The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #274 (Happy now, Kathy?)

Note: What a week! I became a grandfather, the Steelers lost the Super Bowl and some team from Wisconsin won...let's see what else? Well, that was pretty much it. But the grand father part is very exciting. I forgot how tiny babies are or how they cry with almost no provocation. The photo I posted last week was taken in the hospital the day after she was born. It is already my favorite photo. In fairness, she started crying shortly after the picture was taken so I handed her off to her mom--which is the best part about grand-parenting.
As for the Super Bowl, it was close but somehow not all that exciting. I thought Fox did an awful job covering it. Joe Buck sounds like a parody of a full-of-himself blow-hard announcer. During a pregame show that lasted for many hours, they had a bunch of flag waving to remind us we live in a nation of where 60 minutes of football can be stretched to nearly five hours, Then we had some bleached-blond chick with hooker red lipstick screw up the national anthem. I admit, however, that I hate all things Fox-related (except "The Simpsons" and even that has sucked in recent years.) While I generally like the Black Eyed Peas, there half time act was an absolute embarrassment. We got home late Sunday night so I didn't get around to post the Anti Cap winner until I got around to it Which is now: Tuesday morning at 2:40 a.m. As is tradition, I made it a tie because the caps were, generally speaking, pretty lame. Win some, lose some--right Pittsburgh?

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE (TIE)
"Last time, dumbass, we don't serve Ballentine's." --J_Beam (JUDGE'S COMMENT: More cute that cleaver. "Ballentine" is cheap beer that sounds a little like "ballet" and ballet dancers typically have names like Christine [That, by the way, is something that just occurs to me. I have no facts to back it up.] But this is sort of funny, which is why it tied for first rather than won. The signature--J_Beam--is a reference to Jimmy Bean, a brand of burbon best described as the poor man's Jack Daniels. So the author of this cap is definitely in the right neighborhood. )

FIRST PLACE (TIE)
“Every week it’s the same old ‘Bolshoi’ with you. Now, get outta’ here before I call the bouncer.”---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, every freaking week. This struck a minor cord. "Bolshoi" sounds like "bull shit." It also has something to do with ballet which is a form of entertainment I know almost nothing about. What's interesting is the tough-looking bartender needs to call a bouncer to evict these two. Maybe blw was making a comment on the Anti-Cap contest. Maybe if I picked fewer Honorable Mentions and deleted the really crappy caps. )

SECOND PLACE
"Look, Hosni, you and your friend don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." --The Egyptologist (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is reference to the head honcho in Egypt who's been in power for 30 years. After thousands rioted in the street to demand his ouster, he agreed not to seek re-election. We have seen this before: An incompetent, arrogant and dishonest leader to stupid to know he is hated. When he does leave office, he'll probably retire to his ranch and write a book about the tough decisions he had to make. He'll get good seats at the Super Bowl too.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I've found that the least talented scream the loudest, are the most abusive and the most self-assured. They've slept on my couches and puked on my rugs and drank my drinks and they have told me, continuously, of their greatness" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not funny and a bit long for my taste, but this is highly profound. No, I can't say it fits the cartoon, but it makes a statement. Maybe it is a quote from somewhere [I know it's not Dylan]. I also wonder how many couches does this guy have, and why did he invited these people over if they did all that. )

"Okay, you drive a hard bargain-- I'll take the cheap whiskey off your hands. . . but only if I get a 'handy' from Renee Richards over there" --Bernie_W (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This cap is awful but esoteric. Even in her prime, Renee never looked that good. She was born Richard Raskind but after undergoing a lopitoffamy, she sued for the right to play professional tennis with women. This cap has us believe she gives hand jobs to grease the wheels of commerce. She would have that tennis player's grip so there's that.)

"She won't be putting her feet up on THIS bar, mack. And ain't no Tschaikovsky on the jukebox." --You've Got Your Nureyev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This cap is also awful, but the spelling is impeccable. And it conjures an obvious pun. Why would the bartender be such a hard ass? Does anyone really call anyone "mack?" Are you starting to see what I mean about it being a lame week--Anti-Cap-wise?)


"For the last time, what you're lookin' for is spelled B-A-R-R-E." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Leave it to Kathy to set everyone straight. As crossword puzzle solvers know, the rail that ballet dancers use is not spelled "bar." They also know that a "nutcracker" refers not just to mentally unstable white trash from Mississippi. Thanks Kathy. )

Full nudity you crazy bastard! How are you gonna pole dance like that? The happy hours here are obscene.
Too frilly, you crazy bastard! How are you gonna lap dance in that?Belly up to the barre.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, Jim, Jim! Do you have an original ideas? If you don't it's okay. Just admit you have a problem. I will recognize no more classic cap variations from you until you agree to get help--or submit something worthwhile.)

"Great Posture but No Titties, you crazy bastard! How are you?"-- Braad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, please take note: This is what a clever classic looks like. And as for you Braad, better small and perky than big and saggy. [Am I right or wrong?] I almost picked this as the winner but I wanted it down here where Jim could see it --and learn from it.)

