WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
[Off camera] "Cut! Cut!!! Mr. Fox, please try not to spill the coffee again. Aaaand.... Back to the Future 5, scene 6, take 29... Action!"--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Somehow less mean spritied if you assume the cap is projecting well into the future. Michael J. continues to work despite his battle with Parkinson's, so he's fair game for a cheap shot. [Determination is the mother's milk of ridicule.] Also, to save money, Universal Studios made Back To The Future Parts II and III at the same time, so it's historically accurate to suggest the studio would squeeze the franchise dry before the star becomes “unavailable.” This drawing is also the way the film had McFly look in his latter years. Acts of valor are also comic fodder. Fight On, Mr. Fox!)
FIRST PLACE
[Off camera] "Cut! Cut!!! Mr. Fox, please try not to spill the coffee again. Aaaand.... Back to the Future 5, scene 6, take 29... Action!"--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Somehow less mean spritied if you assume the cap is projecting well into the future. Michael J. continues to work despite his battle with Parkinson's, so he's fair game for a cheap shot. [Determination is the mother's milk of ridicule.] Also, to save money, Universal Studios made Back To The Future Parts II and III at the same time, so it's historically accurate to suggest the studio would squeeze the franchise dry before the star becomes “unavailable.” This drawing is also the way the film had McFly look in his latter years. Acts of valor are also comic fodder. Fight On, Mr. Fox!)
I'm
not kinky, I'm just drawn that way.---JohnnyB
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Borrowing a line from the valupuous yet conflicted Jessica
Rabbit, Johnny reaches for sexual innuendo. As such, the cap has
enough to merit recognition. The detective in “Who Framed Roger
Rabbit?” provokes Jessie's pouty response when he says “how hard
it is” to gaze on her beauty. Conversely, the guy with the shaky
lines in the diner does not engender a similar response. He also
seems more squiggly, but kinky obviously works better even if
definitions of the word vary.)
THIRD
PLACE
"I'll
have another bowl of chilly."--Diner
Shore (Childish
and obvious, yet surreal and slightly thought provoking. The
signature also recalls songstress Dinah Shore, whose enduring legacy
is her ability to draw thousands of lesbians to a golf tournament in
Palm Springs each year.)
HONORABLE
MENTIONS
"When
it gets c-c-cold, I just can't stop sh-sh-shivering. What
eff-eff-effect does it have on y-y-you? [Stares forward.] Oh, I
s-s-see."--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: So...it's so cold he's showing signs of hypothermia and her
nipples have become erect. Or...maybe the nervousness and stuttering
is because he is oodling her breasts. Maybe she knows men tip more
when she flashes the headlights. What ever this is trying to say, I
want to applaud the effort, however flawed.)
"I
told my wife to taker her vibrator and cram it up her
ass."--Anonymous
said...(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: So apparently she returned the favor—either that or she
thought he said “MY ass” Is he bragging or complaining? Either
way the device is clearly set on “high.”)
"I
get the shakes whenever I see a Castro double sealing an envelope
full of anthrax."--LR (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: A reference to the other guy at the couter who is either eating sandwich wiping his mouth or plotting to kill everyone. Nice eye for detail.
Ironically he'd be more inclined to draw a rebuke if he lit a cigar.)
"Now
will you sit on my face?"--Grandpa
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: To which the waitress responds: “Sweetie, if I had a buck
for every time I heard that one...”)
"I
just hate being a near-satire of Edward Hopper's most
famous work."--Kathy
H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: This links to the classic painting of people in a coffee
shop. Once again Kathy goes with obscure over interesting.)
“I’m
haunted by the pace of my refills.”--Dex
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Not many classics for this one so this will have to do.)
"I
just listened to Dylan's new album Tempest and I'm still trembling
with delight --Lucky Zim (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: A wonderful album—his best since 1997's Time Out Of Mind--
and a nice little little plug. Still, “Trembling with delight” is
a bit over the top. I did get a rush when Mrs. al in la and I went to
get tickets to see Dylan at the Hollywood Bowl in a few weeks. Even
better: to screw TicketMaster we bought them at the box office.)
"It's
Paul, but you can call me Palsy, all my friends do."--Tremor
Berbick (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If they are really your friends they wouldn't ridicule your affliction [Unless it was for humor value in an Anti-Cap Contest or something]. More
important: She's pouring your coffee. She does not give a shit what
your name is.)
"It
is always so tranquil here at Windows On The World that I
just...DAMN! Was that some kind of explosion?" (Dedicated to our
brave first responders)--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: We mourn the
passing of all those we lost that sad day, but I can assure you
Windows on the World did not have a counter where you could sip a cup
of joe and chat about sports and politics. I heard it did have a
wonderful crab salad appraiser that went for $38.)
"What
you're seeing is a manifestation of vacillation. You see, I can't
decide if I'm in an Anti-Caption or Anti-Captain contest. But I know
I'm not at a spelling bee."--LR (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: My advise: Print this out and use some vacillation to ram it up your ass. [Am I spelling that right?])
