WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"So
these two pollocks get in a fight, and one gets battered!"--pg13
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: And the other has to stay after school or something. Cheap,
cheesey and obvious but not without it's charm. The fish figures his
quick wit will save him from being eaten alive. This is a common but
ineffectual life strategy.)
SECOND
PLACE
"You
want a piece of me?"--pg13
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: It does not look like the diner is seeking permission. I could never understand why tough guys ask this before a
throw down.)
THIRD
PLACE
"They
call me boneguy because...well, you'll find out."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: I always figured it was either a pot or sex reference. Or
maybe he is just really, really skinny. Whatever, he is a perennial
Anti-Capper. Higher praise I can not offer—not to him at least.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"I'm
sorry I slept with Luca Brasi, but this doesn't solve
anything."--NJ-to-TX
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: GF trivia: Luca was portrayed by Lenny Montana, a
6'6” - 320 pound pro-wrestler who was also a real life
mob-enforcer. In the original novel he impregnates a young prostitute
and murders her, so sleeping with him has a down-side risk.)
"Wanna
hear me sing "Take Me to the River'?"--JimM
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: References three important cultural icons: The Sopranos, Talking
Heads and tacky novelty gifts. )
"My
name's Abe Vigoda. What's yours?"--Tim H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: A Barney Miller reference. In GF I his character was called
“Sally,” because his name was Sal. I always though a real mob guy
wouldn't stand for that. Tom Hagan couldn't get him off the hook. Not
even for old times sake. )
"Seafoodie,
you crazy bastard! How the heck are you?"Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: How the fuck
did “heck” get into this classic cap. And can we all agree the
fish is not doing well. )
"The
chowders here in the tureen are from the latrine."--Shelly
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ick! Would have
worked better if it said “where caught up-stream,” or something.
Clever doesn't always mean gross.)
"Fusilier,
you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Jim Cavanaugh
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim is trying too
hard. A fusilier has nothing to do with fish.)
How're
you going to eat me without a mouth you fucking douchebag--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: With his
nebbish demeanor and wire-rim glasses, the diner reminds me of 1984
Subway Vigilante Bernard Goetz. By provolking a violent, unstable and
highly volitile man with an ill-advised tough-guy routine, the fish
reminds me of the four teens Goetz shot.)
"I'm
Al and I'll be your waiter tonight."--Satireguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here are the
specials: stupid puns, tourtued classics and rim-shot cornball caps
hastily dashed off and dismissed as quickly, the occasional topical
reference, Dylans lyrics both obscure and esoteric and many exotic
dishes considered an acquired taste.)
[Al,
Al, Al - I have never once tried to out-Dylan you. Your knowledge of
Dylan is encyclopedic and mine isn't. I offer up semi-obscure quotes
precisely because you're the only person I know of who will instantly
recognize them and hopefully appreciate them. Most of the other Dylan
quotes submitted here are pretty obvious and don't even attempt to
work as captions. I figure you deserve better.]--Angus
Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: RANDON DYLAN
NOTES: A recent ebay auction netted me $75 for a tattered and torn long-sleve tee
shirt that simply says: “Bob Dylan and the Band 1974
Tour”; A USA Today rock critic once called from a Dylan
show and held up the phone so I could hear a song she wanted to
identify. I nailed it of course. I got free tickets to a Dylan
Tribute at MSG. An exec at MTV which was producing the show had heard
about my Dylan bonafides and personally invited me; I wrote a news story that someone in Dylan's office confirmed he probably read. )
75 comments:
Take it from a carp, carpe diem.
I just flew in fresh from Miami and boy are my pectoral fins tired.
"Don't eat me ... I have 'Salmonella!"
"I'm a gay Blowfish, and I'm looking for a job!"
"My name's Abe Vigoda. What's yours?"
"I got hooked on phonics."
"They call me boneguy because...well, you'll find out."
"My kids were aborted when their eggs got collected for caviar in shallow water, you know, Roe v. Wade.
"I'm sorry I slept with Luca Brasi, but this doesn't solve anything."
"Let me know when you start 'Forking Me', so I can close my eye!"