"No. I haven't seen mypalmike. Nope. Not since August 5, 2010." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is true. What's is more telling that it took six months for anyone to notice. )

"Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?"--George_B (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A line from "It's a Wonderful Life." It was not spoken by George Bailey, it was Nick the bartender. Yes, it fits, but whoever wrote this did nothing with it. Shame on you. I am not saying this contest would be better off if you were never born, but if this was submitted by a George who's last name rhymes with tush, I truly believe we would all be better off if poppy used a rubber when he mounted Babs that fateful night. I believe Clarence and his boss would agree. )

"Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint 'atmosphere.'...Now tell your friend Eric G. over there--the one wearing a tu-tu and pining for his boy friend Tom Brady--that we don't allow no stinkin' Patriot fans in here either!!" ---Guess Who? (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is more like it! Frankly, I think Eric has been a good sport. And if he wears a tu-tu and lusts after last season's MVP, that's his business. I can think of worst things--like running the nation's economy into the ground than showing your face at the Super Bowl.)

"Yous two look like the ballet of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest". --Oblig Dyl Ref (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another dumb pun, this one evoking a Dylan song. Most fans of the metal band Judas Priest have no idea where the name came from. That's why they are called head bangers. Still, as Bob sang in that song: "One should never be, where one does not belong.")

"Turn around and see the frown while she's doin' tricks for you."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another Dylan reference, this one from 'Like a Rolling Stone' It does not work here but, this was kind of a soft week. )

[This is the bestest of moments! Congrats to all!] But, you are going to have to decide: Will she grow up to "like baseball" or to "be a Mets fan." Tough choice. (I know; I'm a Mets fan.)] --All The Best Wishes To Grandpa Al in LA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for the warm wishes. but it's way too early to be taking cheap shots at the Mets. And if you are really are a Mets fan, you know as well as I do that Mets fans can be jerks.)

"I don't care if she is your grand daughter or how beautiful she is. No ID no beer." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't worry. I plan to shield her from bad things like things like tattoos, gross piecings and the L.A. Clippers.)

Yes, Nova is a beautiful name. Now, take her someplace classy.--al lelujah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: She's already been someplace classy: in her grandmother's arms. This a child who will know love, of that I can assure you.)

"She's very cute, adorable actually. Why won't you let me leave a comment?"
--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For the same reason I wouldn't use our good china if we were having a biker gang over for dinner and shots of whiskey. As I said I am going to protect this kid, teach her stuff and bask in her warming glow. That's the plan, anyway.)

"Uhm, pal, you might want to think twice before you go home with that ballerina from Hollywood Blvd." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may be a reference to a small army of trannies my wife and I ran into just before Christmas. If it's not, don't think twice, it's alright.)

"Contest 273...Contest 274. In this work-a-day world, does it really matter?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Note to Kathy: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT IT UP! At least you didn't use and bold face type or link to some obscure web site. I really can't stand it when you do that.)

["The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #274 (Happy now, Kathy?)"I takes a big man, al in la, to admit a small mistake. And they don't come any bigger than, al...in la.] --Happy Now, Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Is that a fat joke? It better not be. Also, if history has taught us anything, it's that correcting a mistake is not the same thing as admitting that a mistake has been made.)

Her name is "Kathy H". The "H" stands for "Pedantic". --JohnnyB (This one doesn't count) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I knew it's didn't stand for hilarious or hip. And yes Johnny it counts--it is, after all, the best cap you have submitted in weeks.)

I said "ball breaker", not "nut cracker". --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: First off, the punctuation goes inside the quotation marks. Second, and far more important, this cap makes no sense at all. )


When your friend starts caring about how his light beer tastes, he can take off his tutu and I'll give him a Miller Light. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Eric watch TV. Eric make joke. Let me clue you in son: light beer [or lite beer for that matter] is to beer what Finway Park is to a real baseball stadium; what the Patriots are to the Green Way Packers [my new favorite team], and what you are to a true Anti-Capper like Johnny B. [Okay, that last one crossed the line, but I'm stilled pissed at you for taunting me about the Jets--my old favorite team.])

I'm sorry. I clearly struck a nerve. If it's any consolation, I'm still haunted by Mookie Wilson and another two feet of snow are headed for Boston. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually it was Calvin Schiraldi's bad pitching and Bill Buckner's bad fielding that cost the Sox the '86 series. But maybe you're "haunted" by Mookie because you think he is a spook? Admit it Eric you are a Red Sox fan. Something to think about while you are out there shoveling snow.)
ONE MINUTE LATER
Don't get yer undies in a bundle. Around here, short and dumb folks can amount to great things. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That is simply not true--and you know it.)

I'm sorry, Eric. Tell Mr. Brady we don't have any openings.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I an fine with the imagery but there is a problem. In Eric's late night fantasies Brady is not a quarterback, he's a pitcher--if you get my drift. And speaking of drifts, isn't it time for Eric to get out there and do some more shoveling? I am going to ride my bike, then sit outside and have a beer. Why? Because it's 70 degrees and sunny here in L.A. Which is where I have lived now for 10 years and why I remain al in la.)