Monday, August 4, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Cap Contest # 438






WINNERS


FIRST PLACE
"The meowers here are extreme."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A heavy handed variation on the classic “The hours here are extreme.” Sure it's clumsy and desperate, but not entirely illogical. While no one actually calls cats “meowers,” “barker” is an actual word, most typically used as part of “carnival barker” [“barker channel” is also a common expression in the cable TV business.] I also recall frat guys [among others] describing unattractive women as “barkers.” So, by extenstion, a guy who is a real pussy could be described as a “meower,” I suppose. It's a crule world but who can deny the nimble thought process .)
SECOND PLACE
"Tell asswipe I'll be late for work. I'm having a cat scan."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The take away here is the is a sickly man who hates his boss. Still, “asswipe” is gross and nasty even by anti-cap standards.)
THIRD PLACE
"Same ole, same ole. Oh, and Whiskers ate those fucking birds."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the privious week's content. Two issues: The birds were not fucking and “ole” should only be used when preceeded by “ye.”)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Another peeping tom--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why would anyone be compelled to spy on this guy? Recently a friend casually observed “If it's on YouYube, there is someone beating off to it.” Now I can't get that sick thought out of my head while watching Abby Cadabby and Mrs. Sparklenose with my graddaugher.)
"Yes, I want it published in the Times."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This linked to something that made it relevant but I can't rememebr what. )
"Just tell Mr. Chase that it's Tony and that I finally found Big Pussy ..."--Janet (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very dumb. But Sunday used to mean “The Sopranos” in my house. I miss that.)


"When I said I hoped to see a huge pussy, I was thinking more of Evrolet Girl."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure, a throw-back reference, but still very troubling. Apparently this man does not have YouTube access.)

"The cat ate the real contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very stupid. Cats don't eat contests. There...I said what everyone was thinking. Happy now?)





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58 comments:

  1. AnonymouseAugust 4, 2014 at 6:37 AM

    "Yes, it's working fine, except that The Cat Channel is appearing in my window instead of on my TV."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tim HAugust 4, 2014 at 6:49 AM

    "I think it may be my disgusting, fish-smelling feet which is attracting these huge cats."

    ReplyDelete
  3. boneguyAugust 4, 2014 at 6:53 AM

    For some unknown reason, my allergies are acting up.

    ReplyDelete
  4. boneguyAugust 4, 2014 at 7:09 AM

    Stare all you want cat. My dog is getting me more beer.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dr SumguyAugust 4, 2014 at 7:17 AM

    OH NO ... Not another cat cartoon ...... deja mew.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dr SumguyAugust 4, 2014 at 7:25 AM

    "He only stares, when I'm on hold!"

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dr SumguyAugust 4, 2014 at 7:34 AM

    "The apartment? ... You might say ... I have a 'Cats Eye View'!"

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousAugust 4, 2014 at 7:34 AM

    Another peeping tom

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dr SumguyAugust 4, 2014 at 8:02 AM

    "Oh ... And he's marketing again! ... 'Garfield, a Tail of Two Pussies'!"

    ReplyDelete
  10. smuckAugust 4, 2014 at 8:30 AM

    "Well, Obama did promise mange."

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousAugust 4, 2014 at 9:06 AM

    "Ok, ready? LBJ...I think it would go something like this..."

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dr SumguyAugust 4, 2014 at 1:31 PM

    "Room Service! ... There's been a mixup! ... I ordered the 'Tom Yum Goong' ... Not the 'Thom Kat'!"

    ReplyDelete
  13. Kathy HAugust 4, 2014 at 2:01 PM

    "I Tawt I Taw a Puddy Tat!"

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymouseAugust 4, 2014 at 2:13 PM

    "Yeah, I named him Fido just to mess with his head."

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousAugust 4, 2014 at 3:02 PM

    "Tell asswipe I'll be late for work. I'm having a cat scan."

    ReplyDelete
  16. NJtoTXAugust 4, 2014 at 4:41 PM

    "Just waitin' to get grabbed by a claw and thrown up in the air until I'm dead. You?"

    ReplyDelete
  17. NJtoTXAugust 4, 2014 at 4:43 PM

    "The drinks are ready and the dogs are going to war."

    ReplyDelete
  18. SatireguyAugust 4, 2014 at 8:28 PM

    "Well at least this time it's not a pink elephant."

    ReplyDelete
  19. NJtoTXAugust 5, 2014 at 3:27 AM

    "That one on the internet was a lot funnier. I'll upload it, anyway."

    ReplyDelete
  20. Tim HAugust 5, 2014 at 1:43 PM

    "Yeah. Cat's outta the bag. Again."

    ReplyDelete
  21. AnonymouseAugust 5, 2014 at 1:44 PM

    "I can't decide. Should I listen to Cat Stevens or watch Cat Ballou."

    ReplyDelete
  22. Kathy HAugust 5, 2014 at 2:25 PM

    "Yes, I want it published in the Times."

    ReplyDelete
  23. AnonymousAugust 5, 2014 at 4:54 PM

    Remind me not jack off with Fancy Feast again"

    ReplyDelete
  24. JanetAugust 5, 2014 at 9:58 PM

    "Just tell Mr. Chase that it's Tony and that I finally found Big Pussy ..."

