WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"No, you're out of toilet paper, your honor."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No doubt, there are those who will say: "After two weeks THIS is what you pick?" Their tone would be dripping with distant and disbelief. But I am unencumbered by such petty second guessing. This is a great Ain't Cap. While I am not fond of bathroom humor as soon as I read this I said "There's your winner!" That kind of revelation seldom comes.)
SECOND PLACE
"Who do you think you are, Roscoe Pound?" --El Jefeno (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a very profound comment on an ordinary women emerging from beneath the bench. Nathan Roscoe Pound (October 27, 1870 – June 30, 1964) had a profound impact on the legal profession by reminding fellow lawyers that they should keep in mind ther real world implications of their work. He famously said the lawyering was "no less a public service because it may incidentally be a means of livelihood." At the time, lawyers were a bunch of stuffy high-brow elitist assholes. Roscoe is widely credited with removing the stuffy high-brow part. This is much classier than the top winner, which is, of course, why it was edged out.)
THIRD PLACE
That's either the sound of justice or a flank steak suitably tender and ready for searing.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As is so frequently the case. bonehead comes up just a little short. He too remarks on the clash of a high falutin legal setting with the quirks of everyday reality, but he screwed it up: meat that is ready to be cooked does not make a sound. The sizzle only comes when it is thrown into the pan. But still good enough to capture an imaginary bronze metal.)
(NOTE: No time this week to do the different color italic thing for all the comments. Live with it.)
HONORABLE MENTION
Disguised as victim #5, Mrs. Turnblott entered the courtroom in the prosecution's effort to invoke panic and possibly a confession from the defendant. It didn't work. Simon Maskowitz raped her right in front of the jury.--- Disrobe is Juuust Right (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tasteless and confusing. If Mr. Maskowitz is the defendant and he was in fact compelled to assault this women in open court, wouldn't the jury have smoking gun evidence [so to speak] to convict? Still, this was also entered on Valintine's Day and there is a very slight romantic angle so...)
Justice is served! --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: By now it is clear that Johnny is terrible at this contest but he persists like a horny Middle Eastern man in a Vegas disco. I want to comment him for the shortness of this cap though.)
"All right, I'll fix all the animatronics in the Wacky Racist Courts of the Ol' South attraction by morning. But you know my price: fifty Disney Dollars, and your first-born grandson." --Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can't help but like the creativity here, but there appears to be no racist element to this drawing. This leads me to believe either Walt sees racism every where he looks or he's just an idiot. Either way it made me smirk.)
"The court finds that the legal rights of your motion to come out of the closet shall be sustained but your request to cross-dress examine the witness...Over Ruled!" --zenparadiddle (btw, The Mrs. sent me)--(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't care who sent you. We don't play favorites here. Pretty good cap. It may be a comment on how Justice Antonin Scalia believes you can be put in jail for what you do in your bedroom. Scalia said a Texas law against consensual sodomy in private "undoubtedly imposes constraints on liberty. So do laws prohibiting prostitution, recreational use of heroin, and, for that matter, working more than 60 hours per week in a bakery." That's really what he said. I get the sense the writer of this Anti-Cap knew that--perhaps a little but too well.)
"The Ambiguous-Speaker Cartoon Character Court will come to order." Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The women in the robe is the one flapping her gums but for some reason it looks like the witness's mouth has been whited out or something. Nice work.)
"Hey asshole, could you give the defense a rest for once?" --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Exactly what the women in the bath robe would say. I guess.)
"Hear ye, hear ye! I order the marshals to arrest immediately New Yorker editor David Remnick, cartoon editor Robert Mankoff, and cartoonist Zachary Kamin for crimes against humor and humanity."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kathy, baby, sweetheart...people who live in glasshouses... Nice insider knowledge, though, I'll give you that.)
"One more outburst like that and I will clear this cartoon!"-- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is only funny if you assume someone had just farted. By the way Tim, could you talk to Kathy about her lame capping.)
"She does make a good oral argument, counselor."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of those "If you know what I mean caps." Not at all funny but the New Yorkeer would scoff so we have to gave it minor props here.)
NO! DOOR OUT OF ORDER! THIS WHOLE COURTROOM'S OUT OF ORDER! --Hal Pacino (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Little know fact: Al Pacino has an obnoxious old brother who writes only in upper case.)
