New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #383

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

I hear it takes a lifetime to get a reservation.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You heard wrong. It can just as likely be a momentary lapse in judgment – an extra sip of whiskey or ill advised taste of the forbidden. This seems profound but it's just preachy. In fairness it sounds deep. Enough to win here if your name is boneguy, a powerhouse Anti-Capper. )

SECOND PLACE

"Never mind the flames. I hear Kenny G down there."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Calls attention to the true nature of hell: It's bland and unimaginative, inoffensive and completely predictable. It's a smug rich white man with stringy soft-perm hair, much longer than a bland man should have. It basks in accolades and enjoys opulence for achieving mediocrity. )

THIRD PLACE

"Come back to the five and dime, Johnny B, Johnny B."--G-Ma Nan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The tribe has spoken Johnny. Here's hoping you and that dorky baseball hat re-appear soon. It was said Don Corlelone would never ask a second favor if the first favor was refused. Understood?)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"This is the manhole entrance, the pussy hole is over there!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another one that's deeper than it seems. For many, the pursuit of passion has greased the skits to destruction. This happens to women too. But while there may be sage wisdom here, it is crude and sexist. So here's a joke to even it out: A boozed up guy walks up to an attractive young woman and says, “I want to get into your pants.” She recoils and snaps, “One asshole in my pants is enough, thank you.”)

How quickly you've forgotten your end of the bargain for electing Mayor Bloomberg to a third term.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Genial though he seems, Bloomie has turned NYC in to a place where the smallest offense can land you in handcuffs. Citizens are routinely stopped by the police and must prove their innocence before being allowed to proceed. Owning a car is like trying to have five kids in China. He has, however, successfully cowed the public into compliance. This arrangement was pioneered by Catholic school nuns. )

"There's a special hell for white people."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, it's called ______, and there's not much that's special about it.  Okay, I was going with “Texas,” but switched to “Florida,” then I realized “Staten Island” would also be a perfect for this, but instantly thought “New Jersey” is a slam dunk. So I figured, fuck it, let them insert their own.)

"I'll give you my pitchfork when you pry it from my cold dead hands."pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Calls attention to the mind set that puts the “nut” in “gun nut,” but dead folks can't really give you anything. Would have worked better if it said “You can have my pitch folk...”  Reminds us that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a pitchfork, is a good guy with a pitchfork – either that or a rock buried just beneath the surface.)

I didn't expect to see this until after the Mets won the World Series.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may be a commentary on people who leave a ball game early, no matter what the circumstances. If memory serves, they drag their sad-eyed child away while dad says “We have to beat traffic!” and mom chimes in with, “And this is a school night, mister.” )

"Don't push folks. There's plenty of Citi Bikes® downstairs for everybody!"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again Tim over-reaches. Offering convenient and economical bike transportation in a congested city is not the equivalent of eternal damnation. But trying to turn NYC into Beijing? For that Bloomie should burn in hell.)

"They're the ones Bloomberg condemned to hell for selling sodas larger than 16 ounces."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And you don't want to know what happened to the poor bastards caught smoking cigarettes. )

"I always wondered how they made deviled ham."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you knew what was in it, believe me you wouldn't eat it. Let's just say the devil is in the entrails.)

"I thought I'd read that Underwood was adding deviled elderly to their line of delicious spreads."--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See how boneguy takes the same lame, obvious material and adds that special boneguy twist? He knows just how to make it slightly less stupid.)

"Christ, what a manhole."
Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works on a few levels and pays homage to the dying art of Classic Anti-Caping. Here's mine “In Soviet Russia, hell goes to you.” )

Their choice was either this or move to Staten Island.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Mitigating factors to consider: Staten Islanders are highly territorial, easily provoked and very suspecting of new comers. Also traffic is a bitch, parking is a nightmare and you'll never get on a decent softball team this late in the season.)

"Don't look so surprised. As a life long Mets fan you must have known we had to made a deal to beat the Yankees four straight."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is a measure of truth to this because after kicking the Yankee's ass, the Mets went on to lose two straight to the lowly Marlins. But did you see how the Mets humbled the Yankees? They won two at new-Shea and two at Yankee Stadium. There was also baseball history. Saint Mariano, for the first time in his storied career, was unable to get even one out pitching in the bottom of the 9th with a lead...You did see it, didn't you?)

"It's the new Disneyland ride ... 'The Tunnelling Inferno'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No sale, Sum. The line would be much longer if this was Disneyland and the devils would be wearing little name badges and smiling politely.)

"We-well ge-geee, Maaa-ryyy, Pottersville has turned into a porthole to a fiery underworld. An-an-and, the-there's Mr. Gower."--Not So Wonderful (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A little bumpy, but a nice classic film reference. I still say Potterville, with its honky tonks and fast women, was way more interesting than sleepy little Bedford Falls. Also, did you know that the cop and cab driver, Bert and Ernie, where the inspiration for the Sesame Street characters who may or may not be gay?)

"Lightin' up, honey, it's a tribute to Ray Manzarek........get it?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: R.I.P Ray.  Now that he's in his eternal resting place, he can finally stop milking the tit that sustained him for decades after the band's last performance.)

"They're visiting Bil Keane."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why not Lee Atwater or Jerry Falwell? I really hope you don't get sent to hell for being predictable and uncreative.)

"Don't worry, hon - that's just Glenn Beck and Alex Jones leading people into the safety of their Obama-proof bunker."--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit heavy handed. Even stupid people are reluctant to descend into a fiery hell just to prove a point. This of course, is intended as a metaphor, but still.)

Johnny al said you're a shrew
just to see what you would do.
You stood there and hung your head
made al wish that he was dead..so
JohnnyB angry, JohnnyB mad,
give al the biggest caption he's ever had.
We want a brave man...we want a caveman...Johnny shows us that you can really care for we.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sounds like a riff on a sound or something – I was thinking of putting a photo of Johnny on a milk carton, if they still do that.)

"That's the waiting room for the anti-cap results."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if. Anti Cappers wait anxiously in their comfortable dwellings hoping for validation and a witty remark. That's why it never gets old.)