kid.)
36 comments:
"I have to show you this trick I learned from Bill Cosby."
"I brought a couple of prestidigitators- do you mind?"
"When I rented this flat to male prostitutes, I should have known they'd be bringing their tricks up here."
My best trick? Posting pics of my junk on Twitter.
"It's going to be a modern Filipino themed wedding. The ceremony will be in Tagalog!"
"Jose! When you're finished with that, would you clean the pool!"
"In Soviet Union, illusionist fool you!"
"So far so good. This is usually where my date disappears."
"So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy, who he's sawing in half right now. What'd you say your name was again, kid? "
"Show them how you make my boner disappear."
Jim Cavanaugh
"That magician is quicker and his game
Is much thicker than blood and blacker than ink, dear."
"...and this is where the magic happens!"
"You think Teller will ever say a word about what he saw? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"See, Kathy, the rabbit's still alive. You're just getting fat."
"OK, they're pretty lame tricks, but not as lame as Al's in the last anti- cap."
"He came, he sawed, he conquered."
"...and this is Casual Friday. You can just imagine what they wear the rest of the week."
"First lesson of sawing a woman in half: Measure twice, cut once."
I like to call this my "magician practice room."
"I brought you here under false pretenses!"
"And our last stop on the George W. Bush museum tour, these are the men who got him re-elected. For their safety, they must remain here."
I don’t want anyone to believe you when you tell them about tonight. Feeling woozy yet?
Next I want to show you my leg collection.
"He saw her before I saw you."
Winner: "The hours here are obscene" - Boneguy - a classic, however irrelevant, is a classic.
2nd place: "Liberty is just equality in school." - Anonymous Anonymouse - Dylan lyrics, however misapplied are always winners.
Honorable Mention: "Fuck!" - Dr. Sumguy - Profanity, however offensive is always cool
Honorable Mention: "Art LINKletter" - Kathy H - Kathy H's links, however stupid make you want to link up with her.
Dishonorable mention: All puns - Puns, however funny , are never winners. Deal with it.
- al in la
These are the replacements for the clowns who ran the Republican National Committee.
You wanted to see how Wall Street really works.
"It's rent stabilized, fully-furnished, and here's the beauty part: The magicians are all union members!"
I took it upon myself to spew forth some winners. Have you ever given birth?
"Funny you should say 'Hi Men" because yours is about to disappear."
"Next week we're going to saw a man in half. Apparently he's being parted out for a recap of 'Two and a Half Men'!"
WINNERS
First Prize: One week in the Northeast.
Second Prize: Two weeks in the Northeast.
Third Prize: Mets season tickets.
"You serious? You really didn't know? Come on. Walking on water? The fishes? Twice? Turning water into wine? The whole 'resurrection' thing? He was David fucking Houdini Copperfield!"
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"I have to show you this trick I learned from Bill Cosby."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: NJ-to-TX starts strong right out of the gate. For those of you who don't watch the Cosby Show, he is referencing the 17th episode in the 2nd season where Dick Van Dyke played an out of work magician trying to stay sober so that he could marry his sweetheart. Cosby worked his own kind of magic and helped Dyke stay off the booze and get his lady. That episode was so memorable and well acted that many professional critics mark it as the height of the Cosby show before the downward cycle of ratings began. Subtle 70's television references seldom go unrewarded.)
SECOND PLACE
"So far so good. This is usually where my date disappears."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim is speaking from experience here. I remember the night he took Kathy H (when her name was still Kathy) to a magic/jazz combination show in New Orleans. When the lead magician/saxophonist transformed a flat into a sharp, Tim leaped onto the stage and revealed the trick for what it was: A poorly concealed array of mirrors and fishing line. That was when Kathy disappeared into thin air for a week, an event Tim still attributes to the magician/saxophonist as revenge for revealing his illusion. Tim knows this for a fact because Kathy didn't pick up the phone for the duration of time she was made invisible.)
THIRD PLACE
"So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy, who he's sawing in half right now. What'd you say your name was again, kid?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The implications of this comment are terrifying. An incestuous group of only a handful of people comprise the entirety of al in la's fan base. The numbers are undoubtedly inflated because many of you have multiple names and make numerous anonymous posts. And for what? So you can receive validation from an inattentive, and frankly rude, father figure who rarely takes the required five minutes out of his day to hand down contemptuous judgments? I say nay. We can do better. Daniel Radosh would be ashamed. And I should know.)
Honorable Mentions coming in the next post.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Winner: "The hours here are obscene" - Boneguy - a classic, however irrelevant, is a classic.
2nd place: "Liberty is just equality in school." - Anonymous Anonymouse - Dylan lyrics, however misapplied are always winners.
Honorable Mention: "Fuck!" - Dr. Sumguy - Profanity, however offensive is always cool
Honorable Mention: "Art LINKletter" - Kathy H - Kathy H's links, however stupid make you want to link up with her.
Dishonorable mention: All puns - Puns, however funny , are never winners. Deal with it.
- al in la"--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Now we are diving into a bottomless meta contest where judges judge each other while pretending to be people they are not. That being said, I find JonnyB's impression of al in la to be quite pedestrian. Leave the judging to the experts, kid.)
"WINNERS
First Prize: One week in the Northeast.
Second Prize: Two weeks in the Northeast.
Third Prize: Mets season tickets."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A better attempt at judging. I enjoyed the fact that no one in their right mind would want to come in third place for this contest. I know this won't offend any Mets fans because they are nonexistent, much like the chances of the man in this cartoon getting of laid tonight.)
"Um, seriously though, you can, like, stop judging the contests before I get to them, man. I'm, uh, busy and stuff. Right now. Have a heart, man. My fans might realize what they've been missing all this time."--al in la (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No can do, Al. I gave you a long grace period in which to judge this contest, and you squandered it by reposting an old contest equating me with a monkey. I may have hairy armpits, and I do enjoy bananas more than the average human, but I don't think I'm a monkey.)
"Everyone say hi to Beckie, it's her first time at Planned Parenthood."
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