New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #364

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Let's play snooker until Florrie gets here with the rolling pin. Oh, wait, never mind. I thought this was the Andy Capp contest."--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This falls into that huge category of contemporary humor known as so-bad-it's-good. Andy Capp is a drunken, ill-tempered braggard with bad manners. The Anti-Cap is a contest that attracts those with strikingly similar characteristics. This would be perfect if it wasn't so not-funny, which is, of course, the point.)

SECOND PLACE

"Moobs, nipple sensitivity, gynacomastia, loss of libido, erectile dysfunction, hair loss, low testosterone, couple of other things. You?"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good use of hard-to-spell words and a biting commentary on the rigorous restrictions placed on pharmaceutical advertising. Well played.)

THIRD PLACE

Te'o's girlfriend's got nothin' on you. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...you somehow believe the football player's make-believe girlfriend makes for razor sharp commentary. This is included only to call attention to Johnny's infinate capacity for lameness. A classic example of the type of muck that dissaudes interest. Nuff said.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Gaham Wilson toasts Gaham Wilson!--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The veteran cartoonist has been resting on his laurels for some time. And don't give me any shit about people in glass houses...I have no laurels to rest on.)

"Gahan, you sly devil; you're adorable."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I didn't realize this was any good until I saw a cap praising it [see below]. Adorable is not a word often used to describe him or his work.)

Nice work, Satireguy. You did it with class.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't agree but what do I know?)

"But the cardboard filled windows
And old men on the benches
Tell you now that the whole town is empty." --NCB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not a word of this cap is evident in the cartoon but it is from the Dylan song "North Country Blues" which appears on the 1964 album “The Times They Are a-Changin'” So it's got that going for it.)

Well, you may be the devil or you may be cardboard
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Could be a cry for help. The lyrics of “Gotta Serve Somebody” also say “You may be rich or poor, you may be blind or lame...” As such, it is the only Dylan song to include the word “lame,” also the opperative word for Johnny's caps –see how it all comes full circle?)

"I feel victimized by these faces at my haunts." --Bil H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty good but it takes a few seconds to get it—I hate that in a joke.)

"Sure a bartender's mentality can be appreciated; like morphine or cortisone."--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of an inside joke. The bartender's mentality refers to someone who swings by and makes an off handed remake with the intent of being funny, topical or cutting. It can also be appreciated like a pimple on your gonads.)

"You don't have big shoulders. You have broad shoulders.--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This offers evidence that NJ-to-TX actually watched the video I made of myself while ice skating last week. I appreciate the loyalty even if it yielded yet another cap notable only for what it's not: Interesting.)

"I said I figured I'd do a more recent one and, you know, work backwards—when I got around to it. Now they got to scroll way the fuck down to check if any are judged. Ain't I a stinka?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you find scrolling down too much effort you have the work ethic of navel lint—I'm not judging, just observing.)

Are you any good at judging humor contests?"--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This contest is to humor what something that's not funny is to something that's funny. [Yeah, I know, I know...I'm just mailing it in.] )