WINNERSFIRST PLACE
"Of course I'll get the promotion; the boss knows I'm a climber." --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Bosses are more interested in sheep. This would win the real contest if the judges over there had any intellectual honesty. It wins here because Mrs. alinla laughed out loud when I read it to her. Good enough for me. )
SECOND PLACE
It's a blur really. I followed her to school one day. Next thing I know, I'm getting an MBA. And now...now I'm just another douche in a suit." --Where's Mary (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This will hit home for those wondering what ever happened to the little lamb that followed Mary to school that fateful day. Still, it's kind of a disconnect; like Cher's adorable little blond-haired girl growing up to become a heavy set unshaven man. Like this week's winner, this cap makes a comment on the parallels between farm animals and white collar workers. Noted.)
THIRD PLACE
"Well, Faust. The only souls left to take belong to insufferable cretins. I guess that means I win." --David Macharelli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not the first time David has entered some kind of smarty- pants cap that advances his cynicism and use of big words. "Faustian," describes those who surrender moral integrity to gain power and success: the proverbial "deal with the devil. As you ponder your future entries this may be something to think about David.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Really, I'm more embarrassed that I wore capris today." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah, that's it: The only thing the guy with the horns sticking out of his head needs is longer pants. Remember what Mark Twain said: Humans are the only animals that blush, or need to.)
"My wife won't give me a blowjob unless there's mint jelly."-- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Alot cheaper than dinner at Outback Steakhouse, that's all I have to say about that. )"I can't quit ewe."--Ennis (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An obvious pun mingled with a line from the film Brokeback Mountain. The actual line, of course, is "I wish I could quit you." And, yes, that's the way I feel about ewe-all.)
So after I told her, "Ewe, EWE, Ewe, Ewe, EWE!!!- I wanna talk about me.." that's when she said I was "mutton to her..." --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The shift from upper case to lower case adds nothing to this cap but the effort is appreciated.)
"Every time I want to have sex, the wife says she's on her period. I'm like, 'Damn, bitch! You gon' bleat to death!'" --Lamb Chop's Play-Along (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This makes the cut not because "bleat" sounds like "bleed," but because the man with horns sticking out of his head can't figure out why he doesn't get laid.)
"I think it was best said on 'New Morning' . . . 'if not for ewe' . . ."--bobby z (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Evokes some of the most flattering love-song-lyrics ever penned [Dylan or otherwise]: "I wouldn't have a clue if not for you...And you know it's true.")
The tragedy is that I'm a Niners fan. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The horns do recall the helmet of the Rams, an NFL team that left L.A. and was never heard from again.)
"Shofar, so good." --Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nimble word play with an ethnic slant. Nice one Dex.)
"No, Mr. Baaaaaaand, I expect you to diveaaaaaaast." --Rami Shenkar (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The only variation I could think of was: "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die of embarrassment." )
The hours here are ovine --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Johnny submits a classic...Johnny gets props. That's just how it works. )
So then Bob says, "You shut up, Rahm, everyone knows your horns are strap ons." --JohnnyB
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: ...and Johnny reaches deeper and comes up with what may be the best classic cap we've seen in a long, long time.)
New York Is My Campus. Fordham Is My School."-- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This one hit home. Without clicking the link, I knew instantly that it was reference to the NYC's Fordham University. Their sport teams are called the Rams. When I was sports editor of my college newspaper, after a basketball blowout I wrote the headline: "Seahawks Pound Rams." This reminded me of that.)
I'm from LA, originally --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another reference to the NFL team that fled L.A. for St. Louis. Further proof that Johnny knows his shit.)
"Why does everybody keep calling you Beavis?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminds us once again that there really was not much difference between Beavis and Butthead.)
It's still only Monday. al got fired. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Your point being...?)
71 comments:
It's still only Monday. al got fired.
"Shofar, so good."
"It's a blur really. I followed her to school one day. Next thing I know, I'm getting an MBA. And now...now I'm just another douche in a suit."
"I can't quit ewe."
It's been hell getting laid. On the plus side, my balance has never been better.
"No, Mr. Baaaaaaand, I expect you to diveaaaaaaast."
The tragedy is that I'm a Niners fan.
"I missed 2 payments on my Ram Charger"!
"I feel like everyone is wearing me out, literally, either 100 percent or in a blend."
"Hi, I'm Leo- I'm an Aries who's got Cancer."
It's been my lifelong dream to be a satyrist.
"And then, there's the 'Mary had a little Lamb', paternity suit!"
"The Viking hat is not so bad, but now I'm starting to grow braids!"
"He acts like he's never seen anyone in culottes before."
New York Is My Campus. Fordham Is My School."
I've always been the goat
-to guy in the office but the headaches are awful!
