New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #377

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Animal Control claims they usually go back to the sewer after they finish the crossword."--Anonymous Coward (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Simplistic but insightful. And if by “finish,” you mean give up, I can relate. Maybe he also looks at his horoscope, reads Doonesbury and checks to see how far out of first place the Mets are—THEN goes back to the sewer [or bed.] At least that's how I read the paper. )

SECOND PLACE

"Now why would you just assume it's a male?"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once, during live coverage of a police chase in L.A., the news guy offering breathless commentary kept referring to the “suspect” as a “he” and then off handedly said “or it could be a woman, for all we know.” This cap reminds us that rat is not gender specific and a woman can be anything she wants to be—good or bad.)

THIRD PLACE

"...and what's worse is the Bureau of Labor Statistics just announced that 93% of rats have just given up looking for work."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe the remaining 7 percent are just too stupid to come in out of the rain. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS

No, I don't think it's him. The rat asshole motherfucker who bombed the Boston Marathon must be much larger."

--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let's not forget even a small rat can do substantial damage. This was the painful lesson from the disastrous rein of  George W. Bush.)

Winters to Mets for two batboys and a broken bat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxhS6wp0MeE&feature=share--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh, so you expect us to cut-and-paste the web address into our command line? To save everyone the trouble I did. It's a ridiculous tribute to Jonathan Winters who is seen in this YouTude video wearing a Mets cap. Noted.)

"You'd sell a rat's asshole to a blind man as a wedding ring."
--
RB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is so asinine and gross that I Googled it. Turns out this the actual  name of  a 1996 compilation album that includes no artists I've ever heard of. [And certainly no Dylan!] Is the rat dead or alive? That would make a difference.)

"We have a phone with a cord and your rat is reading an actual newspaper. What fucking year is this?"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I agree this would be more contemporary if the rat had an iPad and the woman was texting while standing next to another women to whom she was gay-married. Progress comes slow to the cartoon world.)

"I didn't realize we were still getting the paper."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very smug but let me ask all you anti-newspaper types this: If you are trying to housebreak a puppy, would you want it to take a dump on your lap top? Something to think about.)

"It's your wife. Should I ask her which rat?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay, so the guy just had sex with a woman who didn't know he was married until his wife called and asked to speak to a rat. Remarkably, she is unconcerned about the huge rat reading the paper in the living room. This is a difficult premise to swallow, is all I'm saying.)

He's in my chair--T. Lessclassic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to a previous contest won by a little girl who never entered another contest. Tells you all you need to know.)

"What do you mean that this gives you a great idea for a cartoon, Mr. Disney?"

"What do you mean that this gives you a great idea for a play, Mr. Steinbeck?"

"What do you mean that this gives you a great idea for a role model, Mr. Trump?"--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Casting a wide net, Steve_O entered these three lame caps in rapid succession. If only someone had asked him: What do you mean that this gives you a great idea for a caption? Remember it's quality, quantity.)

"All I got out of him is that his last name is Rizzo."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here again we see a instance where a link would have been appropriate but sadly Kathy let us down. )

"I knew we should have listened to Keith and Mick when they said 'You got rats on the West Side'."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here again we see a instance where a link is completely unnecessary! Who among us can read the line and not hear “beg bugs uptown.” The Stones have become their own cover band. Kathy let us down. )

"It's Art Spiegelman. He's suing us for copyright infringement."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to an artist who did for rats what Karl Rove did for W. And if you are wondering why I am still obsessing about the worst president in the history of civilization, the opening of his "library" in [where else?] Texas, has encouraged revisionist history  suggesting that he wasn't all that bad...yada yada. I cringed when I read that he lives the pampered life of an idle millionaire. This ineloquent bumbling idiot also gets six-figures for a "speech." To me, he'll always be the scum bag who cost many thousands of people their lives and countless more their jobs. Just an arrogant, incompetent, dishonest phony. Nuff said.)

Note to al: Used as adjective AND noun is called ambiguous.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to a comment I made. I always appreciate caps that suggest someone is paying attention even if it is a poorly written erroneous cap that reveals the Anti-Capper to be a turd-brain. [Sorry, but this W. thing has really put me in a foul mood.])