WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"I'm not going to say the word I'm thinking of."
Rest in peace Roger Ebert. The only "somebody" to ever win the real contest.-- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A fitting tribute to film critic Roger Ebert, who succumbed to illness last week at age 70. Turns out, he regularly entered the real Caption Contest and once won the damn thing with the cap included here. The NYer's cartoon handler, Bob Mankoff paid homage with a post that includes a sampling of what he felt were Ebert's best caps. My take: Anyone as smart, savvy and cynical as Ebert most certainly found his way to our Anti-Cap contest from time to time. He will be missed.)
SECOND PLACE
"I lost nearly a dozen friends to crack."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A decent cap for a pretty crappy cartoon, if you ask me. [And by implication, you did.] Why would an egg recount his woes to a strip of beacon? Why the quill pen? The cap reminds us of that drugs and breakfast exact a heavy toll. A standout only because it was a soft boiled week.)
THIRD PLACE
"Actually, I don't want bacon. I'm just waiting for Kathy H. to give me a couple of links."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Inside jokes usually don't finish in the top three. But this is too good to put down near the bottom. Kathy [pictured above] is a compulsive linker who refuses to get help.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Let's do breakfast."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminded me of my days in NYC when I was a reporter covering the entertainment biz. PR people always wanted to "do" breakfast. I hated that. Why not drinks after work, I'd say. Of even better, a big-ass dinner at a fancy restaurant. That was a sure way to get me to look at your press release. I never won a Pulitzer – as Mr. Ebert did – but at least I knew how a real big city journalist operates. Good times. Good times.)
"Mine is a life of constant sulfuring."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From smuck we also got this: "Since the divorce, I feel like my life is ova." I want to once again remind everyone: Think before you post. I'm not yoking.)
"They
keep saying the chicken is involved but that the pig is committed. I
don't get it. I just don't get it."--Satireguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who's “they?”
People who spout meaningless drivel? )
"Well,
since you asked, I have an unbelievable fear of the anachronistic use
of quills by anthropomorphic characters."--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
Hey! Slow down there, Little Miss Big Words. )
"When
they put me back together, I ended up with Minnie Mouse's feet!"--Dr
Sumguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Factually inaccurate. First, they couldn't put Humpty
Dumpty back together again. Also, at best he has her shoes.)
"If
I don't attend these food-court-ordered counseling sessions, I'll
really be in hot water."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Cute. But lazy. Quick tip: When hard boiling eggs, put the
eggs in cold water and bring the water to a boil, other wise they'll
crack. )
I'm
bacon you doctor, please talk me out of ending my egg-sistence.--
boneguy (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: First one entered. I knew instantly it would be one of those
weeks. You impress no one when you arrive early yet unprepared.)
"My
biggest fear is that I'll never get laid again."--Angus
Podgorny
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Ironically, Angus lays an egg with each cap he pulls out of
his butt.)
"Sorry,
Doc, but I just can't get over the fact that your first name is
Kevin!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Would you feel more comfortable if it was Hickory Smoked,
Turkey or Center Cut. )
"Actually
Kevin Bacon and salmonella are separated by 144 degrees."--
Anonymous (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: To which the Shrink replies: Who asked you? Now let's talk
about your mother.)
Why
yes we are related. I'm Egg White her brother!"--Local
Yolkel (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Snow's
brother was named Barry—everyone knows that. )
"Yeah,
I look like Ham Rove. So fucking what.?"-- Jim Cavanaugh
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could be a dig at
that swine Karl Rove. Fair enough.)
I'm
haunted by the faces of my bacon.--JohnnyB
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Excellent cap Johnny! Nice work! Keep up the good work!
[And yes I'm being sarcastic] )
I've
got to go. I just got a call that after this week's results, Dr.
Sumguy is threatening to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge again.--
Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
If he actually does it once, he won't be doing it again.)
"Doc,
I like to misspell for comic effect. Am I crazy?"--Kathy
H(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Make fun of me all you want [not that you needed my
permission] but ridicule is the residue of envy.)
