WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
You got Flies on Glill?!-- Li Po Faith (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a week ruled by increasingly awful puns, this had the added advantage of being confusing and racially insensitive. Yes, it would be much better if the waiter
had slanty eyes and two huge buck teeth. Maybe one of those pointy round hats favored by rickshaw drivers and rice paddy workers. Still, it works on Several levels. More important, it took me a while to get it. )
SECOND PLACE
"The old lady at table nine would like a V8."--Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too cleaver to ignore, too dumb to pass muster with the "real contest." A V8 can be a very salty tomato beverage best mixed with vodka or an engine of some sort. So it's a nimble play-on-words. It also gives me a chance to chastise this Utellme character. I will tell U that you frequently post way 2 many caps sometimes in a matter of minutes. Then you delete a few. Try and space them out. Think them through. That's my advice. U capisce? Also, a blog link is dangled but there is no content. It's a good metaphor but even by Anti-Cap standards this is disappointing. )
HONORABLE MENTIONS "Sacre Bleu! This is a drive THROUGH not drive-IN restaurant. Idiots!" --Sam Antic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another cap with an international flavor.)
What are you fixing tonight?--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When my mom used to say she was going to "fix dinner," I'd often say "If you got it right the first time you wouldn't have to fix it." No matter how many times I said it she never laughed. Not once. This was decades before I ascended to the lofty perch of Anti-Cap judge. Even early on you could see I had a gift for annoyingly stupid puns and condescending sarcasm aimed at people who make my existence possible.)
She said the valvo is too fatty. She wants valvo lean. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, a cute little pun, but at who's expense, Johnny? This is just a vicious, cheap shot at Valvoline, a 140-year-old line of motor oils engineered to maximize performance and prolong engine life. Is there anything that Johnny respects? )
"Table six says their rack of lamb is making a weird sound."--Bev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When I hear "car" and "rack" I think "bike rack." But there is most likely a deeper meaning. My knowledge of a car's inner workings is limited. I have learned that auto mechanics put their kids through college based on people like me--people who come to them because something sounds weird. That's why I picked this.)
"Smog check? All your doing is cutting down on eat-missions" --F'ing Stupid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just when you think you have seen the stupidest car-related pun imaginable, this comes along. But here's the rub: F'ing came back and posted a correx cap that said "typo "you're." It's like someone wearing a tacky outfit that is impeccably pressed. Anti-Cap yin and yang )
Looks like your stew is boilingSo's your Studebaker! --Auld lang Fart (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here we have another crappy pun but Auld knew which "your" to use. Noted)
"Never mind. They went across the street to the automat." -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Studebaker? Automat? You get the sense that the demographics of Anti Cappers skew toward Civil War vets and Brooklyn Dodger fans. Me? I remember writing about the raging battle between Beta and VHS. So who am I to talk?)
"How's that a la car coming?"--Denny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes we can all see it's like a race to the bottom this week, but "a la car" kind of sounds "al in a cart." So...)
"Hey, the customer wants to know if there is an alternator to the starter course." -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another desperate reach but at least cta just said "the customer wants" instead of, say, "table six." )
"More smoked tourquey!"-- Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe this works if you think the waiter has a thick Brooklyn accent."
Well, I suppose if you ran into a deer on the way in we can technically call it grilled venison.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too many words Jim! See this week's winner for tips on how to be asinine with brevity and originality.)
"Hey guys, forget the ROLLS! These people are trying to DODGE the check. I guess they can't afFORD this place. It's enough to make a grown man SAAB. Well, they're starting to BUG me . . . YUGO talk to 'em."--Cal Worthington (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you ever want to WIN, I BEG you to never enter this type of shit again.)
You spoil that Dodge!--Ills Truck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay. Kind of cute given the way some people pamper their cars and all.)
You're taking this Iron Chef thing too literally.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Conceptually, this cap would have worked better if it somehow suggested that the chefs were challenged with the secret ingredient of a pick-up truck. Bobby Flay would fill it spicy apricot sauce and garnish with arugula and toasted almonds. Yes, that's how often I watch that show.)
"Knock it off guys. Bravo just called. They're ditching the Hell's Kitchen Meets American Hot Rod idea and going with Deadliest Catch Meets Project Runway instead" --Richard Hine (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So on this new show is catching crabs from a leggy model a good thing or bad thing? Just FYI: CMT has a show called "Trick My Truck" but, remarkably it has no relation to HBO's "Cathouse.")
