The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #335

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WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"Shoot 'em, dammit! I want a stuffed Elmo doll."-- NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This suggests the jockeys riding hobby horses are actually targets in a shooting gallery. That's just stupid enough to work. But it seems the horse is the one talking.  Why would he be the one who gets the prize if the shooter plugs the rider? This makes no sense. It is, however, creative enough to nip the others at the wire. Also my granddaughter loves her talking Elmo doll--which was her first Christmas gift from me. So there's that too.)

SECOND PLACE

Knowing it was Ray Charles Day at the races and the stands were filled with blind people, management opted to fuck with everybody and, not to mention, save on feed. --That bush looks like a goat face  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very dumb but this also takes a stab at explaining why they are racing this way. If they are going to fool the blind folks they'll need galloping sounds and the smell of fresh horse shit. Blind people are not fools, you know.)

THIRD PLACE

"So it doesn't strike you as odd that a stuffed horsehead appears to be the only one speaking?-- Steve_O  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for pointing something so obvious that many missed it. "Odd" is a polite way of describing something that is totally fucked up. )

 HONORABLE MENTIONS 

The NYPD picnic kicks off with the running of the Abner Louima Memorial.--JIm Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very nasty and highly topical if the year is 1997.  Adner Louima wasn't killed, so a memorial would be premature; but the cop who violated him with a broom handle got 30 years.  Jim reminds us that some people have not forgotten this ugly incident. )

'I've Had Enuff' winning the 'Home Depot' stud claiming race!--Dr Sumguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A reference to this year's it-horse, I'll have Another.  Imaginative, but in a confusing way.)

Wonderland Raceway decides to forego actual horses and run the race clockwise.--Satireguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The horses are moving from left to right which means they will hang a right turn and run the oval clockwise. Nice catch, but what's your point?)

Move it Jockey! There's a flower wreath and massive illegal doses of Lasix, phenylbutazone and cortacosteroids waiting for you at the finish line.--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Due to his well established track record, let's just assume boneguy is using the real names of drug that makes horses run faster. As such, this is topical and makes a statement of some type.)

Man, HBO will do anything to get "Luck" back on the air.--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As it happens "Luck" was filmed at Santa Anita Park, which is less than a mile from where Mrs. alinla and I reside just outside L.A.  The inside dope: The series was a big disappointment despite the a great performance from Dustin Hoffman. Sadly it claimed the lives of three racehorses including one who reared up at the starting gate and landed on his head. Remember luck can be good, bad or dumb.)

"If you think the Preakness Stakes have a weird new look, wait 'til you see the stud farm."--LR  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Remember, it is the horse who is saying this. It would be better if the jockey was saying it to the horse as kind of threat.)

"As CEO of Yahoo, you can put this on your resumé as 'experienced professional jockey.'"--smuck  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical but in a Jay Leno kind of way. Also, imagine you are being ridden by someone holding a whip, would you really make wiseass remarks? )

The 150th running of the FAO Schwarz Derby produces a classic down to the wire finish.--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The spoiled kids who make this retailer possible would insist on motorized hobby horses. One of several caps that include a random number in an apparent effort to give it a more realistic feel. We see through that kind of stuff. Read on.)

Welcome to the 101st 'Churchill Downs' shitless derby!--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In fairness the horses almost never take a crap when they are on the track. They have too much class for that. Which is also why you never see them enter something in this contest.)

"It's the 144th running of the Belmont stakes."--Greenie Stik-M-Caps  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nothing to see here. Move on. )

The 88th running of the Wood Memorial.--Kathy H   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worst but notice this one has a arbitrary number. )

Despite Vito Corleone's best efforts, Jack Woltz breeds Khartoum anyway for a stable full of bodyless champions.--Slack-a-gogo  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Very imaginative. Fun fact: The only African American to appear in The Godfather is the stable hand who leads the horse out of the stall so Tom Hagen can have a look.  Also, The horse has a white spot on its head, but the horse's head in Woltz's bed does not. [I know my GF trivia is all I'm saying.] )

"Well, Obama did promise change."--It would seem that the toy horse  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  To Romney's way of thinking, the guy racing with a hobby horse has just as much chance to win as the steed who galloped by twenty minutes ago. He just needs the government to get out of the way so he can catch up.)

Wheeeeeee!--JohnnyB  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thank you Johnny, very nice. We are all very proud of you. This is the best cap you entered for this contest.)

"It's good that you did that to the horses, Anthony. Real good. Now wish them into the cornfield."--J. Bixby  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, Anthony little buddy, before you do that, could you make sure the five horse wins and maybe  arrange for a trifecta with the three horse and the seven horse?)

SeaTriscuit knew that it might be the broom factory after this. If he could choose, it'd be the popsicle plant. At least then he'd have a chance to be licked or used by a 3rd grader to build a church.--That Horse Has Wood!  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  SeaTriscuit is a great mock name for a cartoon like this. The rest of the cap is awful.)

"The dowels here are equine."--smuck  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well they are not really dowels but the effort is appreciated. )

"Toy filly, you crazy bastard. How are you?"--Willie  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Another A for effort.  )


Futurity, you crazy bastard! How are you betting?--Jim Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: WIth his head but not over it, we can only hope. )

"It's `Can't Caption This' in the lead, with `Not That Funny' close behind, and `Feels Like An Old Joke' on his heels..."--Damon  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  "As they head for home  it's 'Dumb Pun' along with 'Bastardized Classic' followed by 'Kathy's Pointless Link' and 'Johnny's Pointless Caption'... At the wire it's... it's: 'Crappiest Cap' by a nose!")

The Three Horsemen of the al's pack o' quips.--Jim Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Reminds me of this Far Side cartoon.  )