The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #270

Note: With few exceptions, you get the sense that New Yorker cartoonists are embittered bohemians who stew in their own bitterness. They scrap by on the hope that their ironic doodling will one day curry the favor of some Chardonnay drinking dandy who spends more on dry cleaning than they do on food. Pain and wit are the twin engines that propel them forward. Understandably, these artsy guys loath guys in suits because they run the world and are probably up to no good. This enduring sentiment is reflected in the cartoons we see in this contest.

Not long ago we had a cartoon where a business guy wandered lost on the beach, inviting riduicule. Now we have this poor sap descending rapidly in a parachute as his glasses and papers fly away. He appears to be talking on his cel phone and typing away on his laptop. Maybe it's a statement on the business man's basic instinct to immediately complain when things go wrong. Or maybe Mr. Yuppie Scum figures he can make a few calls and this will all go away. Better still, it could be a metaphor for the plummeting fortunes of the middle class males. Or maybe just another cartoon that favors disdain over logic. We've all been there.

WINNERS

.

First Place

Fred is unable to fully express the urgency of the situation as his new Google Chrome laptop has no caps lock key. --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A rare narrative cap that is slightly cryptic and very sharp. You see, Fred's life is ruled by technology. With no uppercase letters he can't say HOLY SHIT!! I never heard of the laptop mentioned, but I Googled it and YES! it's real. [I cannot verify that it lacks a cap lock key, but why would S.G. make that kind of thing up?] This really stood out. After checking the teeth and balls, I gave it best in show. )

.

Second Place
Hello. Cheapfares.com? What the fuck?--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is always an assumption that low prices come with hidden costs. From this we can only assume the discount price did not include a traditional runway type landing. Jetblue, for example, parks about a mile from the terminal at JFK and puts the passengers on a bus. This reminded me of that.)
.
Third Place
Dude, internet porn and sky diving is the ultimate.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A banner week for Rocko as he takes both the Silver and Bronze metals. [Always the bridesmaid] There are those whose lust for stimulus exceeds the bounds of logic and good taste. If he is a true hedonist, he'll be touching down into a limo through the sun roof where he'd find a cold Heineken and he could watch the Jets beat the Colts. Of course, I may be projecting.)
.

Honorable Mentions

"Parachute? I thought you said I'd be getting a golden shower."-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT So he would rather be pissed on than receive a cushy severance package. From this we deduce that some fetishes are more hardcore than others.)

Oh, shit! I'm about to land in Arizona and I just lost my papers. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worse, you may be shot by some deranged moron.)

"Hello, Geronimo Development Corporation? I'd like to negotiate a one-time limited license to use a portion of your name. ... No, shouted in mid-air. ... Sure, I'll hold." --Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: People jumping from a high place traditionally yell "Geronimo!" This suggests that those wishing to do so must first secure the rights. Or maybe this suit and tie guy simply believes this. A very savvy comment.)

I'm about to find out which is the bigger thrill - sky diving or having a pair of double d's in your lap.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT Yes, it looks like the guy's forward momentum will send him crashing into the cartoonist's initials, which are in fact D.D. The pun here also celebrates large breasts. So this is absurd, sexist and childish. Take the rest of the day off, Jim. You've earned it.)

"I don't mind losing these papers, but that Dd I really need!" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This also focuses on the initials in the lower right corner of the cartoon. Kathy--or "Katie-Boldface" as we call her around here--didn't match the creative flourish demonstrated by Jim in the above cap. But this also has the surreal thing we like so much here. Cheer up Kathy. You are as much a part of the contest as bad taste and awful puns)

"Oops, dropped my amicus curiae brief." --pretentious_prick (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As I'm sure you all know, this means "friend of the court brief." The signature reminds us why they call it that.)

"Honey, it's working! Focused sun rays passing through the makeshift parabolic lens are shrinking the unsightly cyst on my back. And, I'm still billable!" --Sunny Boner (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is pretty imaginative. It's not a parachute. It's some new fangled medical device that's treating a skin problem. The patient's productivity has not been compromised by the procedure. I had to read it a few times before I got it. Nice work, Sun.)


“Honey, please don’t buy Airborne Deluxe ™ again. My cold is gone, but I’m going to be late for work.” --al Choo! (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is strange but it refers to effervesant tablets that create a magic shield between you and coughing wheezing people. It is promoted by reminding people that airplanes are incubators for disease. So from this we assume the deluxe version ejects you from the aircraft when someone sneezes. Extra credit for the trademark designation.)

