WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"The
idea for a more compliant workforce just popped into my head while I
was pounding my sex doll."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: The idea that maybe someday we'll get funnier entries popped
into my head when I read this week's batch, but you work with what
you have. Instead of “sex doll” maybe “inflatable love-mate”
would have given this more street cred, but the intend is clear:
Management favors compliance over competency the way Anti-Cappers
favor juvenile, sexually tinged entries over everything sensible.)
SECOND
PLACE
"Jeez.
I kinda hate to tell him that he's been replaced by an Argentine
Jesuit."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: As is so often the case, there is depth here that may have
eluded the Anti-Capper. The new Pope is an Argentine Jesuit and while
he seems like a breath of fresh air for his apparent disgust at the
opulence that ignores the needy, he is like a wind-up doll when
addressing reproductive rights and marriage equality. Also, he gives
no indication that he will oppose the designated hitter rule. In
other words: More of the same )
THIRD
PLACE
how
are so many anti-cappers missing the other wind-up guy?--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Anti-Cappers missed something? Go figure. This would have
been much better if it began with an uppercase letter and had quote
marks around it to ensure that it was meant as a cap. )
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"It
really sucks around here since Steve Jobs died."--Steve_O
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jobs encouraged
workers to unlock the shackles of conformity. His legacy endures.)
"I
thought these new droids weren't supposed to look at porn."--reid
savid (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: This would have been better if there was any hint that porn
is actually appearing on their screens. OR, reading deeper, maybe
they are tech manuals appearing on the screen which may in fact be
droid porn—just speculating.)
"I
hired a couple of widgets. I hope you don't mind."--Jess
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: A classic pressed into service. Widgets are not typically
robots, but we'll let that slide.)
"The
hours here are byzantine*"
*Relating
to, or characterized by a devious and usually surreptitious manner of
operation (a byzantine power struggle.)--Jess
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Another classic. The need to explain it somehow diminishes
it but also makes sense.)
"So
which one's Keyser Söze?"--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: References an appropriate character from the film, The
Usual Suspects. Also includes those two dots over a letter which
shows attention to detail.)
"Fuck
you!...that's his name. He's from Mitch and Murray and he's on a
mission of mercy."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: And this one is from “Glenn Garry, Glenn Ross.” The
story line deals with marginalized workers so this works a little bit
but they don't seem to be self-loathing. I mean where's Jack Lemmon?)
"They're
wooden soldiers driving Barnaby and his bogeymen from Toyland...using
drones of course."--NAMBY (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: If you are familiar with the 1934 Laurel
and Hardy film “March
of the Wooden Soldiers” and the ongoing drone program – this
makes a little bit of sense.)
I'm
trying to set him up with the pretty blow up doll in accounts
receivable.--boneguy
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Like this week's the winner, but not nearly as good.
Sadly, boneguy's slump continues. )
I can hear the turning of
the key
I’ve been deceived by
the clown inside of me
I thought that he was
righteous but he’s vain
Oh,
something’s a-telling me I wear the ball and chain--JohnnyB
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Here again we see yet another failed effort to out-Dylan the Judge.
This is from an obscure song “Abandoned Love.” Johnny, no doubt,
found that out by Googling “Dylan” and “key.” I found that
out by knowing it. It happens to be one of my favorite Dylan songs.
It also includes these lines: “Everybody’s
wearing a disguise/To hide what they’ve got left behind their
eyes.” In other words “Something is happening here but you don't
know what it is. Do you Mr. B?”)
I
tried giving Johnny B a couple of extra turns but still nothing
funny.--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Your time would be better spent pulling on a bull's tits in
the hopes of drawing milk.)
"We
should just hire Asians because they work this hard with no breaks
anyway. Is this racist enough for the real contest?"--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT:
This references my recent non-contest blog enter. Always nice to see
someone's paying attention.)
Removed
by anticaptioner--Dr
Sumguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Discretion is the better part of valor. I include this to
applaud what was undoubtedly a wise move. You listening, Mr. B?)
Jenkins,
meet al's replacement. I told you a mindless automaton could do
it.--boneguy
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: A mindless automaton with the patience of a saint, a propensity to make type-o's, and, of course, an
encyclopedic knowledge of a lot of shit most people are clueless
about, you mean.)
78 comments:
"His wife has AIDS, again."
"I thought these new droids weren't supposed to look at porn."
Basically , they're screwed.
I say "stop screwing up" at lot less.
If it wasn't for his range anxiety, I'd ask him to lunch.
"I hired a couple of widgets. I hope you don't mind."
"If we're not careful, this is where we'll all wind up."
We have to buy them all key man insurance.
This guy is twisted.
I can hear the turning of the key
I’ve been deceived by the clown inside of me
I thought that he was righteous but he’s vain
Oh, something’s a-telling me I wear the ball and chain
This is a turn key operation.
