WINNERS
FIRST
PLACE
"I'm
beginning to suspect that Don Trotsky is not Russian mafia after all,
but actually supports a competing faction."--Anonymous Coward
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A head-scratcher, but this may be an effort
to call attention to the bizarre protocols of organized crime. Before
I majored in Poli. Sci., I thought Trotsky was Russian for “trot,”
now I know the real Mafia is the bourgeoisie.)
SECOND
PLACE
If
Trigger pulling the trigger doesn't have the Grand Jury in stitches,
that would be criminal.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
First: You would need an opposable thumb. Also, horse-on-horse crime
is hardly a laughing matter. I don't get this one, but that has never
stopped me.)
THIRD
PLACE
"Fuck
the pig and the horse he rode in on!"--Hypocritical Idiot
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A variation on “Fuck you and the horse
you rode in on.” I think we all get that. And the cop is in fact
mounted, so it kind of works. I still don't understand why the horse
is wearing a suit. It completely screws up the narrative and makes
this like a parallel universe thing.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"Why
is it every time we take a vote it always ends up four yeas and a
nay?"--Richard
H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apart from being terrible, there are two problems
with this: The person speaking is presumably among the majority, so
why would he care? Also, the word you are looking for is “neigh”
not “nay.” Do I now have to teach remedial pun-use to you
people?)
"I
brought a couple of snitches. Do you mind?"--smuck
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cute. A riff on “I brought a couple of
midgets...” our most enduring, and confusing, classic. And, yes,
they would mind very much.)
“Jimmy,
update me on our charitable contributions. Sebastian, any progress
with urban renewal? Rocco, shoot the cop, take the horse.”--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Godfather tribute. We'll leave it at
that.)
Let
me guess, Paulie and Big Pussy won best
costume again.--boneguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hard to say which of them is better
suited to be the horse's ass, but a Sopranos tribute is always
welcome. As Paulie once said “You're only as good as your last
envelope." )
"Sumpin
tells me we gonna be sayin bye bye to old Pie-O-My over
here."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another
Sopranos reference. Ralph had the horse torched, which led to Tony
getting a face full of bug spray as he beat Ralph to death.
Christopher finds out Ralph was bald when they hack up his body in
the bath tub—a procedure referred to as “wet work.” I know my
Sopranos, is all I'm saying.)
"If
I have to wait till four-fucking-fifteen again, somebody's gonna
die."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Threats and
intimidation are a daily reality for high profile, successful people—
I get that. This is a statement on the late posting of the cartoon.
In other words, the Anti Capper is dissatisfied with the horse's post
time. [How does it feel when someone does it to you?])
"His
name is al. He lives in la. I want him disappeared.
Capische?"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again I am
dissed. The irony is I often disappear of my volition. )
I'll
need three dozen more mounted patrols to control the crowd
celebrating al's next judgement.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here's
my ruling: There is no “e” in judgment. )
Come
on Al! Keep it up. Keep your New Year's resolution. It's been fun and
you bring a smile and a laugh or two to us. If not, fuck it! We knew
your talent was a clip on!--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Would
be more accurate if it said “a smile and a laugh for two of us.”
And yes I often say “fuck it!” when it comes to this contest, so it works on that level
too.)
"New
Yorker Anti-Caption Contests 357, 258, 359, 360, 363, 364, and 365
haven't been judged. Why?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
See previous comment.)
"Nice
job taking care of Judge Crater. Now, new business. Who has any
contacts in L.A.?"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT:
Another thinly vailed threat, this one has a historical twist. )
"So,
if we are really gonna' make this work, we need someone who is
irresponsible, has never met a deadline, can't spell, is clueless
with any literary or classical reference, claims to love Dylan and
defers to his wife when the going gets tough . . . and somehow a
horse in shades with Donnie Darko in the saddle fits the bill??? . .
. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures!"
---al's
first wife (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit long-winded and
heavy-handed. The 2001 film Donnie
Darko – a huge flop –
centered on a troubled
teen plagued by visions of a large bunny rabbit that manipulates him
to commit crimes. So don't tell me I don't know shit—okay?)
"Mister Ed says ... This time ... No 'Horse Head in the Bed'!"
ReplyDelete"Dammit, I told you I wanted 'whores,' not 'horse,' and I sure as hell didn't tell you I really needed a 'posse.'"
ReplyDelete"Sumpin tells me we gonna be sayin bye bye to old Pie-O-My over here."