"Dammit Genie, sky and muff sound nothing alike." --Edwin Muffski. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But you can't deny there are similarites. Major Nelson once again rears his head and it looks like Genie screwed up another wish. But if Tony had any technique, he's be granting, not wishing .)

"Hey! Have I gone back in time? And is that Game Six of the 1986 World Series?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As always, thanks for the hot link, Kathy. Without a lick of research, I know this refers to some guy who dropped down on to the field of Shea Stadium during the '86 Series. He had a "Go Mets" banner and everybody cheered. The guy went to jail over this stunt rather than give up the pilot who would have lost his license if nabbed. Unlike Bill Buckner, though, he was released from prison and allowed to get on with his life.)

Yes Kathy H. you did but it's round 7 of the Bowe\Holyfield fight at Caesars Palace! --Evander Saywhat (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The bout was staged outdoors and some poor bastard tried a similar stunt. The spectators did not cheer. They beat the living shit out of him. The moral: Never land feet first on top of boxing fans even if it is totally unintentional.)

"I know, I'm running late. Let me get rid of this stupid parachute."--Dan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is ever so slightly funny because it pokes fun at short sighted people. I remember once driving like a maniac through a snow storm to get to Newark Airport only to find my flight was delayed by the foul whether. [Yeah, I know, duh.] I spend like four hours drinking in the airport bar before I finally got out. Serves me right.)

"Let me clarify. When you're on the clock, there is no "free fall." --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A free fall is what happens before the chute is deployed. This unmasks the brutality of capitalism and the banality of Eric's humor.)

Rocky: "'What's the truth, dammit?!' I sharted. Alright? You wanna hear me say it? You wanna bring me down? I sharted. For the first time in my life, I sharted.

Adrian: 'I sharted, too. There's nothin' wrong with that. I live with a sharter; my sharter.' --Rocky Landing III (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well thought out but way too gross and smelly esoteric. This is a long way to go for a soiled undies joke. If you don't get this you are a better person for it.)

“Oo-wee, you ride me high,

Tomorrow’s the day my bride’s gonna’ come;

Oh-ho, are we gonna’ fly

Down to the . . . uhhh . . . harsh reality of the unyielding earth.”---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From Dylan's "You Ain't Goin' Nowhere' which is on the double album The Basement Tapes. It was recorded in a house in upstate NY dubbed Big Pink. I don't like the song and think the album is overrated but this is the kind of info I know off the top of my head.)

I get hard every time I jump. I call it "chute willie," you crazy bastard! How hard are YOU--Knucklehead (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a week when we got scant few classic caps, this will have to do. Thanks, I suppose.)

Ranger school or Harvard MBA? I'm having a hard time deciding.

(One hour and 57 minutes later:)

Ranger school or Harvard MBA? I'm having a hard time deciding, so I thought to give both a whirl.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT : The first cap was entered by boneguy on Jan. 4 at 5:10 pm. Evidently he sat gazing at it for nearly two hours before he decided to add eight more words in a desperate bid to "make it better." This is what happens with complusive Anti-Cappers. There is always one more pun, one more crazy bastard, one more laugh at someone else's expense. I am sure he believes he could stop any time.)

"I should be landing at Baker Street. You'll see clowns to the left of me, and jokers to the right. Thanks for the call, Gerry." --Damon. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A tribute cap to a gifted musician and writer who passed away last week. "Stuck in the Middle With You" could be our national anthem, if you ask me.)

And one more thing. My client would like his caption credit for #269 in boldface with the immediate removal of any reference to one Tim H. Oh shit, they dropped me over Lake Michigan again. --boneguy

[I, Tim H, concur with Mr. boneguy's request for the "immediate removal of any reference to" myself in boldface -- mentioned honorably -- in Contest #269. My amicus curiae brief, in fact, has been filed at the end of Contest #269 and even precedes Mr. boneguy's request by an hour. Thank you.]--Tim

Thank you Tim H, kind sir. I will call off my mouthpiece. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Newspaper editors are fond of saying it's only a mistake if somebody notices. I apparently screwed up someone's signature. This reminds us that this contest is very, very important to people who I have never met. Noted.)

al was gettin' cranky so I bailed out. You guys comin with me? ... (silence) ... Guys? ... (more silence) ... Anybody??--J.D. or not J.D. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The existence of standards is often misinterpreted as evidence of crankiness. I also have a ton of time on my hands and grew up reading National Lampoon. That's why the Anti-Cap war was over before it began.)