"Spelling
errors drive me crazy. For example: e.g."--Greenie
Stik-M-Caps (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Quick
story: I once wrote that the death of beta video tapes was to be discussed at a "mourning seminar" and everyone thought it was masterful pun. That's
just the way my life works.)
"Doc,
I remember you when you were a part of your daddy's belly and you
were both at that store's Complaint Department. Bad fucking idea,
wouldn't you say?"-NJ-to-TX
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: To which the shrink says: I remember when you had you head
up your mom's butt. I think our time is up. See you next week. )
I'm bacon you doctor, please talk me out of ending my egg-sistence.
ReplyDelete"My biggest fear is that I'll never get laid again."
ReplyDelete"You ask me if I have a Pope complex? Let me tell ya something—I AM Eggs Benedict."
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm just involved but you're committed.
ReplyDeleteI may be cracked but you came to work fried.
ReplyDeleteShe humped me, then dumped me.
ReplyDeleteYes, I was desperate to end it. Jumping off the wall was a rash decision. Have you ever done anything, rasher?
ReplyDelete"The chicken and I had the best sex - we could never even tell which of us came first!"
ReplyDelete"All right, I admit it. I always came first."
ReplyDelete"Tell me more about the 'super-eggo'."
ReplyDelete"Sorry, Doc, but I just can't get over the fact that your first name is Kevin!"
ReplyDelete"Well, since you asked, I have an unbelievable fear of the anachronistic use of quills by anthropomorphic characters."
ReplyDelete"...and I can never find jeans that fit."
ReplyDeleteMy wife cheated on me. I think she has some eggs-plaining
ReplyDeleteto do.
I really don't believe in an afterlife. I guess that makes me an eggs-istentialist.
ReplyDeleteWe may not have much in common but if nothing else we can get fried together.
ReplyDelete"Why is it always bacon and egg? Why can't it be egg and bacon?"
ReplyDelete"That bastard chef tried to make a soufflé out of me. So, I eggs-acted revenge! And, I feel good about it!!"
ReplyDelete"...it's just that I've never seen a Jewish bacon psychiatrist before."
ReplyDelete"Shoes and gloves but no pants? Am I fucking nuts or what?"
ReplyDelete"If I don't attend these food-court-ordered counseling sessions, I'll really be in hot water."
ReplyDelete"Let's do breakfast."
ReplyDelete"Ever since I was blown, I can't get hard."
ReplyDelete"You have no idea what I've gone through."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"I don't see you and a baked potato going together. That's chive talk."
ReplyDelete"I am the eggman, coo coo ca-choo, coo coo ca-choo."
ReplyDelete"I'm so eggcited about the upcoming SCOTUS decision on gay marriage that I can hardly sleep!"
ReplyDelete"I smell baconnnnnnnnnnn!!! Nyum Nyum Nyum Nyum Nyum...."
ReplyDelete"My mother? Died in childbirth, as you might have guessed."
ReplyDelete"They keep saying the chicken is involved but that the pig is committed. I don't get it. I just don't get it."
ReplyDelete"I can't believe you're using Pam too."
ReplyDelete"Actually Kevin Bacon and salmonella are separated by 144 degrees."
ReplyDeleteMy advice. Avoid brown eggs. I've heard they're here illegally .
ReplyDelete(In the Same vein)
ReplyDeleteI don't treat brown eggs. None of them have
insurance.
"I don't think I can survive another Easter Egg Hunt ... And it doesn't help, that my name is Dr Richard Kimble!"
ReplyDelete"I'm allergic to eggs, and recently have noticed a rash on my pudenda ... However the Mexican skin creme, 'Oil of Ole', seems to help!"
ReplyDelete"I started out as a medium white egg in a carton ... And ended up as an 'Extra Large' in a cartoon!"
ReplyDelete"Dumpty. Humpberto Dumpty."
ReplyDelete"Good eggs are few and far between, while 'laying an egg' is always used in the pejorative sense."
