Note: A pretty crappy cartoon, if you ask me. A TV sneering at a book? A book standing defiantly in front of the TV--hands on hips like he is taking a leak? I believe these two forms of media long ago settled their differences. TV won, of course, but books remain somewhat popular (I'm told). In addition to judging this contest I am also a judge for two book festivals. (Yeah, I know, go figure)
When I was hired, the guy running these festivals essentially told me to find the books that suck the least. You can't believe the kind of the crap that comes in. I can understand how
Anyway, as long as I am touting my bona fides as a media judge, I have also been a TV critic and was once editor of the home video review section in Billboard and even reviewed a Dylan show for Variety (For the record, I gave him a thumbs up). Perhaps more importantly, I was a referee for ice hockey games played in the middle of the night by cranky yuppies who were better at abusing me that they were at the game itself. (If you are wondering where I honed my cheap shot skills, when I played in college, I led the team in penalty minutes.) I say this to dispel the outrageous notion that I either slept, strong-armed or bought my way into this lofty perch. It was of an accidental process, not unlike stepping on a tack.
WINNER
First Place "...and all those tedious, sticky fumblings with old fashioned typewriters, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere, getting all the way to Simon & Schuster."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You see a lot, Rob. But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself? While we seldom pick parody caps for the top spot this struck a cord. Maybe me and Mrs. al in la could have you for diner one night Rob. You can bring the Chianti.)
Second Place An unrepentant copy of Mein Kampf readies a golden shower for an ironically, reincarnated Telly Savalas --Adolph Saperstein (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...a book written by Hitler is about to piss on Kojak? This cap is tasteless, confusing and kind of stupid. But who can deny that its highly imaginative and somewhat edgy. Saperstein was Kojak's flunky, by the way. )
Third Place "As sam! suggested in Caption Contest #282, 'Fuck you!'" --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes this time it fits and it's nice that you included an attribution, but it is intellectually lazy to use this for every cartoon as it is for every confrontation. Once when I had seats at the Garden close enough to hear what NHL players actually say to each other when they tussel, I heard one say "Fuck you!" and the other say "Suck my dick, asshole." I just though pros would be more creative than that.)
Honorable Mentions "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." --Frank (JUDGE'S COMMENT: While channel surffing, we stumbled on to the Wizard of Oz not long ago. Watched the whole thing. Yes, the image seen here on the television resembles that of the wizard. Always liked it when he says "So...you liquidated her." Still, I think "liquidate her assets." would have been even funnier. Just sayin'.)
"I happen to teach a class at Columbia called 'TV, Media, and Culture,' so I think that my insights into Mr. McLuhan, well, have a great deal of validity."-Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh really, well I happen to have Marshall McLuhan right here and he says you're an asshole. [Not you Carol, the TV.] Another smart cap and the best one ever entered by this Carol person. The scene from Annie Hall is a classic. Nice work C.L.K. )
"Next you're going to tell me that you never heard of Newton Minnow!" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So here we have Kathy, who compulsively adds links to nearly every entry she spits up, offer this esoteric cap with no link. Maybe Kathy is trying to make a statement. May the old girl is losing a step. )
“Bad news, kid. The owner of this house, a certain Mr. Zimmerman, just said, ‘Don’t show me no picture show or give me no book to read’ . . . I don’t know about you, but right about now I could use a ‘Shot of Love’.-----the Hibbing Hotshot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The title song from an album released in the 80's when Dylan was doing his Jesus thing. Got it. I'm not crazy about the "Hotshot" part, by the way, Dylan's not grandiose that way. But I appreciate the reference. You have learned well, Grasshopper.)
"Go jump in the fireplace. I'd like to rekindle our relationship." --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An obvious but cute little pun from an Anti Capper who is sporadic at best.)
One of me is worth a thousand of you. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When it comes to the consumption of natural resources, this pretty much sums up how most Americans feel about the rest of the world's population. That's how Dick Cheney and Exxon/Mobile want it.)
