NOTE: First let me say the Anti-Caps last week were surprisingly good. If the following comments seem rushed and abbreviated there is a good reason. We moved last week and still do not have our cable and wi-fi up and running. It's Sunday night and I am at my mom-in-law's house. Mrs. al in la is watching the Oscars and I am in the next room doing this. I don't have much time so here goes. Better effort in the weeks ahead--I promise.
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"I visited your bitch of a mother today. She was a fighter. And I didn't know she had a pacemaker! Anyhow, it's on your nightstand." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Excellent imagery. It a highly competitive week this stood out. This suggests a daughter-in-law ripped the heart out of her husband's mom. Usually it is the other way around.)
SECOND PLACE
"No, you can't use your safe word on Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. You'll watch it, and you'll cry, bitch!" --NJtoTX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Steel Magnolias may have worked better but your point is well taken.)
THIRD PLACE
"I hear the Duct Tape A L'Orange is to die for" --OSH (JUDGE'S COMMENTS Three minutes after this was posted "Dom Estever" added this far less interesting entry: "The Duct tape l'orange is knot all it's Quacked to be!" This is the opposite of building on success.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"You are truly a pathetic excuse for a government employee. I didn't tie a single knot."---Suzanna L. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An excellent point. At the Staten Island DMV you would have to wait an hour on line to find out what line you have to wait on. This reminded me of that.)
No, fuck you! --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works on few levels. Thanks Johnny, you are as cleaver as you are handsome.)
"Now do you think you'll be able to ignore your Blackberry for one frickin' meal?" --LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We've all been there.)
I'm a big believer in taking it slow. I wouldn't think of hooking up electrodes to your testicles until at least the salad course. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I repeat: we've all been there.)
A Thai place? Oh my god, I'm so sorry.--Leo/Lev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We like puns here no matter how predictable.)
No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dine. -- David (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because "dine" sounds a little like "die." You can't make this stuff up.)
"Bondage. Jane Bondage."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I had more time I would tell you about an interview I did with Pia Sands. She is a porn star who played "Jane Bonda" in the porn spoff "Bizarre Workout." This was the late 80's.)
That's Bondage-James Bondage! --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Same joke, more or less.)
Fusilli, in crazy bondage how are you? --S.M. Noodle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic. )
Futility! You crazy bastard. How are you going to get out? --JohnnyB
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Classic lite.)
You ordered the fusilli? You crazy bastard how are you going to eat it?--fittobetied (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Classic camp.)
"In Soviet Russia, date rapes you!" --David (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I like classics but this makes no sense. Date rape involves being raped by your date. "Rape dates you." makes no sense.)
The hours here are demeaning.--boundtofail (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another reach. )
This radical combined exposure therapy has proven to be remarkably effective in simultaneously treating alcoholism, over-eating and social anxiety. However, in some subjects, a latent S&M fetish emerges. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sounds like the guy in the chair is a Red Sox fan.)
Well, Eric G., it was the only way to keep you from touching yourself when the Patriots were playing.---james (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks james!)
"This...and I cannot make myself any clearer...is the New Normal." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kathy continues to show marginal improvement.)
You're going to stay like that until you think of a funny caption.-- Austin in PA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If that's Johnny B. in the chair it will be a long wait.)
.[Tim H accepts the Academy Award for Ironic Photo-Posing. In mocking the cartoons and the cartoon caption contest in The New Yorker, Tim H said from the podium, "Just like Playboy and the U.S. Constitution, I read The New Yorker for the articles."] --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Since I wrote most of this while watching the Oscars...)
How alinla envisions his granddaughter's first date, 35 years from now.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I appreciate the sentiment but, why 35 years? Jim, in 35 years she will not be on a first date.)
You're tangled up and blew. Or should I say 'blown'? Whatever - you got your bondage and blow job. Happy anniversary, Al. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One thing about Johnny B and me: We always did feel the same we just saw it from a different point of view.)
115 comments:
Loosen up already. This is supposed to be fun.
