New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #373

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WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

Welcome to the "20 Years of Telecommuting" celebration.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As someone who “works” at home, this struck a cord. I'm glad there's no video option for phone calls when I'm talking to editors and other job providers, is all I'm saying. One quick tip: Remember if you're multi-tasking, don't flush until you're sure the call has ended.)

SECOND PLACE

"I got my new heart; we have new clothes, now if we could only figure out a way to get votes"--Don Don (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This sheds light on the dilemma that defines the GOP these days. Cheney, of course, had a new ticker installed but the recent Showtime documentary reveals he is still a ruthless cold-hearted scumbag deep in denial. Likewise, the party faithful delude themselves into thinking their smelly old pig just needs a new shade of lipstick [L'Oréal's Pink Satin, perhaps]. Don Don is like an aging ball player who can still drive one into the gap in a clutch. Cue the pinch runner.)

THIRD PLACE

"Hey. People. This ass isn't gonna kiss itself!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A commentary on the egos that drive big business. Fair enough. Why he insists his staff meet a-la-naturale is a mystery.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Heads up people. I'm about to show you what can brown do for you.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: More gross than funny. You knew bodily waste would play into this somehow, that's just the way we roll.)

Can we get back to business Pope Francis? Everyone's gotten a good look at the new papal scepter.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I want to remind the Good Lord it was boneguy who entered this blasphemous caption. I also want to make it clear I rolled my eyes and groaned slightly upon reading it.)

"So, how long does it take to clean and press five suits?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A plausible entry IF they were in their underwear, and IF there was some explantation as to why their suits have been soiled [a passing tsunami, say]. Even so, this is much better than the other “H” entry [see below]. I also get the sense Kathy knows exactly how long it takes to clean and press five suits—I just do!)

"Ladies and gentlemen, I believe that Strip Poker Tuesday has run its course."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I believe the H's are a couple—and I don't just mean a couple of feeble Anti-Cappers. Tim, I don't know how to break this to you, but Kathy is much better at this than you. And wasn't there another “H”--a daughter I recall-- who stuck her toe into Anti-Cap waters some time ago? Where'd she go? Why'd she pull out?)

"Bad news ... We're getting sued over the release of our new publication ... 'Porno for the Blind' ... In Braelle!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sued by whom? Here we have a mildly workable concept sullied by poor execution. How 'bout this: “Now they want a double -penetration scene! You know, doing porno for the blind in Braelle is more challenging than I expected!")

"You walk into the room

With your pencil in your hand

You see somebody naked

And you say, 'Who is that man?'

Well, suckas, it's me!!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At a concert I attended years ago, while introducing the song that influenced this caption – “Ballad of a Thin Man” – Dylan said it was written about a reporter from the Village Voice. He doesn't speak much at concerts so that really stayed with me. Just thought I'd share.)

"You walk into the room with your pencil in your hand. You see somebody naked and you say, 'Who is that man ?' Well, big surprise...It's me."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is something JohnnyB would enter [Yes, that's how bad it is!] Steve put much less effort into this than Anonymouse put into the entry included above. )

I have a feeling we're about to see three one-eyed midgets shouting the the word "now."--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's painfully clear that there are Anti-Cappers who know jack-shit about Bob Dylan. I forgive you. Just to expand your horizons, let me share the verse on which this cap is based in its entirety:

Now you see this one-eyed midget

Shouting the word "NOW"

And you say, "For what reason ?"

And he says, "How ?"

And you say, "What does this mean ?"

And he screams back, "You're a cow

Give me some milk

Or else go home."

Because something is happening

But you don't know what it is

Do you, Mister Jones ?

I am still baffled by these lyrics, particularly the line that says “You're a cow.” It's still a great song.)

"Shut up, Barb, everyone knows your johnson's a strap-on."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may be an effort to call attention to the duplicity inherent in a social order that demands women be both nurturing and aggressive; and the manner in which this engenders contempt and confrontation from s0-called colleagues in the boardroom...either that or it's a slightly naughty bastardization of a classic cap.)

"The ivy towers here are obscene."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A lame classic is still a classic, I always say. )

Christ, what an asshole.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Absolutely terrible. Just pathetic. If it just said “What an ass!” it would accomplish the intended double meaning and produce a decent cap. No one comments on the esthetics of the orifice itself, Johnny.)

Everyday he stands at the window for a half an hour, hoping Evrolet Girl will notice him.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Johnny tries to redeem himself with a narrative cap that references Anti-Cap culture—but falls short. Maybe if it said something about E-Girl smashing the window and turning the man into a human suppository it would have had Anti-Cap cred. [Of course, tampon or dildo would have also been acceptable.] Stay with it Johnny, you're getting closer!)

"I see a naked dead indian hanging from a Chrysler building gargolye.--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: References two previous Anti-Caps, including one mentioned in my non-contest entry a couple of weeks ago. Sumguy is like the kid who pays attention in class and does all his homework – and still flunks.)

Concerning contest #371, my 2nd placer, '9 Lives vs 6 Chambers', may have been borrowed by someone else, and is a finalist in the New Yorker contest.--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Big-Fucking-Deal! Just further proof that I don't look at the real contest (Okay, occasionally, but not very often.) Turns out Sumguy is also like the kid who raises his hand and says “Teacher! I saw JohnnyB and boneguy freebasing cocaine in the boys room!”)

"I can't believe it. We all got naked and masterbated and still no ideas. This is the worst writer's room I've ever been in."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Slightly funny but flawed [see below]. Sheds light on how both sit-coms and Anti-Caps are written, I suppose.)

Yo, Anonymous. It's spelled "masturbate." Shouldn't type with your left hand.
--Anti-Cap spell-check. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Talk about a jerk off! I have a long and sorted history with the spelling police. I remember a woman with a Masters in English Lit. once indignantly told me: “With your spelling, I can't believe you're a professional writer!” She worked at a Barnes & Noble but hastened to add she was on track to become a manager.)

"I felt that this was the only way we could choose 3 finalists for this week's contest. Now, let's get to your entries."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This certainly reflects an intimate familiarity with the judging process. If you are among the few Anti-Cappers who have not yet been invited to my penthouse suite to participate, just wait. I'll be in touch.)

We stay like this until al judges 357-9.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well boneguy, I think if you go back and visit the contests in question, you may be in for a very pleasant surprise!)

An external thrombosed hemorrhoid generally develops over time.
And sometimes if the hemorrhoid is already severe bleeding occurs.
You simply cannot live a quality lifestyle if you are suffering from External hemorrhoids.

Here is my homepage: how to cure hemorrhoids fast yahoo--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At first glance this looks like just another bit of the SPAM this blog occasionally attracts. Like hemorrhoids, they are unwanted and annoying but easily dispatched [lots of water, diet and exercise are the keys, I'm told]. Still, scratch harder and this fits the image. The exec is standing because he is suffering from this affliction. He's rambling on about it because he's a self-absorbed baby unaccustomed to discomfort. He's naked because that makes it easier to apply topical remedies. The people at the table –his “team” – have also stripped naked because they are eager to please the boss. He has been very grouchy lately because, you know, he has a major pain in the ass. No one wants to piss him off. Mrs. al in la, if you are reading this, I'm sure it all makes sense to you now.)