"When
you're a pedophile, being albino and having Huntington’s Disease is
an advantage. My milky shake brings all the boys to the yard."--Damon
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: So gross. So awful. So
completely outside the bounds of decency. I was going to make it the
winner until I asked “So what's funny about that?”)
"Christ,
what an asshole. Do I look like Bob Dylan?"--Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get this. Would
have been better if it said “Christ? You really think I'm Christ?
What an asshole, I don't even look like Bob Dylan.”)
"I
like my women like I like my coffee -without a penis"--cta
(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: There were several caps that went this route. This was the
worst. [Congrats cta!] Some advice: if your coffee has any type
of body part in it, don't drink it. If your only standard for a woman
is the absense of male genitalia, you are casting too wide a net.)
"Two
more cups and I'll be ready to judge the fucking caption
contest."--Judge Me Well (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Because it does not specify ANTI-cap, we can safely assume
the coffee drinker is the NYer's cap judge—which blows the premise
of the cap because it's not set in a Starbucks.)
"I know, I know. Your eyes are up here."
ReplyDelete"There just doesn't seem to be any work out there for Perforation Man."
ReplyDeleteDon't look over there but I think Fidel Castro has his eye on me and I'm having a missile crisis in my pants.
ReplyDeleteI'm not kinky, I'm just drawn that way.
ReplyDeleteThis is only the first time I've tried it, but I don't think this vibrating stool is going to catch on.
ReplyDelete"Epilepsy."
ReplyDeleteAre you brewing the Parkinson's blend again?
ReplyDelete"What's shakin', Bernice?"
ReplyDeleteGot meth?
ReplyDelete"I get the shakes whenever I see a Castro double sealing an envelope full of anthrax."
ReplyDelete"Thanks for the hummer, Bernice. Is that trucker still watching us?"
ReplyDelete"How many times do I have to tell you? Shaken, not stirred."
ReplyDelete"When it gets c-c-cold, I just can't stop sh-sh-shivering. What eff-eff-effect does it have on y-y-you? [Stares forward.] Oh, I s-s-see."
ReplyDelete"I just hate being a near-satire of Edward Hopper's most famous work."
ReplyDeleteBetter beans. Better coffee ... What's that Smell!
ReplyDeletePay no mind. It's that joker Scotty trying to beam me up again.
ReplyDeleteNext time could I get the eggs a little more firmly scrambled?
ReplyDelete"De calf belongs in de pasture."
ReplyDeleteIt's so good, you think a Mexican cat made it! ... What's that Smell?"
ReplyDelete"Decaf? I ain't drinkin' no decaf. I don't need no decaf! I don't have to drink any stinkin' decaf!"
ReplyDelete"Bertha, now she always showed me her cleavage. One time she pulled my head in. They were like two fluffy pancakes, with lots of butter and a strawberry on each one. I'll tell ya, there was a couple shots of whipped cream a-fore ya knew it."
ReplyDelete"I'm just nervous that Romney will get elected."
ReplyDelete"Now will you sit on my face?"
ReplyDelete"The more I get the shakes the more my wife seems to love me".
ReplyDelete"My wife put a spell on me and now I have to hold onto my tounge or my teeth will vibrate out of my head".
ReplyDelete"That's right, my name is Richter. Like the Scale."
ReplyDelete"I like my coffee like I like my women. Y'know, decaffeinated."
ReplyDelete"This is your last cup Mr Jitters! I advise you to call 9111111!"
ReplyDelete"Hold the cream! Hold the sugar! I'll have it black ... Like my stools!"
ReplyDelete"I blame it on your big cups."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
".....I was thinkin' like..maybe sometime when you get off work, we could like....maybe, go see a movie?"
ReplyDelete“I’m haunted by the pace of my refills.”
ReplyDeleteI know; and yet the cup stays perfectly still.
ReplyDelete"Thanks. I hope my tip's big enough to satisfy you."
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"...and to make matters worse, I've had an erection for more than four hours."
ReplyDelete"I'll have another bowl of chilly."
ReplyDelete"It's a cold world out there, Elaine."
ReplyDelete"The worst thing is whenever I take a piss, my shoes get soaked."
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete"Use me."
"I just came from Shake Shack."
ReplyDelete"I used to be a Quaker, but now I'm a Shaker."
ReplyDelete"One more cup of coffee for the road
ReplyDeleteOne more cup of coffee 'fore I go.
To the valley below that apron of yours."
Here's my theory: If Abigail Folger had convinced Charles Manson that the crystals in her Daddy's coffee were methamphetamine, there is no doubt in my mind that she'd be alive today.
ReplyDelete"I've finally found the downside of a bottomless cup of coffee."
ReplyDeleteI like coffee, I like tea
ReplyDeleteI like the java jive and it likes me
Coffee and tea and the jiving and me
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup!
[Off camera] "Cut! Cut!!! Mr. Fox, please try not to spill the coffee again. Aaaand.... Back to the Future 5, scene 6, take 29... Action!"