No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dine.
"Would like a little walleye on your bagel?"
"Now do you think you'll be able to ignore your Blackberry for one frickin' meal?"
Now that I've got you tied down for a minute, we can finally discuss the "big O" problem hanging over this relationship.
How alinla envisions his granddaughter's first date, 35 years from now.
Jim Cavanaugh
You haven't touched your wine, dear.
Sheila's magic tricks were getting out of hand. But how did she get the flames to separate from the candles like that?
"I told your boss you were tied up."
Seriously, you can't even eat spaghetti without getting it all over you and you think I'd be interested in a second date?
You're tangled up and blew. Or should I say 'blown'? Whatever - you got your bondage and blow job. Happy anniversary, Al.
"I like my men like I like my pasta --- al dente."
Let's let the wine breathe a bit while we wait for the Stockholm syndrome to kick in.
Tell me where the chocolate is.
"I loved your profile on Bondage.com."
I'm thinking a nightcap and then maybe little waterboarding back at my place?
Don't you just love these RNC after-parties?
Rocko
"Did I take your son to an aquarium? There's plenty of fish in the lake down the road, and your Mercedes doesn't float. So, yes."
"I visited your bitch of a mother today. She was a fighter. And I didn't know she had a pacemaker! Anyhow, it's on your nightstand."
"You are truly a pathetic excuse for a government employee. I didn't tie a single knot."
"Tie-dyed or Dine tied. What difference does it make?"
"I think tou should try the ropa vieja."
"...you should try..."
"Bondage. Jane Bondage."
dwilk
Kathy H. finally agreed to go out with Johhny B., but she set some conditions.
matchmaker
"I picked it for it's hint of cedar and eucalyptus and because it's highly flammable."
Rob
I thought you said to slip into something SLINKY tm
"I hear the Duct Tape A L'Orange is to die for"
Fusilli, in crazy bondage how are you?
The Duct tape l'orange is knot all it's Quacked to be!
"Tapeworms make me horny."
Helminthes. It's Helminthes
"'No strings attached' my muff!"
"I like my men well hung."
Bev
"Max, I really love the redesigned Cone of Silence"
"We're breaking up; you've got mummy issues"
"It's OK. I'm a school teacher."
---blw
"Ever see Hard Candy? or Misery?"
“’If my hands are tied must I not wonder within/Who tied them and why and where must I have been?’ . . . Yeah, I know that’s what you’re thinking . . . that and what’s for dinner.”
---Minnesota Slim
"Can I wrap your forearms next time? It's kind of odd for them to stick out like that."
"Are you feeling rheumatic yet?"
dwilk
"I'll let that slide, and you're not exactly Harry fucking Houdini."
dwilk
"I find a glass of wine at the end of the day tends to loosen me up. How about you?"
---blw
"I find a glass of wine at the end of the day tends to loosen me up. How about you?"
---blw
“As you may have guessed, I’m ready to tie the knot.”
---blw
"...and then we'll watch Almodóvar's Tie Me Up! Tie me Down!"
I'm a big believer in taking it slow. I wouldn't think of hooking up electrodes to your testicles until at least the salad course.
"Thanks for going along. When one is a restaurant critic like me, one must use distractions to keep one's identity secret."
Good work, Odysseus, but I wish you had brought some Trojans.
-Lev
It's not that I'm ashamed that we met on JDate, exactly, but ...
-Leo
"And after dinner I thought we'd both hang out under the oak tree."
Bev
A Thai place? Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
-Leo/Lev
"Carrie Fisher. And yours?"
"I'm sorry you lost your legs to an IED, but I'm fucking tired of having to prop you up."
Rob
"And after we eat, there'll be some dancing while I play 'Stuck in the Middle with You' and then viciously slice off your ear."
Now do you want to know how it would feel if I were "literally" suffocating you? You schmuck.
-Leo/Lev
"I see you know the ropes."
"How do you like my hempline?"
This is a good start, but I'll need access to your nipples for the hot wax.
m.sade
That's Bondage-James Bondage!
