New Yorker Anti-Caption Contes #434

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Wake up you idiot, your dissertation on me is due in six hours."--reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Might have been better if it said “book report” and Dorothy somehow resembled a 16 year old boy dressed like Dorothy, or maybe the lion looked like a 16-year old boy and Dorothy looked like Farah Fawcett. Or maybe I'm just projecting. Excellent, albeit confusing, cap, is all I'm trying to say.)

SECOND PLACE

You're dog was delicious. Now go fuck yourselves! Arghhh--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cruel but not entirely tasteless. Humor tip: Serve your guests chicken a la king and after they take a few bites say “Now tell me: Doesn't that taste just like chicken?” [My wife never gets tired of that one.])

THIRD PLACE

"Unless you intend on burning down Atlanta, you can kiss that Best Picture Oscar good-bye."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure, GWTW edged Oz but Abba won a Grammy for best new act the same year Elvis Costello was nominated. Just sayin.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Well, well, what's signed, is signed; and what's to be, will be; and then again, perhaps it wont be, after all. Any how, it's all fixed and arranged a'ready; and some sailors or other must go with him, I suppose; as well these as any other men, God pity 'em! Morning to ye, shipmates, morning; the ineffable heavens bless ye; I'm sorry I stopped ye."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is probably from some place but I'm almost sure it's not from a Dylan song.)

"She’ll be standin’ on the bar soon

With a fish head an’ a harpoon

An’ a fake beard plastered on her brow

You’d better do somethin’ quick


She’s your lover now"

--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This IS from a Dylan song. Which, of course, I knew right away. )

"It is an evil voyage, I tell thee! Beware! There is a man along the way in large spectacles who will act under the pretense of saying farewell to the yellow brick road! Do not become his next candle in the wind!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first ever Elton John reference. True story: I once attended a “listening party” in an NYC recording studio for a new E.J. Album. As he sat down to play, there was a look of annoyance. With that snooty British accent of his, Sir Elton John said these words to me: “Please don't put your beer bottle on my piano.” [And no, he wasn't speaking in some kind of kinky code.] So I, an absolute nobody, was actually scolded by one of rock's greatest legends. I'll carry that with me forever.)

"When you see him, tell him not to post those RIP comics that are designed to push down the unjudged!"-NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The only one who can push you down is you, Tex. Oprah has spoken about this often.)

"Because because because because because!"--Why Won't Al Judge? (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because of the wonderful things I do, I suppose.)

"Hast thou seen the White Male? You know, alinla?"

--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If coming up for air means I'll be attacked by semen, I say “No thanks!” Reminds me of another story: During an interview, a retailer in Canada once told me he recently started using an “old sailor” to get better prices. When he saw I was perplexed he tried to explain. “You know an 'old sailor...an OLD sailor'…or I guess what you would call a distributor. [Although he pronounced it “dis-try-bute-tor.”] The light came on and I said “Oh! You mean a 'WHOLEsaler.' To which he responded “Yeah...that's what I said 'an old-sailor.” True story.)