WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
Are
you sure this resurrection has lasted more than four hours?--Angus
Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Evokes
that scary yet provocative warning heard on boner pill comercials.
You know, the one that says you should see a doctor if your hard-on
goes into extra innings. Also touches on the foundation of
Christianity. So, Anti-Cap wise, how can you go wrong? Combining
religious imagagery with sexual stuff always results in hilarity.)
SECOND
PLACE
I
am going to write you up as the first reported case of being light in
the loafers minus the loafers.--boneguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Speaking
of loafers, this is just lazy – and really stupid. “Light in the
loafers” is an antiquated and highly derogatory way to describe a
gay man. And the name “boneguy” could be kind of gay thing
so...not that there's anything wrong wity that.)
THIRD
PLACE
"You
have hermes."--Steve_O
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: One of the worst puns ever unleashed here. The link takes us
to a drawing that's kind of creepy but somehow makes sense.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"It's
time for your annual metaphysical."--Satireguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of works.
We'll take insightful over funny, if we can't have funny.)
"You
have bird flu."--smuck (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Think about it: “flu” is a homophone for “flew,”
which is what birds do. And “do” rhymes with and “flu”...so
the word play here is obscene ...and pointless.)
"Take
2 Beano and call me in the morning!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Refers to an anti-flatulence pill, so this suggests that the
guy has farted so hard it has sent him aloft. [Wait for laughter]
Further proof that the Anti-Caption contest is to the Caption Contest
what junior high school is to grad school.)
"Take
two anvils and call me in the morning."
--Jim
Cavanaugh(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Jim is making the point that weights would hold the man
down, and anvil sounds like Advil is the name of an analgesic. Nice
one, buddy! It seems that Anti-Cap anti-hero JohnnyB has gone on
hiatus so I am eyeing Jim as my new favorite person to make fun of.
It's a heavy burden, Jim. I hope you're up for it.)
“I
concur with Dr Sumguy. Plus, a little
less fiber."--Tim
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: I had long assumed that Dr. Sumguy was not a real doctor—now
I'm not so sure.)
"You're
in luck. With Obamacare, invisible step stools are
covered."--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: No, but ironically stool samples are indeed covered. This
reflects the ignorant misinformation advanced about the most
progressive health care initiative seen in the U.S. since Medicare.
In other news, Michele Bachmann has preformed a mercy killing on her
disgraceful rein in congress.)
"Captain
Sullenberger, you've been cleared for landing."--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: This is a real reach, but as part of my effort to bat back
every obscure reference, I'll bite. No one cleared him to land. He
just touched down in the Hudson River. Killed some birds but saved a
lot of lives. An amazing man.)
"My
prescription is: do a little dance, make a little love, get down
tonight."--LR
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: From a song by KC
& The Sunshine Band that has obvious sexual connotations. Not
unlike Dylan's Lay Lady Lay.)
"People
don't live or die, people just float"--Obligatory
Dylan (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Of course I got it. It's from “Man in the Long Coat,”
which appears on the highly under-rated album “Oh Mercy,”
released in 1989. In an apparent reference to the Anti-Cap contest,
the song also says: “Feel
the pulse and vibration and the rumbling force, Somebody is out there
beating a dead horse.”)
"I
have your test results. I'm sorry, Major Tom, planet Earth is blue,
and there's nothing I can do."--NJ-to-TX
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Our first-ever David Bowie-inspired caption. Very nice. The
song includes one of the most sarcastic lyrics ever penned: “The
papers what to know whose shirt you wear.” )
"As
you can see, the cartoonist put one of those stupid things on my head
that indicates I'm a doctor, but he couldn't be bothered to give you
nipples or a navel...go figure."--Jess
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Bitter irony is the mother's milk of humor, I always say.)
"Sorry
I took so long. Had to treat a bunch of burn victims in the sewer
system."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Always awkward when one cap contest bumps into another, but
your point is well taken.)
alinla
and Johnny B. A pair of suspenders.
Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: I miss Johnny. If you see him say hello, he might
be in Tangier...and
tell him to come back soon.)
Dylan's
birthday is over. You can come down now, al.--boneguy
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: If you're suggesting I got high on Dylan's birthday, you
know me too well.)
66 comments:
"Take 2 Beano and call me in the morning!"
Good news. The results are negative.
"Highly unusual. You're eight feet tall and don't weigh a fucking thing."
Face it Fred, you died six months ago.
"I concur with Dr Sumguy. Plus, a little less fiber."
Don't tell me you're going to be The Hindenburg again for Halloween!
"I'm switching you from Zero-G, to the Atkins diet!"
"You have hermes."
Are you sure this resurrection has lasted more than four hours?
"The cause? ... I think it's your 2 right feet!"
"Drop your trunks, and we'll check you for 'Aerobacter Cloacae'!"
"You've lost weight."
Things are looking up, but you should be aware of the gravity of the situation.
"It's time for your annual metaphysical."
"So I see the high-fiber diet has been working for you."
"I'm concerned. Your cholesterol is a little elevated"
"..the really bad news? The Orlando Magic are interested in recruiting you."
I am going to write you up as the first reported case of being light in the loafers minus the loafers.
"My prescription is: do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight."
"Take two anvils and call me in the morning."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Check with your insurance. That'll bring you back down."
"You're in luck. With Obamacare, invisible step stools are covered."
"I can still see that you're bald."
"You have bird flu."
"Captain Sullenberger, you've been cleared for landing."
"Mr. Blaine, you've certainly let yourself go."
"I told you to take off your shirt and pants but not your gravity boots."
"Sorry, but the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is six months away."
"Hmmm, extended levitation. The bed shakes. Your head swivels. You scream 'lick me' in demonic voices. You vomit pea soup. This is clearly Viagra overdose."
"I said, 'Turn your head and cough,' not 'Turn your head and loft.'"
"When I said, 'When I say, "Jump!," you say, "How high?,"' I was, y'know, kidding."
"People don't live or die, people just float"
I'm going to have to ask you to return the rectal probe
"How's that balloon catheter treating you?"
"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to fly."
Take two...
"Mr. Blaine, you've certainly let yourself go."
"I believe I said step on the scale, not hop on the scale."
"When I say 'hop on the scale' Mr. Smith, I don't mean it literally."
"Par for the course, Mr. Kundera"
Given the fact you are still alive, Mr. Roth, you might as well jump.
"Wer'e renovating. I'm scaling down!"
"What are you holding behind your back?"
"All of your Disney rides have been canceled!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Fudgpacker, but we are required by law to alert the DEA."
"One more example of the shit they don't teach you in medical school."
I'm just saying you're not making the conversation about the gravity of your condition any easier.
"Levitation or no levitation, you still have HIV."
Please stop jumping on my scale.
"Doing that twice a day will keep you forever young."
Dylan's birthday is over. You can come down now, al.
"Nice suspension."
alinla and Johnny B. A pair of suspenders.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Get down from there before you fall and break your neck."
drop trow. we need an anchor.
"The gastroenterologist said you definitely shouldn't be able to propel yourself into the air with flatulence."
"Don't move. This could be worth big bucks."
"We all live on the same planet but you are in a different universe."
"And that's bad?"
"On a two dimensional space it is all perspective."
"The clinic has gone upscale."
"I have your test results. I'm sorry, Major Tom, planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do."
"Sorry I took so long. Had to treat a bunch of burn victims in the sewer system."
"Excellent. Now, can you sting like a bee for me?"
I love to laugh too, Mr Wynn. Now get down.
"Nice try, but I said CAVITY search."
Waitless
"Don't weight up."
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