WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"What's
the problem officer?"--
Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Authority figures don't like it when you ask them questions,
or to quote Dylan [which, remarkably, no one in the contest did]:
“The cops don't need you, and man they expect the same.” With the
wide-eyed innocence of a child, Jim once again nailed it by spitting
out the obvious. Jim is in the running to become our new “it”
boy.)
SECOND
PLACE
"The
remainder of your life will be spent behind bars.”--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Combines what they say
in math class with something related to punishment. Seems fitting. )
THIRD
PLACE
"Everyone
asks Y."--pg13 (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Actually, it's the cops who ask “Do you know why I pulled
you over?” Ironically the actual answers: “you're bored,”
“you're a bully who enjoys asserting his power” or “you have a
ticket quota to fill,” are never cheerfully accepted.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"Pull
over! ... You'll have to cosine the ticket!"--Dr Sumguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Trouble with
this is the driver is already pulled over. Making you sign the ticket
is like rubbing your nose in it. )
See?
No ratio profiling.--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: The cops NYC insist that when innocent black and Hispanic
men are pushed against a wall and frisked for no reason it saves lives. You
got a problem with that, punk?)
"Believe
me, I know what it's like to be charged with reckless
deriving."--Shelly
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: We start to realize anti-Cappers are math nerds with a
penchant for dumb and obvious puns. Previously we only knew the
second part?)
"And
derive safely!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I
once heard a cop tell law students that if he follows a car
for 10 minutes, “Guaranteed, I'll find something I can pull you over for.” He was very smug about that. What can we derive from
that?)
Around
these parts we have zero tolerance for drunken deriving. (thanks
Sumguy)--boneguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Taking someone else's pun and reusing it, then thanking that
person is still intellectually dishonest, even if you use the honor
system. Thanks indeed!)
"Be
careful in area 51 we figure the speed limit as a percentage of the
constant of light."--Don Don (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: A cap written by someone who is very, very smart but it
should have a comma after “careful,” “area,” should be
uppercase and “calculate” would have worked better than “figure.”
Try again next time, D.D.)
"Don't
get smart with me!"--Jess (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Cops also like to say “Don't get cute.” It's just the
way they roll.)
"I
don't care if your fucking name is Heisenberg, there's nothing
uncertain about this principle."--Satireguy
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Makes absolutely no sense to me, but I'm reasonably sure
it's legit.)
“Fibonacci,
you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Dex
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm confused, but
relieved to see this beloved classic pressed into service.)
"...so
based on what happened down at the factory, she'd be about 30-40 feet
tall. And you're driving a Chevrolet, so she's gonna want a piece of
it."--LR (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: This recalls evrolet girl. Why the cop is not on her tail, I
don't know.)
"Take
a right at the light, keep goin' straight until night, and then, boy,
you're on your own."--Kathy H
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A rare Springsteen-based cap. Gives me yet another
chance to say “I'll wait for you. And should I fall behind, wait
for me.” )
"Don't
pull attitude with me, buddy. It's a simple question, and I'll ask
you one more time. Does compactification on a Calabi–Yau 3-fold
leave one quarter of the original supersymmetry unbroken if the
holonomy is the full SU(3)?"--smuck
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Wasn't it
the dim-witted Pres. W. who coined the phrase “fuzzy math” when
something was beyond his grasp?)
"All
of our best people are working on this problem. And we're thisclose
to figuring out who won Anti-Caption Contest Nos. 357, 358 and
359."--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Go
back and check. I think you'll be in for a pleasant surprise!)
"boneguy?
... Straight one mile ... His address? ... 1246 Pig Turd Alley ...
He's expecting you ... Al!"--Dr
Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apparently
Sumbuy's got issues. I checked the road atlas, and there is no such
address. Also, it is firmly established that the only important
address in this contest is http://alinla.blogspot.com/
Visit often but don't linger too long.)
Stupid sequel idea: Good Will Speeding
ReplyDeleteThis is the Amber Alert that flashes when a physicist gets kidnapped.
ReplyDelete"And that's the way to Euclid Ohio!"
ReplyDelete"And derive safely!"
ReplyDelete"You got a problem with that !!"
ReplyDeleteIt's the only way we could get Einstein to slow down.
ReplyDelete"Pull over! ... You'll have to cosine the ticket!"
ReplyDeleteI came all this way to help some cop who said his differential was broken.
ReplyDelete"Don't get smart with me!"
ReplyDelete"Speeding is not the solution."
ReplyDelete"Believe me, I know what it's like to be charged with reckless deriving."
"I smell EtOH ... You look pi' "i" ed ... Please exit the vehicle ... And we'll look for a multiple step solution!"
ReplyDelete"It's called Math Transit. Look it up."
ReplyDelete"No, no, no! Pie are round! Cornbread are squared! Sheesh!"
