WINNERSFIRST PLACE
Ohhhh her - ??? New hire named "Penny" - she's purported an expert at predicting downtrends---.Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Many people mistakenly believe that it was Chicken Little who said the sky is falling. This cap is slightly impressive because it accurately credits Henny Penny. Even so, Penny was, of course, wrong, so why would anyone hire her for her forecasting skills?)
SECOND PLACE
Sorry, Jim, Miss Prissy complained about your constant "crossing the road jokes." I'm going to have to fire you for seggsual harassment.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Eggactly the type of cheap laugh you expect from the Anti Cap's answer to Shecky Greene. Nicely done, sir.)
THIRD PLACE
"Say what you will, but that chicken just won a Pulletzer Prize." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ironically it was for investigative reporting. Happens in newspapers all the time.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Caution! Greek Orthodox Archbishop crossing --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This seems to be a reference to the ridiculously big hats they wear--how else to explain it?)
"He says, he says he's not ready for the presentation, but he'll wing it. That's a joke, son."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yosemite Sam was a redneck asshole. There is at least one in every work place. This reminds us of that.)
"Ahhh, it's just Belichick stealing our algorithms." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggests that the New England Patriots coach and admited cheater, Bill Belichick, is a coward. I like it.)
"Isosceles! You crazy bastard. How are you?" --Sammie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic nod. No time to Google this. No doubt it makes sense to someone. )
The hours here are scalene.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic but I don't get this one either.).
"Fea-thery, you crazy baster! How are you?"-- Sarah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I was thinking "Cacciatore you crazy bastard..." )
Enter Password: canthony666Repeat Password: ...........Remove Bra: (o)(o) --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: More office hijinks. The paper trail would be an issue for HR. )
Even my slaveish (sic) devotion to this contest won't get me to bother with a dead link graphic. Nuff said. --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes Glenn, I misspelled a word, thanks for rubbing my nose in it. )
They finally found al folded like a pretzel in her cloaca. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who exactly was in the search party? And what made them look in the exact place they knew I would be?)
I don't like it either, but al gave you ample warning."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Countless memos were sent explaining to these people that they were going to replaced with chickens. This has happened at many mid-sized newspapers. )
Nervous anti-cappers wait to see if al can run a post pattern two weeks in a row.....--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Done. )
"Curiouser and curiouser. First there was the interminable wait for contest results. Then the no-show of the chalk outline guy. Then the brief appearance of the chicken in a cubicle in a wrongly-numbered contest. Now this. Is it the first sign of the apocalypse? Were the Mayans right?? Is there a fatal disconnect in the time-space continuum??? Might a Republican candidate win???? Will it all end with an exclamation point????? What's it all mean, al? You have the answers. Tell us before we all die . . ."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The multiple question marks tip-off the obvious: I am being mocked yet again.)
Al is not dead, he's in recovery.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, I'm in denial.)
121 comments:
They finally found al folded like a pretzel in her cloaca.
"He must've pressed Ctrl-M!"
“I knew Contest #317 and this is no Contest #317.”
---Dd
“Oh, sure, they call it Contest #317 . . . but we all know that contest is under that damned hen, flatter than a pancake, hardly even an outline of its former self.”
---Dd, Jr.
"He says, he says he's not ready for the presentation, but he'll wing it. That's a joke, son."
"Who ordered the "Harry & David" gift basket?"
al bin lobotomized?
[Beginning of Mitt Romney's New Hampshire "victory" speech on TelePromTer]
"I love the smell of firing people in the morning. It smells like Victory!"
Caution! Greek Orthodox Archbishop crossing
Who says you can't put a trapezoid and oval peg in a triangular hole?
After seeing that psychologist, I feel like a whole new chalk outline!
Yeah - I agree there's nothing worse than sitting next to a "cock watcher-"
"Triangle Man hates person man,
They have a fight, Triangle wins."
"If you look at me upside down, you'll get an entirely different perspective."
"OMG! They're actually turning their heads upside down! Look how it makes their skin sag!"