Clearly, this is no gag.
"By now you must realize that part of a date with moi, Kathy Griffin, is working the red carpet."
"No, Brad, you're not bound to get laid tonight."
Bev
"Which restaurant do I like better, Mario's or this one? Hmmm. I guess it's a tie."
"Oh Han, the fava beans on their way. Hfph...hfph...hfph...hfph!!"
"In Soviet Russia, date rapes you!"
I warned you the lasagna would bind you up.
Rocko
This radical combined exposure therapy has proven to be remarkably effective in simultaneously treating alcoholism, over-eating and social anxiety. However, in some subjects, a latent S&M fetish emerges.
Well, Eric G., it was the only way to keep you from touching yourself when the Patriots were playing.
illegaluseofthehands
"You think this is bad? Wait 'til March Madness!"
Rose Ceremony, Schrose Ceremony. What I got here is a Rope Ceremony! Capische?
"This...and I cannot make myself any clearer...is the New Normal."
You're a knotty boy.
Jim Cavanaugh
"I'm so glad you're joining my rotisserie league."
Rob
"You've heard of the expression Rope-A-Dope, right? Well..."
"Oh, so you thought I said that we we're going to Cafe Europa..."
It's time for a little role playing. I'm the Governor of Wisconsin and you're the public employee unions.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Honey, you are so sweet! You wore a tie to dinner."
"How 'bout them Knicks?"
"You spool that dog!"
"Your linguine is showing."
"You got ties on, Gil."
Okay,okay I get it. You're an heir to the 3M fortune.
"I want to be close. Glenn Close."
Bev
"Practicing being married was a great idea. Well, what do you think?"
"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to untie."
“I hate you—don’t leave me.”
dwilk
Just wait till next year, when Al gets to watch the "Office" rerun about the caption contest.
"Duct tape, quack!"
"So tell me about your day."
[Tim H accepts the Academy Award for Ironic Photo-Posing. In mocking the cartoons and the cartoon caption contest in The New Yorker, Tim H said from the podium, "Just like Playboy and the U.S. Constitution, I read The New Yorker for the articles."]
I was date-raped once.
Rocko
"I'm so glad we came here for a romantic breakfast at Windows on the World. But how did you get wrapped up like that?"
Would you like to seek a non-binding agreement?
Jim Cavanaugh
"And for dessert, it's the Chinese Water Torture Cell. Escape that, and I'll let you 'Escape this marriage.' as you so blithely put it this morning."
"Gag you? First off, the Coq au vin here is to DIE for, and you've got the best dinner conversation of anybody I know."
- Wolfgang Bang
(Viet/German Illusionist)
You're going to stay like that until you think of a funny caption.
As soon as Mr. Lector returns, we'll start the main course.
Amanda Knox is late. Think we should start without her?
"Wait until I order the tablewear."
"Remember, darling, always bend at the knees when you lift."
“You’re just bound to make this all about yourself, aren’t you?”
---left coast wayne
“Honey, is something wrong? You hardly touched your meal at all.”
---left coast wayne
“You’re probably wondering why I’ve brought you here tonight.”
---left coast wayne
The hours here are demeaning.
boundtofail
[Nod to james...and/or Rocko]
"I was date-roped once."
"Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheynu Melech haolam, borey pri hagafin.
Blessed are You Lord our God King of the universe who has created the fruit of the vine, and put this bound man in front of me.
"Sorry for the precautions, but I've never dated a Congressman who tried to redefine rape before."
"Thank you so much for coming tonight."
"Oh, and the best man, too."
"Yes, this IS a delicious chianti! It will go well when I cook up your liver with some fava beans."
"Although I have tied you to a chair, you don't have to WINE about it. Also, I am going to kill you now."
"Tie me kangaroo down, sport."
"Now, where were we before I had to tie you to the chair. Oh, right. You said something about wanting to see other people?"
You have a flat!?!? I thought you needed me To Tie Ryan!
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