WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
Once
again, Mary berates herself for brown-bagging it.--Satireguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: It seems,
sex-wise, Mary is unable to harvest what the earth brings forth. She
throws a bag over some creep's head and screws him silly. Now she
feels like shit. This is not unprecedented. Why she parades him
around in public is a mystery. If you have to, give him cab fare, but
send him on his way.)
SECOND
PLACE
Opposite
day in Saudi Arabia.--smuck
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which means he is one of
several husbands she is permitted to have and she, of course, is
driving home because he's not allowed to drive. And yes they both
drink whiskey and love baseball.)
THIRD
PLACE
"For
once I'd like to meet a guy who doesn't come with baggage or isn't a
total douche bag." --
LR (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: And if you did, you would chase him away with your constant
whining. And what makes you think a baggage-free, non-douche-bag
would be interested in you?)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"So
this is the future ... Bring your Own Bag ... (Ordinance
#28877)!"--Dr
Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
Would work better if it was a plastic bag, but then you'd have issues
with possible asphyxiation. Like many people, I bring my own bags and
leave them in the car.)
"Hello,
Kathy H. My name is Anonymouse."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Maybe Kathy will give him a link—if you know what I mean.)
"Why
don't you let me take a look at your bank account and I'll decide if
you're ugly."--cta
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: And if
he checks out he can make a deposit—right? [Remember: substansial
penalties for early withdrawal]. A statement on how everything is
negotiable. Noted.)
"So
'McAfee' ... Tell me about your quote ... 'If you have the winning
cards, why cheat'!"--Dr
Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
Because no one really wins until someone admits they lost.)
"You're
kinda cute, but I prefer plastic."
--Jim
Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Translation: She prefers a man who is shallow, superficial
and produces toxic fumes when burned.)
"Jeff
Bagwell,
you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Evoking a veteran ball player who was nicknamed “Bags,”
Kathy reaches way back, deep to left field and comes up with a
classic. “A” for effort.)
"Murray
Langston, you crazy bastard, how are you?"--Unknown
Comic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Would have been slightly better if the
signature didn't give it away.)
"NSA,
huh? What color are my panties?"--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: To this Hannibel Lecter takes a few sniffs and says: You
use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear a black lacy thong from
Victoria's Secret, but not today.)
The
only decent thing I did when I worked as a postal clerk was to haul
your picture down off the wall near the cage where I used to
work.--Angus
Podgorny (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Lyrics from the Dylan song, “Up To Me” which was bumped
from “Blood on the Tracks” and later released my Roger McGuinn.
Includes the lines “I've only got me one good shirt left, and it
smells of stale perfume.” Angus continues his quixotic quest to
out-Dylan me. Never gonna happen, buddy.)
"I
picked up my bag, I was lookin' for a place to hide."--Obligatory
Dylanu (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No sale.
This is from The Band's classic song “The Weight.” They toured
with Dylan, of course, but there is no evidence Bob ever sang this
song. Also, the line is “I WENT lookin' for a place to hide” and
there's no “u” in Dylan. Tisk, tisk.)
"Oh,
I know. Those winning entries last week were great, but I thought
this was the Anti-Caption Contest."--Girl
at Bar (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well
obviously it's not the “Anti-Crap” contest or we wouldn't get
this kind of stuff.)
This
isn't part of the caption, but has anyone else found it absolutely
impossible to enter one into the New Yorker's contest? EVERY time I
enter one it somehow gets lost in their system and never shows up in
the list of my submitted entries. Very frustrating.--John
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay. Calm
down. They don't want you. We do. You're always welcome here, John.)
Try
entering a funny one.--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Wow. Entered right after John's cry-baby cap.
Ignore this John, keep doing what you're doing.)
"I
don't know if can take one more week of this."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can and
you will.)
Three
contests unjudged. Three orphaned months ago. It's no wonder you
don't show your face, al.--boneguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I've said it before:
Don't judge me for not judging you.)
"So you're a Patriots fan?"
ReplyDelete"A 2 Bagger tab ... I'm impressed!"
ReplyDelete"So you're good in the sack?"
ReplyDelete"Hey, lady, my eyes are up here."
ReplyDelete"Hello, Kathy H. My name is Anonymouse."
ReplyDelete"No go ahead, I want to see how you drink with that on."
ReplyDelete"Why don't you let me take a look at your bank account and I'll decide if you're ugly."
ReplyDelete"I represent The Paper Bag Players ."
ReplyDelete"Make that The Paper Bag Players ."
ReplyDeleteHow about The Paper Bag Players?
ReplyDelete"I can make $100.00 with just one weird trick."
ReplyDelete"Plus, you'll get to hear a really cool crinkly sound when we're in a 69!"
ReplyDelete"It's part of my costume for the Paula Deen fan klub."
ReplyDeleteNo offense, but I'm into old bags.
ReplyDelete"If you place that bag between my legs, I bet you can smell the ocean!"
ReplyDeleteChuck Barris gave me my big break but alas, I remained unknown.
ReplyDelete"I love you Henry ... But I'm not ready for little baguettes !"
ReplyDeleteHomeless Jewish women foreplay ... 2 hours of bagging!
ReplyDelete"No, I ain't going home with you."
