NOTE: A house teetering on the edge of a cliff brought fourth a good number of Anti-Caps that were obvious, bland, boring or some combo of all three. There were many puns and a few that attempted to squeeze some type of metaphor out of this. But let's face it, The house is doomed. You can't remain in a precarious position for any great length of time. The best approach here is obvious puns with some type of ironic twist. Why did it take me until Wednesday to crank these out? I actually have a job(!) that requires me to be some place everyday. More on this in the weeks to come, I would like to urge Anti-Caps to try and come up with better caps. A boy can dream.
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"You're dwelling on the cliff instead of the dwelling on the cliff."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may seem like uninspired fluff. Just a dumb little pun from a regular contributor who only occasionally submits anything of note. But look closer and there is a Zen-like quality to this. It suggests that you should focus on that which sustains and nourishes you [the home], rather than than that which threatens you and can exact your doom [the cliff]. This is not the best cap and it certainly isn't the funniest, but it makes a statement too profound to ignore. Best part: I believe dwilk had none of this in mind when he or she submitted it.)
SECOND PLACE
"Now that's what I call real estate listing!" --Sam Antic (JUDGE'S COMMENT:One of the best of many stupid puns entered this week. You almost expect Sam to say "Get it? Listing?" But Sam took a few shortcuts along the way. He strategically left out "a" as in "A real estate listing." Also, "listing, in the nautical sense means, "to lean one side." The house is level. So this caption is bogus yet still witty.)
THIRD PLACE
It's for sale ... half off. --JohnnyB. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Sultan of Simplicity has rendered yet another "Anti-Cap That Ain't Worth Crap." But, blast you JohnnyB, the house is half-way off the cliff so this sort of works. )
THIRD PLACE
It's for sale ... half off. --JohnnyB. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Sultan of Simplicity has rendered yet another "Anti-Cap That Ain't Worth Crap." But, blast you JohnnyB, the house is half-way off the cliff so this sort of works. )
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"'Infity edge pool' is realtor jargon for 'your house is going to fall into the ocean'" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They would actually say it was a cozy little get-away with an outstanding view that needs a bit of TLC. They would also know how to spell "infinity.")
"I'd make an offer soon. This property is definitely moving."-- Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Obvious and inaccurate. There is no evidence that the house is moving. We begin to see that many anti-caps went with low hanging fruit this week. )
"Sure, the location is a little edgy, but I think you will be able to maintain a real balance here, especially in the fall."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Did blw feel a sense of accomplishment when he entered this horrible cap, or was more like self loathing and dread? We'll likely never know.)
Oh Tad, you and Brady could actually share an actual Cape Cod that is Actually in Cape Cod.Oh The irony of it all! --- Paul Lynde's Realtor Brother. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To sum up: There is large gay community in the Cape Cod area and there is significant beach erosion. Also Paul Lynde's last name is often misspelled, So this deserves minor props.)
"Not only is it a Cape Cod house, the good news is that it will soon actually be situated on Cape Cod."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The same theme as the previous cap but far less imaginative. Also a house toppling off a cliff is not good news. What's with you people?")
I'm so happy you're interested in the property, Mr. Beck. It is, after all, the last house remaining from the City on the Hill. --Austin in PA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is political commentary. The eroding foundation is the waning middle class. Beck is an asshole. Got it. )
"Didn't that sign out front say 'NO TIPPING'?" --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim, moving forward, would you do us all a favor and ask yourself "Why am I posting this? Is it really funny? Does it add anything to the contest?" )
Let me guess. The last owner was a bespectacled curmudgeon who landed here with his boy scout friend after his balloons ran low on helium. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference to the animated film "Up" Yeah, and? )
Shut up Bob, everyone knows your home's a cliff-on.--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay slightly better. A pretty good classic.)
The houses here careen --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic. Eric found a word to rhyme with "obscene." As the summer wanes he will find his beloved Red Sox in fourth palce and his life will desend into an endless abyss of mystery and disappointment, culminating with Tom Brady's arrest for staging cat fights in the basement of his mansion. That my prediction anyway.)
"Feels hilly, you crazy bastard. House our ewe?" --BaaRam (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is much better than's Eric's entry--but it is still lame.)
"Few selling, you crazy bastion of despair? How the heck are you still alive?"--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a little creative but not very good.)
"In Soviet Union, yuri housey andropov a cliff"-- Sunny & Cher Noble (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't really get this and the signature is confusing.)
I read your book Mr. Rumsfeld, and I'd love to put you into this house.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice little dig at a miserable human being.)
"Aaaarchie, I still don't see why we have to move.""Because, Edith, that fuckin' Meathead will never move out and this is even farther away from those eastside Jeffersons. Now go get my chair from the car."-- A_Bunker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Two things: Archie never said "fuck" and he did not own a car.)