The boss asked me to laminate some stuff over martinis at lunch and i woke up like this! also my butt hurts!
So after I told her, "Ewe, EWE, Ewe, Ewe, EWE!!!- I wanna talk about me.." that's when she said I was "mutton to her..."
"I was watching Hellboy! ... Had a seizure! ... And I've been like this ever since!"
"P.S. ... Masterbating with the Right Hand of Doom ... is ... eegh greauhooaaahhhh!!!
"You work for Trojan? That's nice. They turned my youngest daughter into a box of condoms."
I've had it up to here with my boss. All we do is butt heads.
"I liked it better when our cheerleaders were called the Embraceable Ewes."
"I'm horny. Ewe?"
"My shorning stylist? ... George Shearing!"
"And my favorite movie is ... 'Silence of the Ewe's, starring Meryl Sheep!"
I'm suing the fire escape manufacturers for discrimination.
They massacred the buffalo kitty-corner from the bank. I fear my kind might be next.
"Do you know how hard it is to find proper uncloven hands in this town?"
"Thank God they were only looking for a scapegoat."
"Your sidewalks and briefcases. They frighten me. Much like the Hungry Like a Wolf video from early mTV."
"Boy, I'd give my left nut for a good pair of woolen socks. Make that, just socks."
"Dammit! The last time I stepped on a crack in the sidewalk, I got turned into a ram!"
"I got tired of kissing butt."
"Baa ram ewe, baa ram ewe, to your breed, your fleece, your clan be true."
"Really, I'm more embarrassed that I wore capris today."
So my first thought was, "How hard could it be to be a publicist for the signs of the Zodiac?"
"Remember that card 'Hippo Birdie, Two Ewe...'? Well, I wrote that."
"My doctor recommended o-ram-a therapy to treat my dyslexia."
"Try writing 'head butt' if you're dyslexic."
"My wife's kosher, and I'm unorthodox."
I'm from LA, originally
The hours here are ovine
"Really? It shows when you're horny?"
"Of course I'll get the promotion; the boss knows I'm a climber."
"Once there was a silly old ram
Thought he'd punch a hole in a dam
No one could make that ram scram
He kept buttin' that dam.
Yes, I had high hopes."
"I think it was best said on 'New Morning' . . . 'if not for ewe' . . ."
---bobby z
“Yes, it’s true I have the #2 pick in the upcoming draft . . . but I may trade it away for even better prospects . . . god, I wish we were still in LA.”
---Jeff Fisher
I goddamn near slash my wrists every morning trimming my sideburns.
"There's an old Montana saying. ... "Where men are men, and sheep are nervous"! ... That's why I came to New York!"
"My back is killing me! I was never ment to be a bipedal walker! ... However I could use a walker, any walker ... Preferably a Johnnie Walker!"
"Tough day. Our economic forecaster wants to stare at my entrails."
"It's just so difficult to break into a bull or a bear market here on Wall Street . . . and these damned culottes!?!?!? You tell me?!?!?"
---left coast wayne
"At least Im able to toot my own horn!"
"How was I to know that public defecation was frowned upon?"
"I was better off when it was hinds, hinds and dad."
The New Yorker cartoonist's attempt at satyr.
"I'd just like to know why, whenever there's some crisis, everyone wants to blame me?"
"Well, Faust. The only souls left to take belong to insufferable cretins. I guess that means I win."
"So you like the mutton chops? The goatee just wasn't . . . me, somehow."
"I may not be so hot on Wall Street, but I'm a madman between the sheeps."
"It's from the Armani Pedal-Pusher line of suits for Spring. Did you know there are ruffled day-of-the-week boxer briefs available exclusively at Target? I'm wearing 'Wednesday'."
“It’s always bull market this and bear market that. I’m tired of it. How about a ‘ram market’ for a change??? Yeah, that’s right . . . and these culottes are just the ticket, my cloven foot in the door.”
---blw
“Silence of the lambs??? No more, bro! That’s right, you’re about to hear the roar of the rams!!! That’s what I’m sayin’ . . . get used to it, sucker!!! . . . Say, could I borrow your shoes? These cloven hooves on concrete are killin’ me.”
---left coast wayne
“It’s always the bears and the bulls around here. They may be stubborn as mules, but I’m tired of this horseshit. I thought I was the cat’s meow, but I’m just another little sheep who’s lost his way in this dog-eat-dog world. I’m really tired of being the goat. C’mon, people, throw me a bone . . .”
---blw
So then Bob says, "You shut up, Rahm, everyone knows your horns are strap ons."
"Why does everybody keep calling you Beavis?"
The reason you haven't seen me before is I usually work only Satyrdays.
Management, shmanagement. My style is to butt heads and kick butts.
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