"Tolstoy, Toy Story, what the fuck's the difference?"--Bev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Movie-rights-wise there is a big difference. )
The airers here are obscene (at least some of them, between the hours of 8pm and 6am, may air content that some deem objectionable) --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of the scant few classics entered for this contest. I find Wheel of Fortune and any show with the word "Housewife" in it objectionable--doesn't make them obscene. )
"Who do you think you are saying that your favorite TV program is Who Do You Think You Are?" [Look, Ma, no links!] --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice work Tim. Now get your PJs on and get ready for bed--like a big boy. )
"Ebert? Ebert's a finalist? Like we all didn't submit veiled illusions to the word fuck in our captions?" --ONE MINUTE LATER (allusions)-- Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice catch Gary. Now lets discuss the difference between "continuous" and "continual." )
"That's right. I'm the ghost of Daniel Radosh. Deal with it!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Daniel's spirit is well represented here--especially when I neglect the contest to handle more pressing matters.)
I've discovered something incredible! "Fuck You" Is a perfectly good response for nearly every single al in la anti-cap critique ever! --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They are not "critiques," Johnny, they are astute observations. If I could, I would give you a 2 minute penalty for "abuse of official." That's an actual penalty in hockey, you know. )
sar·casm /ˈsɑr kæzəm-–noun 1570–80; < Late Latin sarcasmus < Greek sarkasmós, derivative of sarkázein to rend (flesh), sneer harsh or bitter derision or irony --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually the best definition I ever heard came from the President's secretary in The West Wing, Mrs. Landingham. She called sarcasm "the grumpy man's wit." )
98 comments:
No, I don't want to eat an ice cream sandwich. Get back in the freezer before you melt, you freak.
"Pervert!"
"No, I do not know when Mad Men is coming back on!"
I told your mother we should've chucked those Japanese Poptarts....
Now look what happened!
It's OK son, sometimes the microchips don't fall that far from the motherboard!
No, I will not sing you to sleep with the Reading Rainbow song.
"You're living under a leg. The couch is just using you to get even with me."
"As soon as this damn power-failure's over, I'm gonna break your spine"
"Two weeks ago it was 'F'. Last week those two wheels could be interpreted as 'OO'. My mouth looks like an 'F' this week. OMG, the Man is going to Foof us. Aaaaaaaaggghhhhhhhh!"
"If you don't like my face, book, unfriend me."
One of me is worth a thousand of you.
"Did you REALLY think you could compete with 73 channels of On-Demand porn?"
"Ebert? Ebert's a finalist? Like we all didn't submit veiled illusions to the word fuck in our captions?"
(allusions)
"Come back when you're digitized."
"I got news for you, kid. Everybody loves Raymond, but nobody loves you! Capische?"
"That's right! Katie Couric's leaving CBS and there's not a damned thing you can do about it!"
"I knew they'd greenlight your project. It's got legs."
---blw
“Get the hell out of here and don’t come back ‘til you’ve made something of yourself . . . preferably a DVD.”
---blw
“Well, well, well . . . Look who’s been published. Listen, pal, everyone’s still gonna’ say, ‘I think I’ll just wait for the movie’. Get used to it.”
---left coast wayne
"...and all those tedious, sticky fumblings with old fashioned typewriters, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere, getting all the way to Simon & Schuster."
Rob
"No Mr. Book, I expect you to die."
"I said find the remote!"
"Hey! Bibliophile this!!"
Just wait, we'll both be obsolete when the damn I-phone 5 comes out!
"Unless you're the TV GUIDE, get the hell outta' here!"
---left coast wayne
That's the tiniest book cock I've ever seen in my life.
"Don't pull that poor deprived child routine with me! I'm not even sure I'm your real father!"
---blw
"JOHANN Gutenberg? He's a lightweight. I hang with STEVE Guttenberg, baby!"
Hey Book! Your legs are on backwards.
"Get outta' my sight, you wordy little bastard. Until they make a mini-series outta' you, you're nothin' but eye strain to me!"
---blw
"It may not look like it, but I am very turned on right now."
"Tolstoy, Toy Story, what the fuck's the difference?"
Bev
An unrepentant copy of Mein Kampf readies a golden shower for an ironically, reincarnated Telly Savalas
"Aren't you being a little foreword?"
Please look the other way while I remove my iPad.
"Come back after you have destroyed a child's mind."
"A weighty book like you will require four bookends."
Rob
"Because I make them laugh, that's why."
"Stand...by mode...oh stand...by mode. Oh stand...standby mode."
"Which Commandment are you?"