...and as an exclusive perk for anti-cap contest winners we provide a weekend getaway at our exclusive mountain-view resort. Eric, your room is down the hall to the right. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Eric is filled with self hate. On that much we are clear.)
"It's in a precarious state -- California. Al, are you in there?" --Legerdemain (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am. This works on a few levels that I am unwilling to explain or even acknowledge.)
Mr. and Mrs. al are giving Eric G. a great deal on the old place.--NoPatsFan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not funny, but I want Eric to see that he engenders deep disdain and loathing . His willingness to continually enter this contest is testimony to a delusional personality and his narcissism. His does make me smile a knowing smile. So hopefully he'll be back in weeks to come.)
125 comments:
Look at the upside. The foundation inspection should be a breeze.
"We could always flip it after your mother moves in."
Rob
"Did I just hear the toilet flush?"
Bodo
It's for sale ... half off.
...and as an exclusive perk for anti-cap contest winners we provide a weekend getaway at our exclusive mountain-view resort. Eric, your room is down the hall to the right.
There's a lean on it.
Jim Cavanaugh
"I'd make an offer soon. This property is definitely moving."
"I don't see how this passed inspection without a handrail."
"Plus you don't need a sewer system."
"Sure, the location is a little edgy, but I think you will be able to maintain a real balance here, especially in the fall."
---blw
“Seriously, I’d get in now before the market bottoms out.”
---blw
"Just another Fallingwater rip-off."
dwilk
It's the economy, stupid.
It's a good deal, but I suspect the value will continue to erode.
Rocko
"Fuck this, Helen. I want a man cave, not a man canyon."
Rob
I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Gale, we're going to have to impound the house and arrest your niece for flying it without a license again.
The landslide took the dead witch and 20 or 30 Munchkins with it.
We call it the all in la cottage. It's a bit unstable.
"I know it's not very realistic to think of us living here, Henry. But how many couples will ever get to say they leave in a Frank Cotham?"
and without the Euro accent:
"I know it's not very realistic to think of us living here, Henry. But how many couples will ever get to say they live in a Frank Cotham?"
"The house is still in wonderful shape, but the previous owners let the condition of the grounds slide a bit." -cta
"Trust me, this is the best way to be sure that we all die at the same time. Ready?"
"Walk-out basement, Fall-out basement. Eh, whatever." -cta
"Wine cellar? No it's more like a 'terrifying scream' cellar." -cta
"The framing is all completed, but you might have to 'plummet' yourself." -cta
Let me guess. The last owner was a bespectacled curmudgeon who landed here with his boy scout friend after his balloons ran low on helium.
"Good question. Let's just say it used to have a garage."
"The kids always wanted a teeter-totter."
dwilk
It has a detached garage.
Jim Cavanaugh
"This house is a real lemming"
"'Infity edge pool' is realtor jargon for 'your house is going to fall into the ocean'"
"You're dwelling on the cliff instead of the dwelling on the cliff."
dwilk
Shut up Bob, everyone knows your home's a cliff-on.
--Dex
"It's perfectly safe now. We got rid of the poltergusts."
The main floor is chopped up, but the basement has an open floor plan.
Rocko
Let's be amicable. I'll take the car and you can keep the house.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Screw this, let's just go back to Amityville."
"The market's recovering! DON'T JUMP!"
And the nominees for Best Actor are: JEFF BRIDGES in "The Door in the Floor II: Watch Out It's a Real Doozy." (applause)
"You're not selling me Helen Keller's house."
"Honey, it's fine. We can put a ramp in front for your mother's wheelchair and she can have the quiet room in the back."
The sellers recently relocated so it's currently vacant.
"Psssst..., pretend you're not in love with it."
Hank
"It's butte-tee-ful. I give you twenty dollars now and forty dollars on Thursday if it still here, no?"
Jorge
"But what happened to the last house on the left?"
"I don't mind seeing the Birds, but they never clean the droppings out of their roost."
"What's that, Housey? Timmy fell down this giant gorge? Good work, boy! But you should probably stop slobbering over him."
"Who are you kidding? This has always been your lot in life."
"Oh, that's just God's easement."
"Well sure, but we're also looking at the last house for sale in the state's best school district."
I'm so happy you're interested in the property, Mr. Beck. It is, after all, the last house remaining from the City on the Hill.
The previous owner sold the mineral rights to BP. Fraking natural gas wells....
Sorry about that. A creeper blew up last night.
I know Thelma was the wild one, but this place was Louise's idea.
As Mr. Silverstien found out, this is where the sidewalk ends.
"Didn't that sign out front say 'NO TIPPING'?"
"Let's see. It's 20 percent down, and the balance is due...um, it's negotiable."
It's light and airy and has a view to die for!
