FIRST PLACE:..."Ah. Now those `U' `C' `K' `E' and `D' poles we saw make more sense."-- Damon. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Scratch the surface and this cap is a commentary on crass materialism and our lack of values. The couple impulsively bought a bunch of shit they don't need now they wander aimlessly in a desert of dispare--which is a metaphor for credit card debt. Added plus: It would never see the light of day in the real contest. Nice one Damon )
SECOND PLACE: ..."Fucking Mall of Arabia."--xs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short and cute. The Mall of America is a grostesquely garganuan shopping mecca with a huge parking lot. Saudi Arabia has a big desert where women are not permitted to drive a car and men wear dresses.)
THIRD PLACE:..."I was expecting Jesus to start carrying at least one of us about 3 miles back."--Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This calls attention to the footprints. Strangely they look as though the couple where attached at the hip and meandered across the desert with little baby steps. I found that weird--and yes I know the cap harkens back to a footprint metaphor about God carrying your flabby ass when you are down and out.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"That was really bright leaving Sparky in the car. Hell, at least we've got buns and relish. Hey! We can try out your new Remington!" ---O. Aces (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggests they left their pet in the car and he became a hot dog. Like most responsible pet owners, these two will now dine on their dog to assure he did not die in vain. There is some good advice here especially for people with annoying dogs that bark too much.)
"Remember that stupid shopping cart with the wheels that lock up once you're 100' feet from the entrance? I left the car keys in it." --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not at all funny or interesting. Pretty pathedic actually. Stll, once when I ventured into the "forbidden zone" with one of these carts, the wheels stopped so adruptly that my thumb jammed agaist the handle. It hurt like hell and there was a black spot on my thumb nail that remained for months. That's what this made me think about.)
“Relax, Harry. We’re flying Southwest standby and I brought plenty of food."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I will just say what a lot of regulars are thinking: we expect better from you, dwilk. )
Christ, Sendai was here when we parked. --Sue Nami (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But wouldn't there be debris and carnage? That would make it funnier.)
"see."-- reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get this but I like the minalmist approch. )
"The dog?"--reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ditto. )
Are you sure this is where you left last week's contest, al? What the F? --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Completely by accident, Johnny has offered a very enlightened entry. The search for an outstanding Anti-Caption is not unlike wandering in a barren parking lot carrying a bunch of baggage while strangers make fun of you. )
Worst...Sand Trap...EVER.-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Bold face type? A word in all caps? Italics? A witless and puzzling observation with little revelance to the cartoon? [I don't see any golf clubs, do you?] Kathy, I knew it was you well before I got to the signature.)
"I do not want to be late for the
Bob Dylan and The Law conference at Fordham."-- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link verifies that there is such an event planed. Way to stay on top of things, Tim. Remember, to live outside the law you must be honest.)It's "F" for "Fusilli", you crazy bastard. How are you going to find the car?-- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We were hoping the "F" might stand for "Funny." As always, thanks for playing Johnny.)
"Yeah, Herb, I remember. My personal said I liked to go for long walks in the fucking sand."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This really works if you imagine Herb has died and gone to hell. His eternal damnation involves shopping and wandering the desert in search of some woman's lost car. Otherwise it's not funny.)
"You know, Jeffy, as stupid as your dotted line pathway was when you were young, it's even stupider now." --Why Not BK (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Edgy and slightly esoteric, but not really funny. Whoever submitted this shows a pretty good familiarity with The Family Circus. That's something he or she will have to live with. Personally, I believe the Sunday cartoon strips that have Jeffy wandering about are the best thing Bil has ever done.)
"Even money says that the F train doesn't stop here anymore."-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the longest and thereby most unreliable train line in NYC. As always, Kathy provided a completely unnecessary link. )
"Just because it's Ford's ticker symbol doesn't mean our Lincoln is shot." --His Story Repeats Itself (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A ticker symbol has to be three letters but Lincoln was indeed shot, so there is something here.)
