WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
As
per his request, his disembodied lower half has been dispersed among
your plates this evening. Bone appetit.--J Promo (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Many Anti-Cappers once again decided if you can't be funny, be gross. This is one of several caps to serve up a cannibalism theme
and probably the first cap in the history of the contest to use the
word “disembodied” --although it was really not necessary here.
Also one of the few caps to explain what the folks assembled are
eating and why they look so bummed out about it. This is a
hideous cap and “Bone” appetit is stupid, but it wins because
Mrs. al in la laughed. That's how much I love her.)
SECOND
PLACE
"Who
ordered the hit?"--Jess (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: One of the shortest caps entered, this references a question
often asked in mob films and on the The Sopranos. It's usually followed
by “I know I didn't order it.” Took me a second to get why this
is funny so it actually made me think, which is rare.)
THIRD
PLACE
He
could see it coming through the door as he lifted up his fork.--Angus
Podgorny (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: As all the cool kids know, this is from the Bob Dylan song
“Joey,” a meandering ode to “Crazy” Joe Gallo that appears on
the 1976 Album “Desire.” Gallo was a mobster from Brooklyn who
was gunned down in “a clam bar in New York.” The fact that Dylan
rhymes “clam bar in New York” with “lifted up his fork” is
all you need to know about the genius that is this man. [Dylan I
mean, not the mafia guy]. The song also includes one of my favorite
Dylan lines:
“What
time is it?” said the judge to Joey when they met
"Five
to ten," said Joey. The judge said, "That's exactly what
you get")
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"Amen.
And now let's raise a toast, a two hundred and some odd pounds piece
of toast, and get him the fuck outta here."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is clumsy
and awkward. You don't “raise a toast.” Why dead people are
sometimes referred to as “toast,” I will never know. Still, there
were so many ugly puns this week, this may have been the least
offensive.)
"Will tables 4 and 5 now please come up and make their selections?"--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I can just hear them rush to the coffin saying “I'll have leg!”...“Gimme a thigh” ...“Let me have a rib!” More ghoulish commentary and yet another cap that will never see the light of day in the real contest.)
"In
honor of his invention of the turducken, the chef was embalmed with a
small elderly woman and a stillborn infant tucked inside of
him."--Totally Tasteless, but Tasty! (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Why stop there? Maybe a rabbit, a hamster and some grubs
will add to the flavor—you sick bastard.)
"The
cause: Death by chocolate."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: You wish. That's a girl thing, Kathy. And why not a link to
scantily clad babes licking chocolate off each other? Wouldn't kill
you, ya know.)
"Why
our beloved Police Chief Tom Harris wanted to be buried in a chef's
uniform, we'll never know. But, hey..."--Tim H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: This could have been much funnier if it implied the dead
man's outfit was due to a type-o on a letter send to the mortician.)
"The
bugler will now play Tapas."--Tim
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: What's funny about this is that Tim thought the bold face
would make it better.)
Enjoy
your filet of soul.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Works better if you assume they are all in hell and the
devil purchased the chef's soul in exchange for a four star
review...or something.)
"A
terrible accident, indeed. But that is the way with French cuisine;
there is very little margarine of error."--cta
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Keep in mind
that cta also submitted “I guess he had just run out of thyme..."
And so it goes.)
"We
come here not to braise Chef Caesar but to curry him. And to serve
his most famous dish- Chef's salad."--LR (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Works if you assume LR is 10 years old.)
"He
asked that you gaze down at the empty bowls in front of you as I read
the words that immortalized his acting career: 'No soup for
you!'"--NAMBI
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Ironically, the NY Post had a story last week that said
“Soup
Nazi actor Larry Thomas is all steamed up.” Seems a gun
manufacturer named Serbu Firearms used his image on an anti-gun
control T-shirt along with the phrase “No Serbu for You!” I
guess the point is pun abuse is rampant and the Soup Nazi is a live
and well.)
This
is the best we could do.
Tilda
Swinton
was busy.--boneguy
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Let me damn this with faint praise: A very Kathy H.-type
entry. )
"He's
deader than the Met's hopes now that Santana is out."