    ReplyDelete
  25. JohnnyBAugust 6, 2014 at 5:47 AM

    This whole "Grumpy Cat" meme is out of control

    ReplyDelete
  26. richardAugust 6, 2014 at 6:54 AM

    "Remember when you said we're gonna need a bigger cat?"

    http://contest.newyorker.com/CaptionContest.aspx?id=377

    ReplyDelete
  27. JohnnyBAugust 6, 2014 at 7:27 AM

    I don't know. I guess he wants some of my Nutty Salmon

    ReplyDelete
  28. Kathy HAugust 6, 2014 at 9:27 AM

    "No. You're just blowing this thing way out of proportion. Speaking of which...."

    ReplyDelete
  29. AnonymouseAugust 6, 2014 at 2:47 PM

    "Well, I call it a footstool, but sourpuss here calls it an ottoman. Go figure."

    ReplyDelete
  30. T.S. Eliot...August 6, 2014 at 2:54 PM

    "Yeah...at the window...Betty Buckley...again."

    ReplyDelete
  31. NJtoTXAugust 7, 2014 at 3:23 AM

    "I just let out a tremendous fart and then the room went dark."

    ReplyDelete
  32. NJtoTXAugust 7, 2014 at 4:45 AM

    "This stupid framily plan. I guess if I'm lucky, he kills "mister hamster" next door."

    ReplyDelete
  33. AnonymousAugust 7, 2014 at 5:34 PM

    "There's almost as much shit on TV as there is in my yard."

    ReplyDelete
  34. AnonymouseAugust 8, 2014 at 8:01 AM

    "Ever since he showed up in the window my posture has been heading south."

    ReplyDelete
  35. Dr SumguyAugust 8, 2014 at 10:25 AM

    "Manager? ... Any units available on a higher floor?"

    ReplyDelete
  36. Kathy HAugust 8, 2014 at 1:45 PM

    "Hello, Cat Control? Send over your best man."

    ReplyDelete
  37. boneguyAugust 8, 2014 at 5:38 PM

    It looks like my cat got into Mark McGwire's secret stash.

    ReplyDelete
  38. boneguyAugust 8, 2014 at 9:37 PM

    I think I may have a solution to your giant bird problem.

    ReplyDelete
  39. pg13August 9, 2014 at 2:04 PM

    "The meowers here are extreme."

    ReplyDelete
  40. AnonymousAugust 9, 2014 at 5:25 PM

    Hello, is this EVROLET GIRL? I think I found your cat!

    -- Schewlly

    ReplyDelete
  41. Dr SumguyAugust 9, 2014 at 9:37 PM

    "And it has this strange legend ... 'Objects In This Window May Appear Closer Than They Are'!"

    ReplyDelete
  42. Dr SumguyAugust 11, 2014 at 1:51 PM

    "Also the TV's on the blink! ... I think its a 'Katzenjammer'"!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Kathy HAugust 12, 2014 at 10:11 AM

    "Damn you, Gov. Cuomo!!!"

    ReplyDelete
  44. AnonymousAugust 13, 2014 at 3:51 PM

    "Go ahead, Al. She's been spayed."

    ReplyDelete
  45. AnonymousAugust 13, 2014 at 5:55 PM

    "The cat ate the real contest."

    ReplyDelete
  46. Kathy HAugust 14, 2014 at 6:28 AM

    "I think we're going tohug it out."

    ReplyDelete
  47. Steve_OAugust 15, 2014 at 5:42 AM

    "On second thought, hold the anchovies."

    ReplyDelete
  48. ShawnAugust 15, 2014 at 9:49 PM

    I gotta go, my ride is here.

    ReplyDelete
  49. NJtoTXAugust 16, 2014 at 5:18 AM

    "You follow the rabbit. I'll backtrack the girl. I'll meet you around the other side of the hill."
    "Good. I've got a personal grudge against that rabbit, Jim."

    ReplyDelete
  50. gfwriteAugust 16, 2014 at 12:13 PM

    ...Yeah, he's a Japanese rescue cat named Fuckushima.

    ReplyDelete
  51. NJtoTXAugust 18, 2014 at 4:32 AM

    "Hey, Schrödinger, your superposition to a large-scale system appears to have worked on a quantum level... He just got out of the box, how the hell should I know when it happened."

    ReplyDelete
  52. BoofAugust 21, 2014 at 5:24 AM

    "I want to speak to the fucking horticultural genius who sold me the catnip."

    ReplyDelete
  53. SatireguyAugust 28, 2014 at 11:20 AM

    "We're going to need a bigger dog."

    ReplyDelete
  54. AnonymousAugust 28, 2014 at 6:09 PM

    "Busy? Crazy busy! No time to judge that damn contest."

    ReplyDelete
  55. SatireguyAugust 29, 2014 at 11:42 AM

    "We're going to need a smaller cat."

    ReplyDelete
  56. Steve_OSeptember 2, 2014 at 10:20 AM

    "He’s eliminated the rat problem and started on the rugrat problem."

    ReplyDelete
  57. DexSeptember 2, 2014 at 6:28 PM

    "Meh. I wait now for Katz."

    ReplyDelete
  58. Don DonSeptember 5, 2014 at 9:47 PM

    "Hello TEPCO?"

    ReplyDelete