Now, boys, we here at Helping Hands Voc-Tech only do one trade at a time. Auto shop is next period. Come, Billy, let's change your diaper. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not unlike the previous cap but I don't get the diaper part.)
"They are all doubled over in pain. Many are throwing up. One guy had explosive diarrhea. This is going to get us a 'C' rating, you know." --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Only if the health inspector finds greasemonkey feces in the kitchen.)
"My mother....could get a car thtarted uthing a thafety pin."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's unclear how this relates to the speech impediment but we so seldom get mother jokes so...)
Blown fuse, you silly bastards! How the hell are you missing something so simple?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, of course, is a bastardization of the classic cap: "Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?" I mention this because everyone always sticks a gratuitous "hell" in the last part. Also, fusilli is a kind of pasta and the cartoon is set in a kitchen. You'd think J.C. would have made the connection.)
"You're poking along like a couple of fidgets- do you mind?"
.
"The horsepowers here are en terrine."-- LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Two more mangled classics. The first one comes up short and the second one is lame.)
"In Russia, Lada cooks you." -- Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In case you are wondering, Lada is the name of a Russian car that was notoriously unreliable. That's why this is supposed to make sense.)
"They just changed the name of this place to Le Singe de Graisse * "
.
* The Grease Monkey --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Everything sounds better in French. Pepe le Pew could tell you that.)
"Hurry up with that tranny. Oh, and the transmission, too." --Kathy H
"The boss says no more extra virgin olive oil changes." --Tim H
"When you're done with that Escalade, start on the escargot." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Allow me to dispatch these there sad sack entries at once. Ever the eager beaver, Kathy's first cap was posted on Monday at 1:21 am [all times PST]. It's a pun that might work if the cartoon included a transvestite, which it does not. Tim [who also goes by the last name "H"] followed four minutes later with his own really, really bad play on words. Perhaps embarrassed by this, Kathy returned at 3:52 am with something so bad it make's Tim look good. I relate this to once again illustrate the dangers of capping too early and too often.)
“Hey, guys, get that piece of crap out of here now! I’ve got a rush order From a Buick 6!”--- left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Lefty is referencing a rollicking blues number from Dylan's Highway 61 Revisited. In it, he says his "soulful mama" is a "junkyard angel" who "walks like Bo Didddley." It is, of course, a love song. )
“There’s this guy out here singing, ‘I went into a restaurant/ Lookin’ for the cook/I told them I was the editor/Of a famous etiquette book’. So I told the guy, ‘Don’t expect Dylan here. All we’ve got is Mike & the Mechanics’.”---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From "Bob Dylan's 115 Dream" a Dylan song no one has ever covered.)
"The gentleman at table nine says this is the worst abortion clinic he's ever seen."-- Slack-a-gogo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Though illogical and tasteless and not especially funny, this is about as Anti-Cap as you can get. The unanswered question is how many clinics has the gentleman seen? Someone who wants to stoop to this level of humor might have added that this place is so bad their ads say "No fetus can beat us.")
[Nod to blw...] "We're all waiting for Chef Alinla's wieners."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You see? blw said "winners." Anon improved on it by using a food product with a slightly sexual connotation. That's how we roll around here.)
"Do you multi-taskers know anything at all funny about a doorknob?"-- Cookiepuss (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I did the research. There was nothing funny.)
"Mr. Radosh's car is almost ready? Good. I'll send his chauffeur, alinla, around to pick it up." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A few things: It's a truck not a car. At best, I am a driver, not a chauffeur. Most important he is an author and a staff writer for a popular TV show enjoyed nightly by millions of viewers. I have a blog that is mildly amusing to a handful of malcontents who feel the need to abuse me. Do you need further evidence that caps like this are completely unnecessary?)
123 comments:
"How much longer for the tune-up casserole?"
Kathy H said...
"Hurry up with that tranny. Oh, and the transmission, too."
Tim H said...
"The boss says no more extra virgin olive oil changes."
Kathy H said...
"When you're done with that Escalade, start on the escargot."
Anyone up for boogie boarding?
No one likes the piston soup.
She said the valvo is too fatty. She wants valvo lean.
"They're starting to eat the dead."
dwilk
"We need more tit and testicle chowder."