- Ohhhh her - ??? New hire named "Penny" - she's purported an expert at predicting downtrends-.
Warning! Legolas and Armless Falling!
Even my slaveish (sic) devotion to this contest won't get me to bother with a dead link graphic. Nuff said.
"Well, I hope you have an exclamation for this!"
The hours here are scalene.
Jim Cavanaugh
[Travel Brochure]
"When visiting in the Tri-Cities area, check out the World's Largest Punctuation Mark."
Pendant Publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office.
Elaine: You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?
Lippman: I was just going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely.
Elaine: Yes, er, yes I did.
Lippman: And, anyway I was just reading your final edit, um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.
Lippman: Oh, "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"
Elaine: Right, well...
Lippman: You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?
Elaine: That's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...
Lippman: I see, "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Exclamation point?
Elaine: Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then *prrt* nothing comes out...
Lippman: Get rid of the exclamation points...
Elaine: Ok, ok ok ...
Lippman: I hate exclamation points...
Elaine: ...ok I'll just....
Al is not dead, he's in recovery.
"Curiouser and curiouser. First there was the interminable wait for contest results. Then the no-show of the chalk outline guy. Then the brief appearance of the chicken in a cubicle in a wrongly-numbered contest. Now this. Is it the first sign of the apocalypse? Were the Mayans right?? Is there a fatal disconnect in the time-space continuum??? Might a Republican candidate win???? Will it all end with an exclamation point????? What's it all mean, al? You have the answers. Tell us before we all die . . ."
---blw
Al! Have a piece of fruit. Take your lithium. Let's get back to (aby)normal.
What are they gonna say about him? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans, man? That he had wisdom? Bullshit, man!
Standing guy: "Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"
Seated guy: "They're all chickens. I'm having sex with all of them."
"Who's the new chick?"
Be careful, man. al kept rambling on
about a giant chicken before they
dragged him away.
She's a little on the heavy side but I bet she knows some cute chicks.
"You mean that henny young man took my cubicle? Please!?"
"Would you like to be the breast man at our wedding?"
"Her egg's gone breech--we need to scramble."
"She's a Mike Tyson Chicken named Nugget, who is the new PR rep for "Poultry Crossing Guards Inc", whose intent is to eradicate all roads, to assure survival of the poultice!"
"You have no fucking idea what a business incubator is, do you? and, I won't even ask where our seed funding went."
"I told you affirmative action was a slippery slope."
I think you need to go back to that psychiatrist.
Sorry, Jim, Miss Prissy complained about your constant "crossing the road jokes." I'm going to have to fire you for seggsual harassment.
"Look! Alice is terrified! She's Egg Bound! Humpty Dumpty is Stuck! Stuck! Stuck! Adjectives haven't helped. Quick find a Verb!"
"If you want to stay on the chicken/egg ad, use the right graphic. It's a circular cause and effect, not a damn love triangle."
"Let's just say I boned that chicken, and she does indeed come first"
"Fea-thery, you crazy baster! How are you?"
"Well, I'm just gonna walk up to her and say, 'Get out of my chair.'"
"What the hell just happened? A second ago I was in this exact same position mountain-biking in heaven. Now a chicken has deflowered my Aeron Chair. Pinch me!"
"OK, you win! My grandpa worked for Foster Farms, and, yes, he used to rape me."
"Say what you will, but that chicken just won a Pulletzer Prize."
"Just be thankful we don't work for the National Pork Producers' Association."
"Yep, that's her--middle linebacker for the 2009 Perdue Broilermakers."
“I know you’re new here, but you have to realize that, for us, this is a return to normalcy. It was no picnic having the international sign for ‘danger’ hanging over us like that . . . it was scary. Basically, we’re all chickens here.”
---left coast wayne
"When Cubicle A opened up I just knew they'd have a Chick-fil-A."
"It's a mistake! She was assigned to the chicken coop, not the co-op!"
working next toe her just makes me feel
Young,man
I hate the way the boss keeps chicken up on us!
After a long day at the office, my fryer could use a few clucks.
"It's a Coop d'état!"