ReplyDeleteMy first wife was a Faberge egg. She left me for a hard boiled beat cop. I then met a cute dame named Daisy and moved back to East Egg.
ReplyDelete"So, tell me, Doc. Do you Scotchgard™ your furniture?"
ReplyDeleteWhy yes we are related. I'm Egg White her brother!"
ReplyDelete"I fired my last psychiatrist -- he's toast!"
ReplyDeleteListen, after marrying Yolko Ovo, it's no wonder I ended up here.
ReplyDelete"And then at three days old, a rooster put his pecker right on my shell."
ReplyDelete"Vertical stripes do make you look more lean."
ReplyDeleteI'm haunted by the faces of my bacon.
ReplyDeleteI, on the other hand, am haunted by the bacon in my feces.
ReplyDelete"Any issues? Well, I applied to medical school to become a psychiatrist, but -- thanks to affirmative action -- I was edged out by a piece of bacon!".
ReplyDelete"I'd like to come out'a my shell and the closet!"
ReplyDelete"Will I still go to heaven after I'm aborted?"
ReplyDeleteSometimes Mr. Egg, a breakfast sausage is just a sausage.
ReplyDelete"...and I like the fact that you use a 50-minute egg-timer for our sessions."
ReplyDelete"They were all swimming at me, trying to break through my shell, and when I woke up, I realized that I need to be a woman. I mean, I'm a fucking egg, after all."
ReplyDelete"So I'm on the seder plate -- where I don't imagine you've ever been -- and some guy holds me up and says I'm the symbol of life. I liked that."
ReplyDelete"Yeah, I look like Ham Rove. So fucking what.?"
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
I've got to go. I just got a call that after this week's results, Dr. Sumguy is threatening to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge again.
ReplyDelete"Do you think there's actually an afterlife when we're cooked or just nothingness?"
ReplyDeleteAfter sex all my wife wants is to be coddled.
ReplyDelete"I'm having a mid-expiration date crisis, and I'm hoping you can prescribe sodium nitrate."
ReplyDelete"Doc, I like to misspell for comic effect. Am I crazy?"
ReplyDelete"Actually, I don't want bacon. I'm just waiting for Kathy H. to give me a couple of links."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"Doc, I remember you when you were a part of your daddy's belly and you were both at that store's Complaint Department. Bad fucking idea, wouldn't you say?"
ReplyDelete"At first the sex was 'Sunny-Side-Up', then 'Over Easy' (disguisting), and finally 'Egg-in-the Hole' ... Doc, I can't take it anymore!"
ReplyDeleteMy wife? She's nothing but a shell of her former self.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete"Spelling errors drive me crazy. For example: e.g."
"I've had a hard time waking most mornings and it's been that way for a month or more. I guess I'm not a morning person."
ReplyDelete"Babe, I'd like to slather u with my SPF 69, If you get my sexual drift !!!"
ReplyDelete[R.I.P., Roger Ebert.]
ReplyDelete"Mine is a life of constant sulfuring."
ReplyDelete"Since the divorce, I feel like my life is ova."
ReplyDelete"I wish I was taller."
ReplyDelete"No one gets my yolks."
ReplyDelete"I lost nearly a dozen friends to crack."
ReplyDelete"This above all, to swine own self be true."
ReplyDelete"I'm not going to say the word I'm thinking of."
ReplyDeleteRest in peace Roger Ebert. The only "somebody" to ever win the real contest.
"Fo' shizzle my sizzle!"
ReplyDelete"I'm not really into this traditional breakfast therapy but I'm willing to give it a try."
ReplyDelete"No Mr. Bacon, I expect you to fry."
ReplyDelete"When they put me back together, I ended up with Minnie Mouse's feet!"
ReplyDelete"Costco. Where do you get your glasses?"
ReplyDeleteMy family? Wiped out at the Des Moines Hyatt breakfast buffet omelette station two weeks ago.
ReplyDelete"No one said it would be over easy."
ReplyDelete"'Roleggs' seem to help!"
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