ReplyDelete"Are you mulatto or is that a natural tan?"
ReplyDelete"You like music from the Scottish highlands? Well how 'bout I play on your bagpipe tonight?"
ReplyDelete"Is that all you can talk about? The Paper Bag Players??"
ReplyDeleteI see Poppa's got a brand new bag.
ReplyDelete"For once I'd like to meet a guy who doesn't come with baggage or isn't a total douche bag."
ReplyDelete"I don't date 'Brown Baggers' ... The last one had severe diarrhea!"
ReplyDeleteI've always felt that creases give a face more character.
ReplyDelete"Sorry about the CIA budget cutbacks."
ReplyDeleteI dropped the dime on John Gotti. And you?
ReplyDelete"Paper or plastic?"
ReplyDelete"My favorite movie? The Legend of Bagger Vance , of course. "
ReplyDelete"How long have you been in the 'Witness Protection Program'?"
ReplyDeleteI thought before you agreed to go home with me, I'd show you my bag.
ReplyDelete"How long have you been in 'Witless Protection'?"
ReplyDelete"Oh, I know. Those winning entries last week were great, but I thought this was the Anti-Caption Contest."
ReplyDelete"No, I've never had a drink thrown in my face. Why?"
ReplyDelete"It's hard to meet someone new when all of my ex's just want to recycle me."
ReplyDelete"You're Whole Foods online, but Walmart in person."
ReplyDelete"You have beautiful eye holes."
ReplyDelete"That's OK. My last boyfriend was a three-bagger."
ReplyDeleteNo I hadn't heard Edward Snowdon had snuck back into the US. How on earth did he manage to do that?
ReplyDelete"I'll be Glad if you undo my Ziploc and touch my Hefty."
ReplyDelete"You're kinda cute, but I prefer plastic."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"I only have eyes for you."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"So 'McAfee' ... Tell me about your quote ... 'If you have the winning cards, why cheat'!"
ReplyDeleteGo ahead and take it off, Charlie Brown. Your head can't possibly look like a baseball anymore.
ReplyDelete"NSA, huh? What color are my panties?"
ReplyDeleteThe only decent thing I did when I worked as a postal clerk was to haul your picture down off the wall near the cage where I used to work.
ReplyDelete"You're not much of a drinker, are you?"
ReplyDeleteThis isn't part of the caption, but has anyone else found it absolutely impossible to enter one into the New Yorker's contest? EVERY time I enter one it somehow gets lost in their system and never shows up in the list of my submitted entries. Very frustrating.
ReplyDeleteTry entering a funny one.
ReplyDelete"Snowden,is that you?"
ReplyDelete"I hear Bolivia is nice this time of year."
ReplyDelete"I'm not a carrier."
ReplyDelete"...but I record under thr name Notorious B.A.G.."
ReplyDelete"I'm a pretty good cook- I'm sitting on my groceries. Come up to my kitchen, I'll show you my best recipe."
ReplyDelete"You're just like your ad said- tall, mysterious, and filled with self-loathing."
ReplyDelete"You better be rich."
ReplyDelete"I don't know if can take one more week of this."
ReplyDelete"Dad?"
ReplyDelete"Darth, about your new mask... Well, it's just tearable."
ReplyDelete"So this is the future ... Bring your Own Bag ... (Ordinance #28877)!"
ReplyDelete"Do you cower here often?"
ReplyDelete"So, Mom....did you have the sex change?"
ReplyDelete"Look, creep, I'm about to pour this drink on your head. I just hope you can't fight your way out of a wet paper bag."
ReplyDelete"Yes, I do create my own ensembles! Armani, Versace, Safeway..."
ReplyDelete"Why do you keep offering to light my cigarette?"
ReplyDelete"What can brown do for you?"
ReplyDelete"You look fresh. Every man I've seen before you has been a full dumpster."
ReplyDeleteAnd
"Have you ever considered getting ripped? Your body's good, but I can see your face better ripped."
Three contests unjudged. Three orphaned months ago. It's no wonder you don't show your face, al.
ReplyDeleteAren't you cold with your head inside an ice block? talk about brain freeze. I like putting ice cubes on my Clytemnestra. (wink)
ReplyDelete"So.. they call you the 'Elephant Man'? I hope that means what I think it means!"
ReplyDelete"I love a man in uniform."
ReplyDeleteJimM said...
ReplyDelete"My sheet is in the wash."
"Wait wait wait, did you say your ex accused you of shunning her?"
ReplyDelete"Gosh! I never met a Congressman before. You must be so proud of the work you do!"
ReplyDelete"Your commenting on captions is like dissecting a frog — few people are interested, and the frog dies of it."
ReplyDelete"Mr. Zimmerman?"
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
A-buh-dee, a-buh-dee – That’s All, Folks!
ReplyDelete"Christ, what an eyehole!"
ReplyDelete"I picked up my bag, I was lookin' for a place to hide."
ReplyDeleteOnce again, Mary berates herself for brown-bagging it.
ReplyDeleteI used to date a plastic bag, but he was so smothering.
ReplyDeleteI don't usually pick up dates at the grocery store.
ReplyDeleteI don't know. Perhaps it was you 'out of the fold' quality.
ReplyDelete"your"
ReplyDeleteThis is cool!
ReplyDelete