New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #345

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Says here you've been seeing some bright light lately- I'm going to prescribe some darker sunglasses."--Shelly  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:   It's been said those at death's door see a bright light beckoning in the distance. Here, the doctor reflectively seeks to address the symptom while ignoring the cause. A bit cryptic, cynical and completely illogical [an Rx for darker sunglasses?], but this is a remarkably perceptive comment on assembly line health care.)

SECOND PLACE 

Day 28,620. Still no reply from Lindbergh. Beginning to doubt plan.--Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Consistent with the twisted, mean-spirited humor that is the currency of  Anti-Cappers.  [That's why it gets 2nd Place--nice job, Austin!] But it is factually flawed and confusing. Tragically, the body of  20-month old "Baby Lindy" was found two months after the child's March 1, 1932 abduction. Also, according to a web site that figures such things, that's exactly 29,382 days ago. [or 80 years, five months and 11 days if you're scoring at home]. Mitigating factor: The Simpsons had a episode where Grandpa Abe tells Mr. Burns  "All right! I admit it! I'm the Lindbergh baby!" So maybe this cap is not as bogus as it seems.)

THIRD PLACE

"Well, it looks like we finished your treatments just in time...You are broke".--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Very impressive. This would work for the "real contest." It rises to the level of  Anti-Cap if we assume the doctor also sold the casket to the patient just as he was running out of money and about to kick. Still, most doctors would say "it appears" instead of  "it looks like,"  and  "have completed," as opposed to "finished."  That's just the way they talk.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Hang on a sec. I'm busy making stuff up about the President's head wound.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to JFK [back, and to the left, no doubt].  Or...it could be a reference to the time Obama had a gash that required 12 stitches. The "official" story was that he caught an elbow playing basketball, but right wingers note that the President has never conclusively proven he wasn't smoking crack at the time. Naturally, if the cap said "...stuff about the president GETTING head..." it would have been an obvious Big Dog reference.)

"Brought in by a deliriously happy punt coverage team. Found downed and just in bounds at the one-half yard line, right before a commercial break."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Did the ball do a slow wobbly roll or take one of those backward bounces? A long way to go to describe the coffin corner but, yes, it's that time of year. )

How about "My diagnosis was dead wrong." No, that sucks.....--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not if you're  headline writer. And what if the patient died and the authorities suspected malpractice? And let's say the doc had a questionable history and his lawyer advised him to clam up. Here's the N.Y. Post headline: "Diagnosis Dead Wrong, Quack Ducks Stiff Questions.")

"Fucking 9-11 reenact ors."--doc

"Fucking Aurora Massacre reenactors."--Anonymous

And, of course,

"Fucking Sikh temple shooting reenactors."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Three caps apparently inspired by's last week's second place winner.  Obviously no one reenacting a war or any other horror wishes to be among the victims, so let's once again assume these caps mock those who celebrate such things.)

"NOTE 14: The lower torso of Mr. Smith was never found after his tragic mountain climbing -- and falling -- expedition."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sort of makes sense and references a previous cap, but here's the thing: Kathy, a beloved if sporadic Anti Capper--decided for some reason to insert "and falling."  This screws up the cap because it was not a "falling expedition."  And if he fell, his torso would still be attached--or at least nearby. Also, while I still have you, is Mr. Smith really the best name you could come up with? How about Mr. Hanley?)

Another sawing in half experiment has failed.

1) recheck the illustration in the Magic By Mail course book
2) practice alternate pronunciations of abracadabra.
3) hire new assistant--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, and make certain the new assistant is a diminutive and highly flexible woman who can lie  flat on her back and bring her knees up to her chest in a confined space while pulling strings that make fake feet move. [Sorry if that spoils the trick for you J.B.]. )

Milk - 2%
Hummus
Pita Chips
Chicken
Basil
Waters
TP
Catfood - Dry
#4 Melitta filters
Hornsby's Cider
Eggs
Butter
Flax Seed Bread--Post Mortem Store Run (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A long-ass way of establishing two things:  A doctor's reaction to losing a patient is like that of a bartender who broke a glass: "Opps! Well that sucks." This also confirms that high income earners mostly buy what we buy, plus crap they don't really need.]

"Take two aspirin and call me in the mourning."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Sometimes the most obvious pun is nothing more than the most obvious pun.)

Well, the embalmer did promise change.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Impressive twist on "Obama did promise change." )

"Well, Obama did promise change."--Floggin A. Dedhorse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is included in the hope that whoever submitted it is suitably shamed by the previous entry.)

"My biggest concern is your coughin'."--smuck  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Too awful to ignore. But once again my praise is faint.)

"Dear Turn Your Head and Coffin Company, I just want to say I'm a big fan of your quality product..."--Tim H  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like the previous entry, this calls attention to the fact that coffin sounds like "coughin'. "  Tim picked up on that and developed a narrative. As usual he gets an "A" for effort.  )

"Christ, enjoy this asshole."--Damon  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  If he has atoned, his transgressions will become ass-holiness.)

foul-stiffy you crazy bastard how is hell without you?--Reachie Reach (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic pressed into service. The signature says it all. )

"Hmmm. What's this? 'Deceased's name: Mets Chances Of Getting Into Playoffs.'"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  And since it won't hurt, go head, stick a folk in them--cause they're done like dinner.)

“So, Bob, being gay and all, this is probably the first time you’ve been in a box.”

[Happy third anniversary, al]--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Caption-wise this is beyond awful. You have truly embarrassed yourself, Dex  [if that's even your real fake name.] You should be ashamed. But I am touched that someone noticed that it was three years ago that I started doing this thing that I do. Frankly, it seems longer. Thanks again Dex, or what ever your name is.)