ReplyDelete"I don't care if he is married to your sister, I think the pony is playing us!"
ReplyDeleteLet me guess, Paulie and Big Pussy won best
ReplyDeletecostume again.
"According to Emily Post it's bad etiquette to have your elbows on the table! ... So ... Who called the cops?"
ReplyDelete"It's brilliant! ... A mounted cop as the getaway vehicle!"
ReplyDeleteIn an uncanny mash-up of Star Trek episodes, Bela Okmyx finally realizes the mother-fuckin' Gorn is dressed like Horse. Hilarity ensues."
ReplyDelete"It will be after dusk ... Will use the 'Nightmare'!"
ReplyDelete"Whispering ... (Tell Mister Ed the Dick goes on the bottom, not on the top)!"
ReplyDelete"The day we get caught is when pigs fly over my house."
ReplyDelete"The moles here are equine."
ReplyDelete"Here's the con for the Belmont job: we trot in and say we're from Brink's Mounted Security to pick up the day's take. Then load up the saddlebags and gallop off, guns a'blazin."
ReplyDelete"I brought a couple of snitches. Do you mind?"
ReplyDelete"Looks like Sarah Jessica Parker decided to join our little gang after all."
ReplyDelete"His name is al. He lives in la. I want him disappeared. Capische?"
ReplyDeleteIf Trigger pulling the trigger doesn't have the Grand Jury in stitches, that would be criminal.
ReplyDelete"'Trigger' have some more hay. I can't Roy ... You know I'm stuffed"!
ReplyDelete"I'm beginning to suspect that Don Trotsky is not Russian mafia after all, but actually supports a competing faction."
ReplyDelete"I can understand a horse wearing a shirt, tie and jacket. But what the hell's up with those Foster Grants ® ?"
ReplyDelete“Jimmy, update me on our charitable contributions. Sebastian, any progress with urban renewal? Rocco, shoot the cop, take the horse.”
ReplyDeleteDid you really need to bribe the horse, too?
ReplyDelete"We think the horse has been shopping at 'Old Neigh-vy'!"
ReplyDelete"Any of youse a horse whisperer?"
ReplyDeleteI am not a crook.
ReplyDelete"Why is it every time we take a vote it always ends up four yeas and a nay?"
ReplyDelete"So it's settled. We're putting on Equus."
ReplyDeleteCall the Times and tell them we have Manti T'eo's girlfriend.
ReplyDelete"If it poops, we ask him to leave."
ReplyDelete"Whichever of you is responsible for Michelle Obama's new hairdo: Kudos."
ReplyDeleteI'll need three dozen more mounted patrols to control the crowd celebrating al's next judgement.
ReplyDelete"Should we include the horse? ... I understand she has a reputation as a 'Holster Humper'!"
ReplyDelete"I am convinced someone in this room is not who they say they are."
ReplyDelete"Then I say to the judge, "I know the meaning of Easter.""
ReplyDelete"New Yorker Anti-Caption Contests 357, 258, 359, 360, 363, 364, and 365 haven't been judged. Why?"
ReplyDelete"Sure, I'm willing to let the horse be the new judge . . . call him al, I don't care . . . and he's got a cop riding him to keep it honest."
ReplyDelete"Put 10 large down on at least 4 of them going unjudged. What's with the horse, Officer Dibble?"
ReplyDelete"Insanity doesn't run in the Gambini family, it gallops."
ReplyDelete"I've got a feeling we've got an informant in our midst."
ReplyDelete"It's decided then! ... 'Horse Cock de Grace' ... Al will be toast!"
ReplyDelete"Hey, lighten up on al . . . He tries real hard."
ReplyDelete"So do washing machines."
---E.G. Marshall
"So, if we are really gonna' make this work, we need someone who is irresponsible, has never met a deadline, can't spell, is clueless with any literary or classical reference, claims to love Dylan and defers to his wife when the going gets tough . . . and somehow a horse in shades with Donnie Darko in the saddle fits the bill??? . . . Well, desperate times call for desperate measures!"
ReplyDelete---al's first wife
"Nice job taking care of Judge Crater. Now, new business. Who has any contacts in L.A.?"
ReplyDelete"I want him dead! I want his family dead! I want his horse burnt to the ground!"
ReplyDelete"Yeah, I'm doing a little business on the side with Burger King. But don't tell the orse-hay, OK?"
ReplyDelete