WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"He says he's running for president and needs to relate to the average man. I say let's shit in his drink and beat the snot out of him. I say that'saverage enoudg."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: More keen eyed political commentary but this one is also a bit over the top. Although it is certainly not unheard of, there are very few reported instances of people actually defecating into someone's beverage. By no means is it "average" behavior--at least not yet. Also a writing tip: Because you went with "shit" right out of the box you had nothing else to beat out of him but "snot." Maybe if you had said "piss in his beverage" you could then go on to beat the shit out of him. This way you would have something that works better linguistically and logistically.)
THIRD PLACE
"He wants to marry our Blgnuk. How can he provide for her if he can't throw a spear? Besides, he's not even Jewish."--Neander Thalburg (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This reminds us that Jewish moms have been kvetching since the beginning of time, but even back then she would be delighted that her bubala found a suit and tie guy. [And so handsome!] One housekeeping note: This was entered three times [!] but only the first time did it include the "Besides, he's not even Jewish" part, which is clearly the lynch-pin of the cap. So let's not over do it, okay?)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"They didn't finish erasing an older cartoon. Just pretend he's a rock."--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At first this seems like just another mail-it-in, lame cap from a once-respected anti-capper who now struggles with personal demons--but look closer and it is a pointed barb at lazy-ass NYer cartoonists whose distaste for the Caption Contest is obvious. All this cartoonist did was take a guy from the fifties and stick him into a cave. [We know he's from the fifties because he is smoking, drinking a martini AND has a thin tie.] The caption suggests that they simply recycle the images erasing and redrawing as needed. Maybe boneguy is on the verge of a comeback.)
Whoops... last cap was mine --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was added one minute after Jim entered this cap: "He says our lives will be better if we lower his taxes. I say we go along with him until someone discovers logic." First off: logic, common sense and fair play where all discovered long before this type of reasoning took hold, but the rich are better at getting their message out. More important, it is a rare degree of narcissism pride that compels someone to go back and assure they are properly credited in this contest. The "Whoops...last cap was mine" part gets a nod because only a primitive person would say such a thing.)
"He called it a 'centerfold' and promised that it would be a tasteful shot"--David Macharelli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hef got many girls to pose with that line of reasoning. Funny thing: whenever Playboy does a cave girl theme they drape a lion cloth over a stunning blonde who is perfectly made up and has silky smooth shaved legs--to keep it real they mess up her hair a little, but not too much. I've done my research, is all I'm saying.)
"I have a mind to tell him to get out of my chair."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to a previous winner who was never heard from again. I assume by now she has out grown this type of thing. What's your excuse Kathy?)
"Keep an open mind, Holgar. He calls it 'manscaping' and I think he'son to something."--Air Stein (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Holgar no like hygiene. Holgar like Red Sox.)
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"Christ, what a wormhole!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A cute little nod to a quasi-classic. )
"Christ, what a wormhole!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A cute little nod to a quasi-classic. )
"That's right, Fred. Mr. Hanna here says that if you ditch the beard, he can get us a TV series."--Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A slightly vague reference to William Hanna who together with partner Joseph Barbera hatched The Flintstones. He was a total Hollywood pro who would never cast an unknown for the lead, so this too is bogus.)
Somewhere in small town America, circa 1959:
"Get used to your hand, OogOog McCavedouche."--Penelope (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As is often the case with lazy cartoonists, the hand is not drawn well. This cap would not merit attention accept for the response it engendered.)
Hate to enter a non-caption, but what are the odds Penelope would enter a caption with a "hand" reference 2 minutes before mine? To top it off, he/she signs their last name "Cavedouche", a nickname that I have been affectionately called by some of my "friends" over the years.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cavedouche does have a nice ring to it and seems strangely fitting. I did some checking, Jim, and confirmed that the entry preceding yours was send from a computer in your home--in the basement. Be scared Jim. Be very, very sacred.)
"Don't worry. It's just one of Don Draper's dream sequences. It'll be over in a minute."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A dedicated Mad Man viewer, Mrs. alinla confirms that Don does have dream things, but she has no recollection of time travel. The important thing is: Tim's creative juices are flowing. One day soon he is bound to enter something worth while.)
"The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one....Well that's what he told me anyway. So I let him fuck me. He says his name's Don Draper."--Peggy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is actually something Don said on the show. It is unlikely that he would go back in time to make it with a cave-woman, but if he did she would probably be married and he would likely have a martini and a cigarette afterward. So this long winded cap has some bit of value. )
"Honey, you didn't catch my Jules Verne."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes. It was caught. I gave it to my friend Ben Dover.)
75 comments:
"Corg sorry, but he give fire if I blow him. some things never change."
"Liar Liar Pants On ... What should we call this?"
"He's saying our print media skills are becoming obsolete."
"I know ... Let's call it 'Friar' after an earlier Caption Contest winner!"
"He called it a 'centerfold'and promised that it would be a tasteful shot"
"He wants to download his file into my folder while you're not watching."
"It's his man cave, Org, and we're his guests, so stop scratching your balls."
"Don't worry. It's just one of Don Draper's dream sequences. It'll be over in a minute."
"I have a mind to tell him to get out of my chair."
"Morg, don't make eye contact! ... He's SOOO Flaming Gay!"
"All he keeps saying is Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco."
"They didn't finish erasing an older cartoon. Just pretend he's a rock."