Jim
Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I
lived through the Seaver trade. I will not be cowed. Johan has played
his last game for the Mets. Lets move on. )
"His
suicide note read: Since
there will never be results posted for Anti-Cap Contests Nos. 357,
358 and 359, I don't want to live".--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: I do take a measure of perverse satisfaction from his decision. If he had
read your entries, Kathy we can bet he died NOT laughing.)
"He
said, 'First it's Dr Sumguy who can't spell braille. Then it's Judge
alinla who can't spell braille. I guess it was just a case of the
blind leading the blind.' And then he croaked."--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again we see the
passive aggressive side of our beloved Anti-Capper Kathy H. Did you
ever consider that I used Dr. Sumguy's spelling for comic effect? No?
Okay. I understand.)
85 comments:
As a final gesture, feel free to place money in the casket. Rabbi Goldstein, put away your checkbook.
You think this is bad? You should have seen last week's upside down crucifixion cake!
"Our next course here at the Cannibal's Club is a delightful Italian entree..."
"We come here not to braise Chef Caesar but to curry him. And to serve his most famous dish- Chef's salad."
"Ladies and gentlemen: The Chef's Surprise."
"His suicide note read: Since there will never be results posted for Anti-Cap Contests Nos. 357, 358 and 359, I don't want to live".
"After the service, Chef Pierre will be flambéed at the Harris Crematorium on Main Street."
"Who had the open faced meatball sub?"
"He could no not abide even one more tourist asking for his filet mignon be served 'well done.'"
"So, our good friend is now off on his next adventure: Running The End Restaurant in Antalya, Turkey."
Not for nothing, but this brilliant comment was, in fact, posted by Anonymouse
"He could no not abide even one more tourist asking for his filet mignon be served 'well done.'"
"Admittingly one of the worst chef's on the planet ... Before you lies his last creation ... 'Cod Sperm with a Wad Sauce'!"
"Burial will be at 3 PM ... The school choir will be singing ... 'Drop it While it's Hot'!"
"Survived by his wife, Play Dough and two children, plus one in the oven. The funeral will be at 3PM for 20 minutes!"
As per his request, his disembodied lower half has been dispersed among your plates this evening. Bone appetit.
One toque over the line, sweet Jesus, one toque over the line.
Enjoy your filet of soul.
His last words were, "Your meal ain't the only thing that's cold."
I know it was posted by Anonymouse 'cause of the typo. Sheesh! I give up!
"He could not abide even one more tourist asking for his filet mignon be served 'well done.'"
"He was temperamental, but he made a great tit and testicle chowder."
Jim Cavanaugh
He's well....done.
"The bugler will now play Tapas."
"During lowering of the casket, the school choir will sing ... 'Drop it While it's Hot'!"
"And ... Chef Jacque was reknowned for his 'Mushroom Cloud Ejackulations'
Welcome "Silence of the Lambs" re-enactors. The next course, the deceased's liver with fava beans.
After stuffing, it rests for eternity.
"He said, 'First it's Dr Sumguy who can't spell braille. Then it's Judge alinla who can't spell braille. I guess it was just a case of the blind leading the blind.' And then he croaked."
He could see it coming through the door as he lifted up his fork.
"Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped!" ......(GM)
"Christ, what a hash soul!"
"Chef Bob told me 'no eulogy'--he wanted a roast"
"As you all know, Chef Jacque was blind and could not spell ... The menu will be in Braelle."
"Remember friends, he died doing what he loved best: Serving over-priced food in tiny portions to self-absorbed yuppies in a trendy downtown eatery."
"I always admired Chef Jacque's discipline and restraint - he limited his offerings to his five best entrees."
"And no complaining about the service here tonight. Yeah, Albert, I'm looking at you."
"Those of you who were served vanilla ice cream, go ahead and eat it. But those of you who got raspberry swirl, that's actually blood. So we'll be collecting those and giving you a cookie plate instead."
"If you enjoyed tonight's production of 'Four Courses and a Funeral,' please join us next week for 'Sex and the Soufflé'"
This is the best we could do.
