WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"The
procedure is very routine, I'd even call it pedestrian."--Dex
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A great cap because
it is both obvious and ironic. Just so you know: This contest was
posted some time in December 2012 and these results are being posted
in February 2013. I mention that for the sake of full disclosure but
I want to make it clear that I don't know and don't care what the
actually winning entry was. Still, this could have won. That's all
I'm saying.)
SECOND
PLACE
According
to the Bloomberg Health guidelines, you've eaten your last piece of
meat.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
NYC's mayor-for-life acts like a third world dictator. He gets away
with it because he looks like a kindly neighbor who favors cardigans.
I don't like him even if he keeps the trains running on time.)
THIRD
PLACE
"Next,
duck into that alley and give me your shorts ... That way I'll have
urine, blood, semen, and fecal samples!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: So he is bleeding, shitting and pissing in his pants while
also ejaculating? I'm with you so far. But isn't that is a unique fetish. Reminds me of a joke: Why
is urine yellow and semen white? So you can tell if you are coming or
going.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"I
prefer to treat acute flatulence in a pedestrian manner."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: On a windy day, one
would assume.)
You're
having problems with your joints? Let me roll you one.--boneguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I have often
wondered if this regular Anti-Capper's name means what I think it
means. Now I know.)
Although
doing a rectal exam remains a significant challenge, I've got the got
the al fresco yearly physical pretty much nailed.--boneguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is included
because it is the rare cap that includes the word “al” but does
not appear to be mocking the judge.)
"Heart
of mine, go back home
You got no reason to wander, no reason to
roam"--RZ (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
“If you can't do the time, don't do the crime, heart of mine.”
And yes, I know what RZ stands for.)
“You
see me on the street, you always act surprised
You say, "How
are you? Good luck," but you don't mean it
When you know as
well as me you'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come
out once and scream it?”
---Bobby Z (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: I really do wish that for just one time you could stand
inside my shoes [which are usually Reebok sneakers] )
I'm
not shitting you, al. There is proven correlation between erectile
dysfunction and procrastination.--boneguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Never mistake motion for progress or a hand-job for the real
thing—I always say. )
"Oh,
good, Al is doing us next - hey, don't get a heart-on over
it!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Hold still. I'll do ya!)
“Sorry,
al . . . I am detecting no heartbeat in there whatsoever . . . your
street cred has expired.”
---blw
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: That which
has never existed cannot expire. I think Spock said that once to
Kirk.)
56 comments:
Obamacare Treadmill!
"Next, duck into that alley and give me your shorts ... That way I'll have urine, blood, semen, and fecal samples!"
At least someone in this town has a heart.
Yes, that's John Cleese behind us.
Yes I used to play the violin on this sidewalk. Raised enough money to realize my dream of going to med school and becoming a street MD. You were supposed to throw money in that cup you peed in.
"Your vitals are normal but your right jaw is fractured."
"Pretty strong spike when we went through the gay area. Wouldn't hurt to tack on an HIV test now, would it?"
I believe we have come full circle.
"You're finally calming down after the encounter with that sheep guy in the subway. Calling him 'Pimp!' blew off some steam."
"I prefer to treat acute flatulence in a pedestrian manner."
And here's the best thing about healthy organs. You can harvest them year round.
Although doing a rectal exam remains a significant challenge, I've got the got the al fresco yearly physical pretty much nailed.
"We're coming up on 'Germantown' ... I'd advise the 'Goose step'!"
"NOW ... Cough,Pee,Defecate, and Ejaculate! .. It's 'Times Square' ... No one will notice!"
"Hmmm. So, you say this only occurs when you pass by a cafe with a fancy awning? Hmmm..."
"See the lady in front of us ... That's McAfee!"
"You have Mycobacterium avium complex with acute nonlymphoblastic disease, which is mumbo-jumbo for dead man walking."
I don't care what the window sign says, you are not "SAFE". I need to complete the exam. Bend over.
I don't understand how you are still walking around with the back of your head blown off, Mr. President, but we've got to get you back to Parkland Memorial right away.
"Don't mind me; I'm just an incurable titty twister."
"The procedure is very routine, I'd even call it pedestrian."
"Yes, it's true I don't make housecalls . . . but I do make sidewalk calls."
---blw
"As your 'Pedestriatrician' I'm going out on a limb! ... You have 'SlowDown's Syndrome'!" ... Watch for 'Mongoloid Feces' ...... never mind.
1. Walk together in lockstep down sidewalk holding end of stethoscope in left hand with left arm bent at 90 degrees and resting on patients right shoulder while left elbow applies pressure to right side of patients jaw.
2. Continue walking past curb into moving traffic.
"You know there's an app for this, right?"
"Your 'lub' of the 'lub-dub' and your 'dub' of the 'dub-lub' ... are backwards!" ... Wait ... It's my stethoscope!
"All I'm getting is 'ka ching, ka ching, ka ching! I must be in your wallet!"
According to the Bloomberg Health guidelines, you've eaten your last piece of meat.
"It's not too early to call it, Mr. Rove, you're toast."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Just hand over the briefcase full of money and keep walking."
Jim Cavanaugh
You're having problems with your joints? Let me roll you one.
Sure it's been challenging. But office overhead has never been lower.
"Take this stethoscope. You'll need it to crack the safe, which is in the building marked 'SAFE'."
"Don't be alarmed; I'm from Doctors Without Personal Borders."
"This would have been much easier if you were still wearing the hospital gown."
"Next time I get to play Doctor and you carry the cash!"
"Don't do anything rash! ... That's 'Judge Judy' in front of us!"
"It's Heart Wrenching! ... If Princess Diana's heart was in the right place ... Why was it found on the dashboard!"
I'm not shitting you, al. There is proven correlation between erectile dysfunction and procrastination.
"Oh Shit! ... 'GAFE' ... Quick ... 2 hops forward, skip square 4, right foot on home!"
"Oh, the costs will be considerable but Obama care said it wanted to be billed."
"I can't hold my arm up like this much longer."
"Once your pulse slows almost to a stop, I'll submit this anti-caption of yours."
no mr bond i expect you to die
"Heart of mine, go back home
You got no reason to wander, no reason to roam"
Either a subway train just passed by or your mitral valve is hanging by a thread.
"Your 'Check Engine Light' is on ... I'm taking you to AAMCO!"
"Heart's good. Now let's check that prostate!"
"Return to the hospital, immediately. Your discharge was premature."
“Sure the waiting room is inconvenient . . . but look at ‘em . . . in motion, moving, keeping up the heart rate . . .”
---Dr. Oz
“Bad news, cowboy . . . you’ve got Keith Moon in there going crazy solo in a Lawrence Welk chest cavity . . . good thing we’re on the street.”
---left coast wayne
"It's my professional opinion that you have one. Your wife will be pleasantly surprised."
“Sorry, al . . . I am detecting no heartbeat in there whatsoever . . . your street cred has expired.”
---blw
“You see me on the street, you always act surprised
You say, "How are you? Good luck," but you don't mean it
When you know as well as me you'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once and scream it?”
---Bobby Z
"Oh, good, Al is doing us next - hey, don't get a heart-on over it!"
"Well, Mr. Johnson, you passed the Standing in One Place for Six Weeks test."
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