"I had no idea this LAX was so huge! I hope we didn't miss Al's flight from Philly." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for noticing K.H. It was a long and uncomfortable flight following a difficult week, but Mrs. al in la was waiting at LAX in a pick-up truck to take me home. )
"Ever wonder about the power of just one word? I mean, I would think that the word 'nearly' in the sentence '...without Mrs. al in la, the "Mile High" club is nearly impossible.' might be a bit problematic back home. But, hey, maybe that's just me." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It IS just you. Sex on an airplane is never completely impossible. Nuff said. )
"Wow, look at all those rats. You're like the Pied Shopper of Douchelin. And, where are the kids anyhow?" --Hairy Hamelin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The footprint do look a bit like rats. They certainly don't look like footprints.)
Well al, I guess looking for the car and judging the anti-cap contest are like cleaning out the litter box. You have to sift through a lot of sand to find the occasional nugget.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Comparing a winning Anti Cap to a lump of dried cat shit diminishes the cat shit.)
"You couldn't park 'handicapped' just this once, huh?" A FEW MINUTES LATER: (what I meant was) "You couldn't park in 'handicapped' just this once?" --O. Aces (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again we see someone swing back to fix a crappy cap. The second one isn't any better. And why is it okay for handicapped people to park in our spaces but we are demonised if we park in one of "their" spaces?)
Some of the old-time sheriffs never even wore a gun. Lot of folks find that hard to believe. Jim Cavanaugh never carried one. That’s the younger Jim. JohnnyB wouldn’t wear one up in Comanche County.--Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This makes no sense but I believe Carol is new to the contest so I want to encourage her. It's good, Carol. It's good what you did! Now wish it into the corn field.)
"All you have to do is find the car. I have to say something insensitive, funny and cryptic that al will get."--xs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't worry if the horse is blind, just load the wagon. Is that too cryptic for you?)
I can't figure out where everyone went. I worked hard to take over this anti-caption hosting. I've spent countless minutes crafting demeaning insults about those with the temerity to participate and made it clear that I am bored and dissatisfied with this task I coveted. Why the number of entries has dropped and this now seems like a barren desert with all the joy sucked out of it, I cannot fathom. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is so much wrong with this I don't know where to begin. Bottom line, I would never use the word "fathom" and we had over 150 entries. I guess the "B" stands for bitter.)
If Johnny B. were to edit his previous entry to make the 25-word limit it would probably be:Pound sand al.---Notjohhnyb (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Either JohhnyB don't like to play by no stinkin' rules or he never learned to count. Either way I'm fine with it. He's one of my favorite Anti Cappers and, paradoxically, the least talented.)
144 comments:
"see."
"'F' as in 'Fuck you, Honey'"
"I meant B."
"Muttsy should be fine; I left the window rolled down. And he's a scorpion."
In a post-apocalyptic Disney World, only the F and cockroaches will survive
Are you sure this is where you left last week's contest, al? What the F?
"The ice cream's starting to melt, and I'm thirsty and have to go to the bathroom."
Rob
"It's a good thing you bought all that Massengill. We're gonna be thirsty."
Fail
"Well, we finally found the memorial to Frankie Frisch, 'The Fordham Flash.'"
Worst...Sand Trap...EVER.
"Now, where the hell did I bury The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #280?"
What I meant to say was:
"In a post-apocalyptic Disney World, only the F 'n' cockroaches will survive."
"I do not want to be late for the Bob Dylan and The Law conference at Fordham."
"And your carrion will be one less set of footsteps if we don't locate the goddamn car soon."
dwilk
"I thought they said the radiation was at 'Harmless' levels?
"I really could swear right now."
"I told you back there it wasn't worth walking all this way to the sign."
And this is where I am haunted by the faces of my victims. Over by the "G", I am haunted by their gonads.
[Sorry, JohnnyB. I inadvertently appropriated your "Where's-last-week's-Contest?' riff.
My...how you say?...bad.
Signed, Anonymouse (not my real name)]
"Well. For your information, when we started this walk on The Strip in Vegas, these high heels were very appropriate footwear."
So we must be in the Scratchy lot.
"Yeah, Herb, I remember. My personal said I liked to go for long walks in the fucking sand."
dwilk
"Wait a minute...didn't we take the bus here?"
"You're the one who insisted on taking the camel today."
"Is that our carcass up ahead?"
Bev
"Oh-oh . . . I think we left the kids back at 'A'."