Dick Cheney's wet dreams usually feature Karl Rove, Carrot Top and Herman Munster. --Austin in PA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What this has to do with the cartoon I don't know and besides Chaney wet dreams involve elderly poor folks freezing to death because they're too poor to buy heating oil, either that or puppies being tortured.)
[not an entry] Recreational captioning reached some sort of cultural tipping point last week on "The Office." That would seem to be the theme of some recent entries here. ---Gabe (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It smells like an entry. I only watch day time reruns of the office so I don't get it.)
"Not to worry. Judge al's gavel hand always flutters when I rub his tummy."-- Yo Dog (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Horrible cap The problem is no one is worried. Also I don't have a gavel hand and I don't think tummy should be used for anyone over four.)
Just then a bolt of lightningStruck the courthouse out of shameAnd while ev'rybody knelt to prayThe drifter did escape . . . in her robe and slippers. ---the Hibbing Hotshot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes yes Got it Dylan. Let's move on.)
Our paralegals provide pro boner service, your honor.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim is either in junior high school or should be.)
"Captain Pike, Spock...Fuck it everybody...You're all free! Vina just gave me the best Talosian BJ of my life. I have jack-fodder for eternity. Nerve-pinch my neck so I know I'm not dreaming." --Judge from the Menagerie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jack-foddeer but no joke fodder.)
Ad hominem insults, baseless and innacurate insinuations of homosexuality, racism, stupidity and short stature, all based on a weeks' old good-natured jab? Methinks the judge doth protest too much. Now, where's my shovel? ---Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here the deal you short fat fudge packer, I hate the Red Sox and I hate the Patriots. I just do and I can't help it. Now go home and get your shine box--I mean shovel.)
The court does hereby issue a restraining order enjoining Mr. Eric G. from any and all contact with Mr. Tom Brady, and, further, from physical proximity to Mr. Brady of a distance of less than 100 feet.---Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What about Eric's spank-bank? How to we get Tom out of there and on to a team wehere he can'y hear anyone, the Texans say.)
I don't see my shadow. That means six more days of this cartoon. -- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Funny. And not just JohnnyB-funny. I mean really funny.)
"No, Counselor, I don't think affidavit is better than none at all!" -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Aff a...half a. I had to read this like five time before I got it.)
"Do you have any toilet paper?" Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See this week's winner to see how this could have worked.)
"I just got Nova to sleep and you're up here banging your gavel?! What the hell is wrong with you?" --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice one. Thanks.)
"Because it's a two-weeker, your honor. That's why I broke the five-cap maximum rule. And because al in la said I could, that's why." --Satireguy. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I said no such thing.)
"al, if you think you're judging jack-shit on Valentine's Day, you're fucking wrong. As for your faceless posse of moderately-funny minions, tell each of them to 'get a life'. Now rub my feet, make me dinner, change Nova, and make tender love to me. AM I CLEAR?" --mrs. alinla (JUDGE'S COMMENT: She never talks like that. In fact she's got everything delightful...takes the wheel when I'm seeing double, pays my ticket when I speed. [In fairness though she does get foot cramps.] I often tell her she is my biggest and only fan. And I love her more than anything or anyone...and always will.)
121 comments:
"That's not what I meant by a gag order."
Bev
It does please the court.
Justice is served!
Oh, man! "Honorable mention" to Kathy H! Anyone else?
I am hummered by the faces of your victims.
"Hear ye, hear ye! I order the marshals to arrest immediately New Yorker editor David Remnick, cartoon editor Robert Mankoff, and cartoonist Zachary Kamin for crimes against humor and humanity."
"Yeah, yeah; the son killed the hooker and the dad is covering for it because he has an alibi. Now hurry up; sauna's ready."
Even the witness protection program hasn't been untouched by the recession.
"She does make a good oral argument, counselor."
Rob
The orals here are obscene.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Counselor, might I remind you that 'The liquor store was closing in five minutes' is hardly a defense of your client's DUI charge. However, 'Being chased by a New Yorker cartoonist' might do the trick."
"She's Agnes. She's the clerk of the lower court."
"Keep it down up there. I'm trying to run a brothel in here."
"I've never been a fan of innuendo or double speak, so, yes, I just sucked the judge's ball."
"Not to worry. Judge al's gavel hand always flutters when I rub his tummy."