The guests are loving today's Skid Plate Special!
"Compliments from table 3 on the pork puff pastry degreaser."
"Cut out the beans. You know how it messes up the exhaust."
Looks like your stew is boiling
So's your Studebaker!
You got Flies on Glill?!
Get that truck out of the kitchen!
That Dodge got a Hami?
You spoil that Dodge!
The duck tastes oily tonight.
Jim Cavanaugh
Now, boys, we here at Helping Hands Voc-Tech only do one trade at a time. Auto shop is next period. Come, Billy, let's change your diaper.
"Table 4 passes on their compliments to the chef for the exquisite oil change."
You guys should be cooking the food, not repairing that truck. C'mon!
"When the supplier said that he had a bumper crop, I had no idea...."
"Good news, guys! The Times just gave the Chop-Chop Chop Shop four stars!"
"How's that a la car coming?"
Denny
"The food you're cooking for the guests is yummy. But meineke."
"This meal's gone way off the original estimate. Next time I'm gonna hire those Mexican chefs who only take cash."
"Gentlemen, the carpaccio is exquisite."
"Say, if you find the winners of Contest #264 in there, let me know."
---blw
“C’mon boys, you know what they say: Too many cooks spoil the (engine) block.”
---blw
"You're poking along like a couple of fidgets- do you mind?"
"The horsepowers here are en terrine."
"The customer has complimented you all on you grillwork."
That couple out there is getting a little impatient. I told them that this isn't a restaurant, but a garage. They ordered soup, salad, and an entree anyway! Hah... people! Aw shucks, what are you gonna do? I suppose it's just human nature to believe what you're gonna believe, regardless of the facts. It kind of reminds me of my cousin Bob, who's one of those "Obama's-a-Muslim" guys. Oh well, I guess that couple will be waiting for a while longer. Kind a shame, really. Not that it's my fault.
Hey, are you guys listening?
Hey, you dorks, take off the chef hats. You're mechanics, not cooks.
Are you kidding me, a roll bar with halogen lights? What is this, the fucken Dakar rally? Now get out from underneath that rig and poach me a salmon!
A customer wants to know... would you mind billing AAA directly?
You jerk-offs screwed up the order. The old lady wanted brisket, but I served her gasket.
"Smog check? All your doing is cutting down on eat-missions"
typo "you're"
"They just changed the name of this place to Le Singe de Graisse * "
* The Grease Monkey
"Do we provide Beano with a fill-up?"
"If there are any parts left over, they'll take them home in an auto bag."
"Garbage! They come for your garbage, not your garage."
dwilk
You're taking this Iron Chef thing too literally.
Rocko
"Oh, I get it. When I said toque, you thoguht I said torque."
"...thought..."
"Oh, I get it. When I said 'thoguht' I thought you said 'so good.'"
Rob
"....you...."
Rob
"Hey, the customer wants to know if there is an alternator to the starter course." -cta
"This looks like a recipe for disaster!" -cta
"Make sure it's all tuned up for the symphony tonight!" -cta
"WTF!? Is this Manny, Moe and Jack-in-the-Box?"
“Jesus-fucking-Christ!...I said there's a check under the hood. The oven hood!”
dwilk
"Parts is parts."
-- (Retro) Dex
"The gentleman at table nine says this is the worst abortion clinic he's ever seen."
"Table Four says the chicken is too greasy."
"Jeepers! There's a food critic from Auto Week at table six! I'll placate him with an Aston Martini while he peruses the price list."
"The old lady at table nine would like a V8."
"Too many cooks spoil the drop cloth!"
"The lady at Table 1 is complaining about a flywheel in her soup."
"One Fuel-Injection-Fricasee for old man Oldman at table eight. He's on a no-carb diet."
"I know I'm just the waiter, but could you turn her over? That side looks done to me."
"Chef Musashi, I've received more than a few complaints that tonight's wasabi is short on horsepower. However, many still praise your ability to match quality with economy. Domo arigato."
"Knock it off guys. Bravo just called. They're ditching the Hell's Kitchen Meets American Hot Rod idea and going with Deadliest Catch Meets Project Runway instead"
"And one apricot salad without the pit...crew."
"Do you multi-taskers know anything at all funny about a doorknob?"
"Do you multi-taskers know anything at all funny about a doorknob?"
"If you guys don't get off your asses and cook up something good I'll have to work overtime."