"This is some bluff, isn't it?"
"It's what we in the industry call a 'Gooch'."
I was hoping you would drop over.
Rocko
"Big deal. There's a 75 ton counterbalance by the fireplace."
The current owners are underwater.
-Lev/Leo
You'd rather live in a black neighborhood?
"Aaaarchie, I still don't see why we have to move."
"Because, Edith, that fuckin' Meathead will never move out and this is even farther away from those eastside Jeffersons. Now go get my chair from the car."
"When you folks told me you were teetering on bankruptcy, I just knew I had the perfect home for you."
One thing you don't have to worry about are those pesky developers.
"There's very solid earth on the front end of the property and somewhat aerated soil in back. Perfect conditions for gardening at about half the cost."
short sale, steep drop in price
This is no house of ill-repute. It says here it's insulated with "Kentucky Jelly"
"Go ahead, take a look around inside, suckers, er, uh, 'Mr. and Mrs. Banks'. I'll wait here."
"In a few thousand years, the tide will rise high enough to push the house forward a couple hundred yards. Think of the return on your investment then!"
"This house ROCKS!"
"In Soviet Union, yuri housey andropov a cliff"
Dorthy just loved that old Darkie lawn jockey but now all she talks about are flying monkeys
Oh Tad,you and Brady could actually share an actual Cape Cod that is Actually in Cape Cod.Oh The irony of it all!
"Look, we buy it now, roll it over into the valley, resale it at a higher price and get the tax exemption to boot. I know what I'm fucking doing."
dwilk
"Must suck to be hung over all the time."
"Few selling, you crazy bastion of despair? How the heck are you still alive?"
dwilk
"Honey, what happens if the market goes off a cliff? We don't want to be under water on the mortgage."
Rumor is that the sellers are highly motivated-
"No, there is no lien on this house. Um...just how do you spell that?"
"...and last year the owners had a wild Sinkhole de Mayo party."
"You're looking for a split-level? Come back next week."
"I don't usually ask about my clients' political persuasions, but, in this case, it might be better if you leaned to the left."
"Ever hear of the term 'housing starts'? Well, if this housing starts falling down the mountain, head for the hills."
"Now that's what I call real estate listing!"
"A house united can stand."
"It's in a precarious state -- California. Al, are you in there?"
"The seller took a bad fall last week. Remains to be seen where he landed."
Rob
The houses here careen
"House. It hanging!"
"..and this house was owned by Charlie Sheen during one of his more stable periods..." -cta
"The current owner is Howard Elliot, the seesaw scion."
"I'm sorry, that was a typo. Instead of saying 'the house is a beaut,' the ad should have said 'the house is on a butte.'"
"Honey, I shall name our new estate 'The US as Run by Obama". It's not as catchy as Reata, Wayne Manor, or Southfork, but it works. Btw, are we in Kenya?"
Mr. and Mrs. al are giving Eric G. a great deal on the old place.
NoPatsFan
"You might say it's a fixer-downer."
I read your book Mr. Rumsfeld, and I'd love to put you into this house.
Jim Cavanaugh
Thanks, but we're waiting to get in at the bottom.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Go ahead and jump, House. You've always been a loser. Absolutely no one will miss you."
"Your erosion insurance policy was in the basement?"
Is that house eating cookies?
It looks kind of crumby!
"Is the pope catholic? Do they sell stamps at the post office? Did the Jets win the Super Bowl?"
Hank
Make an offer quick before it becomes a cracked house.
"Not only is it a Cape Cod house, the good news is that it will soon actually be situated on Cape Cod."
“It’s my best listing by a landslide.”
Rob
"Buy now, pay later."
"Like so many other first time buyers, you're just a down payment away from living on the edge."
"Scab house. You don't even need to pick at it. It will fall off all by itself."
“Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll come to an agreement . . . just don’t get pushy.”
---blw
"Makes you shutter, doesn't it?"
"What part of dirt-cheap don't you understand?"
Peter Bear
"Jeez, I told you this would happen if we left the kids alone for the night . . . didn't you learn anything from that drive in the desert five weeks ago???"
---blw
"Don't worry, it's not a crack house."
"If they can overlook it, so can you."
"There she was, quietly reading 'Gone With the Wind' on her Kindle, when her water broke."
"And it's still part of a triple "A" rated security."
"And the schools in this area are first-rate."
Really? I hear there's a high drop-out rate.
School Dazed
"Don't worry, it comes with a lifetime warranty."
"Are you two up for a self guided tour?"
"Mr. Wilpon, is there anything you can't run aground?"
"If the house is a rockin', don't come knockin'. Because you'll plummet to your death."
He's locked himself in room 237 and refuses to issue a winner. I did find stacks of paper with the following typed methodically: "all work and no play makes alinla a dull boy."
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