It's a New Yorker cartoon. There are no Black Keys.
"He's one of our key employees."
"Perhaps you've heard of his family: The Florida Keys?"
"And this department is run by a real backstabber."
"I ask them why they stop working sometimes and they just mutter, 'Spring break...'."
"Bill Buffington, the excutive on the left, is scratching his tiny balls, with his tiny hand, and could care less about Andrewoid #163!"
"I knew one of us Harrison Triplets would make it big one day, but who would've guessed it'd be Jazzbo?"
"For the record, does "Key" rhyme with "Vey?"
"I understand his great-great-grandfather wrote the Canadian Winding Up Act."
"It really sucks around here since Steve Jobs died."
"These aren't the drones you're looking for."
Jim Cavanaugh
"So which one's Keyser Söze?"
“Since we were acquired by Bain, we’re manufacturing all our new executives in China”
I'm trying to set him up with the pretty blow up doll in accounts receivable.
"As you can see, it's literally a turn-key operation."
We recruit exclusively from BYU.
We recruit exclusively from BYU.
"We should just hire Asians because they work this hard with no breaks anyway. Is this racist enough for the real contest?"
Jenkins, meet al's replacement. I told you a mindless automaton could do it.
"The only downside ... An occasional hereditary hydraulic leak that runs in their jeans!"
"A few have disappeared ... We think the're hitting 'Ctrl Alt Delete'!"
I tried giving Johnny B a couple of extra turns but still nothing funny.
"Hey, Harry, what do you make of the fact that a mouse appears in two Contests in a row?"
"The idea for a more compliant workforce just popped into my head while I was pounding my sex doll."
"The hours here are byzantine*"
*Relating to, or characterized by a devious and usually surreptitious manner of operation (a byzantine power struggle.)
It's my new marketing staff. First the wind-up, then the pitch.
"If you remove the key, their 'Petseleh and Nuts' fall off ... It's the best holiday snack...ever!"
Maybe 'Petzel's and Nuts'!
"Don't even think about it. Read the company's sexual harassment policy."
"I don't know how good he is, but I like the cut of his jib. And that key."
"Yes, studies have shown that having your replacement just feet away makes for a more efficient worker."
"I think Jenkins is wound a bit too tight."
"We were going to stick the keys someplace else. However, the union reserved that orifice for their own use."
"His key is rotating counterclockwise! ... We think he's gay! ... Push in his stool!"
"As you can see, it's been our key to success."
Welcome to the Museum of the Great Recession. You are looking at our first permanent installation, a faithful recreation of The Country Wide Robo-Signing Division.
"Jeez. I kinda hate to tell him that he's been replaced by an Argentine Jesuit."
"They're wooden soldiers driving Barnaby and his bogeymen from Toyland...using drones of course."
"This is Peter Vey but we call him P.C. because he works at a personal computer."
"Now don't fall for it when Johnson asks you to twist his crank."
"Everybody thinks it's rehab ... But ... It's actually a 'Crank Lab'!"
Removed by anticaptioner
"He used to be a keynote speaker until he lost his notes."
It's not every day you see the Romney boys all in one place.
"I had this wind-up woman once who ended up accusing me of date-rape. I mean, you could still see it turning a little bit."
"Changing their batteries led to harassment complaints, so..."
"On the org chart, he's under Warren T."
"C-section baby or she's dead."
"Dick here once got recalled when he was deemed a choking hazard."
"This is Tom. As you can see from his surgically-implanted tag, he was employee number eight. What a trooper. Well, anyhow... Let's get out of here and grab some more caviar and champagne at Le Riche Fuquades."
Mr. Machine, all growed up.
"He can't blow himself either."
I'm just the oily slick
On the windup world of the nervous tic
In a very fashionable hovel
"This is why Marissa doesn't allow any of us to work at home anymore"
how are so many anti-cappers missing the other wind-up guy?
"Oh, I get it: office workers are automatons in cubicles! Gosh, that trope never gets old! I bet their handles are a symbol of the infinite repetitions of it I could enjoy! Now if only my tie had a cute little curl in it, I could forget about the fact that our hands are smaller than our noses!"
"Our biggest problem ... Every time they hit the 'Colon' key they defecate!"
"Where DID you think SPAM came from?"
"They know they are dead but every day they show up for work."
"Their purpose is to make sure we don't run out of wind up keys."
"They all look alike?"
"Yup, they defecate right in their chairs as if they're playing slots at a casino."
"The best part is mid management is now scared shitless."
How many swastikas can you count in this blatantly anti-semitic cartoon published by the "racist" New Yorker?
"Jew eat yet? The commissary's whipped up some pig's knuckles with bacon bits in a nice reduction sauce."
"You should see him go when I put my big crank in him."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Our employees are a bit wound up."
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