Denny
Let me know when you get the possum out of the radiator, so I can post the "pry and fry" special.
"This is a steakhouse! We can't possibly be out of the Land Rover."
--Jared S.
Hey, Chef Ford. Every time I bump into the Pinto beans, they catch fire.
"The only thing that can idle around here is the wait-staff. Bwahahahahahah"
“It’s the timing belt again, isn’t it? Looks like we’ll all go hungry ‘til Chef Alinla serves up some winners from last week’s special.”
---blw
“You can’t have it both ways, Chef Goodwrench. It’s time you made a career choice and stuck to it.”
---blw
"Now you're cooking with gas!" -cta
"Never mind. They went across the street to the automat." -cta
"There is a man pinned under this truck who requires immediate medical assistance. Someone please call for an ambulance. Please, before it's too late."
Heads' up. The valet's coming and looks pretty pissed.
Yoo hoo, boys! I'm here for my lube job...
[Nod to blw...]
"We're all waiting for Chef Alinla's wieners."
You can call it a night, boys. All the customers are dead.
"OK, break's over. We've got an actual customer."
What are you fixing tonight?
Rocko
"It's not exactly a cartoon we're in. How about we call it a jeeptoon?"
Miss Ann Thrope
"Table six says their rack of lamb is making a weird sound."
Bev
Tom, Ray, hurry up! You're going to miss your show!
"My mother....could get a car thtarted uthing a thafety pin."
dwilk
"Whatever the hell you guys have on the stove, after four days, it's done."
"Mr. Radosh's car is almost ready? Good. I'll send his chauffeur, alinla, around to pick it up."
"You guys really shouldn't be doing that on company time."
Well, if you're doing that, why not let Jesus make the meal. You know, Jesus the mechanic next door.
"More smoked tourquey!"
"Two more orders of the manifold ribs."
I need an estimate on the prime rib.
Jim Cavanaugh
Well, I suppose if you ran into a deer on the way in we can technically call it grilled venison.
Jim Cavanaugh
“Let’s put it into overdrive, fellas’, and roll sometime out to these customers. They’re starving for something to transport them to new heights!”
---blw
“I think we’re all right on the entrees, but there’s no way we’re going to get that radiator patched and flushed before dessert.”
---left coast wayne
“Hey, guys, get that piece of crap out of here now! I’ve got a rush order From a Buick 6!”
---left coast wayne
“There’s this guy out here singing, ‘I went into a restaurant/ Lookin’ for the cook/I told them I was the editor/Of a famous etiquette book’. So I told the guy, ‘Don’t expect Dylan here. All we’ve got is Mike & the Mechanics’.”
---left coast wayne
"You could have had a V8."
"In Russia, Lada cooks you."
I was wondering if after my shift, I could get a ride home?
"Make that three V8s."
Rich
"She'll have the Fish & Chips but wants to know how often you change the oil."
Rich
"Thanks for all the fixins tonight, boys. Can you fix this door next?"
"They are all doubled over in pain. Many are throwing up. One guy had explosive diarrhea. This is going to get us a 'C' rating, you know."
"Hey! Boyz n the Hood! Get those orders up."
"Will that be ready for desert?"
"Carburetor? I barely even know'er!"
We're light years away from a cure.
"Mrs. Lincoln wants a Continental breakfast."
"Hokey smoke, Bullwinkle--the Metal Munching Moon Mice just canceled."
"She wants to know how many carbs does it have."
I'm seriously reconsidering our decision to operate a trendy mobile food truck. Clearly it's distracting our attention from the restaurant.
"Table 6 specifically asked for no carbs."
"My head's at a 40 degree angle from vertical, which would be fine if I was leaning in from outside, but my legs are directly under me - Help!"
"Dammit, nobody tips for pickups!"
I'm letting you all go as soon as I look up your firing order.
Rocko
"I told you it was a lemon."
"Could at least one of you keep an eye on the broth?"
"Hey guys, forget the ROLLS! These people are trying to DODGE the check. I guess they can't afFORD this place. It's enough to make a grown man SAAB. Well, they're starting to BUG me . . . YUGO talk to 'em."
--Cal Worthington
Anonymouse said...
"I need three decaffeinated carfax."
"Hurry up will ya? We've got a lifeguard and a bunch of skaters who can't wait until Tuesday."
Brent
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