"One more outburst like that and I will clear this cartoon!"
"OBJECTION, your honor! That's ALLEGED Killer bathroom attendant"
"Pay no attention to that woman behind the door!"
dwilk
"Don't mind her. She's simply the curator of the courtroom artwork."
"I must amend my previous arrest order. It's cartoonist Zachary Kanin I'm after."
The electric chair? It's in the boardroom like you asked, your honor.
By last count you honor, we have 12 angry men and one tired beaver.
"Let the record show that the accused did not flush."
"Here cum de judge. Here cum de judge. Order in the court now, here cum de judge."
Rob
This would be funnier if we were at the beach. Or a skating rink.
Judge Judy decides to come out of retirement.
(Corrected)
By last count your honor, we have 12 angry men and one tired beaver.
Investigators determined that the fire was started by a defective Sabre brand printer.
And so a young female emerged from a deep, dark tunnel and came under the watchful eyes of the overseeing judge.
That's not a gavel. This is a gavel.
NO! DOOR OUT OF ORDER! THIS WHOLE COURTROOM'S OUT OF ORDER!
Wow Judge , are you always that Brief?
"I'm done. Anyone else want to give him head?"
Dick Cheney's wet dreams usually feature Karl Rove, Carrot Top and Herman Munster.
I draw the line at bukkake.
"Hostile witness, case dismissed, court recessed, disrobe, beer, sex."
dwilk
"Don't judge me!"
"It might interest you all to know that Alice here coined the phrases habeas corpus and res ipsa loquitur."
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce Alice Aforethought."
[not an entry] Recreational captioning reached some sort of cultural tipping point last week on "The Office." That would seem to be the theme of some recent entries here.
“I need a change of scenery . . . where’s that ‘hung’ jury you were telling me about?”
---blw
"Get off the playing field; you're a bench-warmer."
Just then a bolt of lightning
Struck the courthouse out of shame
And while ev'rybody knelt to pray
The drifter did escape . . .
in her robe and slippers.
---the Hibbing Hotshot
Our paralegals provide pro boner service, your honor.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Captain Pike, Spock...Fuck it everybody...You're all free! Vina just gave me the best Talosian BJ of my life. I have jack-fodder for eternity. Nerve-pinch my neck so I know I'm not dreaming."
"The Ambiguous-Speaker Cartoon Character Court will come to order."
Guilty your honor. Of sleeping through Oprah again.
“Like I need another wake-up call from the justice system??? Knock off the pounding, Mr. High-and-Mighty, and let me get back to solitary.”
---blw
“I’m all done now. It’s someone else’s turn. Don’t forget to flush.”
---blw
WILFRED !! I'm not gonna tell you again: Put down that friggin gavel, take off that robe and come to bed!!
OHHH - you meant review 'their' legal briefs! Sorry
"All right, I'll fix all the animatronics in the Wacky Racist Courts of the Ol' South attraction by morning. But you know my price: fifty Disney Dollars, and your first-born grandson."
As our demonstration shows, your honor, Mr. Ramirez is guilty of public urination, which is about the best thing that ever happened at Fenway.
Rocko
"Who the hell parked their Nova down here?"
"Want me to send up the dumwaiter?"
Which of us are you asking to "zip it?"
"Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow. You're only a dayyyy awayyyyyyyyy."
Bev
"Your honor, I would like to call my surprise witness, Miss Hedy Lamarr, aka Super-Hedy. I see she has already made your acquaintance."
"So sorry to interrupt you, counselor. This trial will recess until nooner, that is, (ahem) noon."
"Excuse me, counselor. The judge and I would like to see you in (bed)chambers."
"Objection, your honor. It is not the counselor's motion, but the size of his boat that is inadmissible."
Well, it wasn't a gavel. He really was happy to see me.
Has anyone seen Obama's birth certificate in here?
Hair unkempt, tattered bathrobe revealing far too much skin -- that was the moment when Sue lost her appeal.
I know to you, I may look old
Hope this statement ain't too bold, but
Here come de judge
Here come de judge
"A door in the court! A door in the court!"
"Next case: Arrested sexual development. Counsel is to take this pro boner and do his best to get her off." -cta
Ad hominem insults, baseless and innacurate insinuations of homosexuality, racism, stupidity and short stature, all based on a weeks' old good-natured jab? Methinks the judge doth protest too much. Now, where's my shovel?
