New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #376

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"You just lay there while I do all the work."--Don Don (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...now they give us the Capitol building in bed with a woman -- and the building is taking up like 80 percent of the bed. The symbolism is ham-handed enough to draw more entries that we've had here in months. Lots of terrible puns and obvious sex metaphors. You just knew there would be a bevy of caps suggesting politicians screw their constituents. D.D. took the sexual symbolism a step further.)

SECOND PLACE

"I'll put out when you do."
--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When you think about it, kind of a crude variation on “the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

THIRD PLACE

"How many fucking positions do you have?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually only one: Lie there and do as little as possible. Also hard to tell if "fucking," as used here, is an adjective or a noun.)

HONORABE MENTIONS

"Funicello, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

R.I.P.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit awkward but not without merit. Combining a tribute with a classic cap has yielded a cap that inquires about the health of someone who recently died.)

"Tonight, YOU'RE going to be the hard-working middle class American and I'M going to be the career politician. Now go get my strap-on, bitch."--NAMBI (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This assumes the Capitol Building has a rear entrance, which it probably does. Remember Larry Craig, the senator caught trolling for sex in an airport men's room? Washington big shots don't do role playing any more.)

"This time you should wear the handcuffs."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is the type of suggestion that can strain a relationship. Not to be wonkish, but this could be a reference to a balanced budget amendment. )

Come, senators, congressmen . . .--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our requisite Dylan nod. Thanks! If politics has taught us anything in recent years it's that the loser now will be later on to win – just like Bob said.)

I'm sure glad Pelosi is gone.
Now, every time I call the Speaker, I get a Boehner.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Congratulations you found a way to pop a boner pun in here. A long way to go to squeeze out a joke Beavis would tell Butthead.)

"You don't exactly fill 'er, buster, if you know what I mean."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another pun pounded in with the grace of jack-hammer. This is included only to shame whoever entered it. )

"And that's how you build a 1/150 scale model of the U.S. Capitol. Shit, I'm talking to myself again."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well...at least someone is trying explain away this idiotic cartoon. She's a lonely women, so she build something with a pointy top. A bit depressing, yet slightly imaginative.)

"We always seem to end up oriented sideways in bed. It's probably because you constantly push me to the right while fucking me."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A big picture comment about the way Washington rolls, but the first part is confusing. What if it just said: “You constantly push me to the right while fucking me." Still not any good but it makes the same point and is not as long.)

"Well, at least Obama had two balls."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Without even clicking the link, I know this brings us to a photo of the president's scrotum. I mean, if it's simply confirming that there were two gala events to celebration his re-election you haven't brought much to the party – Have you Ms. H.? )

"Honey, take that stupid off your head."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This appears to be missing the word “thing,” or maybe it suggests stupid is something you wear.  If only it was that easy. Either way it's another shot at the fat cats in Washington, And you know they're reading this. )

"Forget screwing the country- you're screwing the Evrolet girl now."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay then. We finally get a peek inside Evrolet girl's bedroom, which naturally includes a huge bed etc. We also learn that she has a great sense of irony and an unusual sexual fetish. Got it.)

Evrolet lobbyist in bed with Congress--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Remarkably, this is the only cap that actually said someone was “in bed with congress” which seemed painfully obvious. )

Goodnight Moon and goodnight Stars
Goodnight NASA mission to Mars



Goodnight taxes, goodnight sharing

Goodnight compassion, Goodnight caring



Goodnight freedom, goodnight hope

Goodnight equality and legal dope



Goodnight democratic nation

Goodnight welcomed immigration



Hello Tea Party, hi, Fox News

Hello Christianity, get lost Jews



Hello Church, howdy Steeple

Move on Muslims and dark people


Goodnight poor folks, shove off, needy

Hello Right Wing, Hi there, Greedy--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT:

I share your concern, but your assessment's absurd

Like many of your captions, it smells like a turd

And not to diminish your skills, or your creativity inhibit

But your entry is 66 words – well over the contest limit)

"Not tonight, honey. Johnny B.'s poem kind of killed the mood."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Any idiot can tear people down and hurl insults, but doing it every week in a timely manner – that's the real challenge.)