"So you caught me with your 'Rod' ... I don't want to hear the details!"
"Pisces. What's yours?"
"Yes. I'm the original Sole Man."
"The chowders here in the tureen are from the latrine."
"Here's a little song I wrote, might want to think it note for note..."
FYI, Hebe. There's no such thing as a gefilte fish.
"You want a piece of me?"
"I thought this would be a better gig. I mean, I was working for scale."
"I'm Al and I'll be your waiter tonight."
"Are you sure you didn't order the steak au poivre?"
"Vichyssoise? The chef thought you ordered fishyssoise."
"Eat my cloaca first, so I can get 'My Rocks Off'!"
Make you a deal.
If you nail me to a wall, I'll sing for you whenever you want.
"Eat me"
"It's always better when you get hold of a snapper."
Jim Cavanaugh
"I'm Nemo's half brother 'Chemo' ... Go figure!"
"Don't sell your sole to the devil."
Did you not order the fish schtick?
I swim in poopy water.
Dude, I am like so full of mercury you'll have a neurological disorder before you hit the street.
Whatever you're doing with your hands it can't be as bad as what I'm thinking.
"So...Top of the food chain and still can't get laid."
"Whatever happened to 'nothing with a face'? Go ahead. It's your sole."
"Still waiting for your 'N Chips? It'll be awhile, this place is a shithole."
"I sang bass with the Freshwater Four. I suppose this is better than being mounted."
"You didn't like that number? Sorry if I'm a little out of tuna."
"Mount me, please!"
"You're gonna need a bigger plate."
"I see you ordered a 'FishEye' wine ... Can I have a sip?"
"You should worry less about my talking and more about how thoroughly they cook the food."
"Fine do what you must. May cod have mercy on your sole!"
"Think of your diet! I consist of tuna-half servings of protein!"
"Get me out of here and I'll let you spawn all over me."
"I spent so much time in schools, and I'm still so flaky."
"Hey! You and me, a talking fish! America's Got Talent! BOOM! A million dollars!"
"My name is Carlos Danger. Please don't ask me any more questions."
I'm sorry to have to ask, but did you just say Yom Kipper or yum, kipper?
"I hope your conscience explodes."
"My dad played for the Fish—Mercury Morris."
"Fin."
"I'm not that kind of blowfish, Mister."
"Fin."
"I've got more bones in me than Lisa Lampanelli."
"Welcome to the Senate Cafe, where the house specialty is fillet, buster."
Listen, I got gill netted before it ended. Does Marlin finally find Nemo?
After all this time, you'e the best evolution could come up with?
"Do I have to get the waiter? We put in the drink order 20 minutes ago. They still haven't given us any menus. Do not even think about giving this guy a tip. And not even any water! This place has really been going downhill. I don't even think it's the same owners."
"I got caught in a river bed with a hooker."
Did you check out the lox at table six? Man, did he get smoked!
Coffee, tea, or me?
[Al, Al, Al - I have never once tried to out-Dylan you. Your knowledge of Dylan is encyclopedic and mine isn't. I offer up semi-obscure quotes precisely because you're the only person I know of who will instantly recognize them and hopefully appreciate them. Most of the other Dylan quotes submitted here are pretty obvious and don't even attempt to work as captions. I figure you deserve better.]
"Yo, Angus! Ever considered not taking yourself so seriously?"
My honest opinion? Put the bag back on your head.
"How about the girl who went fishing with 12 men, and came home with a 'Red Snapper' ... That's me!"
". . . and so I says to him, 'I feel like a fish out of water', I says . . ."
"Wanna hear me sing "Take Me to the River'?"
"Can you say, “Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster?"
"Jesus loves you."
Hey, if the pope says it's OK to be gay, then who in their right mind can possibly take fish on Friday seriously?
"I suggest a glass of the chardonnay."
Hey buddy, here's my favorite seafood joke. When asked why there was seashell tattoo on her inner thigh, the dumb blonde said:
"If you put your ear up to it you can smell the ocean".
"If you wanted a dead fish, you should have stayed home."
"So these two pollocks get in a fight, and one gets battered!"
"Catch and Release, already! Sheesh!"
hey you'll!
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