New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #374

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

As per his request, his disembodied lower half has been dispersed among your plates this evening. Bone appetit.--J Promo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Many Anti-Cappers once again decided if you can't be funny, be gross. This is one of several caps to serve up a cannibalism theme and probably the first cap in the history of the contest to use the word “disembodied” --although it was really not necessary here. Also one of the few caps to explain what the folks assembled are eating and why they look so bummed out about it. This is a hideous cap and “Bone” appetit is stupid, but it wins because Mrs. al in la laughed. That's how much I love her.)

SECOND PLACE

"Who ordered the hit?"--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of the shortest caps entered, this references a question often asked in mob films and on the The Sopranos. It's usually followed by “I know I didn't order it.” Took me a second to get why this is funny so it actually made me think, which is rare.)

THIRD PLACE

He could see it coming through the door as he lifted up his fork.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As all the cool kids know, this is from the Bob Dylan song “Joey,” a meandering ode to “Crazy” Joe Gallo that appears on the 1976 Album “Desire.” Gallo was a mobster from Brooklyn who was gunned down in “a clam bar in New York.” The fact that Dylan rhymes “clam bar in New York” with “lifted up his fork” is all you need to know about the genius that is this man. [Dylan I mean, not the mafia guy]. The song also includes one of my favorite Dylan lines:

“What time is it?” said the judge to Joey when they met

"Five to ten," said Joey. The judge said, "That's exactly what you get")

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Amen. And now let's raise a toast, a two hundred and some odd pounds piece of toast, and get him the fuck outta here."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is clumsy and awkward. You don't “raise a toast.” Why dead people are sometimes referred to as “toast,” I will never know. Still, there were so many ugly puns this week, this may have been the least offensive.)

"Will tables 4 and 5 now please come up and make their selections?"--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I can just hear them rush to the coffin saying “I'll have leg!”...“Gimme a thigh” ...“Let me have a rib!” More ghoulish commentary and yet another cap that will never see the light of day in the real contest.)

"In honor of his invention of the turducken, the chef was embalmed with a small elderly woman and a stillborn infant tucked inside of him."--Totally Tasteless, but Tasty! (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why stop there? Maybe a rabbit, a hamster and some grubs will add to the flavor—you sick bastard.)

"The cause: Death by chocolate."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You wish. That's a girl thing, Kathy. And why not a link to scantily clad babes licking chocolate off each other? Wouldn't kill you, ya know.)

"Why our beloved Police Chief Tom Harris wanted to be buried in a chef's uniform, we'll never know. But, hey..."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could have been much funnier if it implied the dead man's outfit was due to a type-o on a letter send to the mortician.)

"The bugler will now play Tapas."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What's funny about this is that Tim thought the bold face would make it better.)

Enjoy your filet of soul.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works better if you assume they are all in hell and the devil purchased the chef's soul in exchange for a four star review...or something.)

"A terrible accident, indeed. But that is the way with French cuisine; there is very little margarine of error."--cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Keep in mind that cta also submitted “I guess he had just run out of thyme..." And so it goes.)

"We come here not to braise Chef Caesar but to curry him. And to serve his most famous dish- Chef's salad."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works if you assume LR is 10 years old.)

"He asked that you gaze down at the empty bowls in front of you as I read the words that immortalized his acting career: 'No soup for you!'"--NAMBI (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ironically, the NY Post had a story last week that said “Soup Nazi actor Larry Thomas is all steamed up.” Seems a gun manufacturer named Serbu Firearms used his image on an anti-gun control T-shirt along with the phrase “No Serbu for You!” I guess the point is pun abuse is rampant and the Soup Nazi is a live and well.)

This is the best we could do. 
Tilda Swinton was busy.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let me damn this with faint praise: A very Kathy H.-type entry. )

"He's deader than the Met's hopes now that Santana is out."

Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I lived through the Seaver trade. I will not be cowed. Johan has played his last game for the Mets. Lets move on. )

"His suicide note read: Since there will never be results posted for Anti-Cap Contests Nos. 357, 358 and 359, I don't want to live".--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I do take a measure of perverse satisfaction from his decision. If he had read your entries, Kathy we can bet he died NOT laughing.)

"He said, 'First it's Dr Sumguy who can't spell braille. Then it's Judge alinla who can't spell braille. I guess it was just a case of the blind leading the blind.' And then he croaked."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again we see the passive aggressive side of our beloved Anti-Capper Kathy H. Did you ever consider that I used Dr. Sumguy's spelling for comic effect? No? Okay. I understand.)