It looks like the Paul Ryan budget has worked out well for Paul Ryan.
"Yes, I agree that a pocket square is so pretentious, but let's just keep it to ourselves, OK?"
"Keep an open mind, Holgar. He calls it 'manscaping' and I think he's on to something."
"He mentioned something called Prohibition and wanting to try our hooch; I made him a martini."
"Think he knows what we mean by 'have him for dinner'?"
"What's a three-way?"
He says our cave is in foreclosure and that if freeway underpasses existed, we could go live there.
"Look, he's the only traveling Spackle® salesman in these parts. And from the looks of these walls, I think we should hear him out."
He's a big wheel. You're fired.
"He says what this place could use is a nice Christopher Weyant."
"Go invent the door and lock yourself out."
He says your wheel-thingie idea is impossible to monetize, but he's offering a couple of pelts as a favor.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Christ, what a wormhole!"
He says he's eaten a debutante or two. It turns out we do have something in common.
"Rrrk mak px pryq!"
"He says for $20.99 a month we can get 'Home Fire Delivery', and he'll throw in bottled water!"
"Well, Ug did promise change."
"Let's all beat it before Batman Returns."
"That's right, Fred. Mr. Hanna here says that if you ditch the beard, he can get us a TV series."
"Gosh, but Wayne Manor looks so much like home. Where's Alfred with that antelope?"
"Honey, you didn't catch my Jules Verne."
"Get used to your hand, OogOog McCavedouche"
"30,000 years from now, when his cursor changes into the shape of a hand, it will fit perfectly over your bare neck." (Anyone else notice this?)
Jim Cavanaugh
Hate to enter a non-caption, but what are the odds Penelope would enter a caption with a "hand" reference 2 minutes before mine? To top it off, he/she signs their last name "Cavedouche", a nickname that I have been affectionately called by some of my "friends" over the years.
Jim Cavanaugh
I'd say the odds are 100% and, by the way, it's "McCavedouche" to you!
Says his name's Cavedouche. James Cavedouche.
"He wants to marry our Blgnuk. How can he provide for her if he can't throw a spear? Besides, he's not even Jewish."
"He'll give us 4 wildebeest and 88 chickens for the entire spread. This gentrification business is getting way out of hand."
"He was nowhere near as good as you, honey. I say we eat the sonofabitch."
"He wants to marry out Blgnuk. How can he provide for her if he can't throw a spear?"
"He's enamored with the smell of my muff, dear. Will you excuse us a moment?"
He says thanks to our median life expectancy of 24.75 years, second hand smoke isn't really an issue.
"He's come from the future to apologize for Americanizing our fine family name to McCavendish."
"He can turn his olive inside out with his tongue. What've you got??"
"He's my brother and I say he stays."
"He says there's a whole world of amazing technology right outside this cave. Unless we're stupid enough to go Amish."
"The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one....Well that's what he told me anyway. So I let him fuck me. He says his name's Don Draper."
"He wants to marry our Blgnuk. How can he provide for her if he can't throw a spear?"
"I learn something new from him every day. Today I discovered I'm allergic to latex."
"I learn something new from him every day. Today I find out that having 18 kids could have totally been avoided."
"You knocked me out cold with a club. Douglas here gave me a Bentley, which, by the way, we'll be driving back to the future. Say goodbye to the kids for me, huh?"
"I think Rudolph is more of a 'gatherer'."
He represents a couple of tap dancing dinosaurs and is looking for investors.
"He says our lives will be better if we lower his taxes. I say we go along with him until someone discovers logic."
Whoops... last cap was mine
Jim Cavanaugh
"He's making a porno sequel to 'Quest for Fire', called 'Fire Down Below'!'
"He'd like us to star in his new sequel 'Request for Fire'! His past credits with stars in parentheses include ... 'The Towering Ember' (Gary Coleman), 'Deep Impact' (Roseanne Barr), 'Post Impact' (Kathleen Turner), 'The Black Hole' (Queen Lativa), 'Species II' (Danny Divito), 'Hard Rain' (Claud Raines), and 'Tremors' (Willie Nelson)!
Back to the contest... She says, "Next time I get to invite an old college friend." Mike Kelley
He says Archaeopteryx is this year's Elopteryx.
"If he's the one percent, we must be the two percent."
Somewhere in small town America, circa 1959:
"My agent says the Wilma role would be a huge break for me. I would have to move to Bedrock, though."
"I dunno. What does 'gay' mean?"
"He's a recruiter for 'The Church Of The Latter Day Saints', and want's to know if we're black!"
Whoa - First, it was "fire" and then the "wheel," I bet that next he's gonna say that he can get us a "no income verified - no money down - below prime interest rate 40 year fixed mortgage on this dump!
"He says he used to be the President of France -- whatever that is -- and that he and his hot wife are looking for a foursome -- whatever that is."
"He says he's running for president and needs to relate to the average man. I say let's shit in his drink and beat the snot out of him. I say that's average enoudg."
"He wants to know if we have any lemon twists or olives."
"Give him a chance. Would you like to taste the cream pie we made while were out failing as a hunter?"
Somehow Seat Guru never works for me.
"He's from PETA. He's here to confiscate our entire wardrobe."
"Mr. Gere wants to know if we still raise gerbils."
"He's not wearing a hood, if you know what I mean."
"Well at least he's not as prissy as that Dick Cavett fellow."
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