"Salinger's dead! You tell me why there's no film version of Catcher in the Rye in the works!"
"Badada badada, yourself. English only, pendjo."
"What are you bitching about? At least you have arms and legs, you little punk."
"Oooh, come here, open your covers and let me fondle your fresh pages."
I've discovered something incredible! "Fuck You" Is a perfectly good response for nearly every single al in la anti-cap critique ever!
"Who do you think you are saying that your favorite TV program is Who Do You Think You Are?"
[Look, Ma, no links!]
"That's right. I'm the ghost of Daniel Radosh. Deal with it!"
“Bad news, kid. The owner of this house, a certain Mr. Zimmerman, just said, ‘Don’t show me no picture show or give me no book to read’ . . . I don’t know about you, but right about now I could use a ‘Shot of Love’.
---the Hibbing Hotshot
"I happen to teach a class at Columbia called 'TV, Media, and Culture,' so I think that my insights into Mr. McLuhan, well, have a great deal of validity."
-Carol Lou Ellen
"The medium is the monkey-taint!"
"Hey, I can't help it if they think Shaving Ryan's Privates is great visual art."
Good Humor on TV? Yeah, real funny *till you melt.* (thanks to JohnnyB for seeing an ice cream sandwich)
"I want my paperback, paperback, paperback . . . "
"Go jump in the fireplace. I'd like to rekindle our relationship."
"The bell tolls for thee."
"Aramaic? What do you take me for, a SAP?"
"I'm haunted by the chalk outlines of my CSI victims."
"Try reading a book while downing a 6 pack."
Rob
"Next you're going to tell me that you never heard of Newton Minnow!"
"Minow was right, he was just misinterpreted. [clears throat] April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain..."
-Carol Lou Ellen
"If you rally want to impress me, go to the store, and get me some beer!" (circa 8/2007)
The airers here are obscene (at least some of them, between the hours of 8pm and 6am, may air content that some deem objectionable)
"...and take your little bookworms with you!"
Bev
Your wife set my v-chip to block BookTV.
"Now go to your room and no reading for you tonight."
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."
"Who are you calling spineless?"
"Stop tomenting me."
"You're incredibly shelfish."
"This place sucks."
Let me guess. Another Fukishima book depository runaway?
"Book yourself, Danno."
"Go flatten some oak leaves."
Frank Puterschein
Providence, Rhode Island
02903
sar·casm /ˈsɑr kæzəm
–noun 1570–80; < Late Latin sarcasmus < Greek sarkasmós, derivative of sarkázein to rend (flesh), sneer
harsh or bitter derision or irony
Oh yeah? Well, the book store called and they're running out of YOU.
Rocko
I heard you're not doing so well. What's wrong? A little bound up?
Rocko
"What are you doing standing there? You're supposed to be furnishing the room."
"I'm sick of your lies! I know you've been giving Nook to both Barnes and Noble!"
"How many fucking times did I tell you that people would prefer facebook over torsobook!"
"Don't worry. It's not due until Monday. Some stupid holiday in D.C. - probably celebrating Marion Barry's nostrils."
Your candle burned out long before your Kindle ever will.
EJ
"Don't just stand there! Get me a TV dinner, for Christ's sake!"
"While you're out, why don't you pick up a spell check for alinla?"
---Noah Webster
"He judged the Mt. Rushmore bonus contest before this one? Seriously? How gauche!"
"Hey! Get me a rubber band sandwich! And make it snappy!!"
"The Gideons are trying to stay relevant, okay? Now beat it."
-Carol Lou Ellen
"How many times do I have to tell you? This ain't a two-weeker!"
"He's waiting till there are 100 anticaps. What can I tell you?"
"Pssssst . . . go wake up alinla, now."
---Rip Van Winkle
maybe it's a 'too weak' caption contest
"For the last time, this week there's no closed captioning and no anti-captioning."
O Caption! My Caption!
Our fearful trip is done.
We've posted stupid comments.
We just want to know who won.
You guys are right, Alinla is disgracefully late. I say we don't pay him this week!
"Apparently we were obscured by 4 gigantic butts."
Could be worse. We all could have made honorable mention.
Chacon
"Hey book, why don't you make like the anti-cap contest and don't judge me."
Ah, what the hell.
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE (106-way tie)
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