"Got any WD-40?"
The mute court's transcript will show that no one's talking.
"Who's there?"
"Your Honor, you're on a roll!"
"The court will now hear evidence from the prostitution."
dwilk
That's not funny. Case dismissed.
albethejudgeofthat
"Nothing to see here, judge. Just another New Yorker cartoonist drawing a courtroom scene with absolutely no sense of scale."
"Now that's a verdict!"
"...to..."
These Automated Public Conveniences get more elaborate every year.
The Grim Slipper emerged from lock-up to replace Det. Mahoney on the stand - a conviction in this case already a foregown conclusion. Never again would this monster robe an unsuspecting woman of her life and future.
Marcia Clark and a can of baked beans. Presto, my very own gas chamber!
"Your Honor, I now call Mrs. Inna Mouff, a professional wet nurse. She will demonstrate how the witness, whom she breastfed from birth, and still does, during times of stress and disillusionment, was busy suckling when the crime was committed. He could not possibly have been burped in time enough to arrive home to murder his wife. Dim the lights, please."
"No Mr. Bond, now that your mommy is here, I expect you to cry."
Get it? Judicial robe? Bathrobe?
The court does hereby issue a restraining order enjoining Mr. Eric G. from any and all contact with Mr. Tom Brady, and, further, from physical proximity to Mr. Brady of a distance of less than 100 feet.
Rocko
"Has anyone seen my chambermaid outfit?"
"I've got this shower thing, and it's fucking golden."
"If you wanted the gavel trick, you only had to ask."
"No, you're out of toilet paper, your honor."
"I used to be Miss Trial, but then he knocked me up."
"You want something to object to? Try living under here after burrito night!"
"Do you want your law suits dry cleaned?"
"I am haunted by the faces of my victims, your honor. And sometimes by their dowdy, bathrobe-clad slovenly bodies too."
"Amicus curiae indeed, you gavel-pounding pinhead!"
"Court recessed until Monday, February 21."
I don't see my shadow. That means six more days of this cartoon.
Slipping past the heavy coats, she was surprised not to exit into the sweet air of Narnia, as a younger, sexier version of herself. Clearly there had been a serious wardrobe malfunction. --supergeek
"While this matter of the opportunistic homeless woman is clearly an open and shut case, it is simply not in this court's jurisdiction." --stuporgeek
"Because it's a two-weeker, your honor. That's why I broke the five-cap maximum rule. And because al in la said I could, that's why."
Disguised as victim #5, Mrs. Turnblott entered the courtroom in the prosecution's effort to invoke panic and possibly a confession from the defendant. It didn't work. Simon Maskowitz raped her right in front of the jury.
"al, if you think you're judging jack-shit on Valentine's Day, you're fucking wrong. As for your faceless posse of moderately-funny minions, tell each of them to 'get a life'. Now rub my feet, make me dinner, change Nova, and make tender love to me. AM I CLEAR?"
"The court finds that the legal rights of your motion to come out of the closet shall be sustained but your request to cross-dress examine the witness...Over Ruled!"
(btw, The Mrs. sent me)
"Say 'Hello' to the mother of all verdicts, you heinous yegg."
"Don't bother coming in the closet. I have a pounding headache."
"Who do you think you are, Roscoe Pound?"
She glared. Just who the hell was HE to decide what constituted mallet-adjusted behaviour?! -stuporgeek
That's either the sound of justice or a flank steak suitably tender and ready for searing.
"Do you have any toilet paper?"
"No, Counselor, I don't think affidavit is better than none at all!" -cta
"Oh great, here we go -- this divorce is starting to get real ugly!" -cta
"...clearly an attempt to hide from her creditors.." -cta
"I just got Nova to sleep and you're up here banging your gavel?! What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Show me a lawyer who bills over 24 hours a day, and I'll show you a lawyer who owns an iPad."
Your honor, this is an open and shut base.
Jim Cavanaugh
This post has been removed by order of the court.
Lame cartoon + extra week = fault the New Yorker. Al/We is/are blameless.
Call me crazy, but could/should we take the power back? Commission/appropriate a contest image for the odd week when NY denies us one?
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"Do you want your law suits dry cleaned?"
I would like to share it with all my friends and hope they will like it too.
Bom
www.imarksweb.org
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