---blw
"We may be a long way from the New Yorker, but I bet you they’ll have an F-ing lifeguard sitting up there in no time.”
---blw
“No need to panic. I’m a photographer. This is what we call an ‘F-stop’.”
---blw
You're about a sand wedge away from a lifetime of celibacy.
Rocko
"It's a nice beach, but a long way to the 'C' . . . which is where I think we parked."
---blw
"I'm bored and want to start dating other men."
xs
"Is it too soon to start drinking our own urine?"
"That's right, Max, I'm pregnant. Your stupidity has killed not only me but also our unborn child."
If it's any consolation, I have a camel toe.
"Even money says that the F train doesn't stop here anymore."
Look Honey, another great turnout for this year's "Celebration of Global Warming" festival.
I think contest #280 was a mirage.
Well al, I guess looking for the car and judging the anti-cap contest are like cleaning out the litter box. You have to sift through a lot of sand to find the occasional nugget.
Jim Cavanaugh
Take a good look. It's going to be a long time before you see any more effing.
Jim Cavanaugh
I guess it was inevitable. They've dropped everything on Libya except the F-bomb.
Jim Cavanaugh
“Well, at least we’re not lost. We know we’re at ‘F’.”
---left coast wayne
“I appreciate the ‘F’, but I’d feel a whole lot better if there was an arrow that said, ‘You are here’.”
---left coast wayne
“You wait by the ‘F’, honey. I need to check Macy’s return policy.”
---left coast wayne
“Quit bitching. You’re the one who said park at ‘Z’ so we’d be sure to remember where we left the car.”
---left coast wayne
"I cracked the window for them."
"The baby should be fine."
Sooooooooooooooooo Dan- where the F~ are we?
"The dog?"
"There it, seriously...just kidding."
you know what I meant
"One hump or two?"
"Big F, Little f, FFF, five fancy feathers on fiffer feffer feff"
"You do realize that I'm never having sex with you again?"
"You couldn't park 'handicapped' just this once, huh?"
(what I meant was)
"You couldn't park in 'handicapped' just this once?"
"I'd like us to start seeing other people."
"And you let them talk you into LoJack."
"Remember that stupid shopping cart with the wheels that lock up once you're 100' feet from the entrance? I left the car keys in it."
"You know that pot roast we got on sale? It's done."
"That was really bright leaving Sparky in the car. You might as well have given him to the Changs when they were offering you $20 bucks."
"All you have to do is find the car. I have to say something insensitive, funny and cryptic that al will get."
xs
I can't figure out where everyone went. I worked hard to take over this anti-caption hosting. I've spent countless minutes crafting demeaning insults about those with the temerity to participate and made it clear that I am bored and dissatisfied with this task I coveted. Why the number of entries has dropped and this now seems like a barren desert with all the joy sucked out of it, I cannot fathom.
lol
"I had no idea this LAX was so huge! I hope we didn't miss Al's flight from Philly."
"That's it! I am not waiting for Godot here!"
"Ever wonder about the power of just one word? I mean, I would think that the word 'nearly' in the sentence '...without Mrs. al in la, the "Mile High" club is nearly impossible.' might be a bit problematic back home. But, hey, maybe that's just me."
"Alls I'm saying is that even Nova from Zabar's goes bad in 115°."
"Didn't they say they'd meet us at the intersection of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae?"
My mother warned me this would happen.
I knew you should have made that left turn in Albuquerque.
This was such a nice neighborhood before the no-fly zone.
Go ahead, let's see you blame this on me.
I am sorry, but this came out as one big block letter.
notal
If Johnny B. were to edit his previous entry to make the 25-word limit it would probably be:
Pound sand al.
Notjohhnyb
"Now can we ask for directions?"
"Holy shit, Jimmie, look what happened to your pal Gorn. That must be section 'G'."
"President Obama said there'll be 2grocery stores here on the moon in 2014. It IS odd, however, that there are 896 fried chicken places."
"That was really bright leaving Sparky in the car. Hell, at least we've got buns and relish. Hey! We can try out your new Remington!"
Christ, Sendai was here when we parked.
"You could have parked in a handicapped spot for once, but nooooooooooooooooooooooooo, you didn't park in a handicapped spot for once."