ReplyDelete"You better vamoose, 'cause around these parts I'm known for being fast on the trigonometry!"
ReplyDeleteAround these parts we have zero tolerance for drunken deriving. (thanks Sumguy)
ReplyDelete"The remainder of your life will be spent behind bars.
ReplyDeleteI am with the Los Alamos PD, and yes, we do things differently here.
ReplyDelete"Speeding is to Pigneeds what 87332564 is to $75463328."
ReplyDelete"Wait a second! Did you just say, 'Piganometry?!'"
ReplyDelete"Go straight on Absolute Value, take a left on Pascal's Triangle, then straight to Fibonacci Fuck Up!"
ReplyDelete"For 'String Theory' go staight on Gaussian Elimination for one mile, 'Tampon' will be on your left!"
ReplyDelete"You were timed going 75 Kaczynskis per hour."
ReplyDelete"Your fine is doubled. You're in a school zone."
ReplyDelete"Everyone asks Y."
ReplyDelete"Do you know Y I pulled you over?"
ReplyDeleteWell, Obama promised <#απγ∑
ReplyDelete"Wait till you see the sobriety test."
ReplyDelete"One life vs. six chambers. You do the math."
ReplyDelete"You were doing calculus in an algebra zone."
ReplyDelete"Plus, you aren't wearing your seatbelt."
ReplyDelete"Looks like you were hiding something under the Fermat's. I mean, floor mats."
ReplyDelete"Don't pull attitude with me, buddy. It's a simple question, and I'll ask you one more time. Does compactification on a Calabi–Yau 3-fold leave one quarter of the original supersymmetry unbroken if the holonomy is the full SU(3)?"
ReplyDelete"Look, I'm a cop. You think I understand this here crazy long-division stuff?"
ReplyDelete"So, your 'Anorexic with a Yeast Infection' ... Stay to the right for the 'Quarter Pounder with Cheese'!"
ReplyDelete"The man who wrote this is named JohnnyB. He's armed with chalk and -- I cannot stress this enough -- he shows all work! Be careful out there."
ReplyDeleteYou mean this isn't hieroglyphics? Call HQ and tell them to stop looking for The Mummy.
ReplyDelete"Slow down! You're going to fast for me."
ReplyDelete"...so based on what happened down at the factory, she'd be about 30-40 feet tall. And you're driving a Chevrolet, so she's gonna want a piece of it."
ReplyDelete"That's right. In these parts, M.P. stands for Math Police. And our motto is...well, I don't remember right now. But I'm pretty sure it's math-related."
ReplyDelete"Take a right at the light, keep goin' straight until night, and then, boy, you're on your own."
ReplyDelete"If you want to pay in cash – right now – I can make this all go away."
ReplyDelete"Can you explain it again? I was following you, until you got here. Then you went too fast for me."
ReplyDelete"You deny that you were speeding and claim this is your proof?!"
ReplyDelete"Welcome to the USA. Please show all your work in the border."
ReplyDelete"You couldn't figure out what it meant? Well, right there, buddy, that's the root of the problem."
ReplyDelete"Around here, we teach to the test. You got a problem with that?"
ReplyDelete"Stochastic is as stochastic does."
ReplyDelete"The support group for Venn diagram enthusiasts is meeting over there."
ReplyDelete"Didn't they teach you this in Driver's Ed?!"
ReplyDelete"boneguy? ... Straight one mile ... His address? ... 1246 Pig Turd Alley ... He's expecting you ... Al!"
ReplyDelete"All of our best people are working on this problem. And we're thisclose to figuring out who won Anti-Caption Contest Nos. 357, 358 and 359."
ReplyDeleteJohhnyB? He solved the thing in 30 seconds and kissed this fakakta contest goodbye!
ReplyDelete"And that's why I'm giving you a ticket, moron!"
ReplyDelete"What's the problem officer?"
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"I got enough problems without worrying about you. I've spent 30 years looking for Jimmy Hoffa and now Johnny B. disappears."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"...just cosine the ticket."
ReplyDeleteWhen the ratio of cops to glazed donuts falls below 0.7, we ditch our uniforms and run for the hills.
ReplyDeleteWell, sometimes it does take a rocket scientist, smartass!"
ReplyDeleteIf you think this is bad, just wait for the Aftermath!
ReplyDeletespare me the graphic details
ReplyDeleteoh wait theres math?
But officer i wasnt doing doughnuts
ReplyDeleteI was making Smiddy Circles!
"This is how public employee unions are planning to ruin the country."
ReplyDelete"Part of our 'No Motorist Left Behind' program."
ReplyDelete"...or, since you're white, you can answer our optional question: 'What is 2 + 2?' "
ReplyDelete"Take your Boolean logic and get the hell out of here!"
ReplyDelete"Be careful in area 51 we figure the speed limit as a percentage of the constant of light."
ReplyDeleteThis is cool!
ReplyDelete