WINNERS
"Are you becoming a bed or not?" --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very crafty. No doubt inspired by tiny little NY
apartments. The take away: Their place is so small the dude doubles as an easy
chair, which, in turn, converts to a bed. [Or as Rodney Dangerfield used to say:
"So small you have to go out side to change your mind."] The woman of course
does double duty as wife and curfew enforcer. [Note the hands on hips.] It's an
awkward arrangement for everyone.)
SECOND
PLACE
No sex until
you put on a plastic slip cover! --cubshlub (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Insightful and
provocative yet in a childish, clumsy kind of way. It's similar to a
finalist in the "real contest" which says: “My sister’s coming over. You could
at least throw on a slipcover.” [I predict it will win. Congrats to Karen Parker
of Troy, Mich. if it does.] What makes that cap work is the "throw on" part. It
confirms that it will take the guy only a few moments to make himself semi-presentable. It also tells us that she is the beleaguered wife of a couch
potato-slob. In a similar vein, the anti-cap here would work better if, instead
of "put on," it said "agree to wear." Prissy upper-middleclass men "wear"
condoms [not "use" and certainly not "throw on"]. Makes it sounds like a fashion choice.
It's all in how you phrase these things is what I'm trying to say. Still, a darn
good cap.)
THIRD PLAVE
"I'm beat. Are you
ready to turn into bed?"--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very similar to [but
not as good as] the winner. Still, Jim is a regular Anti-Capper who has
demonstrated a great affinity for dumb puns and classic caps. My guess: He is
actually very smart and witty but only enters the lamest caps imaginable as a
means of mocking the contest and, by extension, all that we hold dear. Lets give
him a bronze for this.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"I want sex; switch
off The Simpsons. It's my turn to see a couch gag." --Damon (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: A long reach and a brilliant pun, but there are some issues. If your
partner gags during sex [or, even worse, just before] it is seldom a compliment,
and if this is meant to suggest the couch guy is going to choke because of
aggressive oral sex, we can only assume the woman is a pre-op transsexual who,
as it happens, is particularly well endowed. Also, as long as we are being
honest, I found the semi-colon pretentious.)
"I said turn it
down or it's the plastic slipcovers." --Mrs. Davenport (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here
the woman threatens to make him wear slipcovers as a punishment of some type.
Kind of kinky. We like that. But wouldn't the covers make it even more difficult
for him to hear and thus give him cause to up the volume even more? This contest
draws illogical caps the way dog shit draws flys.)
Former NFL flop Tim Couch
studies game film in preparation for yet another comeback bid. --Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not completely unfunny. There is indeed a failed QB with that
unfortunate last name. If his name had been Tebow, he would have gotter
further. Also "former flop" is only accurate if you are no longer a flop.)
"Our son just called.
He's been made chair of his department." --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Proof that even lazy dads can raise successful kids. A
chip of the old rocker, I suppose.)
"Shut up, Bob,
everyone knows your cover is a slip-on." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The least
lame of the classics submitted. Tiny point: They seem to be alone so who's "everyone?")
"Sit Fully? You crazy barcalounger! How are
you?" --Sam Antic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes you gave as a classic but at what cost?
)
"Philadelphia experiment,
you crazy bastard. What the fuck happened?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A
reference to an old debunked story about the navy developing stealth technology to hide a
warship in WWII. Nice historical reference with a very modest
payoff)
Obama did promise us
loose change.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A seldom used mini-classic. Reminds
me of the anti-Barry bumper stick that says "You can keep the change." I HOPE
they use their CHANGE to buy more sour grapes--maybe another four year supply. )
"Does his majesty now plan to conquer the
ottoman empire?" --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No one does sarcasm like a neglected
spouse. This refers to the ruling authority that prevailed in Turkey for more
than 500 years. It is also references a thing on which you rest your feet.
That's why this pun works a little bit.)
"Hey, chair man Mao, isn't it time you turned into bed?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Get it? He's a
chair AND a man which makes him a chain-MAN --just like that old Chinese guy you
see in crossword puzzles all the time. "A" for effort
Glenn.)
"Al, if you moved your extremely wide ass
away from the television set, you might find the time to judge the anti-cap
contest. By the way, JohnnyB said you were quite comfortable last night, albeit
drab and outdated and could stand to be a few inches longer." -- I'm Going to Go
Sleep with the Sofa (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I shouldn't even dignify this type of
juvenile douche bag crap with a comment, but if I applied that standard across
the board the contest would be kaput. Oh, and the jokes on you because I park my
remarkable firm butt [for a guy my age, I mean] in front of the TV for several
hours while I sift through the thicket. I think of it as the intellectual
equivalent of hip boots.)
"Alinla called. He said judging this
contest is the highlight of his fortnight." --Celie Posturepedic (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Why would a guy shaped like a couch NOT have a phone beside him? More
perplexing: Why would I call such a person and leave a message for someone who
can not leave? More important: What the hell is a "fortnight?")