Folsom #5837645532
"If you brought me all the way out here just to kill me, please do it and get it overwith already."
"So tell me, honey, how many times did it take you to pass the IQ test?"
"Don't be naive Bryan, the baby will be fine."
"Just because it's Ford's ticker symbol doesn't mean our Lincoln is shot."
"The thought of being alone in the desert doesn't bother me at all. It's just that you're still here."
"I miss Shea Stadium,"
"I was expecting Jesus to start carrying at least one of us about 3 miles back."
"Which one? The Black Sea or the Red Sea?"
dwilk
"That reminds me, I'm pregnant."
"You can keep searching, but this is the par 25 F-hole at Jubali."
Rob
"Funny, I don't remember parking in pre-9/11 Dubai."
"Honey, sorry I shoved your handicapped placard up your stupid repetitive ass yesterday. I just could take another version of your joke"
Correction: "..crammed..."
Correction: I meant "nose"
Correction: swap 'iteration' for 'version'
Correction: Make it "I'm not sorry at all"
Bear with me, it's going to be worth it.
Correction: The joke simply is not that funny in any form
{Deleted by author}
Sorry that was mean-Kirk
"It must be karma. Remember the time I should have called F on Wheel of Fortune?"
"It must be karma. Remember the time I should have called F on Wheel of Fortune?"
[Sorry, Sam Antic. I guess I just have an itchy trigger-finger.]
[Tim H./O.Aces - It's all good. Just flipping you some good natured crap.]
I'm pretty sure this is where
Sheriff Joe told us to meet him.
"Have we ruled out Bowser squeezing through the vented window, digging a hole and burying that stupid smart car?"
xs
"You keep looking for the shit box. I need to work on my pole dancing."
Rob
"I see dead people."
“Relax, Harry. We’re flying Southwest standby and I brought plenty of food."
dwilk
"You said it was just around the block."
"At least we have air bags."
Christ, what an F-pole.
33percenter
Some of the old-time sheriffs never even wore a gun. Lot of folks find that hard to believe. Jim Cavanaugh never carried one. That’s the younger Jim. JohnnyB wouldn’t wear one up in Comanche County.
-Carol Lou Ellen
"We're making good time. Glad we ditched your mother at 'C'"
--Dex
"So... James Arness was supposed to drive us home from here."
"I say we keep moving unless you take Chigurh in your coffee."
Roy Disney finally realizes he should have used those all-access F tickets back in 1974
"And now we miss desert!"
"Ah. Now those `U' `C' `K' `E' and `D' poles we saw make more sense."
"You keep saying that, but I haven't seen one fucking sandwich in three days."
xs
"Behold, what you see is before U."
It's baseball's opening day. Better luck next year, Mets.
Stephen Colbert on tonight's Colbert Report
"We parked in F prime."
"Look, Damon. Your Massengil caption is by far the best anti-caption in months. But this competition has long since.... hey where's our car?"
"April Fools! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!"
"I thought Paris would be prettier. The Ffull Tower really disappoints."
"Honey, I'm starting to smell by box."
"Why is that sign yelling?"
Was it a caravan or a Caravan?
Rocko
We should have bought that Red Bull after all.
"Can you see by how many that we've exceeded 100 entries?"
This sand is hot!
I'm beat. Let's stay at The Sands tonight.
Rocko
"Why are we stopping?"
"Next time let's not shop at the Saudi Mall."
"I thought we took Route 66, not Route 26."
You're getting warm, but you still haven't found the G-spot.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Well, Doug, you were the one who said we had to go shopping in Abu Dhabi after watching Sex and the City 2."
"Are we illegal aliens? Do you see the border patrol? Are we there yet? Can you hear me now? Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"
Glenn, we've got to get you out of the sun.
"No, you're not deliroius. The Mets are 2-1 this season."
["...or delirious...either way..."]
You're right,Hatcher. Soylent Green is PEOPLE!
Johnny Deep
"No, I said that I WOULDN'T have sex with you if you were the last person in the world."
"I told you Burning Man is next week."
"No more shopping on peyote."
I'm not going to be afraid of flying til next week
"Tell me that's not a crop duster, Cary."
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