Tilda Swinton was busy.
"His last wish was ... He'd like a 'Casket Near a Waiter'!"
"After the funeral ... I did see Boneguy playing with his hyoid bone in the men's room!"
"Chef Louis spent four years at L'Ecole de Cuisine and he spent three years at the Culinary Institute of America. However, some critics say he spent seven years in vain."
"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Joe Paterno and this is my friend Jerry who just arrived here this morning. Let me tell you, folks, the recruiting is great here in hell!"
I guess we now know the answer to 'Whatsamatta for you?!"
"In honor of his invention of the turducken, the chef was embalmed with a small elderly woman and a stillborn infant tucked inside of him."
"Who ordered the hit?"
"He died of wounds after being battered at his fish & chip shop!"
"Please bow your heads in homage to Chef Lou Gehrig ... He shoulda seen this coming!"
"Why our beloved Police Chief Tom Harris wanted to be buried in a chef's uniform, we'll never know. But, hey..."
His last wish was to be cremated so God wouldn't send him back to the kitchen complaining he was ice cold.
"He asked that you gaze down at the empty bowls in front of you as I read the words that immortalized his acting career: 'No soup for you!'"
"Thank you for coming. A 20% gratuity has been added to the bill for your convenience."
And he will be remembered for his specialty ... 'Pulled Penis Sandwich' ... It was mouth-watering!"
"Chef put himself completely into his work. In fact, that's his liver in the pate."
"The cause: Death by chocolate."
"A towel rack. I think it would go...something like this."
"In the the end, the sight of someone putting ketchup on his signature dish proved too much for our beloved but temperamental chef..."
"Amen. And now let's raise a toast, a two hundred and some odd pounds piece of toast, and get him the fuck outta here."
"He was into reincarnation, so, with that said, let's call it ... “Pulled Chef”... bon appétit’."
"Does anyone know how to say c'est fin in French?"
OR...
"Does anyone know how to say c'est finis in French?"
"Will tables 4 and 5 now please come up and make their selections?"
"We've lost the chef's ring. Will everyone please check their entree for a small, diamond-encrusted gold band?"
"We will all now go into a conclave and pick the next chef."
"It's never good to be late for your last supper."
"First there was the poison IV and now this. The hors d'oeuvre! The hors d'oeuvre!"
"For our eulogy tonight we have a warm tribute served on a bed of slightly sweetened memories... MIght I suggest the Chardonnay?"
"....and boy are my arms tired. Now take my wife...Please! If they like you in Chicago they let you live. Is this an audience or a painting? It's called a wake, people. WAKE UP!"
Just before he passed he let The Vatican know if they were still looking for a dead Pope, he was all in.
"And now for the main course."
"He's deader than the Met's hopes now that Santana is out."
Jim Cavanaugh
"To answer a question many of you have been asking: Shrimp balls! You have been eating the chef's shrimp balls. Delicious, no?"
"I said flour, not flowers."
"His final request was to serve the city's top restaurant critics one last meal. As you can see, it's a plate of shit."
"There's no food and our chef is dead. Go home already."
Welcome to Cannibal's. Tonight's meat is from a middle aged, well marbled male fed primarily high fat foods diluted with gallons of cheap red table wine and
accented with the smoke of Chinese cigarettes. We suggest pairing with sugar free Red Bull and stale Fritos.
"This is my first urology, so I may need help getting it out."
"Ladies and gentlemen, David Blaine."
"A bier and a toque--that, my friends, is and was Chef Bob"
"I guess he had just run out of thyme..."
"Well, it's time for his just desserts; to finally meet Saviour Spoon and Pie Allah Mode."
"A terrible accident, indeed. But that is the way with French cuisine; there is very little margarine of error."
"Well, it looks like we might be here a while again, so I'm going to flip on the warming lights over him."
If we stack them all on top of each other when we get to Mt. Sinai, maybe we can get at God's prostate.
Pain and foolishness lead to great bliss and complete knowledge, for Eternal Wisdom created nothing under
the sun in vain. See the link below for more info
#vain
www.mocsbar.com
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