New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #429

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE (Tie)

"Tell that genie I explicitly wished for a twelve inch penis."--Anonymous

"I want to thank the concierge for getting me the 12-inch pianist I asked for. I'm giving this hotel a '5' on TripAdvisor."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is a well established bit of linguistic irony that the male organ sounds like “pianist.” No surprise that Anti-Cappers jumped all over it. The first cap recalls an old joke where a guy with a ridiculously small-sized noggin explains that he asked a genie for “a little head.” LR's cap came after that so it might be a rip-off, but there is a topical twist that gives it that extra thrust—if you get my drift.)

SECOND PLACE

You have to come and see this, it's BIZARRE. It works like a phone, but it's huge, it's wired into the wall and it has NO apps, not even a camera.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Always the rebel, the legendary JohnnyB finds mirth in the antiquated oversized phone, thus choosing to ignore the little piano player guy. Is it funny? Who cares? If Joe DiMaggio shows up to throw out the first pitch, you don't ask if he reached home plate, you're just glad to see him. [When DiMaggio was alive, I mean.] Welcome back Johnny. Keep a fire burning in you eye. Pay attention to the open sky.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

He only plays when someone puts me on hold.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Anti-Cap's prima ballerina, boneguy, comes through with something short and funny and remarkably, it's NOT a penis/ pianist thing. Way to keep it classy, bone.)

"Genie ... About the 12 inch penis ... It's not that ... Now he want's a 'StayFree Minipad'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not sure if I'm following here. Let's just assume “minipad” is a reference to a tiny apartment suitable for a small pianist. Noted.)

"You brought a couple of midgets? He won't mind."--james (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The little guy tickling the ivories is not big enough to be a midget, so this raises more questions than it answers. Even so, it's worthy of recognition based on it's respect for an Anti-Cap classic. Recognition granted.)

"So al and Johnny B. reappeared on the same day. It's like the day we landed on the moon, the night W. left office and when I lost my virginity all rolled into one. I'll never get over it."
--
Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A clumsy reference to a previous comment. It replaces tragic occurrences with welcome events. The effort is appreciated Jim, but you should have mentioned the Rangers winning the Stanley Cup in '94, which they are on the brink of doing again. This gives me great joy, by the way.)

I asked for a twelve inch....oh what the fuck difference does it make? #alinabsentia--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't worry if the horse is blind, just load the wagon. That's my advice, anyway.)

"Hello, Al. I'm just calling to let you know you're still a week behind."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is a pun to be made with “week behind” and “weak behind” but I can't think of it. Full disclosure: I did not realize we where lagging until I saw this. So thanks. )

"It's al ive, it's al ive, it's al ive...it's al iiiive!!!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't get too excited. I may see my shadow and scamper back into my hole. But I choose to interpret this as encouragement, so there's that.)