They won't hatch. It's really d Liza Minelli demonstrating the Method Approach she used in the Sterile Cuckoo.
"Do you think the new chick would like to join our softball team?"
"No, I don't see it as steroids and hormones run amuck. I see it as the application of hard work and diligence to move up the corporate ladder . . . you know, the Colonel has always encouraged this sort of thing."
---left coast wayne
“From the henhouse to the penthouse. There’s no stopping someone with ambition.”
---blw
“I hear it’s some sort of affirmitive action thing . . . but I wouldn’t count my chickens before they’re hatched, if I were her.”
---left coast wayne
Bain Capital, Jan., 2012: The chicken has come home to roost.
Jim Cavanaugh
"I don't like it either, but al gave you ample warning."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Say do doodle a cock backwards."
"Actually, it's not as big a deal as it looks . . . it's really rather a poultry position."
---blw
"It reads ... appedTray underyay ayay iantgay ickenchay. allCay ifeway. IllWay ebay atelay orfay innerday ... ewsterBray!"
Call Rooster Cogburn in security. He'll know what to do.
"Is there anyone here I can talk to about building a nest egg?"
"The new guy's in the next cubicle getting laid as we speak!"
"So much
Depends upon
The rad coder
Glazed with
Cubicle dust
Beside the
White chicken."
"I thought WTF? But she taught me how to use a nested IF statement in my spreadsheet:
=IF(A1<20, A1*1, IF(A1<50, A1*2, IF(A1<100, A1*3, A1*4)))"
"I didn't expect heaven to look like Katie Couric's colon."
"So, I told her my best joke. Y'know, 'It was so cold out that I saw a chicken crossing the road with a capon.' And got nothing! Nothing! Sheesh! She has no sense of humor."
[Note to Judge alinla re Contest #316: Thanks for the honorable mention, but I entirely messed up Ms. Madden's name. Her name is Mary Ann Madden. Sorry for the mix-up.]
You'll never hear her kids complaining how hard it is to get laid.
Enter Password: canthony666
Repeat Password: ...........
Remove Bra: (o)(o)
"This place sucks."
"Look! She's having problems with her clutch! Quick! Call AAMCO!"
I'm haunted by the faces of my chickens.
"Who gave you the bird?"
After a long night, this buyer could use some clucks.
Jim Cavanaugh
"No, Bob, the customer still comes first"
"I don't know who looks stupider in a sweater vest, this chicken or Rick Santorum."
"Her pecker is bigger than yours."
Well look who thinks she's cock of the walk today.
"So here's my idea--"Two Hens, One Cup"--you in?
"This new guy's a real pecker."
"Mrs. Leghorn was scheduled to attend the Poughkeepsie conference too, but she doesn't fly."
"Does anyone have a comb I could borrow?"
"Rumor has it that Yardbird has not only come back to life, but is working right here at Coleman & Sax!"
"Attila the Hen would like a cocktail!"
"Why is that sick? I just wondered how tight her cloaca is."
"Rumor has it that Yardbird has not only come back to life, but is working right here at Coleman Sax!"
I'm entering her in the anti-capon contest this week.
Jim Cavanaugh
Nervous anti-cappers wait to see if al can run a post pattern two weeks in a row.....
"At least we know what the fuck we're doing here at FOX. Over at CBS they have fox guarding the hen house."
The walrus is Paul. The hen is al.
The bird is the Microsoft® Word.
“I think someone should tell Sharon that it’s 2012 and people don’t feather their hair back anymore…”
“John, have you been making the new girl do your work again? This shit’s just a bunch of chicken scratching!?!”
“Nice bouillon cubicle Nancy”
“Be careful Bill, the new chick is real sensitive about people telling off color yolks.”
"It's never too late to choke the chicken."
"Ahhh, it's just Belichick stealing our algorithms."
{Something to do with a yegg here.}
"She'll cluck the shit out of you for only fifteen bucks."
Best Judges comments in a while Al. Good job. Nice to see you coming back.
Bo
The new reality is we work for chicken feed or be outsourced.
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