ReplyDelete"Whatsaaa gggirl lllike you dddoing in aa ppplace lllike tthis?"
ReplyDelete"You realize, of course, that these are grounds for divorce."
ReplyDelete"It is always so tranquil here at Windows On The World that I just...DAMN! Was that some kind of explosion?" (Dedicated to our brave first responders)
ReplyDeleteKathy H., it's been a wonderful evening (worried about Romney becoming president), don't spoil it now (grounds for divorce).
ReplyDelete"I like my coffee like I like my women - hot, black and bitter."
ReplyDelete"I like my coffee like I like my boys—all cream."
ReplyDelete"It's Paul, but you can call me Palsy, all my friends do."
ReplyDelete"The earthquakes here are localized."
ReplyDelete"Don't look now but I did a scene in 'Deliverance' with that guy- damn method actor. If anything happens to me, tell Mrs. Beatty that Ned loves her."
ReplyDelete"Who do you have to fuck around here to see a pair of legs.....Please say it's you."
"I'm 19, but I'm hooked on meth."
ReplyDelete"This last cup should improve my vibrato"
ReplyDelete"I'm old. I shake. Yes, more coffee, and you're not getting a tip. Sue me, Pig!"
ReplyDeleteIf by fair trade you mean a sizeable tip in exchange for a rim job, you're on.
ReplyDelete"What you're seeing is a manifestation of vacillation. You see, I can't decide if I'm in an Anti-Caption or Anti-Captain contest. But I know I'm not at a spelling bee."
ReplyDelete"My favorite movie? Why, Shakes the Clown, of course."
ReplyDelete“You’d be nervous too if you just won the Larry David Look-Alike Contest.”
ReplyDelete---left coast wayne
“Why am I the only one who feels these temblors?”
ReplyDelete---blw
“I’m thinking I should not have offered to go down on the big guy over there.”
ReplyDelete---left coast wayne
"Aldrin, Buzz Aldrin."
ReplyDelete"The c-c-c-coffee here n-n-n-needs c-c-c-ream."
ReplyDeleteMichael J Fox, yes. Would you like an autograph in the shape of a rohrsatz?
ReplyDelete"So I lose my drivers license and can't vote. Romney wins the recount here in Pennsylvania by one vote and that gives him the presidency. Is it possible to kill youself with coffee?"
ReplyDeleteJim Cavanaugh
"To the brim Mabel! I just came from 'Tremors 2', where one of the 'Graboids' almost castrated me ... Thank god for the Gummers!
ReplyDelete"Put it on my tab; Mr. Sybian".
ReplyDelete"I never get up that early... My neighbor is a very round woman and she comes out in a little muu muu to get the morning paper, I didn’t mean to look, I didn’t want to look, why did I look"?
ReplyDelete"I just listened to Dylan's new album Tempest and I'm still trembling with delight."
ReplyDelete"It's not you Gladys ... it's me, and my 'Chattering Penis Sheath'!"
ReplyDelete"Only half a cup!"
ReplyDelete"When you're a pedophile, being albino and having Huntington’s Disease is an advantage. My milky shake brings all the boys to the yard."
ReplyDeleteThis happens every time I come off shift from the Large Hedron Collider.
ReplyDelete"I don't have any quiver matches at the moment."
ReplyDelete"If you want advice on women, you ask women. You don't ask guys. Guys don't know shit about women."
ReplyDelete"B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothin' yet."
ReplyDelete"They call me Lord Chatterley."
ReplyDeleteYup, you guessed it. Bill Cosby fanboy.
ReplyDelete"We both work for Mayflower. They only hire movers and shakers."
ReplyDelete"Either too much caffeine or this Benjamin Schwartz guy is an epileptic."
ReplyDelete"I'll defeat her damn vibrator if my name isn't John Henry."
ReplyDelete"My seismologist said I was small for my size."
ReplyDelete"Somebody at The New Yorker wants to caffeinate me to death."
ReplyDelete"I guess I'm a little nervous about taking so long to get the next caption contest up and running."
ReplyDeleteYo al! Click on
ReplyDeletehttp://contest.newyorker.com/CaptionContest.aspx?affiliate=ny-caption
for the new caption.
"Fill it to the rim...with Brim."
ReplyDelete"Hi! ... My name is Hammer, Jack Hammer!"
ReplyDelete"Under the counter hand-job."
ReplyDeleteItoldmyDoctortoFUCKOFFIonlyhaveafewgoodyearsleftandI'mgoingtodrinkalltheGODDAMNcaffeineIwant...amItalkingfast?
ReplyDelete"Anti-Capton? What the hell's an Anti-Capton? And who designed your toy sailboat hat?"
ReplyDelete"If I had legs I could steady myself".
ReplyDelete"Here's the goddamned 100th comment. Now, what do I win?!"
ReplyDelete"I like my coffee like I like my women—black, dumped into a container, swallowed whole, excreted into a toilet and flushed down the sewer system."
ReplyDelete"Two more cups and I'll be ready to judge the fucking caption contest."
ReplyDelete